He wants to move in and blend our families.

[torndawn]

The thought fills me with dread.

Me and my DP have been together 18 months. I adore him and love having him around.

His children all live with him, however they are teenagers (16/17/19) so he'll often spends 2/3 night here and when my 2DC 2 nights of the week are with there dad I stay with him.

My home is able to house us all, and he's been saying for months and months we should all live together. This has recently ramped up with him understandably worrying about the cost of living.

The thought fills me with dread. My children (8 and 10) are obvs much younger than his and we live very harmoniously. I'm so worried about rocking the boat. His house on the other hand always feels so chaotic, nothing bad just normal teenager stuff, rooms a total disgrace, eating all the food, always shouts of "where's my charger, who's took my straighteners, dad will you tell DS/DB he's done thiiiisss or that, I need money, I need a lift" bathroom always full of clothes on the floor, teenagers in pyjamas all day"

They are all lovely children and he runs a tight ship despite all the above. They are mostly respectful and polite. It is of note though that the 17yr old boy is autistic and that comes with obvs difficulties (mainly personal hygiene, excessive eating, mess, in the house 24/7 as no friends to socialise with, constant requests to play/draw/watch TV with him) he's a kind gentle soul though.

The thought of x4 more washing, constant noise, food not being there as expected, all that mess, no alone time. (I work from home so when my DC are at school I thrive off the silence).

We had a deep chat last night about it all which ended with me in tears as I find the prospect overwhelming. We've just walked my dog and he said "Dawn that's the second time you've got upset at the prospect of us living together, and your only reason is you don't want to live with my children, if this is the case then it really is a non starter and I can't see a future".

The thought of loosing him breaks my heart.

It's shit, I know we can set ground rules etc but the risk and loss if it doesn't work out is huge.

I don't know what I'm asking really, feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Sorry, 5 nights a week is very different to just two nights.... and too much even for a 16 yo.

Absolutely.

And on top of it being irresponsible, shoddy parenting, how shit it must feel as a teenager for your dad to make it clear he would rather spend 5 nights every two weeks with his girlfriend than use some of that time to hang out with you and enjoy each other's company.

He's out of the door the first chance he gets and their opportunity for some one on one time / support goes with him.

He just sounds like a shit dad who expects Op to prioritise his kids when he doesn't prioritise them himself.

The same is true if it’s 5 nights EOW.

It doesn’t sound like he’s thinking about his kids at all really. Yet (as is often the case) using the ‘you don’t want my kids’ line as a stick to beat his partner with.

It’s a shit show

and that is not going to change because he and his kids will move in no matter what the op says on this thread. This is an op who starts a thread re whether she’s being unreasonable to not have 4 adults move in to her childrens home who they hardly know - rather than just laughing and completely dismissing when he raises (and then dumping him). This is an op who has a man staying over for most of the week, knowing he’s leaving his own kids alone, a 16 year old might not need a parent around but sure is nice.

It is a shit show
and will become even more of a shit show

ill bow out

I assumed the 16 year old also went to his mums, if he is leaving them alone then that isn't being a great dad.

If he is ex navy then it's likely he is used to staying away from home. Even more of a reason why he is seeking a base.

Why don't the children live with their mum?

For those posters who think 18months is fine to move in with a partner when you have children...it's way too soon and time will show it's not a good decision.

Fair enough, if he finished his time in the armed forces and is drawing his pension, then I doubt he’s on the breadline. But even if he wants to blend families for the most genuine reasons, there are just too many people involved, it would feel like an invasion to me and the resulting chaos would be like living in a zoo. But in a few years time it could all be quite different

but in reality it makes me want to run and hide

That's a very strong reaction. Listen to it.

Nope it's just the 17 year old who goes to the mum's. The 19 year old and the 16 year old are 'self-sufficient' apparently.

Maybe I just have really needy teens

I don’t think this is a fair summary.

The OP has been through some pretty horrible stuff. She’s pulled herself out of a terrible relationship and built a life and a home for herself and her children. She runs a business and is financially self sufficient - to the point that she’s a very desirable prospect as a partner.

She’s met someone who seems nice, and fallen in love with him. He’s being pretty manipulative but in the kind of way that IS hard to see from the inside. Women who’ve been in abusive relationships, in particular, may find it especially hard to recognise the red flags. Their expectations as calibrated to Grade A abusive bastard, so it’s often harder to identify a grade B or C one. Especially when they’re love bombing you.

It’s even harder when the manipulation tactics revolve around the ‘you don’t want my kids’ stuff. It activates all your fears of being an evil SM and bad person. And, let’s face it, no one really wants to live with a fairly new partner’s 3 teenage/young adult kids. I doubt those young people want a blended family home life either. Nonetheless once the ‘you don’t want my kids’ and accusations of a double standard because you prioritise your own children come out, it’s hard to see the facts from
the deeply ingrained and highly misogynistic shit that surrounds so much about being a stepmother.

You’re also going to believe a parent when they’re describing their much older than you have much experience of kids as ‘self sufficient’. You’re trusting his judgement and assuming that his attitudes and expectations around parenting are the same as yours. That is actually a big issue for many women going into any kind of family situation. They assume that their partner views ‘family’ in much the same way they do. But slowly realise that’s not the case. It can happen when you have a baby with someone. It very often happens in stepfamilies because, from the outside and with a very limited view, it’s easy to assume that your values are aligned. Even where they are very much not. Even more so if your partner has swept all the troubling stuff under the carpet and is presenting a more appealing version of it all to you.

