He wants to move in and blend our families.

[torndawn]

The thought fills me with dread.

Me and my DP have been together 18 months. I adore him and love having him around.

His children all live with him, however they are teenagers (16/17/19) so he'll often spends 2/3 night here and when my 2DC 2 nights of the week are with there dad I stay with him.

My home is able to house us all, and he's been saying for months and months we should all live together. This has recently ramped up with him understandably worrying about the cost of living.

The thought fills me with dread. My children (8 and 10) are obvs much younger than his and we live very harmoniously. I'm so worried about rocking the boat. His house on the other hand always feels so chaotic, nothing bad just normal teenager stuff, rooms a total disgrace, eating all the food, always shouts of "where's my charger, who's took my straighteners, dad will you tell DS/DB he's done thiiiisss or that, I need money, I need a lift" bathroom always full of clothes on the floor, teenagers in pyjamas all day"

They are all lovely children and he runs a tight ship despite all the above. They are mostly respectful and polite. It is of note though that the 17yr old boy is autistic and that comes with obvs difficulties (mainly personal hygiene, excessive eating, mess, in the house 24/7 as no friends to socialise with, constant requests to play/draw/watch TV with him) he's a kind gentle soul though.

The thought of x4 more washing, constant noise, food not being there as expected, all that mess, no alone time. (I work from home so when my DC are at school I thrive off the silence).

We had a deep chat last night about it all which ended with me in tears as I find the prospect overwhelming. We've just walked my dog and he said "Dawn that's the second time you've got upset at the prospect of us living together, and your only reason is you don't want to live with my children, if this is the case then it really is a non starter and I can't see a future".

The thought of loosing him breaks my heart.

It's shit, I know we can set ground rules etc but the risk and loss if it doesn't work out is huge.

I don't know what I'm asking really, feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

@ein I thought that a few times, his eldest is moving out next month and starting work down south. However I didn’t leave home until I was 26, and who knows when or even if his autistic son will ever be able to live independently.

He’s said today he gives me 110% and I can’t argue, and I’m only a few years I’ll have two teenagers that he’ll be expected to live with. Fair enough. But that’s different to me as they are mine and we know how through time served how to live with eachother.

@Hi246 yes I think he feels offended and that I’m not willing to accept them and is taking that personally.

@niquenique no idea what your talking about here? What have my children said that they wanted me to hear? I’ve not mentioned anything to them yet. I am 100% worried that it’s a dealbreaker. I’ve not hidden the fact I love this person very much.

How peculiar. Why can't you sort out your own housing situation instead of trying to bulldoze your way into someone else's?

He doesn't sound the most attentive parent. More like he's escaping his own kids to live a fantasy with you, just when they need focused attention to get them out into the world. Now he wants to offload the work of parenting his teens onto you, in your home, whilst he enjoys the fantasy.

In any case, being an introvert makes it impossible. You'd be horribly unhappy, which would unravel everything for your own children.

I am shuddering too TwoWays just reading this!

Ultimately it's all about YOUR happiness, not his. Are you going to be more happy with this new blended situation or are you not? If answer is yes, do it, if no, don't do it. I believe after a certain age we should be all about pleasing ourselves and not pleasing the man.It sounds you're being pressured into this to "please the man". Enough of that shyte.

He’s said today he gives me 110% and I can’t argue
110% of what, exactly?

More guilt-tripping and creating a sense of indebtedness!

He’s fucking manipulative.

@torndawn sorry that bit was in reply to someone who suggested you ask your children what they thought about and I had said that’s really not a good idea. That comment was following on from that.

Please don’t do that! (Not that I think you would).

Don’t let them in.

You have a big house which seems to yours? Maybe you are a widow and maybe still quite younger than your partner? Your family are three (young children) and vulnerable, his are four nearly adults, an imbalance. They will take up much more room and your time. They will spread their things all the place, as it will be their home as well. If their father can’t control their mess in his home now. He/ they will not change.

Later if you let him in, forward a couple of years, DP will want you to have his name on the share of the house. Thinking, if you really loved him, prove it because he has paid some costs towards the house and done some diy.

