How did you know you were with a narcissist

[balmybalmynight]

And not some twat?
What are the absolute characteristics of someone with NPD?
I am beginning to think I've just escaped one but have been told that he'll stop at nothing to try to change my mind.
Thank you .

They are covert compartmentalists par excellence!
Their partners can go years, decades even, not knowing that when they're not with their partner, he (or she) can be a completely different character with other people.
They don't really have their own sense of self, which is why they're so attractive because they tend to adopt the manner of the person they are with. If they're with a kind and loving partner, they will seem kind and loving. Behind her back they could just as easily be slagging her off and sleeping around.

It was how I felt after he ended the relationship which showed me what he was. I literally felt like I had died, that my worth & life was linked or based on him & when he so easily left it nearly killed me. I've had a few relationships in my time but have never experienced anything remotely like this. I know that sounds dramatic but I'm an intelligent woman who was totally manipulated by him. I then found Dr Ramani & everything made sense. Over the following weeks I had so many realisations as to what was going on, it took 3 months for my brain to fully process it all. It's heartbreaking to realise he's off there doing the same thing to his next victim while I'm having intense counselling, EMDR etc to fully recover

Only after we split during first lockdown and yet again he defected the reason back on me despite the fact HE lied and I caught him out.

As it was lockdown and I had time on my own I really started to see things clearly and did a lot of reading up on narcissism and gaslighting and it was like a lightbulb moment. Literally a tick-list of the 2 years I was seeing him. And it was honestly like a weight lifted off my shoulders.

I cried my tears, stopped blaming myself and moved my life forward and I’ve never looked back.

About a year ago, I saw him at a music festival across the field and I felt absolutely nothing - it was the best feeling ever knowing he was nothing to me anymore.

I was married to one for 16 years. The sad thing is, I now know that he is the way he is due to deep insecurity and dislike of himself.

I had:

• emotional abuse, gaslighting and stonewalling
• I could sit in the same room sobbing my heart out and he would sit there and look at me like I was something he had stepped in
• I walked on eggshells constantly to avoid the silent treatment

It made me lose all sense of me. I could never relax, I drank too much to mask my emotions. He was jealous of me, if I did well in work, having good friends. When we were socializing I was one edge constantly, waiting for any hint of displeasure from him.

So many special moments are tainted by his sulking. Holidays, Christmas, NY, special events like kids school concerts. Most of the time I had no idea what had annoyed him but the rage and contempt would radiate off him, I could feel it.

It is soul destroying to live like that. It also made me make terrible choices in an attempt to keep him happy. I won't go into those, but your mention of sexual abuse is in the right direction.

Echoing some of the others here

Publicly extremely charming
Publicly a 'do gooder' (I'd almost list that as a general red flag)
Extreme paranoia
Controlling, meticulous
A total lack of accountability unless it serves them to appear contrite
The victim. Forever and always.
Bully people weaker than themselves
Conman/grifter
Can't bear even constructive criticism
Manipulative

They actually really dont understand people very well. Which is why they don't tend to have long lasting deep friendships or relationships

This, give or take a few

• obviously fake smile
• very vain and paranoid about appearance, won’t just casually be in photos
• sudden rage
• jealous of people suffering hardship, for the (as he saw it) sympathy and attention they could reap

All of the traits of the narcissist have been posted above, but I read somewhere that you shouldn't feel bad about being taken in by one or staying with one for so long.

It takes ages to actually see it and then takes ages to get out of it!!

Good luck, it took me 22 years to escape!

A lot of people are trying to cope with narcissistic mothers me included .
Outwardly charming
Can't take any perceived criticism
Can't laugh about themselves
Everything is in relation to self . You've got a headache she has a migraine
You've been abused so has she
Complete lack of empathy for others
Turns every situation to her own aims . Blames everyone but herself for anything that has gone wrong .
Run for the hills if you meet a man on the NPD spectrum

I could have written this list, exactly what my exH was like. I didn't know he was a narcissist until our eldest daughter said it one day and I looked into it and realised that was what I'd been living with all those years. I was the original boiled frog, he would tell me black was white and I'd end up believing him he had me so conditioned.

