He wants to move in and blend our families.

[torndawn]

The thought fills me with dread.

Me and my DP have been together 18 months. I adore him and love having him around.

His children all live with him, however they are teenagers (16/17/19) so he'll often spends 2/3 night here and when my 2DC 2 nights of the week are with there dad I stay with him.

My home is able to house us all, and he's been saying for months and months we should all live together. This has recently ramped up with him understandably worrying about the cost of living.

The thought fills me with dread. My children (8 and 10) are obvs much younger than his and we live very harmoniously. I'm so worried about rocking the boat. His house on the other hand always feels so chaotic, nothing bad just normal teenager stuff, rooms a total disgrace, eating all the food, always shouts of "where's my charger, who's took my straighteners, dad will you tell DS/DB he's done thiiiisss or that, I need money, I need a lift" bathroom always full of clothes on the floor, teenagers in pyjamas all day"

They are all lovely children and he runs a tight ship despite all the above. They are mostly respectful and polite. It is of note though that the 17yr old boy is autistic and that comes with obvs difficulties (mainly personal hygiene, excessive eating, mess, in the house 24/7 as no friends to socialise with, constant requests to play/draw/watch TV with him) he's a kind gentle soul though.

The thought of x4 more washing, constant noise, food not being there as expected, all that mess, no alone time. (I work from home so when my DC are at school I thrive off the silence).

We had a deep chat last night about it all which ended with me in tears as I find the prospect overwhelming. We've just walked my dog and he said "Dawn that's the second time you've got upset at the prospect of us living together, and your only reason is you don't want to live with my children, if this is the case then it really is a non starter and I can't see a future".

The thought of loosing him breaks my heart.

It's shit, I know we can set ground rules etc but the risk and loss if it doesn't work out is huge.

I don't know what I'm asking really, feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Noooooooooo!

Meant to make this point as well.

He's a shit dad leaving his children to stay with you, but hardly surprising really.

He's been playing the long game with you.

Months and months going on about moving in.🙄

So his lax parenting where they fend for themselves will end and you will have them and their habits and routine foisted on your and your children.

Oh you must adore cooking for crowds as you certainly will be doing it and no doubt paying for it with 7 in the house.

Expect your utilities to treble.

Teens are VERY hard on utilities.

This a billion percent! And as another poster said, financials are a big part of his wanting to move into yours, and that's NO reason to make such a huge leap. As a parent he should 100% get it why you're not ready, as well. I feel like he's steamrolling you.

Both adults have a choice. I am merely saying that he is allowed to end a relationship that he doesn’t feel is moving forward for him, just as we all can. I am not sure why you are pouncing in me for that, I have said I don’t think OP should combine households here and she should be firm about that.

It's also worth thinking about what kind of teenagers you want your children to grow up into. Because his ch would be their role models

He’s a pretty shit father to leave his 16 year old for most nights to stay at yours

Late to the party but

We've just walked my dog and he said "Dawn that's the second time you've got upset at the prospect of us living together, and your only reason is you don't want to live with my children, if this is the case then it really is a non starter and I can't see a future".

He is trying to hold you to ransom and he really, really wants a bigger house and a childminder. If he loved you, he would be happy to wait until the 16, 17 and 19 year olds are older. The autistic child, well thats another issue as well but a massive thing to expect someone to take on. He's even been counting your reactions to use them against you.

Sorry, I don't think he loves you, he just wants a new, bigger home. I suspect that any woman with a nice house would do.

I often wonder what would happen if women weren't quite so conditioned to think that having a relationship was more important than their quality of life.

In blending it’s really normal to have elements of living apart and together where you maintain two households. And with all of the people affected in this situation there’s no need to rush. Don’t be pressured

He’s using threats to coerce you into doing something you don’t want to do.

That’s a signal to get rid completely.

This. So true.

Op, me and dh lived separately for 3 years after we were married because I didn't want to disrupt the kids lives. He kept on and on about moving in together and I caved in the end.

God I wish I hadn't ! The amount of mess , washing , politics ... it's ruined out relationship tbh.

I would also tell him that if he can't respect your wishes then you do not see a future with him.

He wants you to prioritise his kids over the comfort and finances of you and your own kids... despite the fact he prioritises his own love life over them for 3-5 days every week. He's a prick OP.

If he moves in and the cheats on you and leaves you (as men often do) you'll lose your house and will have to maintain his kids too. It has happened before. Don't do it. I know it is nice to have someone who cares about you and shows you love but you know it won't end up well and your kids will suffer

The biggest reason is the one he can't ignore or argue against.

"My DC are my priority and I'm not risking their calm home life"

None of us can say whether he really loves the OP or not. Maybe he does! But it doesn't matter. Love is not enough, I think we all know this. A good relationship is about so much more than that.

Tbh the biggest reason that he shouldn't be arguing against is that the OP doesn't want to.

For a decent partner that would be enough.

Sorry OP but this is twaddle.

being very much in love is no excuse or reason to rush into something that absolutely does not benefit your children or actually you (other than having the other person around a bit more)
Do you think the people who can’t live together or spend months apart don’t love each other as much as you two? Of course they do.

You can absolutely adore and love someone and still prefer to keep your homes and finances / families separate.

He doesn’t feel at home without you? No I bet he doesn’t, it’s much nicer to be at your house without his pain in the bum teens, mess and noise.

Don’t let romantic notions cloud the reality - it’s fine being swept away with the WE LURRRRRVE EACHOTHER SOOOO MUCH stage when you are childfree - the minute you introduce kids into your life, there is no room for that.

I was being made to feel like I was being selfish

and yet you are “so afraid of losing him”

OP - single parent here. My response to being asked to mangle blend with my family would have me running for the woods.

as I write this, my daughter doing her usual of wandering around our flat in her underwear, and my son feelings bit poorly and sprawled on sofa.

three teens and a man moving in would piss all over that. Don’t do it. For your childrens sakes

How long have your children even known him?

and by the sounds of it he spends most nights living with them in their family home already.

This is the first time I've said this ever, but no is a complete sentence.

And hopefully last time you say that unbearable phrase!

If he doesn’t accept that your children take priority over him then this relationship is unworkable.

Don't discuss it. Just say no. It's a disaster waiting to happen.

I would be interested to know if his kids actually want to do it.

Living separately is the answer

Nope!