He wants to move in and blend our families.

[torndawn]

The thought fills me with dread.

Me and my DP have been together 18 months. I adore him and love having him around.

His children all live with him, however they are teenagers (16/17/19) so he'll often spends 2/3 night here and when my 2DC 2 nights of the week are with there dad I stay with him.

My home is able to house us all, and he's been saying for months and months we should all live together. This has recently ramped up with him understandably worrying about the cost of living.

The thought fills me with dread. My children (8 and 10) are obvs much younger than his and we live very harmoniously. I'm so worried about rocking the boat. His house on the other hand always feels so chaotic, nothing bad just normal teenager stuff, rooms a total disgrace, eating all the food, always shouts of "where's my charger, who's took my straighteners, dad will you tell DS/DB he's done thiiiisss or that, I need money, I need a lift" bathroom always full of clothes on the floor, teenagers in pyjamas all day"

They are all lovely children and he runs a tight ship despite all the above. They are mostly respectful and polite. It is of note though that the 17yr old boy is autistic and that comes with obvs difficulties (mainly personal hygiene, excessive eating, mess, in the house 24/7 as no friends to socialise with, constant requests to play/draw/watch TV with him) he's a kind gentle soul though.

The thought of x4 more washing, constant noise, food not being there as expected, all that mess, no alone time. (I work from home so when my DC are at school I thrive off the silence).

We had a deep chat last night about it all which ended with me in tears as I find the prospect overwhelming. We've just walked my dog and he said "Dawn that's the second time you've got upset at the prospect of us living together, and your only reason is you don't want to live with my children, if this is the case then it really is a non starter and I can't see a future".

The thought of loosing him breaks my heart.

It's shit, I know we can set ground rules etc but the risk and loss if it doesn't work out is huge.

I don't know what I'm asking really, feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Or another way if looking at it – they’ve had only two conversations about it (and both times the OP has found the prospect upsetting) and after only two conversations he is laying down the gauntlet and threatening to leave if OP doesn’t cave on this.

That’s a pretty rapid escalation isn’t it?

Your children must be your priority. Not him.

Quite apart from your feeling of dread, is bringing three teenagers to live in their home fair or reasonable? It would surely be massively unsettling for them!

So true, @LaughingCat

Please please don’t even consider it. My XDP moved in with me and my teenage daughter against my gut instinct. I so wanted it to work but he couldnt tolerate her ‘teenagerish’ lifestyle. It eventually split us up and I was heartbroken.
if I could turn back the clock I would have stayed living apart and kept the best bits of our relationship separate to my family.
it was a hard lesson to learn.

@Blossomtoes

It hasn't been two conversations...

My home is able to house us all, and he's been saying for months and months we should all live together. This has recently ramped up with him understandably worrying about the cost of living

I really don’t think moving in together is a good idea in any way but he’s being demonised on this thread. If someone (no matter how understandably) didn’t want to live with my kids, it would be a dealbreaker. I suspect it would be for most parents.

You sound like one of those parents whose desperation to live with their partner trumps their children's well-being and stability. There seem to be lots of people like with this attitude unfortunately, and lots of screwed up children as a result.

She didn’t say she didn’t want to live with his kids – he said that, which imo was a pretty manipulative way to guilt trip OP.

Which part of him mentioning it for “months and months” and that escalating sounds like two conversations?

If something is a dealbreaker then you walk away.

Repeatedly badgering someone for months and months and trying to push them into it isn’t an acceptable way for an adult to behave.

I suspect most parents wouldn’t find someone reluctant to blend 5 children, one with additional needs, after 18 months remotely a deal breaker.

@JustLyra

If something is a dealbreaker then you walk away.

Exactly – if it’s genuinely not right for you, you say I’m sorry this is a dealbreaker for me and act accordingly. But you respect what the other person has told you – not try to wear them down with ultimatums until they relent.

Well you'd be wrong there @Tuilpmouse - I've been with my partner for nearly the same amount of time as the OP and we are not moving in together for at least another year. Mainly because we both don't want to. However I think 18 months is enough time before moving in.

If I was 10 years old and my mother moved a man in with three teenagers, or young adults, I would have resented her later in life.

Probably not at 10 because I would have been too young to understand, but as I got older I would have for sure.

Whys is there a large portion of single parents who move new partners into their home with little regard for their own children’s feelings?

18 months is 'enough time' to move in even with five kids involved, who should be priority for the parents?

It's not.

I think there are many very wise parents that absolutely do not rush into blended family situations, foisting strange children on theirs.

Their are many decent parents that know the likelihood of it working is slim and that putting their children first is the right thing to do.

I know of quite a few blended familys over the past 40 years.

My friends that are products of it bear the scars. It was very difficult. They certainly would never do it to their own children.

Several marriages of blended families in my childrens schools didn't last longer than 5 years.

It is very difficult.
The older the children are, the harder it is.

One friend of mine was much younger than her siblings.
They moved out asap, on the dot of 18, went off to University and NEVER forgave their father for the shit show that he brought upon them within 2 years of their beloved mother passing.

He was selfish and his children never forgave him for it.

Going from a house of 3 when two children go to bed at a reasonable hour to 3 teens that go whenever they like is a huge adjustment, even when they are your own.
The noise of 4 extra people is huge.

