He wants to move in and blend our families.

[torndawn]

The thought fills me with dread.

Me and my DP have been together 18 months. I adore him and love having him around.

His children all live with him, however they are teenagers (16/17/19) so he'll often spends 2/3 night here and when my 2DC 2 nights of the week are with there dad I stay with him.

My home is able to house us all, and he's been saying for months and months we should all live together. This has recently ramped up with him understandably worrying about the cost of living.

The thought fills me with dread. My children (8 and 10) are obvs much younger than his and we live very harmoniously. I'm so worried about rocking the boat. His house on the other hand always feels so chaotic, nothing bad just normal teenager stuff, rooms a total disgrace, eating all the food, always shouts of "where's my charger, who's took my straighteners, dad will you tell DS/DB he's done thiiiisss or that, I need money, I need a lift" bathroom always full of clothes on the floor, teenagers in pyjamas all day"

They are all lovely children and he runs a tight ship despite all the above. They are mostly respectful and polite. It is of note though that the 17yr old boy is autistic and that comes with obvs difficulties (mainly personal hygiene, excessive eating, mess, in the house 24/7 as no friends to socialise with, constant requests to play/draw/watch TV with him) he's a kind gentle soul though.

The thought of x4 more washing, constant noise, food not being there as expected, all that mess, no alone time. (I work from home so when my DC are at school I thrive off the silence).

We had a deep chat last night about it all which ended with me in tears as I find the prospect overwhelming. We've just walked my dog and he said "Dawn that's the second time you've got upset at the prospect of us living together, and your only reason is you don't want to live with my children, if this is the case then it really is a non starter and I can't see a future".

The thought of loosing him breaks my heart.

It's shit, I know we can set ground rules etc but the risk and loss if it doesn't work out is huge.

I don't know what I'm asking really, feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

(His DS17 goes to stay with his mum for 5 nights every other week and he basically lives here in that time as the other two are self sufficient)

Hang on .. WTF? So when the teenager with special needs isn't there, he just leaves the other two and decamps to your house? Does he pay his way whilst he's there eating your food and using your electricity? Does he do chores? Why doesn't he want to spend time with his own children? How can he be running a tight ship when he abandons them 5 nights out of 14?

After only 18 months, as everyone else has said, the red flags here are screeeeaammmmmiinnnnggg out. He already appears to be doing minimal parenting of his own children, why would you want to take that on? Let alone when you WFH.

Absolutely not. I was part of a blended family with a similar age range and number of children - I would have been your 10 year old. It worked out fine for us, my step-sibs visited every other weekend. My mum found it very stressful (as their mum would do things like send them with suitcases full of dirty clothes so that my mum had to wash them).

Hard no. And if it's a dealbreaker, so be it. Way too pushy.

OP you are not between a rock and a hard place. It sounds to me that you are being bullied and pushed towards a solution which helps his worries about the cost of living into a situation which you are not happy with. Eighteen months is nothing and you must cut ties before you get in too deep.

Do not let him move in for a weekend - you may have difficulty in getting him to leave, then you really will be stuck. I don't want to read about you in six months time, that 'my boyfriend won't leave, he's got three teenagers ... I feel bad, etc' because that is a real possibility. End this relationship now.

This is not a healthy relationship if you are being pushed around. Be strong and brave. End it and go forwards with no regrets. He'll soon find another mug, believe me.

Have you dumped this freeloader yet?

I don't know what I'm asking really, feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Well you shouldn’t be op. Not if your children were more important to you than a man you’ve known 18 months who is “making” you “feel guilty” about not moving in to your home.

just know that if you do do this - you’re a shit parent. Harsh but true. You made a decision that you actively knew was completely not in the best interests of your children, far far far from it. And yet you thought “fuck it”.

and as for “taking notes” from this thread to chat with him about. Oh come on Op, woman the hell up. It’s not brain science

When he has to spend nights away from me he states that his house doesn't feel like a home.
So when he is in his own house, where his children live, it doesn't feel like home????? Did that not make you question what bullshit this was?

Old saying, if it ain't broke,don't fix it. Your living arrangements for you and your children are working for you. Your arrangements for spending time with your partner seem to be working well. At least 2 of his kids may, realistically be moving out/on in a couple of years anyway.

Emotional blackmail apart....

I would advise you to tell him that while you do see a future with him it won't work in the short term and that you're prepared to wait a year or two in order for things to progress smoothly. If he won't accept a reasoned approach like that, maybe he needs to examine his motivation in wanting to rush ahead with such major adjustments in all your lives

How many bedrooms do you have? I would hope at least six

I think the rush is more financial and you as housekeeper for his brood—- not a good basis for a LTR.
In 3 years his youngest will be at Uni/ College, eldest either graduated or well established in a job. The middle child’s future will be determined by the degree of his autism but there are supported living schemes. That would be the time to start to think about living together but atm way too many red flags to make this a happy situation.

@torndawn
NO, No and THRICE NO!!!!
It will be the death knell to your relationship, and absolutely unfair on your own children.
You would be a mother to FIVE Children , That means significantly less time to spend with your own children .
If it goes tits up, getting them all out would not be easy.

