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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He wants to move in and blend our families.

729 replies

torndawn · 24/09/2022 12:00

The thought fills me with dread.

Me and my DP have been together 18 months. I adore him and love having him around.

His children all live with him, however they are teenagers (16/17/19) so he'll often spends 2/3 night here and when my 2DC 2 nights of the week are with there dad I stay with him.

My home is able to house us all, and he's been saying for months and months we should all live together. This has recently ramped up with him understandably worrying about the cost of living.

The thought fills me with dread. My children (8 and 10) are obvs much younger than his and we live very harmoniously. I'm so worried about rocking the boat. His house on the other hand always feels so chaotic, nothing bad just normal teenager stuff, rooms a total disgrace, eating all the food, always shouts of "where's my charger, who's took my straighteners, dad will you tell DS/DB he's done thiiiisss or that, I need money, I need a lift" bathroom always full of clothes on the floor, teenagers in pyjamas all day"

They are all lovely children and he runs a tight ship despite all the above. They are mostly respectful and polite. It is of note though that the 17yr old boy is autistic and that comes with obvs difficulties (mainly personal hygiene, excessive eating, mess, in the house 24/7 as no friends to socialise with, constant requests to play/draw/watch TV with him) he's a kind gentle soul though.

The thought of x4 more washing, constant noise, food not being there as expected, all that mess, no alone time. (I work from home so when my DC are at school I thrive off the silence).

We had a deep chat last night about it all which ended with me in tears as I find the prospect overwhelming. We've just walked my dog and he said "Dawn that's the second time you've got upset at the prospect of us living together, and your only reason is you don't want to live with my children, if this is the case then it really is a non starter and I can't see a future".

The thought of loosing him breaks my heart.

It's shit, I know we can set ground rules etc but the risk and loss if it doesn't work out is huge.

I don't know what I'm asking really, feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

OP posts:
CousinKrispy · 25/09/2022 15:14

*joy, not you, derp

SudocremOnEverything · 25/09/2022 15:14

that is really impressive. How on earth does anyone read this thread and decide that the OP sounds controlling and over anxious?

wellhelloitsme · 25/09/2022 15:16

SudocremOnEverything · 25/09/2022 15:14

that is really impressive. How on earth does anyone read this thread and decide that the OP sounds controlling and over anxious?

They meant a PP who said they wouldn't leave their 19 year old alone for a few nights

JustLyra · 25/09/2022 15:16

A 19 year old home alone is fine. A 19 year old being repeatedly left to look after her 16 year old sibling - not fine.

what if she gets a last minute invitation out? Her dads sex life shouldn’t be dictating hers.

And a 16 year old shouldn’t be left home alone that often so the 19yo likely does feel the responsibility.

Basically it sounds like he knows leaving the youngest constantly isn’t on so he needs a plan for when the eldest moves - step in the OP.

TheLassWiADelicateAir · 25/09/2022 15:16

I have to say I'm still completely appalled by his approach to parenting his own DC. I wasn't mature enough at 19 to be left on my own, at least emotionally speaking, and my parents wouldn't have dreamed of it. Other families will approach this differently and that's fine,

A 19 year old, absent special needs, should be able to live on their own.

Stravaig · 25/09/2022 15:17

Really wise and measured posts @SudocremOnEverything

CousinKrispy · 25/09/2022 15:19

A 19 year old should be able to live on their own. But that's not what this 19 year old is doing. This 19 year old isn't getting to pursue their own independent life, they are being left in charge of a sibling while dad makes it obvious that the kids are not his first priority.

TheLassWiADelicateAir · 25/09/2022 15:21

CousinKrispy · 25/09/2022 15:12

Lol at not jumping for you at the prospect of three teenagers suddenly moving into your home being "controlling."

That's not who the "controlling" comment is referring to. It's at WendyWagon or possibly even you at the idea a 19 year old can't live independently from their parents.

JudyGemstone · 25/09/2022 15:24

wellhelloitsme · 25/09/2022 15:16

They meant a PP who said they wouldn't leave their 19 year old alone for a few nights

Show quote history

Yes, we meant the poster who wouldn’t leave her 19 year old alone for a few nights.

CousinKrispy · 25/09/2022 15:27

Oh, sorry, Lass, my mistake.

Yeah I agree a 19 year old can be left alone for a few nights. Under normal circumstances!

