He wants to move in and blend our families.

[torndawn]

The thought fills me with dread.

Me and my DP have been together 18 months. I adore him and love having him around.

His children all live with him, however they are teenagers (16/17/19) so he'll often spends 2/3 night here and when my 2DC 2 nights of the week are with there dad I stay with him.

My home is able to house us all, and he's been saying for months and months we should all live together. This has recently ramped up with him understandably worrying about the cost of living.

The thought fills me with dread. My children (8 and 10) are obvs much younger than his and we live very harmoniously. I'm so worried about rocking the boat. His house on the other hand always feels so chaotic, nothing bad just normal teenager stuff, rooms a total disgrace, eating all the food, always shouts of "where's my charger, who's took my straighteners, dad will you tell DS/DB he's done thiiiisss or that, I need money, I need a lift" bathroom always full of clothes on the floor, teenagers in pyjamas all day"

They are all lovely children and he runs a tight ship despite all the above. They are mostly respectful and polite. It is of note though that the 17yr old boy is autistic and that comes with obvs difficulties (mainly personal hygiene, excessive eating, mess, in the house 24/7 as no friends to socialise with, constant requests to play/draw/watch TV with him) he's a kind gentle soul though.

The thought of x4 more washing, constant noise, food not being there as expected, all that mess, no alone time. (I work from home so when my DC are at school I thrive off the silence).

We had a deep chat last night about it all which ended with me in tears as I find the prospect overwhelming. We've just walked my dog and he said "Dawn that's the second time you've got upset at the prospect of us living together, and your only reason is you don't want to live with my children, if this is the case then it really is a non starter and I can't see a future".

The thought of loosing him breaks my heart.

It's shit, I know we can set ground rules etc but the risk and loss if it doesn't work out is huge.

I don't know what I'm asking really, feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

That sounds like you had a nice evening, and hopefully he understands that he pushed you too far. If he's as great as you say he is, he will respect your boundaries on this and not guilt you or try to push it again, and he will understand that your children come first.

18 months is such a short time to get to know someone. If he's serious about your future together, then what's the problem waiting for a few more years until it suits you better? I don't think it necessarily means the end of the relationship, but he really needs to back off or he will just push you away.

Mumsnet is great at character assassinations.

this guy seems like a good one. I can understand why he was upset for sure.

however you are correct - teenagers are hell!!! You’ve a lovely set up at the moment.

just be honest with him. I mean your laundry basket will explode!!!

it’s probably better for his children too that they stay where they are

i hope you manage to find a solution

You haven’t been together very long. Why would he want to uproot his 3 teenage kids? He’s after your 6 bedroom home!

this guy seems like a good one. I can understand why he was upset for sure
Based on what, exactly?

In what way does a guy who has been pushing for “months and months” and ramping that pressure up sound like a good guy?

In fact, in what way does a guy who wants to move his autistic son into a house with young children after little over a year (given he first mooted it months and months ago) and who ditches teenagers at every opportunity sound like a good one?

Do you really think this sounds like a good dad putting his children first at the moment?

he would happily live with my children and does spend the majority of time here when he can. (His DS17 goes to stay with his mum for 5 nights every other week and he basically lives here in that time as the other two are self sufficient)

Do you really think this sounds like a good dad putting his children first at the moment?

The eldest is an adult and the others are almost.

Even stranger, then; that he's pushing for these self sufficient adults to move into op's house.

Indeed.

And?

One is 16 and their dad is leaving them without a parent at home multiple times a week (days in a row) not for the purposes of work necessities / building their independence sometimes / for family emergencies etc, but just to shag his girlfriend at her house where her kids live.

He sounds like a rubbish dad.

@torndawn What's the matter with him that he's unable to work? Doesn't that turn you off a bit? (It would for me.) And it definitely gives weight to your belief that part of his desire to move in is that it'd be a financial bonus for him.

Don’t do it.

What positives for your children are there in you moving 4 unrelated people in?

They will have less space, privacy, peace and quiet.

Their routines and stability will be disrupted.

You will be busier with more house related chores - cleaning, washing, cooking and less able to spend time with your own children. If you are introverted you will be more emotionally drained and thus less available to assess your children’s needs.

your home is also their home - what would they want?

Oh my god, at first I assumed he spent time at yours when his kids were at their mum’s, but he’s actually leaving them alone to be with you?! I appreciate that they’re nearly adults - but still, that’s not on!!!

Except the middle one is autistic and may never live independently

I was guilty of being open to the idea when we first got together

Who raised moving in together when you first got together?

You also said he's been asking/mentioning it for months and months.

And you've only been seeing each other for 18 months.

I feel like he has an agenda, he's had it from the start, and he'd have it with any woman.

Op, this not saying anything about your attractiveness or anything like that; but I think your large house, own business, and you not having to worry about bills is a major part of his attraction/interest in you.

He's been suggesting from very early on you combine housing and household finances, and raising it repeatedly. He's using emotional blackmail and ultimatums now too.

You've come out of what sounds like a bad marriage with a narcissist (abuser?) ... You need to be very very careful.

Jesus! Don't do it! Listen to yourself and us.

Sorry should of been clear. He's just retiring from armed navy forces after time served done. He's been really successful and now home for the past year he's set up as a tradesman. He works most days now trying to build up his name / experience

Ditching his 16yo at every opportunity for the sake of being with his gf makes him a shit dad.

As does expecting his 19yo to parent said16yo when he does that.

Although I think the OP is right to be concerned about the prospects of a blended family, I'm not sure what the issue is in a 19 yo and 16 yo being at home overnight without their father a couple of nights a week. They hardly need babysitting at that age!

5 nights a week? That's too much.

I agree letting him over 5 nights a week is already too much. Your children don't get any time with you alone. I definitely wouldn't let him move in. Looks like you're doing the right thing OP- now just get him to back off a bit so you can spend time with your DC.

I'd suggest waiting until his children have left home, at their age it won't be long to wait.

He wants to move him and his children in with you due to the 'cost of living crisis'?

How romantic.

RUN A MILE! And fast.

I read it as five nights every other week. But agree it’s not right to leave a 16yo for this period and not fair on a 19yo to have that responsibility. Surely at these ages they still need certain parental support - exams, emotions, social pressures etc.

It’s also an ideal time for one or both to have some quality time with their dad, if their brother requires lots of care/attention and is away for this period.