At the moment they live in rented accommodation which will not be kept going if they move in, so if things get bad, how will you get them to leave because you will be seem as making them be homeless.

@torndawn You are perfectly entitled to change your mind on the moving in front and he is perfectly entitled to end the relationship if he cannot accept that. You enter a relationship out of free will…

I just ended a relationship with a guy whom I adored from day 1. We were together for two years. In the beginning, he could not contemplate moving in with me (I have two - now 12 and 14, he has none). And I wanted to spend all my time with him so was hard juggling it all. But when he finally came round to the idea of moving in, I went so cold on the idea.

I know the reality of living with two boys - who are simultaneously loving and challenging - with a man who is not used to children, let alone teens, will be nothing short of a disaster. I will end up walking on eggshells around everyone. I will end up resenting him and he will end up resenting me. All the love in the world is not enough to combat the realities of living in a household with teens. I’m not sure I would want to live with my boys if they are not mine and I am only half joking…

A friend of mine just moved in with her boyfriend with teens after a two year long distance relationship. They were so in love, they promised each other the world… she literally gave up everything to be with him…

Surprise, surprise… Two months in and he is telling her ‘you are all in my face all the time!’ Picking on her children (but luckily, only complaining to her… 🙄) for daring to close drawers with their feet, leaving appliances on, leaving fingerprints on the fridge door and this is a man who have two kids too! She is now stuck in a foreign country with not a very nice man and it will be a huge step back for her to go back to her home country. If that wasn’t a rude awakening for her, it certainly was for me…

Everyone here has given you such good advice. I am still really sad, I loved this guy but I knew I just could not live with him or make my children do that. But I deserve better and my children deserve to have me fully for a bit longer! Take care. 💐

No OP just no, you’ll end up skivying for his kids and doing all the housework. Main thing is it will blight your children’s lives it’s so not fair on them to being 3 much older teena into their world ...a no brainer don’t do it. Maybe I’ve missed it but why do his children not live with their mum?

Ohhhh…I feel like I can write the script on this one. I very much hope I’m wrong on this but here goes:

He makes you feel like his world, like you are the centre of his universe.

Him: ‘We are wonderful together so why wouldn’t you want to live together? And financially, it makes sense too, so why are you balking? You must not want to live with my children. You must not want to be with me. I’ll withdraw as this is not what I thought it was and that makes me so sad.’

The pressure he puts on you is immense to come round to his point of view and do what he wants and he takes it as a rejection if you don’t. That makes you feel guilty as he sounds so reasonable. He just wants you both to be together. What’s so weird about that? Maybe you should do the thing he wants.

The fact he stays over whenever his eldest is at their mum’s. And you spend every night together that you both can. How quickly did this escalate?

Do you know what happens when you keep caving and there is nowhere further to escalate to? (Married and living together, both wfh and in each other’s pockets 24/7?).

You will start to try and assert your own small but reasonable boundaries for yourself and your kids and he will take each one as a personal rejection. Reasoning with you, then withdrawing, becoming cold and distant when he doesn’t get his way. Breaking off the relationship so you can run after him to ‘convince’ him that you were wrong, to try and get back to the warm and loving person you first met.

*

So, seriously, obviously my own shit I’m spilling here buuuut…I saw a few red flags in what you’ve said in your posts. An intense and loved up first part but constant growing pressure to move closer and closer together (lack of boundaries), hurt and surprise at perceived rejection when you try to assert your boundaries followed by implied threats to end what you have.

Find your own strength and stick to your boundaries. You are being reasonable.

Actually own my own house and have a very good job 😂

A huge part of him (and me too) wanting to live together is that he feels so torn between his life at home and wanting to be here.

Doesn't this sound weird though?

In a lot of ways he has the best of both worlds, he stays with you almost half the month and then the rest of the time with his kids.

Surely this is better than trying to blend two families in such difficult circumstances. He's not putting any of the children first, at all.

That’s what I thought! He has the absolute cheek to mention higher costs of living… when OP’s cost of living would soar through the roof if she invited 4 more people into her house.

Also @pinkyredrose Why do the kids live with him and not their mum? not everyone has a good mum (or a mum at all).

