How did you know you were with a narcissist

[balmybalmynight]

And not some twat?
What are the absolute characteristics of someone with NPD?
I am beginning to think I've just escaped one but have been told that he'll stop at nothing to try to change my mind.
Thank you .

My experience:

No empathy
Taking the piss out of situations/people (very inappropriately).
Highly critical of others
Cocky
Thinking he was better than anyone else
Negging
Entitlement
Sexual/physical/financial abuse
Never apologised
Into conspiracy
Thinking he was above the law
Exploiting people

They'll be more...

I can definitely see a pattern in your list. Thanks for sharing. What about silent treatment and selfish sexually . Was he vindictive if you crossed him ?

He was selfish sexually. He felt entitled to my body, doing things to me in my sleep, even after repeatedly telling him not to. Not sure about vindictive, if I brought things up about other stuff, I wa soverreacting etc.

I've just finished 10 weeks of counselling due to his behaviour. Relationship finished 10 years ago, I buried my head in the sand thinking I could deal with it.

What makes you think so?

I didn't discover I was with one until he left me and his children, had some counselling and discovered he was a classic narcissist and it took a lot of counselling to fix me afterwards. Him leaving was the best thing he has ever done for me.

Emotional Abuse
Gaslighting
Trying to alienate you from friends/family
Putting you down to make you feel insecure
Silent Treatment
Never apologizing
Never putting themselves out for you but expecting you drop everything when the click their fingers...
Always has to be right and will through a strop if you disagree
Ruins birthdays / xmases / special occasions
Paranoid
Grumpy
Selfish
Entitled
Thinks they are cleverer than everyone else
Jealous if you do well - needs to put you back in your place
Must do you are told - no questions
And more..............

This pretty much.

counselling showed me my father was a narc he still is

constant criticism
any issues are my fault not his
he is perfect
any imperfection is an acknowledged
mine are pointed out constantly
he doesn’t need friends
he doesn’t need me
or family
he is gods gift to society
he would make the best PM, company director etc
invalidated feelings
loses the plot when his behaviour is called out
if people stand up to him he can’t stand it and refuses to speak to them again etc
horrid to animals
dominates all stories

I looked it up after ex was arrested a few months ago. He ticked all the boxes.
After some therapy I've accepted that, there's no point trying to figure out how he works, I'd never find the truth, I can't fix people and my energy is better spent figuring out how I work and fixing myself.
Google it if you must, only read reliable sources, most DV websites are good but don't dwell on it. They're manipulative. They know how to reign us in, what traits of ours to play on. I was pleased to learn about it as that made me realise there was no going back.

Thanks.
Maybe you could read mine and tell me if it sounds familiar.
I suppose the term is bandied around so much , it's hard to decide when really it's the behaviours that are what are important.
Self absorbed
Selfish
Lazy in bed
Dogmatic
V opinionated
Hated some people for no good reason
Always right
Punished me
Stonewalled
Ignored
Silent treatment
His way or no way
Hated confrontation
Strict and rigid views/ old fashioned
Zero interest in his kids
Bailed when I needed him most
Dominated in company
A little controlling
Bossy
Hated authority
Cruel words
Lacks empathy
Cold and nasty when wronged
Inflexible
Vain

I was on the way to meet a BF for drinks when I found out via text that an old friend had died by s×××ide. BF was angry that I didn't feel like going clubbing because I'd promised him a good night and "everything always has to be about me😮".

Christ

@balmybalmynight - Not interested in the kids - I forgot to add that to my list..... bigoted....misogynist.....never went to parents evenings or sports days..... my house my rules if you dont like you can fuck off...... never took the kids out on their bikes,,,never took them to the park..... would drink to the point that would stay in bed all day the next day......never cooked a meal...never made breakfast in bed .......never changed the bed.....never ironed......never took time off when the kids were sick.....would bail on days out with the kids so I would have to take them on my own......lazy in bed ....would be so verbally vicious I would be sobbing with tears streaming down my face and he would be completely unaffected...no empathy..... he was mad/ angry so I must be punished.....

Sounds like it OP, you dodged a bullet, but it still affects you. If you need therapy, make sure you get it. I should have got mine years ago. Never knew what a narcissist was until a few years ago.

Another one for the list
Never wanting to go anywhere with me, avoiding my family and friends.

extremely charming
extremely polite
extremely smart
wants to rule the world
knows everything
better than anybody else
needs to impress
needs the best clothes
needs to collect 500+ linkedIN contacts
needs validation
boasting about how he has access to people, organisations that other people can't
when in a social group, just dominates the entire conversation as though lecturing and to a captive audience
gaslights
never apologises
gives silent treatment
never accountable for the things that go wrong
Children - children are a "tool" to get together with other people who have kids in order to get into the group to do business.
avoids confrontation...won't talk..silent treatment.
lacks empathy...has no idea how to . (for example, my 8 year old told the dad "Did you know the Queen died ?" HIs comment "People die, remember that "
Daughter was silent pondering....

