He wants to move in and blend our families.

[torndawn]

The thought fills me with dread.

Me and my DP have been together 18 months. I adore him and love having him around.

His children all live with him, however they are teenagers (16/17/19) so he'll often spends 2/3 night here and when my 2DC 2 nights of the week are with there dad I stay with him.

My home is able to house us all, and he's been saying for months and months we should all live together. This has recently ramped up with him understandably worrying about the cost of living.

The thought fills me with dread. My children (8 and 10) are obvs much younger than his and we live very harmoniously. I'm so worried about rocking the boat. His house on the other hand always feels so chaotic, nothing bad just normal teenager stuff, rooms a total disgrace, eating all the food, always shouts of "where's my charger, who's took my straighteners, dad will you tell DS/DB he's done thiiiisss or that, I need money, I need a lift" bathroom always full of clothes on the floor, teenagers in pyjamas all day"

They are all lovely children and he runs a tight ship despite all the above. They are mostly respectful and polite. It is of note though that the 17yr old boy is autistic and that comes with obvs difficulties (mainly personal hygiene, excessive eating, mess, in the house 24/7 as no friends to socialise with, constant requests to play/draw/watch TV with him) he's a kind gentle soul though.

The thought of x4 more washing, constant noise, food not being there as expected, all that mess, no alone time. (I work from home so when my DC are at school I thrive off the silence).

We had a deep chat last night about it all which ended with me in tears as I find the prospect overwhelming. We've just walked my dog and he said "Dawn that's the second time you've got upset at the prospect of us living together, and your only reason is you don't want to live with my children, if this is the case then it really is a non starter and I can't see a future".

The thought of loosing him breaks my heart.

It's shit, I know we can set ground rules etc but the risk and loss if it doesn't work out is huge.

I don't know what I'm asking really, feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

So you spend very little time together?

Nice! A booty call then

I know this is boring as I always say it to women who appear to be in poor relationships after leaving an abusive one but have you done the Freedom Programme?

Because you're not coming across as a woman who has good boundaries. The fact that you're even considering if you're being unreasonable is really worrying.

@dontputitthere I understand what your saying re the end goal. But I can't honestly judge him for that. It's the end goal for most relationships isn't it? Fall in love and live happily ever after. So probably not right at the beginning but probably 6 months in it was mentioned. Being so early on I was very very much "one day" but now a year down the libe it's all getting abit real. I do feel like I've led him up the garden path a little by being agreeable it's only with him now wanting to start the ball rolling the realisation has hit x

I know you must be relieved to have divorced your narcissistic ex, but I'm afraid it seems like you've saddled yourself with another dud.

Let him know all away and then do some serious work on yourself before getting into another relationship.

No currently he pays me nothing... we haven't talked about what he would pay if it every was to happen. Which it isn't now at all

It's really been so enlightening

So after your children are in bed?

Hes pushing you to move in without discussing finances, and without knowing your children very well.

And he does all that with his children but declares that it doesn’t feel like home to him?

That doesn’t actually make him sound any better tbh.

@torndawn As a fellow introvert, living just a mile away is a live-in partner! It sounds like you have the ideal setup to me :)

You're completely entitled to change your mind - don't feel guilty about that. This is your life you're talking about.

That romantic progression is fine when there are no kids involved. But when there are 5 young people whose lives will be turned upside down, things aren't so simple.

What do his children think about the idea incidentally?

You haven’t led him down the garden path. ‘One day’ isn’t in a year.

It means one day. And you aren’t ready

I don’t think you should move him in at all. There’s a quite a few red flags. But you haven’t led him anyway by saying ‘yes one day’ and not agreeing to right now.

You need to prioritise your children. They will not be happy with this. If he can't understand that then let him go.

You absolutely haven't led him up the garden path. As you say, the end goal might be to live together however you also need to put your kids first. Not him and his whining tantrums over not getting things to his timescale.

You need to seriously think about things like what happens if you do marry. If you were then to die first, your kids could get disinherited.

This isnt a shiny relationship where its just about you and him. It's about the best interests of all parties.

Leaving a 16 year old even after they are settled in the evening, 5 days a week is still not cool.

He is talking about how it's not fair to him and his kids but hasn't spent one thought on your kids. Nor has he remotely considered the impact to your working environment or the cost to you. Its all about saving him money.

The striking thing here is just how much this is about him. Even your guilt about 'leading him up the garden path' is driven by the pressure of his timescales.

If he's serious about you, he wouldnt rush. His kids will be off doing their own thing soon enough, but he's saying in effect they aren't doing it quickly enough and it's cramping his love life.

18 months or 5 years. If you are meant to be together why not 5 years. Why must it be NOW?

If he's only coming over at that time, he's not spending a huge amount of time around your kids building a relationship with them either. None of this is really working towards a moving in scenario - he's trying to miss out huge steps in the process.

A good relationship which is going to last is a bout the boring bits. Working out the difficult bits. And considering others.

