He wants to move in and blend our families.

[torndawn]

The thought fills me with dread.

Me and my DP have been together 18 months. I adore him and love having him around.

His children all live with him, however they are teenagers (16/17/19) so he'll often spends 2/3 night here and when my 2DC 2 nights of the week are with there dad I stay with him.

My home is able to house us all, and he's been saying for months and months we should all live together. This has recently ramped up with him understandably worrying about the cost of living.

The thought fills me with dread. My children (8 and 10) are obvs much younger than his and we live very harmoniously. I'm so worried about rocking the boat. His house on the other hand always feels so chaotic, nothing bad just normal teenager stuff, rooms a total disgrace, eating all the food, always shouts of "where's my charger, who's took my straighteners, dad will you tell DS/DB he's done thiiiisss or that, I need money, I need a lift" bathroom always full of clothes on the floor, teenagers in pyjamas all day"

They are all lovely children and he runs a tight ship despite all the above. They are mostly respectful and polite. It is of note though that the 17yr old boy is autistic and that comes with obvs difficulties (mainly personal hygiene, excessive eating, mess, in the house 24/7 as no friends to socialise with, constant requests to play/draw/watch TV with him) he's a kind gentle soul though.

The thought of x4 more washing, constant noise, food not being there as expected, all that mess, no alone time. (I work from home so when my DC are at school I thrive off the silence).

We had a deep chat last night about it all which ended with me in tears as I find the prospect overwhelming. We've just walked my dog and he said "Dawn that's the second time you've got upset at the prospect of us living together, and your only reason is you don't want to live with my children, if this is the case then it really is a non starter and I can't see a future".

The thought of loosing him breaks my heart.

It's shit, I know we can set ground rules etc but the risk and loss if it doesn't work out is huge.

I don't know what I'm asking really, feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Solidarity!

I think it’s easy to underestimate the pressure someone like that puts you under if you’ve never experienced that type of personality and situation before.

However when someone pushes you to enmesh with them and then dominates your time and emotional resources, getting back out of the situation can be a bit like trying to grab on to the water’s surface so you can pull up and gasp for air while drowning.

A huge part of him (and me too) wanting to live together is that he feels so torn between his life at home and wanting to be here. But that’s all fairy takes isn’t it.

It is.

Its very telling about his character that he’s ignoring your concerns and having no discussion about what’s good for your children or his children. It’s all about his wants.

If he can’t put his own children first then he’s certainly never going to put your children first and combined with his willingness to browbeat you into following his wishes then what kind of life would that give your kids?

Can you see yourself being the sole carer of his son when you're 80?

It really sounds as though he's lining you up as his son's security for the future, as well as his own. It's why it 'doesn't feel like home' when he's looking after the kids by himself, rather than having a mother figure to do it for/with him. It's why, as soon as the lad is at his mother's, he dumps the girls, including one who is absolutely still a child (and the other one made to be a mother whilst he's off being loved up) to come to a house with a mother figure. He's angling for ownership of a big house - oh, but you can't make me leave, my vulnerable son would be homeless, you leave.

He's not just asking you to love them all, he's expecting you to be an unpaid carer for his son so he doesn't have to do it for the rest of your life. He wants a clean, organised, tidy home when he won't do that for himself - after all, you're doing it already, he can get you to do it all for him and his kids as well.

Instead of just looking for a nurse with a purse for himself, he's demanding you do that for his son - or at least to fund it, a nice home, maid services and the ability to secretly say he fell right on his feet when he met you.

Of course he 'loves you'. You have everything he needs and, more specifically, everything he wants.

He’s said today he gives me 110%

Thats not a good thing on two fronts.

if he’s giving you 110% then what is he giving his children?

Its pure emotional blackmail. Giving him and his children space in your home, and a full time space in your children’s home and life is required as proof of your commitment? Emotional blackmail.

I must have missed the post confirming that the OPs partner is in rented. If this is so it has made me very concerned. My friend had a 4 bed house and a shop which she sold to put towards a home with a new partner. Both had children in their early teens who elected to stay with their respective partners. To my friend's horror both the partners children returned to their father within a year and she inherited them from their mother who moved abroad. She had sold the family home and b*ggered off. He never asked her to marry him and she effectly brought them up with no space for her own children to visit regularly (they had agreed each set to come on alternative weeks). They spilt up two years ago and she is still waiting for her equity. The ex partner? Living in the big house with his adult children who have returned from university. He claims it is a family home. She was a wealthy divorcee, he was living in a flat with bin bags for a wardrobe. Your story makes me really upset and angry for you. I earn much more than my dh and he asks for nothing. Love should not have a costs attached.

@torndawn

I had thought this might be the case (a traumatic pervious experience and a divorce from a truly bad man, having to get your children to a place of safety and security). Sometimes after that kind of relationship you think the next man is really lovely when he actually isn’t, just because he’s a different kind of bad to the one you had before.

Please trust us all when we say that the red flags are huge and plentiful when you’re on the outside looking in.

I’ve no doubt at all that if need be you have the strength, resilience and inner core of steel to get through a break-up, as painful as it will be.

I’m also in no doubt whatsoever that you will do what’s right by your children. And you will also value yourself and do what’s right for you!

I personally think you asked here because you know what’s coming and you need the solidarity. I wish you well.

Thank you.

Yes I thought I needed to look into seeing a solicitor if he ever did.