Plays the perfect husband in front of everyone else..so when shit hits the fan no one believes you

She assaulted me in a way that was something that could have easily killed me (in fact it was something of a miracle it didn't or at least didn't leave me with brain damage) and some time following, told me she was upset that she didn't get the 'psychological thrill' one would expect having done something like that to someone.

You don't ever 'know' because there's no 'fact', unless they have a diagnosis. You already think you were, and that's as much as you'll ever 'know'.

Knowing I was free of a narcissist/abusive relationship was when I stopped making what they had done a part of my life, so, after we broke up, and I stopped asking questions like the title of your post. Don't work on finding out if he was a narcissist; work on not caring what he was. Your life is about you, now, not him, or definitions of him.

Oh yes the charming bit.

You say narcissist and not some twat. Essentially they are the same thing.

It's the no empathy that strikes me. The seeing other people as mere vessels for his pleasure. In the case of women it was whether they were fuckable or not

He was never to blame for anything. Everyone had let him down. His wife let him down. That's why he cheated on her and abandoned his kids. His son let him down because (after only seeing him every other weekend all his life) he didn't want to spend lockdown with him miles away from his family and friends. His daughter let him down because apparently she had her own mind and refused to be told what to do. He also headbutted his best friend because he let him down.

His dad rang him to ask for advice and support when his mum was going through extensive cancer treatment (his job was cancer research) and he'd moan about him. I'm like that's your fucking dad! He's worried about his wife. At the very least have some compassion. He's scared.

But your friend is right. They probably will try to Hoover you back into their lives. Because they need you. They need constant validation. And get grumpy as fuck when they don't get it. Deep down they know there's something wrong with them. There's an emptiness. And they can only get rid of it by bringing other people down and negging and boosting their own fragile ego.

Your best hope is that they've found some other victim. Otherwise no contact. It's the only way to go.

People think he’s amazing at first but begin to see through him after a year or so.
Always willing to “help” others if it will make him look good but never lifts a finger at home.
Gets angry if he doesn’t get the gushing thanks he thinks he deserves.
Can’t cope with anyone who disagrees with him.
Will drop friends like a stone and never speak to them again.
Couldn’t give a crap about his family.
Automatically asks me to do things for him that he could easily do himself but when I pull him up on it he says I “try to turn everything into an argument”.
Suddenly becomes chief cook and brew maker when we have people round but never does anything when it just us.
3 days of silent treatment whenever I don’t agree with him.
Gets angry if I cry and shouts at me thinking it’ll somehow make me stop but it makes things worse. Won’t just leave me alone and if he does, he’ll come back a few mins later to keep shouting.
Never offers affection but constantly gropes at me.
Very, very vain, everything must be perfect.
Once he’s in the mood for nit picking, he’ll pick on literally everything and just keep going and going.
leaves his crap everywhere but complains of DS or I do.
Will notice and have to point out the tiniest mark or whatever on my clothes.
Pulls this angry face that looks like I’m trying his last speck of patience and he’s about to blow over something tiny.
Assumes there’s always enough money for whatever he wants to spend it on but if I want something we can’t afford it.

I’m sure there’s plenty more.

And blaming me for things he had done wrong.

Victim mentality when things didn't go his way.

Collected women, always stringing them along and never letting them go so he had a harem available to sleep with when he wanted.

Arrogant- but nothing to show for how amazing he was (see first point).

Luckily the one I knew didn't have children, I think because he realised he didn't want to have to consider them as he was so selfish, plus it might have curtailed his womanising.

Silent treatment when he was called out on his behaviour.

I think when you are involved with one, deep inside you know that something is not right, the ups and downs in the relationship are not normal, usually we started searching on how to be a “better partner” because we want to be back again when we were being love bombed because it felt so good, then we read about narcissistic personality and our eyes started opening to the reality that you may be involved with one

True nbd is much deeper than pretty much everyone here talks about. It's about never being able to be right even you are. It's about, it's their way, or the highway. It's about anger at anything that they? disapprove of.

I met his nan briefly, the first thing she said to me was how much his mam was a party girl and left him with her at 1 months old. Surely that's an odd thing to say. She seemed anxious and worried the whole time we were talking. When we split up I was glad to leave that whole shit show behind.

His mam seemed odd, the tales he told me were odd, he was odd haha. Uff bye bye. He was very spoiled and narcissistic, still relying on parents lte 30s.

Constant criticism and flipping their behaviour onto you. In other words I'm like this because of you!

And all the traits listed in PP