He wants to move in and blend our families.

[torndawn]

The thought fills me with dread.

Me and my DP have been together 18 months. I adore him and love having him around.

His children all live with him, however they are teenagers (16/17/19) so he'll often spends 2/3 night here and when my 2DC 2 nights of the week are with there dad I stay with him.

My home is able to house us all, and he's been saying for months and months we should all live together. This has recently ramped up with him understandably worrying about the cost of living.

The thought fills me with dread. My children (8 and 10) are obvs much younger than his and we live very harmoniously. I'm so worried about rocking the boat. His house on the other hand always feels so chaotic, nothing bad just normal teenager stuff, rooms a total disgrace, eating all the food, always shouts of "where's my charger, who's took my straighteners, dad will you tell DS/DB he's done thiiiisss or that, I need money, I need a lift" bathroom always full of clothes on the floor, teenagers in pyjamas all day"

They are all lovely children and he runs a tight ship despite all the above. They are mostly respectful and polite. It is of note though that the 17yr old boy is autistic and that comes with obvs difficulties (mainly personal hygiene, excessive eating, mess, in the house 24/7 as no friends to socialise with, constant requests to play/draw/watch TV with him) he's a kind gentle soul though.

The thought of x4 more washing, constant noise, food not being there as expected, all that mess, no alone time. (I work from home so when my DC are at school I thrive off the silence).

We had a deep chat last night about it all which ended with me in tears as I find the prospect overwhelming. We've just walked my dog and he said "Dawn that's the second time you've got upset at the prospect of us living together, and your only reason is you don't want to live with my children, if this is the case then it really is a non starter and I can't see a future".

The thought of loosing him breaks my heart.

It's shit, I know we can set ground rules etc but the risk and loss if it doesn't work out is huge.

I don't know what I'm asking really, feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

This!

Red flags awaving here, to be honest.

Way, way too soon, and you say he’s been talking about it for ages!

Absolutely do NOT just let him and three teenagers move in and destroy your happy home. You know, and I know (and probably he knows), that you’d end up with way more housework and rows than you have now and he’ll just shrug and say “we’re all adjusting, it’s difficult for everyone.”

It would be VERY hard for your children, and even if you didn’t have children, I’d still say this relationship is way too new to be moving his children in. What if you want to end the relationship? He’d be all “you can’t make three children homeless” 🙄

His comment “this is a nonstarter” was hopefully just said in the heat of the moment and he didn’t mean it. If he did mean it, then that is a horrible, stupid, and emotionally blackmaily thing to say. Good men don’t say “do what I tell m you or I’ll leave you.”

His youngest child is age 16. In two years they’ll hopefully be moving out to their own place, and their older siblings will already have done so? Why can’t he move in with you after his children have left home? Waiting four years to move in is nothing, me and DH didn’t live together for our first 8 years together. This is about him seeing a financial and emotional solution to all his problems. He may be feeling it subconsciously not deliberately but this is about him saving money, getting someone else to do most of the parenting of his three tricky kids, and getting a housework slave who also provides sex. No wonder he’s so keen!

Nope. Not til the teens have left home. If he won’t wait then he doesn’t love you enough.

Even if his motives are white as the driven snow, you have misgivings which you shouldn't ignore. You have the rest of your lives to be together, when your children are older and independent.

Tell him you don't want to spoil a great thing by rushing into such a massive decision when you're not yet ready.

if he keeps going on, you've got your answer, he doesn't see your opinion as being important and thinks if he keep mithering on, you'll eventually buckle.

Don't, please.don't

No, no, no
It fills you with dread so it's a no. End of.
It is far too early in the relationship to be blending families like that. It's only 18 months. If you were a couple without children then I wouldn't particularly see an issue with moving in after 18 months - because it's easier to undo if it doesn't work.
But with all those children involved and yours still being so young, it's too early.

It would be better to wait a few years to see how things progress.

I'd also feel uneasy about the way he's eyed up your house - there's enough room for all of them to move in. He's thinking of the financial savings he is going to make rather than thinking about how the situation would benefit you.
I wouldn't go so far as to say he's a cocklodger and I'm normally the first person screaming cocklodger/hobosexual on these threads. But it's too early to tell.

So just tell him no, it's too soon. And if he does not accept that and does a flit then you'll know for sure what he's like

I wouldn’t show him this thread. Because I don’t believe he would react well to seeing his manipulative behaviour mirrored back at him.

Do not allow this man to railroad you into allowing him and his enormous rabble to move in.

You’ll wind up doing all the grunt work for all of them and your young children’s lives will be irreparably damaged.

