He wants to move in and blend our families.

[torndawn]

The thought fills me with dread.

Me and my DP have been together 18 months. I adore him and love having him around.

His children all live with him, however they are teenagers (16/17/19) so he'll often spends 2/3 night here and when my 2DC 2 nights of the week are with there dad I stay with him.

My home is able to house us all, and he's been saying for months and months we should all live together. This has recently ramped up with him understandably worrying about the cost of living.

The thought fills me with dread. My children (8 and 10) are obvs much younger than his and we live very harmoniously. I'm so worried about rocking the boat. His house on the other hand always feels so chaotic, nothing bad just normal teenager stuff, rooms a total disgrace, eating all the food, always shouts of "where's my charger, who's took my straighteners, dad will you tell DS/DB he's done thiiiisss or that, I need money, I need a lift" bathroom always full of clothes on the floor, teenagers in pyjamas all day"

They are all lovely children and he runs a tight ship despite all the above. They are mostly respectful and polite. It is of note though that the 17yr old boy is autistic and that comes with obvs difficulties (mainly personal hygiene, excessive eating, mess, in the house 24/7 as no friends to socialise with, constant requests to play/draw/watch TV with him) he's a kind gentle soul though.

The thought of x4 more washing, constant noise, food not being there as expected, all that mess, no alone time. (I work from home so when my DC are at school I thrive off the silence).

We had a deep chat last night about it all which ended with me in tears as I find the prospect overwhelming. We've just walked my dog and he said "Dawn that's the second time you've got upset at the prospect of us living together, and your only reason is you don't want to live with my children, if this is the case then it really is a non starter and I can't see a future".

The thought of loosing him breaks my heart.

It's shit, I know we can set ground rules etc but the risk and loss if it doesn't work out is huge.

I don't know what I'm asking really, feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Someone who threatens to split up a loving relationship because the other person won't do what they want, when they want, is putting their own needs above the relationship's needs.

Sometimes that's fine, ie a 35 year old who wants a baby but is with a man that doesn't. Sometimes it's just really not, and I'd say this is one of those times.

I also very much think that anyone who thinks a 16 yo is 'self sufficient' isn't that great a dad, if I'm being totally honest. I'm not saying it's not OK to leave them overnight once in a blue moon, but doing it as regularly as he does during the difficult teen years just doesn't sit right with me. Teens need you and the way they express that need doesn't always fit into normal hours and activities.

@diddl Yes for twice as many people but making say spag bol for 7 takes only fractionally more work than for 3. It's just a bit more chopping. Even if the teens aren't expected to do anything then blending households should reduce the OPs workload (except it clearly won't in this situation as this fear suggests he is a guy who will just leave all the work to her). Laundry might be the exception but teens are more than capable of doing their own so worst case she should be no worse off, if everyone went into it assuming they would be expected to pull their weight.

Damn right he wants to move in. Red flags are 20m by 20m. Then he has a cook for 4 more and cleaner etc

I would calmly suggest a house of 7 people is too big especially when the children are used to a quieter household, is he renting or brought? Same with you? Perhaps you could rent two home a side by side or it’s only 3years and his at uni or what ever. He’s asking you to make a huge change of changing a 3 to an 7

This.
You are being played like a fiddle.

Absolute madness.

I bet he's mad about you.
No man as in love as one looking for a knew home.🙄

Why wouldn't he be, moving 4 adults in YOUR home and having you wash up and skivvy after them all.

I seriously feel so sorry for your children that you would even consider this.

How can you think you care about your children and actually consider moving 4 near adults with all their mess, noise, confusion, their friends, their future girlfriends/boyfriends ALL hanging out a YOUR home, and you having absolutely NO say whatsoever as it is now THEIR home.

Absolutely unbelievable.

You need to give your head a real wobble and put your childrens best interests ahead of your love life.🙄

He has basically threatened to end the relationship if he cannot move in with his 3 adult child.

You will be ending your childrens childhood bring this utter user and shit show into their home.

They have a father thank God.
If you do this they might well want to move into his home, where at least they will not be surrounded by near adult strangers using their mother and their home.

You are crying because he is harassing you and trying to bully and threaten you.
Your gut is SCREAMING at you not to do this to your poor children.

He doesn't give a shit about your poor children.
He only cares about what will work best for him and his children.

There is absolutely no way a good mother would do this to their children.

Absolutely no way.

You are being taken for a fool and a mug and your children will pay the price if you are selfish enough to do this.

I don't know what to say other than what's already been said- get the love blinkers off and protect your own assets and your own children's peace of mind, let alone your own!

I also think letting a 16 and 17 and 19 year old loose two or three times a week over night is asking for trouble, my teens are similar ages and I absolutely don't leave them alone, for the evening yes, not overnight as too much stuff would go on I couldn't see what they were up to and they often need chats/emotional/practical support at college.

This is deeply worrying he's pushing you over it. You have a lot to lose. Him, not so much. Does he have your best interests at heart?

I also agree the 17yo will be there forever - or, if not forever, certainly for a longer time than 'normal'. My own DS has ASD and he certainly won't be flying the nest anytime soon - which is obviously fine, he's ours! If it takes him another 20 years then that's what it takes. Slightly different scenario in your case though.