Gevrgrgrtv · 25/09/2022 15:35

you’re given this guy way too much credit

he wants to move his whole family into your owned home and for what? I’m unclear how this benefits you at all

further all you seem to do is defend him and feel guilty for “leading him up the garden path” rather than be completely insulted that this knob essentially said “let my kids move into your house or it’s over”

CatsandFish · 25/09/2022 15:35

At 19 most have left home, are working full time or away at uni.

This site is so batshit sometimes, no wonder children grow up with no social skills if an adult at 19, an adult, can have their own flat or house and be in full time work, or even left alone for a few nights. Absolute fucking batshit and truly disturbing.

Tuilpmouse · 25/09/2022 15:39

I also have a 19 year old although super clever I wouldn't want her left alone for 5 nights. The world is a difficult place. I would be worried about strangers calling etc.

There are many issues here, but leaving a 19 year old isn't one of them! I find it quite disturbing that you believe you can't leave your 19 year old alone overnight! Do you realise how many thousands 18 year olds have gone off to university until Christmas, often 100s of miles away!

NeverDropYourMooncup · 25/09/2022 15:55

Sushi7 · 25/09/2022 14:51

@WendyWagon I also have a 19 year old although super clever I wouldn't want her left alone for 5 nights. The world is a difficult place. I would be worried about strangers calling etc.

She’s 19, not 9! You should’ve told your Dd about stranger danger when she was 4. I lived away from my parents when I was 18 and didn’t tell them where I was when I went out alone shock horror

And I was a mum at 19. Doesn't mean I'd have been able to parent a sixteen year old sibling for the last year or so, though. Or that it should have been forced on me because my own largely absent through my childhood father was completely disinterested in being a present parent and fucked off to get a shag from somebody else with a nicer house every night, only coming back when my disabled brother was back from Mum's.

Let him dump you, OP. He won't love you nearly as much as he will an impressionable 25 year old with an inherited propertyin about six weeks time.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 25/09/2022 16:00

Actually, thinking about it, if the 19 year is planning to move out (and therefore not be forced into a mothering role anymore), it's very convenient that as his night time babysitter is running for the hills looking to spread her wings, his pressure on the OP to let him move in is stepping up a notch.

As though he's bricking it at the thought of actually looking after his own 16 year old child for the next two years as well as the 17 year old for anything up to the next 40 instead of playing at being young and carefree with a nice wealthy girlfriend...

FinallyHere · 25/09/2022 16:02

The 16 year old is much more at risk of missing a parent than the 19 year old.

I think it's a blessing that he has been pressurising you. Without that, it would not be quite so clear that blending would benefit him so much more than you and yours.

Be clear it's not going to happen anytime soon. Not before your youngest has at least moved into Uni so not living ft at home and beyond.

Let's see whether he stays in your life. I hope he is decent and goes stay around.

wellhelloitsme · 25/09/2022 16:13

NeverDropYourMooncup · 25/09/2022 16:00

Actually, thinking about it, if the 19 year is planning to move out (and therefore not be forced into a mothering role anymore), it's very convenient that as his night time babysitter is running for the hills looking to spread her wings, his pressure on the OP to let him move in is stepping up a notch.

As though he's bricking it at the thought of actually looking after his own 16 year old child for the next two years as well as the 17 year old for anything up to the next 40 instead of playing at being young and carefree with a nice wealthy girlfriend...

Hadn't thought of this and it's an excellent point.

Herejustforthisone · 25/09/2022 16:29

Just don’t do it. If you have a lovely set up at home I rather suspect, when you say no and he stops ‘love bombing’ you’ll see what he’s really like and what he was really after.

LadyEloise1 · 25/09/2022 16:47

megletthesecond · 24/09/2022 12:48

Do not move in together. He will benefit massively, everyone else loses. Especially you.

If he wants to break up then that's a lucky escape.

This 💯

LadyEloise1 · 25/09/2022 16:50

Gevrgrgrtv · 25/09/2022 15:35

you’re given this guy way too much credit

he wants to move his whole family into your owned home and for what? I’m unclear how this benefits you at all

further all you seem to do is defend him and feel guilty for “leading him up the garden path” rather than be completely insulted that this knob essentially said “let my kids move into your house or it’s over”

And this.
Please listen to what the huge majority of posters have written.
Do Not Let Him and is children move in.

sponsabillaries · 25/09/2022 16:52

What’s the betting that the 19yo has started making noises about getting an evening job or moving out?