I think the rush is is that we are very much in love, probably still that infatuation stage, but we hate being away from eachother.

You may think you love him. I'm not so sure how reciprocated that is if he is threatening to end the relationship if you don't go along with his suggestion. Eighteen months isn't long, for exactly how long has he been trying to pressure you?

Like every single response on here, mine would be NO.

He see's it as you rejecting his 3 teenagers. You see it as protecting yourself and your 2 children. His perceived slight doesn't trump your need to provide a stable environment for your DC. In an ideal world, yes you would all live together happily ever after but the reality isn't like that. Don't feel guilty for going along with the idea in the heady months of first love. Crikey, if everyone was held to ransom (and that's how it comes across) about the ridiculous claims/statements we made in throws of passion - where would we be!!
No amount of playing at blended families at the w/e will prepare you for 24/7 life with 5 kids. You'll have wish you'd never been born (ok, an exaggeration based on my own thoughts) . It's such a giant leap.
If he really loves you and respects you, he will understand. If not, then you've dodged a massive bullet.

@Reigateforever

Later if you let him in, forward a couple of years, DP will want you to have his name on the share of the house. Thinking, if you really loved him, prove it because he has paid some costs towards the house and done some diy.

Yes, this too – the old home improvements trick is a classic. And truly, where would they go if you decided it wasn’t what you wanted or wished to end the relationship? It could take months and years to get him/them out – very difficult to then maintain resolve if one person does not want to end things. Be prepared to be worn down.

Not to mention that you will essentially be homing four adults! What if they want to hang around into their twenties or move back once they’re job hunting / saving for a deposit?

Oops this bit :

Later if you let him in, forward a couple of years, DP will want you to have his name on the share of the house. Thinking, if you really loved him, prove it because he has paid some costs towards the house and done some diy.

was quoting @Reigateforever and was meant to be in italics!

please can you ignore that I wrote a presumption of being a widow as you are a business woman. I am very sorry.

OP, even if you could countenance inflicting the chaos of a 7 person house on yourself, how on Earth are you considering inflicting it on your children? What are you thinking??

18 months in is still a short amount of time, no matter how intense the relationship. Right now you’re still only seeing what he wants you to see, and tbh if you look at what he’s showing through the eyes of someone who isn’t in love with him, it doesn’t appear to be that great. You may be a smart woman, but smart women can still be manipulated when it comes to love. You can still be vulnerable and a target for men who will sweep you off your feet because of what they stand to gain from it.

someone who loves you isn’t going to try and emotionally blackmail you into letting him move in. Someone who loves and respects his kids isn’t going to force that on them either, or yours. Someone who loves and respects you is going to move at a pace that works for everyone, not just himself.

He’s threatening to dump you because he’s not getting what he wants, even though he’s supposedly madly in love. You know yourself OP that isn’t right.

You need to take off your ‘love’ head. Stop thinking with your emotions and think practically and your children.

Already by your last post it seems like he’s wearing you down and you’re going to change your mind.

If he ‘loved’ you he would respect your feelings and leave it.

I actually understand where your partner is coming from as I feel the same although I do realise it would be probably be a nightmare and that’s y we have held off. I don’t think he is eyeing up your house or anything like that 😂 think some of these comments are ridiculous. Nothing wrong in him wanting more and plenty of people make it work but if it’s not what u want can’t u come to some kind of compromise like waiting another couple of years to see how things are then x

@billy1966 don’t be a provocative. There is no need to feel sorry for my children. I have not created any mess I am here-and listening and taking on everyone’s advise because I give a shit. If I hadn’t name changed you would realise the depths I’ve gone too for their safety and security from there very indecent father.

And because of the above I’m totally fine if this is a dealbreaker because I’ve already been to hell and back and a bloody warrior because of it. He is my only relationship since a very traumatic divorce, he’s the polar opposite of the my narcissistic prick of a DH.

I won’t be allowing this and as soon as I get chance I’ll explain all my reasons thank you to you lovely lot for helping me articulate them, I will. If he decides it’s a dealbreaker that’s fine. I’ve been through a lot worse than a broken heart.