This stuff is hard.

Don't be bullied into anything, could you possibly trial them all staying maybe once a month? See how you feel about it all, s

He wants to live in your house because it's bigger and it will be cheaper for him. Plus, once they're all over at yours, it will gradually become your sole responsibility to do all the laundry, shopping and cooking for seven people, while he Disney parents to his heart's content.

This situation will obviously be to the detriment of your own young children, but he doesn't appear to care about that and in fact will use emotional blackmail and veiled threats of ending the relationship to try and coerce you into letting him get his own way.

In short, you should feel no qualms about telling him to fuck off.

Ha! So true.

Dad farms off the difficult one 5 days a week and is looking for another woman to farm off to for the other two days a week. And then throws a tantrum when new woman says 'hang on a second'.

I'm guessing the other 2 'self sufficient ones cook and do their washing right? Cos the OP sure sounded like she was concerned she'd have to do that. So either Dad doesn't help out at home with his own kids or isn't used to it because his own are self sufficient.

I'd be curious to know if he was cooking for the OP and her kids when he's around her house, and whether he does anything else towards to running of the house whilst there, given the OPs concerns over doing all the housework.

I have to say, this alone is reason to be concerned. Its not a fucking fairytale where everyone lives together happily ever after which Dad is seemingly trying to make out.

I don’t think the you can say this man farms his child out when the child stays with his own mother, which is what I thought was happening.

or am I incorrect? Is it the boyfriends mother that has the 17 year old?

Only the 17yo goes

If he’s ex navy and used to being away a lot you’d think he’d be relishing the chance to spend as much time as possible with his kids.

Plus if only one of the three visit their mother then there’s obviously a reason there so you’d think building a solid base for his children would be his priority…

The 19 year old and the 16 year old are 'self-sufficient' apparently. Maybe I just have really needy teens

Nah, you just give a shit about yours, rather than not having been around much throughout their childhood and now telling yourself that it's OK to treat them like unsupervised Naval ratings instead of being a parent.

I wonder if the OP's home happens to have large enough grounds for a workshop for him to have a free business setup? Of course, the 'business' might not take off once his feet are under the table but it would be very useful to not to have to pay for the electricity, premises rental, food, washing or internet whilst keeping any money earned or dipping into the reserves. And it would mean that the son is in the house under the care of the new girlfriend whilst he 'works'.

If this musical houses has been going on for 18 months then his youngest was 15/16 when they were started being left to fend for themselves….not great parenting.

All this “love me and house/feed/launder/tidy up after my kids” will be wearing once the lovey-doveyness of his moving in has worn off and the grim reality of cuckoos in the nest sinks in.

Just worth remembering that the poor chap may be perfectly decent and have no lazy motive for blending families, I think some posters are doing a bit of character assassination. But the answer should still be no, I can’t imagine anyone wanting to live with three of someone else’s teenagers!

I would agree. If op hadn’t have pointed out he has ramped up on pushing this idea due to the cost of living AND then threatened to dump Op, if it’s not done and not on his timeline.

If he was perfectly decent he wouldn’t have been pushing the idea on the OP for months and months…

I just can't see how a loving partner would threaten splitting up if they didn't immediately acquiesce to their demands

Plus the op says it was mentioned right from the start. It's been his end goal

What kind of caring dad leaves their kids alone for five days on the trot? 16 is still someone who needs care. Jesus.

Do you think that his attitude towards caring for his own children is decent though? Him leaving them alone so much to go to OP's because he'd literally rather spend time with them than her isn't how a good parent acts.

For a night or so maybe but five nights in a row every two weeks when that's a great opportunity for him to have quality time with them as their brother who has additional needs is away...?

So 10 out of every 30 days and the only days the other kids (one of whom is only 16), he spends elsewhere because he says they are self sufficient? It's so unattractive when someone is that rubbish a parent.

Sure, a 16 can cope without a parent for five days. But a decent parent would want to spend time with them especially when he's missed out on lots in previous years and it isn't possible to prioritise them usually due to the needs of his son.

His children aren't his priority. Spending time with OP is. Bleurgh.

Only a selfish shit parent would leave children in school at home alone for days on end.

He's been doing this at least a year, leaving a 15-18 year old?

Utter shit neglect.

OP, how can you possibly be ok with someone so completely neglectful of his children?

So for 5 days as he's playing happy families at yours, his kids come home to an empty, cold house with no dinner cooked for them?

A neglectful shit show.

Just so you're clear, I am not being provocative, I am telling you the truth, if those kids were known to me I would be contacting the authorities and reporting them as home alone.

I will say this kindly to you,......by being a knowing party to this, you are absolutely complicit in this neglect.

Would you leave two children at home for 5 days every other week to go to a boyfriends?

This is how the dregs of parents behave.

He's a shit father.

How do you NOT know that leaving children for days on their own is NOT normal and NOT right is frankly weird.

This set up screams Jeremy Kyle territory.

Do you really think a man so neglectful of his own children, is a good idea to be around your children?

Also just to act on his defence here for leaving his children. We live less than a mile away from eachother. He always eats with them; does the washing etc, footy practice 3 nights a week and takes them to school each morning. When he does come over it's when they are settled around 9.30-10.

You haven't talked about £! Whether he pays you anything