He wants to move in and blend our families.

[torndawn]

The thought fills me with dread.

Me and my DP have been together 18 months. I adore him and love having him around.

His children all live with him, however they are teenagers (16/17/19) so he'll often spends 2/3 night here and when my 2DC 2 nights of the week are with there dad I stay with him.

My home is able to house us all, and he's been saying for months and months we should all live together. This has recently ramped up with him understandably worrying about the cost of living.

The thought fills me with dread. My children (8 and 10) are obvs much younger than his and we live very harmoniously. I'm so worried about rocking the boat. His house on the other hand always feels so chaotic, nothing bad just normal teenager stuff, rooms a total disgrace, eating all the food, always shouts of "where's my charger, who's took my straighteners, dad will you tell DS/DB he's done thiiiisss or that, I need money, I need a lift" bathroom always full of clothes on the floor, teenagers in pyjamas all day"

They are all lovely children and he runs a tight ship despite all the above. They are mostly respectful and polite. It is of note though that the 17yr old boy is autistic and that comes with obvs difficulties (mainly personal hygiene, excessive eating, mess, in the house 24/7 as no friends to socialise with, constant requests to play/draw/watch TV with him) he's a kind gentle soul though.

The thought of x4 more washing, constant noise, food not being there as expected, all that mess, no alone time. (I work from home so when my DC are at school I thrive off the silence).

We had a deep chat last night about it all which ended with me in tears as I find the prospect overwhelming. We've just walked my dog and he said "Dawn that's the second time you've got upset at the prospect of us living together, and your only reason is you don't want to live with my children, if this is the case then it really is a non starter and I can't see a future".

The thought of loosing him breaks my heart.

It's shit, I know we can set ground rules etc but the risk and loss if it doesn't work out is huge.

I don't know what I'm asking really, feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

I think you're being a bit hard on yourself if you think you have 'led him up the garden path'...you haven't.
Every relationship is a try it and see scenario for the first while. There shouldn't be a strict timeline that you have to tick off, especially when you both have children involved.
You met someone, started dating and probably had some nice ideas about 'one day we'll....' but you've realised after a while that you're not ready for that yet and neither are your children who are still pretty young. It's a perfectly normal reaction.

Whether he respects your choice and doesn't guilt trip you will tell you a lot.

He’s 41? Surely he had a plan for when he left the service? 41 is very young to be looking at retiring and building a new business takes time - what was his plan for an income between leaving and becoming established? Have his kids always lived with him?

It sounds like moving in with you makes his life much easier for him, but I’d want to see him fully established in some kind of profitable occupation, and his kids having grown and left home before considering moving him in. It sounds like he’s just done his sums and realised he needs support, and you’ll do. He’s not contributing to the bit of living with you that he’s doing and hasn’t discussed how he sees things working out financially now - which isn’t promising.

How much time have you all spent together thus far that he thinks blending 5 kids will fly?

He's 41! I don't know where I got 59 from. That makes his behaviour even worse!

This man needs to get a job. He really isn't in a position to be dating seriously or moving in with people, he needs to prioritise finding full time work. I would have said that thinking he was 59 but at 41, seriously? What are you thinking OP? This man sounds like a bit of a conman. Or a Homeless Joe type (google it, on YouTube, funny but also relevant). There are a lot of these men about. My friend is advertising for a lodger and she has been inundated with men asking to move in almost straight away with no deposit or references and being quite flirty.

I think the rush is is that we are very much in love, probably still that infatuation stage, but we hate being away from eachother. When he has to spend nights away from me he states that his house doesn't feel like a home.

It's the end goal for most relationships isn't it? Fall in love and live happily ever after

Are you 40ish as well? You sound about 17.

I feel sorry for your and his children.

@torndawn
Does the BF come with food and drink for the days he is with you? Does he pay equally when you are out or treat you?
I have posted about what happened to my divorced wealthy friend. Her ex partner now lives in the big house, she in rented. Their blended family didn't work. I have another friend who is very successful, was love bombed, married him and all her friends were dumped. We all warned her he was a ponce. I hope she is happy. I fear you are putting your family at so much risk.
I also have a 19 year old although super clever I wouldn't want her left alone for 5 nights. The world is a difficult place. I would be worried about strangers calling etc.
I know you feel you love him but as someone who has been married a long time a grabby man is not a kind one. My husband still buys my dinner and puts petrol in my car. If I left him he wouldn't challenge me to my assets because he is decent and has self respect. Please tell him no and to bugger off if you have any nonsense.
You are worth more.

OP you haven't really addressed what many of us pointed out - that he's at best a bit of a rubbish dad and at worst a shit dad, for choosing to leave his kids (one of whom is 16) for five nights in a row every fortnight in order to come over to yours and shag you then stay over.