It’s actually shocking that he’s trying to make you feel bad about not moving in together. There is no way in hell I would subject my two happy, peaceful children (as yours are) to this chaotic set up. Absolute madness

Sounds more like he's got his eye on your house "that can house us all" and some free childcare for his wild, hygienically challenged kids.

It's a shame but its him doing the choosing here. He wants your house and your free labour. If he wanted you, he would not be pushing for this.

Definitely not!

He is trying to guilt you into letting them all move in with you.

He’s manipulative and only after his own gains.

Not nice!

Why is he not responding to your feelings about this?
Why is he not able to see things from your point of view too?
He can see his plan distresses you... but pushes on with it because HE wants it.

This isn't a good sign for how things will be in the future.

He’s so very much in love with you he’s blackmailing you - take in my kids and skivvy for the 4 of us or I’ll dump you.

Fucking charming.

This is bonkers. Why on earth put your younger children through the upheaval of blending with adult and almost adult teenagers who should be leaving home soon anyway? I'd run a mile from this, and from your partner for pressuring you.

This is about him and his responsibility to parent his own kids. Do not bring whatever is amiss into your home.

I don’t think it’s purely financially motivated, I think he wants a housekeeper and teen whisperer as well. There are major advantages for him but I don’t see what’s in it either for you or for either sets of kids.

His teenagers won’t want to live with 2 under 10s and yours will find it overwhelming suddenly having teenagers around.

The only person he is considering here is himself. The fact he is piling on the emotional blackmail to achieve his goal indicate he’s not that great a guy however infatuated you are currently.

I wonder how respectful and polite to you his children will be if they move in and you have to suffer them eating all the food you'd bought (for seven it'll be a lot) and their rooms a disgrace in your house.

He's not an adorable man.

I like the idea of weekends to test waters.

No no no no, that's a terrible idea. Once he gets his feet under the table it'll be 10x harder to get him to leave.

Him: Wow this trial has gone brilliantly!
You: Actually I found it quite hard work.
Him: Are you saying there's something wrong with my children? Why don't you like them? X was just saying how much happier he feels here than at our house.
Etc etc

I wouldn’t want three teenagers moving in with me either and totally agree with your reasons for not wanting this either, hold firm on that.

But on the other hand, I can see his perspective. He wants to move the relationship forward (and I am presuming not purely for financial reasons), so I also can see why he would think the relationship needs to end if it will not progress in the way he wants. You are both entitled to have an opinion on next steps for the relationship and unfortunately in this case they are not compatible.

Absolutely do not let them move in!

I also wouldn't even do the weekend thing if it's on weekends when your children are at home. 18 months is far too soon to be considering blending families with children the age yours are.

and I am presuming not purely for financial reasons

Why are you presuming that?

I think it is absolutely awful that he is leaving his 16 year old two or three nights a week because he is 'infatuated' with you! Just because a 16 year old can get themselves to school/college and cook themselves some pasta doesn't mean they don't need parenting. I think that is really shocking TBH.

This. What a shit dad. And I couldn't be attracted to a shit dad.

Yes of course he’s allowed to want to move the relationship forward...he can want what the hell he likes...but only a man who didn’t actually love or respect his gf very much and didn’t actually care much about her children, nor indeed about his own children including one autistic teenager, would be wanting to move this relationship forward in these circumstances.

The fact that he’s pushing for it and employing blackmail to get what he wants is a very bad sign.

As pp have already said, he’s perfectly entitled to end the relationship. Which would be good riddance tbh.

Oh and you can forget you quiet WFH as they are near college age so you could have them in and out lying in bed half the day when they don't have lectures, making snacks in the kitchen at ALL hours.

Teens are hard work even when you love them.

Then space?
Is your house huge?
I mean really huge?
I have 4, teens/early 20's.

They all have their own rooms hugely conducive to peace.
We are blessed with 3 large living rooms with sofas, plus a garden room.
We need every bit of the space we have.

Ps4's, different friends age groups calling to the house and them wanting their privacy and space.

They spread out.

The kitchen isn't small but at times its cramped if we have 6 people wanting drinks and snacks......it can be difficult not to roar get out!

I wouldn't tolerate the mess you describe, but they will be bringing all this noise and disruption to your childrens lives.

He's been going on for months and months has he?

Huge red flag.

You barely know this man who is so sweet and in love with you, that he is bullying and threatening to end things if you don't put what HE wants ahead of what is clearly best for your children.

Wake up OP and see you are being played.

He saw you coming🙄

Ive Got 3 teens and one of the reasons I’ve stepped back from relationships is because I wouldn’t inflict them on another family so it’s another barrier to progressing a relationship .
Keep your family calm . They will be gone before you know it , enjoy being the 3 of you .
Ans another one to say , 3 teens should NOT be left alone 2 nights a week .
My 3 are 19,18 and 15 . I wouldn’t ask the oldest to be regularly responsible for the younger . And they all need a parent on hand .

This.

Go on weekends away as a group if you like, that will (possibly) be fun and forge good relations.
No to weekending at your place. No.
Next thing you know, he’s tightening the squeezers and then you clearly hate his kids/don’t want him/are a cold, unfeeling bastard who is rejecting his love.

Establish your no-blended-family boundary and stick to it.

Just being kind and assuming that he and OP care about each other.