He compartmentalises.

He doesn't have any friends- he doesn't put in the effort is one reason, but the other is that he cannot be emotionally open so cannot develop a deeper relationship necessary for long term friendship.

He has fits of rage.

He stonewalls. You ask him a q and he either ignores or says 'I don't know'

He is controlling. I was hot in the car and turned on the a/c. He muttered 'grow up' in a nasty way under his breath!

Constantly sighing and eye rolling.

Constant criticism.

Never remembers or does anything for birthdays of family or friends.

Feels hard done by.

Makes excuses. Eg I would but I'm too busy. You expect me to do everything. When am I suppose to have the time.

Very defensive.

Critical of others. Have never heard him say anything nice about others but very quick to judge and attack.

Lies.

Is late.

Never ever says sorry. Not even to his children. Cannot accept responsibility.

I think he is a covert narcissist. For many years o thought I could fix him and help him. Hell, I was wrong. Just as dangerous. And what's worrying is, he sees a counselor to discuss how horrible everyone else is to him.

Oh and watching Richard Grannon videos on YouTube. Nodding along and realising I was being gaslighted and I don't need to feel guilty! And guilty for stupid things like buying the peach yoghurt and not the cheapest fat free plain yoghurt. For using hot water to wash up. For having the a/c on in the car. I could go on but it's sad.

He laughed hysterically, when a 5 year old fallen off the bench and cried. That’s when I saw what he really was. 8 years down the line I still hate that asshole .

It’s the lack of empathy that’s the worst trait. No feelings what so ever.

I was going through a really stressful time and had an anxiety attack in front of my ex.

He just rolled his eyes, called me a drama Queen and said i was putting it on to spoil his evening. He then said ‘well if you’re not up to going out I am’ and walked out and left me sobbing and hyperventilating.

Then when he got home several hours later, he acted like nothing happened, dusty even ask how I was and tried to have sex with me.

That was pretty standard for him. When I tried to speak to him about it afterwards, he denied it had happened.

I forgot a couple

Always right and more intelligent than others. constantly saying "well i thought" and expecting that to be right.

Force their opinion on you to wear you down.

controlling - always wanted to plan weekend activities a week in advance. Get annoyed if they was no plan.

Needy- Once I went away to Greece for 3 days with friends, came back from the airport went to sleep and he demanded that we do an activity together, even though I'd come from a long trip.
constantly asking why you love them and wanting reasons.

would get angry if you were on a road trip together and you fell asleep in the passenger seat whilst he was driving.

No boundaries or discretion - I hated talking on the phone and he knew this but he would constantly ring me on his way home from work. to talk before he got home. I would answer every single time and if I missed it I would call right back. Yet he would constantly accuse me of never answering the phone when he rang me.
to punish me he ignored me for a week and didn't call or text me at all.

would tell all my mutual friends my professional failures or issues to make himself look good. and when i ask him not to he accused me of telling him what he could talk about.

No accountability/ self reflection .would bunk off work for days at a time and then fly into rages and call other colleagues lazy for doing the same thing.

tell you things to hurt your feelings, like how his parents hated me. or say that his kids wish he was still with their mum really. even though she hated him.

constantly falling out with employers and getting sacked but it never being their fault.

the list goes on. such a shame I didn't know what that was at the time. would have saved myself 10 years.

Mine was thankfully short lived. However- being able to cheat and leave without any remorse or empathy. People are the same as things or toys to my ex. Anything that they've done becomes all about your reaction, not their behaviour. You're the problem because you're 'jealous' or 'dramatic'. (My ex even said that their cheating wasn't the problem, it was my reaction!). No accountability, always blame, always the victim of the piece. DARVO. They can be charismatic, leaders, performers, usually careful with their appearance but all come with a side of 'I'm different and special and the rules don't apply to me.'
I believe my ex was a true covert narc however the term is overused in breakups. It's worth having a research on the typical behaviours.