PLEASE PLEASE listen to the very best advice given by jkdkdkddkek this is IT in a nutshell. You will forever be treating on eggshells in case he utters the words “can’t see a future”. Once he has offloaded the care and administration of his children he will heave a big sigh of relief as he passes them over to your care. Your own little children need your undivided love care and attention and you won’t be able to do that with four extra adults depending on you.

He is no loss to you at all he just wants a “wife” back to carry the responsibility. Please don’t do this.

So what if you don't want to live with his kids? Frankly, who would? Only the very accommodating, self-effacing ideal woman of his fantasies. Imagine this the other way around and the man was saying he needed some space - would you be shaming him and threatening to end the relationship?

No, I thought not.

You'd be mad to do this. In fact - even though you say you are both madly in love - you'd be mad to stay in the relationship. He's showing you a nasty, manipulative side of his personality that won't get any better.

Whatever you do don't marry him. Or have a baby with him.

Is was a thought when I started it, just so I could make him understand my point without him seeing it as a personal attack but it's gone abit too far

This, a thousand times over. How has he made sure he's pulling his weight, OP? Does he cook, wash up? Or does he just put his feet up and enjoy everything that's flowing his way?

I'll make this easy for you, OP - don't do it! At all, ever.

He’s honestly a twat if he’s seriously giving you grief about this. You don’t seem to understand that. No decent man would be pressing you to do this.

@fucap he didn’t eye up my house before he fell in love with me 😂

Re financial implications, it’s been more think of the money we’ll save, he’s not using it as a deciding factor.

I do feel slightly to blame that I went along with the fairy tale at first, but in reality it makes me want to run and hide.

I’m not a pushover at all, what I say generally goes, I’m a very successful woman who runs her own business etc, I wouldn’t call myself agreeable at all.

I honestly half expected you guys to say well if you can’t accept them you shouldn’t be dating him. After all moving in is the natural progression when you’ve met someone your so happy with, if it was just him I think it would of happened within 6 months. We really are great together, I adore him, we talk, laugh, cry and really do work well together. A huge part of him (and me too) wanting to live together is that he feels so torn between his life at home and wanting to be here. But that’s all fairy takes isn’t it. The reality of 3 teenagers, me being an introvert, and trying to be the best parent to them is different, it’s not all lovey dovey. It’ll be hell.

My home is able to house us all, and he's been saying for months and months we should all live together. This has recently ramped up with him understandably worrying about the cost of living

Hard no.

Him wanting to save money is a TERRIBLE reason for you to move in together, especially after only 18 months. If it was just the 2 of you, maybe, because easier to extract yourself if it goes pearshaped. But with children involved? Hard no.

Why do the kids live with him and not their mum? What's his housing situation?

It really is not (or shouldn’t be) the natural progression when there are five children involved of such disparate ages, one of whom is autistic, and a man whose home life is clearly completely different to what your children are used to. Plus all the factors that you’ve mentioned - you WFH, you’re an introvert, 3 teenagers/soon-to-be-adults etc etc. You’re exactly right, it’s not a fairy tale and it would be hell.

A huge part of him (and me too) wanting to live together is that he feels so torn between his life at home and wanting to be here. But that’s all fairy takes isn’t it.

Yes, it is fairy tales.

You’re both parents with responsibilities to your own children.

You can’t just hole up and be teenagers in love. You both need to be grown-ups for the sake of your children.

You say he wasn’t eyeing your house when he fell in love with you, yet he’s been keen to move into it from very early on in the relationship. And it’s so important for him to do so that, no matter how in love with you he is, he’s willing to break up over it.

it really isn’t normal, OP.

also yes, it would be hell.

It would be an absolute NO from me. The idea of quietly working from home with an 8 yo and 10 yo to adding in him, his three teens - including one who is autistic - and the ensuing chaos? Just no.

Because you will - as the woman in the relationship, and the one who owns the house - be landed with the burden of the extra cleaning, cooking, laundry, etc. You know you will. He is suggesting it (quite forcefully) because he recognizes that life will be much easier and cheaper for HIM - not that it will be better for you and certainly not better for your children.

It's a total disaster of an idea.

he didn’t eye up my house before he fell in love with me 😂
He didn't waste any time angling to move his entire family in, either.

Going on about it for "months and months" when you've only been together for 18!
How can you be so blind?

This is what putting your children and their wellbeing first looks like.

Of course it’s hard to not be able to live with someone you’re madly in love with. Of course it’d be wonderful if you could just move in together.

It’s a sacrifice but it has to be made because it’s the right thing to do for your children.

Yes, this too!!!

God, no. Think how chaotic your own childrens home will be if you all live together. Many, many relationships survive not living together.

Don’t do it!