He does own his own house, and actually has on paper a better income than me. (Pensioned early)

Sounds like you know what you’re doing OP, good luck with having the talk.

he’s not a keeper if he doesn’t understand or respect your position and gets stroppy.

Sorry to hear this happened to your friend.

This would probably be the next thing too:

’It doesn’t feel like our place, it feels like your place… let’s make a fresh start in a new place with both our names on…’ etc etc

Thank you, what a lovely post that really resonates ❤️ I will always always put them first.

@torndawn Your children are very lucky to have you care for them so fiercely with head and heart.

I agree, someone like this – ‘nice’, into you, ostensibly caring, present, a bit of a comfort blanket – can seem very appealing and a bit of a relief after getting away from a relationship with someone cold / harsh / aggressive / tumultuous (or any of the other varieties of arseholes and fools out there).

Being an independent, confident person yourself is a red herring – low-key emotional manipulation can be so insidious, and feeling in control of the situation can almost mask what’s happening until you realise what a chokehold that person has on your life. It’s boiling frog syndrome.

OP I’m sure this person has some good qualities and isn’t a total demon, however even well-meaning people can be selfish and manipulative, and make your life hell. He isn’t able / prepared to respect your boundaries so you must guard them fiercely yourself.

So glad you are having second thoughts op.

This guy shouldn't want to blend his kids in with yours after 18 months.

I have an autistic son and I wouldn't allow him to spend significant time around young children. He is lovely but his needs dominate the whole of our family life.

And he shouldn't be trying to make you feel guilty.

Well done for keeping your eyes op and protecting your kids.

Wow! Seriously, if my DP was so reluctant to move in together and obviously had such a problem with my children I would end it! I've always set out that my aim is building a life together. I would feel like him I'm afraid.

And would you use emotional blackmail to get your way?

Has he though?!? He has told her that it is that important to him it is something he thinks of as a deal breaker. That's not emotional manipulation, that's honesty.

You got away from one arsehole, and a bad situation, even more important you do not find yourself in another awful situation.

Your children need you more than ever if their father is toxic.

You cannot consider this.

He gives you 110%????? There is no such thing.

If he gives you 100% he clearly is give nothing to his children......you know .......the kids he leaves several nights a week, alone.

As @JustLyra wisely says, his children are very very far down his priority of lists, so you really don't think he will tolerate you putting yours first?

He is pushing and pushing you because this might be super convenient for HIM.

But there is no way its best for you and your children and your hard one tranquility of your home.

Teens can be exhausting and very very selfish.
They can be utterly self absorbed and you really have to love them to put up with them.

They hold strong views and won't hesitate to share them.

I can guarantee that you do NOT know this man.

You get to see the really character of men when you say No and you lay down boundaries.

As an introvert with 48 hours of them and all their stuff in your home, you would be regretful and drowning, as would your children.

I promise you, you do not really know this man.

Far too much pushy manipulative behaviour going on for him to be the man you thin he is.

He's love bombing because he WANTS something.

Protect yourself, your children, your home.

The constant badgering her with threats to leave and throwing about that he gives her 110%, despite the fact she’s said no, is emotional blackmail.

If he doesn’t like her choice he should walk away. Not repeatedly try and push her into his wishes

I’m sorry OP to speak ill of your partner. But you’ve said a few things he’s said that doesn’t sound that great.
Firstly he’s given you 110%. What does he mean by that? Is it a competition?

Secondly, it’s a deal breaker if you won’t move in together. Well that’s emotional blackmail isn’t it.

You also made a point about his autistic teenage son. You said he may not be able to live independently. So if it came to it, would you want to have an adult depending on you for the rest of your life? He isn’t your son, he’s your partners. That’s a big ask. For someone you’ve known little over a year.

Your children are 8 and 10 I think you said. They need you full time. Not to share with 3 other teenagers, even if one of them does move out in the near future. Would your children cope living with a young adult with autism? Someone who they don’t really know at this time? Is it fair to offload all of this on them?

He's taken early retirement?

Fuck. Run away now. You are definitely the care plan for his old age and his son.

You'd expect someone to move you and your kids into their home, with their kids, after just 18 months and after their kids had already been through their parents' divorce which was traumatic as one of the parents was an arsehole narcissist?

Gosh. You'd be putting your own wants over the needs of all the children involved if so.

he said "Dawn that's the second time you've got upset at the prospect of us living together, and your only reason is you don't want to live with my children, if this is the case then it really is a non starter and I can't see a future".

That sounds quite manipulative to me. It also sounds like he just wants any woman to move in with, not particularly the OP. Any man really into someone would give them a lot longer than 18 months before demanding that they and their 3 children move into their home.

Given that his children (apart from one) are going to be leaving home in the near future, most sensible decent men without pound signs in their eyes would be happy to wait.

Can’t you just concentrate on being a mum OP? No one is saying you must stay single all your life, but your children are young and need you.

I’ve seen so many times from family members who rush into relationships with blended families and it all ends in tears.

Happened to my SIL. Got with someone and moved him in quite quick. He had children ( although they didn’t live with him) . It all ended badly. My sister in laws kids are now quite messed up as a result.

Your kids have been through enough turmoil. They deserve a safe and quiet home that they don’t have to share with anyone. Wait a few years until they are older.

I wouldn’t do this to my kids and I wouldn’t expect my DW to either.

They’ve had two conversations, it’s hardly “constant badgering”.

My home is able to house us all, and he's been saying for months and months we should all live together. This has recently ramped up with him understandably worrying about the cost of living
This doesn't sound like constant badgering to you?