Isn't that a massive turnoff that he doesn't want to spend quality time with the kids that perhaps don't get that much of it when their sibling is there due to his additional needs?

He wants you to prioritise his kids when he doesn't do so himself for at least 10 out of 30 days a month...

The bit where he tells you he prefers your house because it feels like a home...

That really stood out to me.

Why is he not able to create his own home?
You say he has a good pension, plus earning potential, older children who don't need constant supervision, owns his own house....why does he need you to create him a home?

The fact is he comes with a disabled child who will have a massive impact on your life. Currently your bf is happy to abandon his child to come and enjoy the comforts of your arms and your home.
Basically he's not really looking after his children currently, so you will pick up the slack when he moves in.
Or will you both ignore the disable child and their needs for companionship when they all move in?
Or will your young children be encouraged to look after the disabled child and entertain him while you and your bf cuddle on the sofa?

Your bf needs to grow up, stop putting his cock and his comfort first. He should be actively parenting his own children (who he can assume if he was in the Navy he has not had extended periods of parenting) he should be caring and helping his disabled child develop life skills and confidence, not abandoning him to hang around with you all the time because you make everything easy for him.

You have NOT led him up any path, but boy is trying to get you up one.

A trial run is an insane idea.

Once he gets his feet under your table you are finished.

The noise alone will have you running for the hills.

Your children hiding out from all these strangers invading their home.

If as you now say he comes over late, he doesn't know your children from Adam.

You definitely need the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

You managed to get away from one arsehole.

You need to guard your beyond precious autonomy, zealously.

Your children have had enough disruption in their childhood if you left a narcissistic prick.

I also have a 19 year old although super clever I wouldn't want her left alone for 5 nights. The world is a difficult place. I would be worried about strangers calling etc.

Many 19 year olds have left home. A 19 year old is perfectly capable of living on their own. That aspect doesn't bother me so much as the fact the 19 year old is left to parent the 16 year old.

I don't actually think a 16 year old is a child and can't be safely left alone too, but there's something really off about running off every night at 10p.m for a shag.

Tbh I don't think the 'it doesn't feel like home' is an issue/red flag.

It probably does feel more homely when OP is there and it probably feels similar to OP at times. They're chopping and changing where they are and dealing with the changes of that is going to feel strange - if you had a visitor in your house it would feel different when they left and because she's more than a guest I can see why it would feel strange. I feel my home is less homely if one of my dcs are away.

I also don't think it's wrong to want to be a family with OP. Teenagers feel young to parents but if you're not that dcs parent they probably come across like mini adults - They're really not.

I don't think you should move in with him OP, uni funding, lack of space, additional work and dc around all the time would be way too much for me as well but I don't think he's out of order for wanting it.

Your bf needs to grow up, stop putting his cock and his comfort first.

Frankly the OP needs to grow up too and stop putting his cock first.

I too was married to an low level abusive arsehole.

After my divorce I then dated long term a guy who I thought was wonderful, completely different to my ex.

Turns out he was also a low level abusive arsehole, in lots of ways even worse, but in a completely different way to my ex.

They walk among us in many many guises.

Hell no. I wouldn't want to take on anyone's dc for anything. Stick to your guns. He sees you coming. 18 months, that's like 5 minutes. Don't do that to your children.

Yep. It's hard to spot a 6/10 wanker when you've been with a 10/10 wanker, but what we should be aiming for is a 0/10 wanker. Especially if children are involved and there's a history of them being around unhealthy or otherwise abusive relationships before.

Oh and if he moves in for a 'a trial run' there's no way he's going anywhere.

You'll inevitably realise that him and his kids moving in isn't in your kids' best interests after all (because it absolutely isn't) and then the emotional blackmail (using his kids as ammunition) will really kick in, which will be like his current guilt tripping on acid...

"I thought you wanted this, but clearly you're happy for me and the kids to be homeless"

"I can't believe you hate my kids so much you don't want to live with them"

Etc etc.

Fuck him off OP, he's not one of the good ones.

Your children hiding out from all these strangers invading their home.

This. I can't imagine doing this to my kids. For a weekend let alone the rest of their childhood and young adulthood.

Slightly different scenario but my sister and I were dumped on an aunt who didn’t want us, her youngest son was a bully because he has cerebral paisley he got away with it. I know what it’s like to have your childhood and teens ruined by being with people who don’t want you. Please do not inflict this on your children.

@WendyWagon I also have a 19 year old although super clever I wouldn't want her left alone for 5 nights. The world is a difficult place. I would be worried about strangers calling etc.

She’s 19, not 9! You should’ve told your Dd about stranger danger when she was 4. I lived away from my parents when I was 18 and didn’t tell them where I was when I went out alone shock horror

a couple more thoughts from me:

I think that the concept of a ‘trial run’ just can’t apply in this situation. Because the children - and your children - need certainty and consistency. You can’t just try out living as a blended family. This is part of what makes the whole thing so difficult and why people just don’t know what they’re getting in to in advance. You need to take your time getting to know him and then all getting to know each other. Then if you feel as sure as you can be, to make the change and blend.