His house on the other hand always feels so chaotic, nothing bad just normal teenager stuff, rooms a total disgrace, eating all the food, always shouts of "where's my charger, who's took my straighteners, dad will you tell DS/DB he's done thiiiisss or that, I need money, I need a lift" bathroom always full of clothes on the floor, teenagers in pyjamas all day"

Why on earth would you entertain the idea of you all moving in together for longer than one second. I can see why he is keen (not limited to but you are already thinking you will have to do everyone's laundry) but I don't see what you gain.

It seems he thinks that the threat of leaving you if you don't let four more almost adults move in, will be enough to force you to do this against your will.

Actually, just stick with 'I can't do that ... because I don't want to'

I'm lucky enough to not have to worry about the bills too much.

How does he suggest you share the bills if his almost all adult hour moved in to you and your two younger. 50:50. Yeah, right. No wonder he is keen.

Don't do it. It would be a big mistake. Hugh.

If he keeps pressurising you then you can be sure what his priorities are. I might mention this to him once and draw my own conclusions. Much better to not blend than to have to ask them to move out again.

As a general rule, if anyone tried to pressure you into doing something, the best thing to do is to refuse to do it.

Just one point to add that you are not to blame because you went along with the idea at first - you are allowed to change your mind!
i also agree with the poster who said the 110% comment is emotional blackmail - a good deal of his % should be going to his kids. And all this stuff about being torn between your house and his kids - that’s emotional blackmail too. He is a man with responsibilities, his kids should come first and then his love life, no tearing necessary.

Look after yourself and don’t feel bad about that💐

People who really love you don’t threaten to leave you when they aren’t getting their own way. They don’t try to manipulate you.

i’m not surprised that you are a capable, successful woman who runs her own business @torndawn. It isn’t necessarily that he’s been eyeing up your house. But many divorced men do seek out capable, self-sufficient women who have the capacity to house their children (or the equity and earning power to enable them to buy a house after their divorce settlement left them unable to do it themselves). They want to get themselves a new wife and family asap. But this time one where the wife/partner works FT and takes on the family stuff.

All this nonsense about his you’re expecting him to live with your children and it’s a double standard in just manipulative nonsense. He wants to move into your home with your children. He has nearly grown children and, frankly, if he’s buggering off to stay at yours every time the autistic 17 year old goes to his mum’s (5 days a week!) leaving the supposedly ‘self-sufficient’ 16 year old and 19 year old to fend more or less for themselves, he’s not exactly demonstrating his devotion to family life with his kids. Is he?

I wish I’d left my STBXH the first time he threatened to leave because he didn’t like my attitude. I wish I’d recognised that he is one of those figures dads who’s given away pretty much all the assets in divorcing a dependent wife, who saw me with my career and own house and ability to look after kids/do family stuff as his route to rebuilding his status in life. And that he’d use the crap about how he had to live with my kids (so I must put up with anything in relation to his kids - and act as nanny/housekeeper) in all sorts of, frankly abusive, ways. But they hide this stuff well. They seem like lovely guys who adore you. They tell a good story. And it’s pretty easy to keep up the facade when you don’t live together. And in the honeymoon phase where your brain just isn’t picking up on the patterns and clues as it should.

your partner is not necessarily quite like my STBXH, who is a special kind of arsehole (and remains ridiculously manipulative even as we finalise the financial settlement so I can be legally free of him). But the red flags for your partner’s behaviour - which really is much more common than you’d think - are flying all over the place.

The only hope for the relationship is likely if he just accepts that it is far too soon and far too complex right now. That a few years down the line there can be room for a sensible conversation about it. If not, then you actually have your proof that his 110% story was never believable.

NiqueNique's post is excellent... After a truly horrendous partner, one who is also unhealthy for you but in more subtle ways, might seem great. Don't beat yourself up for it, many of us have been there.

But now would be a great time to tell your partner "You're right, we don't have a future together since we don't see eye to eye on a suitable timeframe for such a big change in our lives. I wish you the best" and then spend some time talking with a counselor about how to have more confidence in dealing with this kind of manipulation.

You can do it, OP!

He has nearly grown children and, frankly, if he’s buggering off to stay at yours every time the autistic 17 year old goes to his mum’s (5 days a week!) leaving the supposedly ‘self-sufficient’ 16 year old and 19 year old to fend more or less for themselves, he’s not exactly demonstrating his devotion to family life with his kids. Is he?

This is the worst bit .
Apparently YABU not to be falling over to have his teenage DC living with you when he clearly isnt bothered about them either .
Father of the bloody year, what a CF he is!

This in a nutshell!!

Thank you. I am going to have to spend a bit of time reading through everything tomorrow. He's with me now.

Nothing really happened tonight, came in and gave me a hug and said "it's ok, it is what it is" we've had a glass of wine and played bingo with my daughter and her two friends who are staying over.

Probably Monday before we get some child free time to talk, don't want to do any of this over text

I agree with everyone else op - it's a no from me. I don't see many happy blended families so why would you risk your children a happiness?

How old is he, op, if he was pensioned off early?!

If he's young enough to still work if he chose, why isn't he doing that if he's so concerned about the rising cost of living?

@torndawn

Aren't you massively turned off by someone who is very clearly an irresponsible and frankly rubbish dad?

Leaving his children alone multiple days a week in order to stay at yours?

He's expecting you to prioritise his kids over your comfort and security... when he isn't even willing to do so himself. Despite being their father.