He wants to move in and blend our families.

[torndawn]

The thought fills me with dread.

Me and my DP have been together 18 months. I adore him and love having him around.

His children all live with him, however they are teenagers (16/17/19) so he'll often spends 2/3 night here and when my 2DC 2 nights of the week are with there dad I stay with him.

My home is able to house us all, and he's been saying for months and months we should all live together. This has recently ramped up with him understandably worrying about the cost of living.

The thought fills me with dread. My children (8 and 10) are obvs much younger than his and we live very harmoniously. I'm so worried about rocking the boat. His house on the other hand always feels so chaotic, nothing bad just normal teenager stuff, rooms a total disgrace, eating all the food, always shouts of "where's my charger, who's took my straighteners, dad will you tell DS/DB he's done thiiiisss or that, I need money, I need a lift" bathroom always full of clothes on the floor, teenagers in pyjamas all day"

They are all lovely children and he runs a tight ship despite all the above. They are mostly respectful and polite. It is of note though that the 17yr old boy is autistic and that comes with obvs difficulties (mainly personal hygiene, excessive eating, mess, in the house 24/7 as no friends to socialise with, constant requests to play/draw/watch TV with him) he's a kind gentle soul though.

The thought of x4 more washing, constant noise, food not being there as expected, all that mess, no alone time. (I work from home so when my DC are at school I thrive off the silence).

We had a deep chat last night about it all which ended with me in tears as I find the prospect overwhelming. We've just walked my dog and he said "Dawn that's the second time you've got upset at the prospect of us living together, and your only reason is you don't want to live with my children, if this is the case then it really is a non starter and I can't see a future".

The thought of loosing him breaks my heart.

It's shit, I know we can set ground rules etc but the risk and loss if it doesn't work out is huge.

I don't know what I'm asking really, feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

*”He leaves his kids alone 10 days a month! Not because of work but just because he can and he wants to. That's really shitting parenting and a clear sign he is thinking about himself first and foremost, not anyone else.

The cheek of insisting you must take on his kids 24/7 when he can't even do it himself. I mean come on OP, wake up”*

This - and as Po said, saying his house didn’t feel a home when his children were there.

He is showing you who is he. Believe him!

That would be a hard no for me.
aside from the fact that he is putting pressure on you 18 months in, he’s leaving his DC to fend for themselves so he can get his leg over. I get that they are teenagers, but they still need a parent around, not off living with someone else’s DC a couple of nights a week or whatever it is. If he’s not thinking about his DC while you are living apart, he’s certainly not thinking about their best interests when talking about living together.
plus, it’s not going to work for your DC, who need a peaceful environment and not three, unrelated older teenagers to live with.
he is the one making it a dealbreaker, so yes, I don’t see anywhere to go from here. It would be perfectly possible to wait until all DC are older.

He should also remember that the infatuation stage will die very quickly when you live together with 5 children!!
living separately and parenting separately is the way to maintain infatuation in my experience

Apart from all the other reasons why this is a bad idea, I really can't see the autistic DS adjusting to the massive changes this would bring for him. He'll melt down and your life will be hell. His dad sounds selfish and naive.

There are loads of good reasons for you not to do this, OP, but in any case, do you not see the huge inconsistency between you saying that you and he are very much in love and him saying “if you don’t let us move in with you, the relationship is over”? That’s not love speaking. Love would respect your views and feelings, which are well-founded and reasonable, not try to emotionally blackmail you into housing him and his 3 teenagers. I’m not sure he’s as good for you as you think he is.

To put the cold hard facts out.

you are financially well off. Have a large, calm, clean home; a good career and no financial concerns. I assume you own your own home and you have at least six bedrooms.

he is a single parent (?) with three children / one of whom may never be independent.

he moves into your calm oasis bringing three teens. How will bills be split? He wants to do this to save money. Does he own or rent his house? Will he pay your rent? Will you still have a home office?

what happens if you split? Will he then be homeless? Will you be subsidising his lifestyle?

will your children miss out becoase you have three more children to support?

this is all a really bad idea. You don’t know him well enough to risk such significant upheaval in your home.

Fuck no. Stress, hassle, unhappiness is what awaits.
You're content as you are that is priceless. Do not buckle.

The thought of x4 more washing, constant noise, food not being there as expected, all that mess...
Amongst the red flags, I thought this line in your OP perhaps lets slip an unhealthy dynamic in your relationship. I would be assuming less housework with a partner moving in. Someone else to do half the cooking, half the cleaning etc. And even more so with older teens, that should be something that reduces your workload even more as they will be more than capable of doing their own laundry, their share of washing up etc. That you assume it'll all fall on you says a lot about the existing relationships there.

I dont think you sound pessimistic at all! Just realistic.There are so many Red Flags flying here .He has 3 teenagers ,one autistic , a smaller home .You have a comfortable large home ,he visits you .So has ready made sex ,leaves the kids behind and wonders why you dont want to be a ready made host for him! Read the room OP ,this man has everything to gain and nothing to lose.The other way round for you isnt it?

So many, many red flags.

Do not do this.

who was he with before you? He’s looking for a maid.

your children will suffer.

I think it is absolutely awful that he is leaving his 16 year old two or three nights a week because he is 'infatuated' with you! Just because a 16 year old can get themselves to school/college and cook themselves some pasta doesn't mean they don't need parenting. I think that is really shocking TBH.

Bad idea for all the reasons mentioned.