Oh Dave and his 3 kids are going to move in a for a month to see how things go, just isn’t a viable plan.

The other thing is that it probably isn’t a calculated and nefarious plan to secure a lovely cocklodging life. But that doesn’t mean that he, like many other divorced fathers, hasn’t recognised a competent, settled, financially secure woman who can provide the home life he wants and make up for what he sees as deficiencies in his current family set up. He’s so keen to do it, regardless of your misgivings (and he’s been so lovebomb-y) because he recognises a ‘good catch’ and wants to make sure he catches it.

On its own, that’s understandable. But when you start factoring in the 5 children whose lives are affected, and the manipulative way in which it’s increasingly being framed, it’s definitely not good. He wants you - the whole package you offer. But seems less keen on you without the bundled extras of housing them all etc. At only 18 months in.

That’s a problem.

I think that lots of men with low level abusive tendencies of the kind that this suggests really do want to be good guys. They think they are good guys. Often they’re just so fixated on their own goals and unable to see the bigger picture or to properly view you as someone whose views should matter equally (or more so, given it’s your house!). This is part of what makes them so hard to spot. They aren’t scary weirdos who seem like they’d harm you. They seem like lovely genuine, guys who are trying to do the right thing. They think they are.

And somehow you find yourself in weird situations where they’re financially abusing you or coercing you into sex and still they think they’re good guys doing the right thing. Because you see, (for example) he should be able to spend what he wants on his own children and it’s ridiculous and controlling that you think he needs to consider the whole household. Or sex is important to being a couple, so it’s only because he loves you so much and the relationship is so important.

All of this is supercharged when you’ve had a force 10 abusive relationships. The various, and intermittent, force 3 and 4 gusts don’t feel like anything really, and anyway you should have worn a warmer coat or remembered to put the bins in that sheltered corner. Then the force 6 or 7 stuff is exceptional. And it’s your fault because actually you do feel a bit resentful of this situation (where you and your children are always last and you’re expected to do loads for him and his kids despite that). But it’s not the same, as that really terrible relationship. No. He’s a good guy; it’s you.

And so on. And on.

You can see some of this stuff in your posts @torndawn. You feel you’ve led him down the garden path. You’re the problem for having reservations. He’s just wanting what everyone wants in a relationship, surely.

I agree that the freedom programme or high quality counselling for people after abusive relationships might be a very good idea.

I know it's difficult OP, especially when people trot out the sanctimonious "I feel sorry for your children" line, try to ignore that.

It's easy to assume that the goal of a relationship is to fall in love and live happily ever after. But once you're a parent you realise that life is more complicated than that and you have other responsibilities. That makes it totally ok to fall in love but ALSO protect the calm, stable home you are providing for your children. The goal of a relationship at your stage of life (mine too!) isn't necessarily to move in together within the first few years. Not even if your boyfriend claims it is!

I have to say I'm still completely appalled by his approach to parenting his own DC. I wasn't mature enough at 19 to be left on my own, at least emotionally speaking, and my parents wouldn't have dreamed of it. Other families will approach this differently and that's fine, but I think this demonstrates that AT BEST the two of you need to have many, many more discussions about your parenting philosophies and how on earth you're going to blend them IF you ever move in.

On a softer note. It may be understandable that your DP feels more "at home" at yours if he's career military who wasn't home very often while he was on active service. But this is a great opportunity for him to LEARN how to make his own house a home, something that will benefit him psychologically as well as being a pretty bare minimum for his kids! He shouldn't be wanting to rush into this because he ought to be taking time to learn how to be comfortable on his own (how long has he been divorced anyway??)

Good luck OP. I know you want the best for your kids, it just sounds as though you're very much being led by someone who has turned on the charm and many of us have been there.

I don’t feel

Sudocrem above has some very good advice about low-level "good guy" abusers. Again, many of us have been there.

Your gut is being very wise, please listen to it!

i Don’t feel sorry for the OP’s children. It sounds like they have a strong, capable mother whose instincts are that she wants to do what’s right for them - even in the face of some pretty strong emotional
manipulation. and who has sought out other perspectives rather than just believing her boyfriend.

The fact she loves him and sees the best in him doesn’t change the fact that she’s told him no and stood her ground. Nor does listing looking for reassurance that she’s doing the right thing, in a situation where she feels pulled in two directions and like she’s the problem.

Was thinking the same, I moved out age 18 too, along with millions of others.

this poster sounds over anxious to the point of being controlling.

Lol at not jumping for you at the prospect of three teenagers suddenly moving into your home being "controlling."