Thing is, it was ALWAYS on his agenda. All the bs and wringing of hands about his home… this is not infatuation, this is love bombing and he’s faking it to get what he wants

I'm inclined to agree. If he's been trying this for months, and you've only been together 18 months, then I would be hearing big, clanging alarm bells.

OP, you say that you're infatuated right now. That makes it THE worst time to make any decision that involve children.

Once he's in, you'll never get him out. And you'll probably want to. Imagine the guilt-bombing of 'how can you chuck my children out on the street' etc.

He has absolutely zero interest in your welfare and much less your kids

This. If he was a stand-up guy, he would NOT be pressuring you, when you have young kids. A truly decent man would not do that. Please let that point land. Your kids need you to make the right decision here.

18 months is no time at all!
Wait another 2 years, and his elder two will likely be looking to move out/become more independent.
How can he threaten to split up based on the fact that you won’t want him to move into your calm house

Red flags aside (and you could host a street party with all those in your op), and going just on the info in your op.

You will end up regretting it.

But not as much as your children will.

OP, your life with your DC sounds like a harmonious dream. Keep hold of it.

Well her kids still have a man they didn’t know from Adam less than a year ago kipping over 3x a week.

Op will come back with an update about how she spoke to him and he took it well and apologised for mentioning splitting. He he will feel awful and so ashamed. So she feels bad. But he will accept her boundaries. And Op can go back to thinking his wonderful.

Its highly unlikely he will finish the relationship over this. If he finishes it, he can’t get what he wants. Instead he will pretend to respect her boundaries. Love bomb some more and then start pushing boundaries again. The red flags are already on display, but I don’t think op wants to see them.

I wonder how op would feel if it was her 16 year old barely being parented by their other parent so they could shack up with their new girlfriend.

Less than a year ago - well that was presuming the op waited before introducing them but in the basis of this thread… she probably brought them along on the first date

This

totally blackmailing you. Red flag. Don’t allow yourself to be bullied into this. You’re happy with your life the way it is.

I think she will say all that

and then 6 weeks in change her mind and the carnage will begin.

the fact she is even considering when it’s so clearly to the detriment of her own children speaks volumes

Invite this freddie freeloader and his adult children into your home and your own children will suffer so much.
They may resent you for ever, as it will spell the end of their peaceful lives.
Freddie Freeloader wants a Nanny and housekeeper- YOU.

After 18 months of seeing each other I'm not even sure if he would have MET my kids, never mind live with them. It's just too early imo to move a new man in with your children. I'd want to live apart for at least a few years before I let a man move in. How well do you really know someone after 18 months? Not enough to be trusted to live with my children.

My MiL met her partner when my husband was 12 - he didn’t want to take on a pre teenager and she didn’t want to bring a man into the house. They’ve been together now 37 years and still don’t live together. It works for them!

I have a two friends who are in long term relationships and don’t live together- they both co-parent 50/50 or near enough with their exs , they just find it easier when the kids home to just focus on them and not unbalance the house.

Your children are a priority to you and I completely understand why you wouldn’t want to blend with the age ranges. If he can’t understand you want to put your children needs first then there is your red flag :/

His reality involves his children, including the autistic one. You don’t sound like you can cope with them.

I think he’s right. He should find the courage and willingness to put his children first, just as you’re doing ( rightly so) and end the relationship. I’m inclined to think that, a woman, in his shoes, would’ve ended the relationship already.

Ending it sooner than later will give you both more time to find people your lives are compatible with.

Is your house really big enough? Have you got 6 bedrooms? If not who is going to share? Your children shouldn't have to lose their bedrooms. So two bedrooms for your kids, a bedroom for you that I assume he is going to share that makes 3 bedrooms, if you have 4 are his 3 all going to share? If you have 5 which 2 of his will share?

Please be careful, blending families isn't easy, teenagers make it worst, a child with special needs is another complication.

Don't be rushed.

Dawn that's the second time you've got upset at the prospect of us living together, and your only reason is you don't want to live with my children, if this is the case then it really is a non starter and I can't see a future

He's using the same tactics that scammers use - making you panic that you might lose him and overriding your calm thinking processes as to why this isn't a good idea for you and your children. He wants an instant reaction of 'I love you and losing you would be the worse thing ever,' so you say yes without having the chance to think it over and make your point to him calmly; and with an additional helping of guilt that 'you don't want to live with my children.' Chuggers use this to manipulate people - 'don't you CARE about children with cancer??'

You're being manipulated big time here. Quite apart from that, which has more red flags than a May Day parade, I'm getting second hand stress just reading what his family is like. What on earth would it be like full time for you and your kids?

I’m not sure what you mean...I added to the discussion in reply to a comment you made, with further relevant points.

I certainly didn’t ‘pounce on you.’

My point was that in a relationship like this, under these circumstances with so many considerations, not least 5 other individuals, two of whom are young children and one of whom is a vulnerable teenager, ‘moving the relationship forward’ does not necessarily entail one party moving into the home of the other.

Of course he’s entitled to want to ‘move the relationship forward’ and of course he’s entitled to walk away if he can’t get what he wants from the relationship. I don’t think anyone’s actually questioning that or saying anything different.

However neither of those show him to be a good, decent man with love and respect for the OP and consideration for her children.