I'd also be concerned about him leaving a 16 year old alone half the week. Mine is probably more needy at 16 than he was a few years ago! So much going on at that age (sorting out 6th form/college, applying to uni, first job, first relationships etc etc) that they want/need parental input with. I was massively neglected at that age and made some really stupid decisions (left home at 17 to run off with a 31 year old) and set myself up for several decades of poverty and challenges that could have been avoided with decent parental support.

Don't assume they will leave home at 18. Or assume they will go to uni and not come back. Cost of living isn't going to get better, you'll be financially supporting his children (potentially through uni) unless you keep finances separate.

Don't do it Op. You've had some great advice on this thread so please listen to it.

Also, you really really need to prioritise your own DCs. This will be nothing but disruptive to them.

If it's going to be a long term relationship, why not wait until your own children are 18 & leaving home? Plenty of people live separately and are in committed relationships - there really is no need to rush into it, especially when you've so much to lose.

I would be assuming less housework with a partner moving in. Someone else to do half the cooking,

Half the times for twice the people-same with laundry.

So is it less?

It's worse than that, every other week he leaves him for 5 days.

Oh go on OP - do it and be kind.

You will enjoy having the word "doormat" imprinted on your back won't you? So sign up and go ahead.....

The financial support through uni is a valid point OP.

For student loans it's the household income taken into account not just the parent who they live with.

I know you're in love and that colours your thinking but there's so much wrong here @torndawn. You're very upfront that living with him and his DC would be too stressful for you so don't do it, just that, don't agree. You still seem to feel you have to justify yourself to him but you don't, you're a grown woman and a DM and you are allowed to keep your and your DC's lives as suits you best.

Few other points- he leaves his DS's alone for 5 days at a time at their age? I bet he doesn't know half or what they do when he's not there, as a teenager I'd have been up to all sorts - not good parenting there. Would you feel able to trust him with your DC knowing his attitute?

Will he expect to split the bills 50/50 - a big no to that, 3 teenagers will wrack up the food bill no end. I'd be tempted to ask what he thinks is fair just to see.

Will you be expected to do everything? He's not cooking and cleaning for his DC's much I imagine if he leaves them alone for days at a time.

Love's a wonderful thing but emotional blackmail is not- just a thought Op

I can just imagine your DC sitting amongst all the chaos thinking what on earth is happening.

A lot of childless couples wouldn't even move in together after only being in a relationship for 18 months so I can't imagine what it would be like for your own children to suddenly have their mums DP and 3 teenagers move in, it's not like from birth where they've grown used to it.
Unfortunately you have to bare in mind once DP has given up his own home what if things didn't work out would you be stuck with an Ex Dp and his teenage children and feeling out of place in your own home? How would that even work?
It's not sitting right that your DP says there's no future together if he doesn't move in, that's a very big ultimatum after only 18 months especially with 3 DC in tow, 1 of those an adult themselves and another soon to be.
Could the older one stay at your DP home that they're at now?

How do they feel all about moving in anyway I find it odd a 19 year old would want to.

Another point while he mentions finances your household bills are set to rise along with the rest of us soon anyway so how much more with 4x people will the utility bills go up by, would those that can contribute to the house hold bills do so for more than just the first few months?
Equally the amount of household chores will go up 4 fold...Will all that be down to you to see to?

Do the older children have jobs or will they be home all day?

Don't be fooled by someone telling you all the things you want to hear while thinking/knowing otherwise.

While I can understand you saying you love him relationships really are a two way thing and in some cases ultimatums are not really a good thing, this is such a big ask from him and despite what he says I can't help but think he's trying to guilt trip you and that's not really the foundations for any relationship let alone one where your 2 DC are effectively going to have 3 older children thrown at them and could be stuck in the middle if things go wrong, in what sounds like their lovely happy secure home/lives.

Fuck no.

He's at your house 5 days and you at his 2?

So how much does he pay for the three days at yours.

How much housework / cooking / shopping does he VOLUNTEER to do?

He loves his kids that much that he leaves them 5 days?? That's weird.

Teenage boys are hairy and it's a lot of work to clean up the bathrooms they use. Is your partner going to do the extra bathroom cleaning? I doubt it. Even if he says he will, he won't.

I agree that childless couples wouldn’t necessarily do this.

i am single, never married, no kids. Financially secure, nice large house is good area.

I would be very wary about a man who want to move into my house after 18 months of dating. I would need to think long and hard - and would probably take legal advice to ensure my home was protected.

this perhaps explains why I am single😂😂😂

Dawn that's the second time you've got upset at the prospect of us living together, and your only reason is you don't want to live with my children, if this is the case then it really is a non starter and I can't see a future".

His children are in their late teens, not toddlers. He should be able to see a future where you could easily live together in a few short years when some or all of them have flown the nest. He is being very pushy.

Absolutely bonkers.

maybe you could live together after his are all grown and living independently but even then I would probably want to wait until yours are also grown and gone and you are two empty-nesters planning for retirement (and willing to either keep a house big enough for all of them to visit overnight at once or so small none can visit overnight at all!)

Tiny house with a big field at the back where 5 tents can be pitched seems perfect 😉

I’m sure the absolute last thing his teens would want is a whole new house with a whole new set of stepparent rules at this life stage. He’s mad to consider it - if he’s having trouble funding them all (and fuck knows teens are costly) they can all get part time jobs and start contributing to their own needs and appetites.

your two would get swamped in the chaos and would likely resent having to share their resources with a sudden influx of older step siblings who are in the most selfish/loud/annoying phase of life. I fully anticipate your kids starting to act up as a subconscious attention grab/attempt at self preservation in a newly chaotic household.

is your fella completely mad? Or just oblivious to human dynamics?