Dave20 · 25/09/2022 17:01

OP- your partner was in the Navy you say and did his full career, hence his pension. Meaning he would have spent alot of time at sea- presumably his ex did most of the parenting during their lives? I know lots of Navy personnel spend alot of time away.
Why do they now live with him and not his ex?

lbzbean · 25/09/2022 17:03

I'm a man, I don't post often. But i always enjoy reading you ladies discussing lives and issues whether i agree or not.

In this case, i have to add my voice.

Holy shit do not let this man move in. He might not be consciously doing it, but he wants help (financial, practical and parenting) rather than a relationship.

If things are difficult for him post divorce (and having been through it and having teenagers i could understand if that was the case), do not make his problem your problem.

Blondeshavemorefun · 25/09/2022 17:12

Have to agree with the others. Don’t let him move in.

but mine is a yet not never

18mths isn’t long when kids are involved

dh and I moved in after 6mths as felt right but also as no kids they lived with us as all adult

I know it must be hard to not live as one as that is the normal step after meeting someone so I don’t think he’s wrong in mentioning it

but not at the moment

maybe in 5yrs - maybe longer

great he has his own house so can rent that out /keep it if ever does move in with you

keep mortgage separate but pay bills together and food as and when

tho I was wondering as reading lists and someone else also noticed it

if was in the navy then obv travelled a bit /not at home much so why do the 3 kids now live with him

okytdvhuoo · 25/09/2022 17:30

SudocremOnEverything · 25/09/2022 15:02

a couple more thoughts from me:

I think that the concept of a ‘trial run’ just can’t apply in this situation. Because the children - and your children - need certainty and consistency. You can’t just try out living as a blended family. This is part of what makes the whole thing so difficult and why people just don’t know what they’re getting in to in advance. You need to take your time getting to know him and then all getting to know each other. Then if you feel as sure as you can be, to make the change and blend.

Oh Dave and his 3 kids are going to move in a for a month to see how things go, just isn’t a viable plan.

The other thing is that it probably isn’t a calculated and nefarious plan to secure a lovely cocklodging life. But that doesn’t mean that he, like many other divorced fathers, hasn’t recognised a competent, settled, financially secure woman who can provide the home life he wants and make up for what he sees as deficiencies in his current family set up. He’s so keen to do it, regardless of your misgivings (and he’s been so lovebomb-y) because he recognises a ‘good catch’ and wants to make sure he catches it.

On its own, that’s understandable. But when you start factoring in the 5 children whose lives are affected, and the manipulative way in which it’s increasingly being framed, it’s definitely not good. He wants you - the whole package you offer. But seems less keen on you without the bundled extras of housing them all etc. At only 18 months in.

That’s a problem.

I think that lots of men with low level abusive tendencies of the kind that this suggests really do want to be good guys. They think they are good guys. Often they’re just so fixated on their own goals and unable to see the bigger picture or to properly view you as someone whose views should matter equally (or more so, given it’s your house!). This is part of what makes them so hard to spot. They aren’t scary weirdos who seem like they’d harm you. They seem like lovely genuine, guys who are trying to do the right thing. They think they are.

And somehow you find yourself in weird situations where they’re financially abusing you or coercing you into sex and still they think they’re good guys doing the right thing. Because you see, (for example) he should be able to spend what he wants on his own children and it’s ridiculous and controlling that you think he needs to consider the whole household. Or sex is important to being a couple, so it’s only because he loves you so much and the relationship is so important.

All of this is supercharged when you’ve had a force 10 abusive relationships. The various, and intermittent, force 3 and 4 gusts don’t feel like anything really, and anyway you should have worn a warmer coat or remembered to put the bins in that sheltered corner. Then the force 6 or 7 stuff is exceptional. And it’s your fault because actually you do feel a bit resentful of this situation (where you and your children are always last and you’re expected to do loads for him and his kids despite that). But it’s not the same, as that really terrible relationship. No. He’s a good guy; it’s you.

And so on. And on.

You can see some of this stuff in your posts @torndawn. You feel you’ve led him down the garden path. You’re the problem for having reservations. He’s just wanting what everyone wants in a relationship, surely.

I agree that the freedom programme or high quality counselling for people after abusive relationships might be a very good idea.

Very well expressed and spot on.

Just because someone isn’t a malevolent bastard to the core, or is in fact even quite nice and well intentioned in many ways, doesn’t mean they’re not capable of being emotionally abusive or manipulative when it comes to serving their own needs.

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