What the hell

No, surely not? Is a narcissist the same/another word for an abusive person or is a narcissist one type of abuser, ie more extreme, which is what I have always thought?

@SamW98 i understand this situation. I was suicidal. and the worst my mental health has ever been. He told me to pull myself together and then went off for 3 days leaving me with a baby. That was the moment I really realised there was no hope. Richard Grannon talks about needing to know there is no hope and you can't change them. That moment was simultaneously the best and worst. Best because I was able to really embody grey rock since then with no doubts

Yes. That scary lightbulb moment of realising it's never going to get better with this person and that in fact, it is likely to get far worse.

My stbxh was very big on charity. And even bigger on broadcasting what he did to all and sundry. He didn't actually do that much to be honest but made out he was saving the world. It was so important to him to be seen as this great guy.

He couldn't bear it if someone else was better at him than say helping our dcs with coaching in certain subjects.

Always need extra marital validation. I couldn't go near him after verbal and physical abuse. We were always tiptoeing around him.

He thought the rules didn't apply to him. That if he refused to pay school fees, car lease bills etc then nobody could make him.

A chaotic, entitled and very angry-raging type person who is hopeless with money and has financially ruined us.

His behaviour has been revealed to the world now and he frantically tries to paint me as abusive.

@BlastedPimples that is exactly like my ex. Has an outwardly high profile charitable ‘save the world’ persona but very abusive indoors. Also thought he could do what he liked and the rules didn’t apply. That point is proving especially frustrating in divorce.

My ex was narcissistic but it wasn’t hard to cut contact with him. I just changed my phone number

@Watchkeys this is great advice.

Gosh I had a lot of these. When he finally did start going to parents' evenings when it was really important (GCSEs and A levels) took it really personally if there was any negative feedback (because it reflected badly on him. It definitely wasn't about the children's futures because he never showed any interest about that - what their choices were, helping with homework even when asked (despite having a lot more ability and knowledge in those subjects than me!)). One time he just left the parents' evening and went home without telling us where he was going! My child ended up getting As and A*s so it wasn't like he was failing.

We had the ruining big events one as well. He'd always make me cry at Christmas for instance. One time when I had flu at Christmas he went off to his family (that bit was fair enough) but left me with no food and with all his washing up. Another time he stormed off as I was about to dish up Christmas dinner for ten people (I'd organised everything and had two children under five) because I asked him to help me to plate up the veg.

He not only failed to come to days out he even used to miss parts of holidays so I'd have to do all the packing and driving on my own with the kids and he'd just turn up on the train a day later.

The verbal abuse too. He once told me he'd murder me if he could get away with it.

Silent treatment. Yes.

Stonewalling. Check

Storming off. Regularly

Constant criticism.

Talking over me when I was speaking or looking at phone.

Selfish in bed.

It's amazing how similar these people are. My parents were also narcs so I wasn't well placed to spot it or handle it well. I've had shed loads of therapy though so I don't allow him to get at me any more. Nearly at the place when I can leave him!

This is where I am. Been divorced several times now. He discarded me and the kids, and by discard I never knew or experienced anything like itZ it was like a switch flipped. He left after 18 years and two kids with a duffel bag. Said if the kids can’t be happy for him in his new life they are not welcome, etc etc. it took a while, but then I realized all the ways I had been so harmed in our relationship and had not realized it. I though I had gone off sex. In reality, there was no wooing, no foreplay. He would play video games, wake me up, want to have sex in a way that hurt, etc. did not care at all about my enjoyment. Used to mock my job. Writing it makes me feel idiotic, but when things are done skowly and you have kids it is harder to see sometimes. I was wrecked for a while, but very happy now.