None of these things are being demonstrated.

So he comes over to sleep with you basically?

OP I don't think he's as nice a guy as you thought.

He's a bit of a rubbish dad at best, a shit dad at worst and doesn't respect your decisions even though they are made with your responsibility to your own kids in mind.

He's not a suitable long term partner for someone with kids.

So he leaves a 19 year old as the sole carer for a 16 year old child overnight? OK, you've had your tea, get yourself off to bed, I'm off home (like he says, your home is his, not where he lives with his children) to get my leg over now. See you in the morning.

They need him to parent them, not fuck off as soon as they've been watered, fed and checked on before bed like a flock of chickens. the prospect of a fox in human form (boyfriends, predatory male, etc) isn't too far a leap either.

And from six months in? Fuck off. He's had his eyes on the prize since he's known you - bringing it up after 26 weeks, what's that, about 50-100 days in your company for a few hours? Did it start shortly after he stayed at yours and saw just how big the house was, together with knowing how much your income is, by any chance?

Nothing you have said gives the slightest hint that he's a loving, caring father making up for lost time with his children from when he was away for extended periods throughout the time when they needed him most. It suggests that as soon as he actually turned up, they wanted him, but he's not actually that keen on it after all and looked for somebody to pick up his considerable slack by providing for him and his kids, caring for him and always being there to take care of his son when he's not interested or around for it.

By the way, if you agree to 'trial periods', that house will be vacated and he won't be going back there. If he owns it, it'll be up for sale or rent within a week and if he rents it, there will be some disaster that means the landlord is taking it back and they're homeless without you by the end of the month if he doesn't try to move in by stealth by the weekend accidentally stretching to Mondays, Tuesdays, needing to do a bit of work on an outhouse or shed, missing you after one night, etc. And he won't be paying their way because 'the business hasn't picked up enough yet' and 'I'm still paying for the house, you know'.

The end goal for most couples is to move in together!

It's just normally used early on in a relationship by love bombers etc.

Sometimes I've mentioned on first dates expectations. And that eventually would be to move in together.

But it's always one day. When everyone is ready. No pressure. My kids are a similar age to yours. They wouldn't have met my new partner for at least six months. So a year of everyone pootling together would be too soon. Have your kids met his? How do they get on?

And you're absolutely right to change your mind. My point is any loving caring long term partner wouldn't make this a dealbreaker if he couldn't bring his entire family to yours asap.

Any parent would understand not wanting to disrupt their young kids. The impact it would have on them.

You've had some amazing advice here. Don't get hung up on 'leading him on' etc. you haven't.

Agree about the trial run being a dangerous idea if he doesn't have an income and his business isn't up and running and well established.

You would be leaving yourself very vulnerable if he moved in with his kids before then.

I don’t think there’s any such thing as a trial run in this scenario. Once he’s there there’s no way he’s moving out again.

(It would be all about the upheaval – after they’ve already just moved once! – you’ll be causing him and his kids if they move back again…. Just give it a bit longer, let’s see if we can make it work… there are bound to be challenges…. You haven’t given it a chance…. It’s our home as well now you know! You’re pushing us from pillar to post on your whims, it’s not fair… it’s like you don’t like us now you’ve lived with us, you just want the idealised version – in which case what’s the point, where’s this actually going? ETC ETC ETC!)

SHUDDER

That’s a red flag in itself. Moving in with someone does involve a level of financial planning, especially when there are children involved. Someone who isn’t intending to take the piss would want you to know they fully want and intend to contribute and provide, they would want to discuss what moving in exactly entails. As it is, this guy hasn’t mentioned pulling his weight at all, he’s just trying to emotionally blackmail you, threatening to dump you if you don’t give in and accusing you of having a problem with his kids.

you have freed yourself from an abusive relationship. Unfortunately, women that have escaped one are oftentimes vulnerable to falling into another. They are a target for users and predators for this reason.

Sorry OP but this is really not the defence that you think it is.

I've been with my partner 6 years.

We still live separately because it's the right answer for our kids (both teens)

His is off to university in a year, then we are going to blend.

6 years OP, because it's right for our kids.

At best he is being totally naïve, this will massively impact all the kids and you are doing the absolute right thing by putting you and yours first.

Especially after the trauma of a shit divorce.

Brilliant summation.

He's 59 and has 3 teenage children. Why the hell isn't he still out working to support them as best he can? He has admitted he needs to cut costs so he obviously can't really afford to retire. And he clearly has plenty of energy to meet with his girlfriend and stay over most nights of the week instead of parenting.

Sorry, but he is not a good man. He sounds like he knows how to say the right things when it suits him but he is putting you under pressure to get his foot in the door to benefit himself financially.

He started pressuring you months ago to move in; the relationship is only 18 months old now. Completely inappropriate and telling.

Sounds like love bombing early on, and then a lot of pressure to move into yours with his teenagers to save himself money and housekeeping.

He's 41?