He wants to move in and blend our families.

[torndawn]

The thought fills me with dread.

Me and my DP have been together 18 months. I adore him and love having him around.

His children all live with him, however they are teenagers (16/17/19) so he'll often spends 2/3 night here and when my 2DC 2 nights of the week are with there dad I stay with him.

My home is able to house us all, and he's been saying for months and months we should all live together. This has recently ramped up with him understandably worrying about the cost of living.

The thought fills me with dread. My children (8 and 10) are obvs much younger than his and we live very harmoniously. I'm so worried about rocking the boat. His house on the other hand always feels so chaotic, nothing bad just normal teenager stuff, rooms a total disgrace, eating all the food, always shouts of "where's my charger, who's took my straighteners, dad will you tell DS/DB he's done thiiiisss or that, I need money, I need a lift" bathroom always full of clothes on the floor, teenagers in pyjamas all day"

They are all lovely children and he runs a tight ship despite all the above. They are mostly respectful and polite. It is of note though that the 17yr old boy is autistic and that comes with obvs difficulties (mainly personal hygiene, excessive eating, mess, in the house 24/7 as no friends to socialise with, constant requests to play/draw/watch TV with him) he's a kind gentle soul though.

The thought of x4 more washing, constant noise, food not being there as expected, all that mess, no alone time. (I work from home so when my DC are at school I thrive off the silence).

We had a deep chat last night about it all which ended with me in tears as I find the prospect overwhelming. We've just walked my dog and he said "Dawn that's the second time you've got upset at the prospect of us living together, and your only reason is you don't want to live with my children, if this is the case then it really is a non starter and I can't see a future".

The thought of loosing him breaks my heart.

It's shit, I know we can set ground rules etc but the risk and loss if it doesn't work out is huge.

I don't know what I'm asking really, feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Please come back, OP.

This thread is overwhelming backing you!

Gosh no.
My BF had this and the DCs didn't get on and the partner tried to claim part of the property when she stated it wasn't working . What was his intention for his property?
Stay as you are and save your peace and quiet. Sorry to say I think you might have been targeted if you are wealthy /comfortable.

When I got together with DH, he had older teens and I had no children. We moved in together and the boys stayed in their family house with DH popping in occasionally and sending the oldest one money for food and bills etc. Obviously there were a few ups and downs but it largely worked out very well.

The mortgage on the second house was eventually paid off (small mortgage) and the house was sold when the teens reached their mid twenties to put towards deposits for their first home.

My boyfriend and I have been together for a year. I have a 15 year old daughter still living at home. We've talked about moving in together. Realistically, he'd move in with me because I wouldnt uproot my daughter.

But 18 months?? No way. My daughter has asked if he's moving in. She likes him but I'm an adult and I know that she likes him because he's here 3 or 4 nights a week and goes home sometimes. Would she want him here full time - probably not!

He is lovely and has a good relationship with her but I doubt his children would want to move in with their dad's going of 18 months and her much younger children too. It's got disaster written all over it.

He's saying he'll end it if you say no because he's trying to manipulate you. He assumes that being single is the worst thing that could happen to you. He also can't be as loved up as he's making out if he's threatening to end it because of this.

OMG - NO!!!

Of course he wants you to help out with his 3 teens! Then you'd have 5 kids.

It will be the end of your honeymoon phase, - forever!!!

Hell no. An ultimatum at this stage isn’t a good sign at all. Teens are hard. Nope.

Ask your children. Let them know they can be completely honest - you need their feedback and they can say what they want - it won't be passed on.

In less than a years time that’s a house of 4 adults, one teen and two children.
That IS overwhelming, for anyone.
I don’t think I could live in such a household and certainly not as the “mum/wife”. You WILL end up taking more than an equal share of the organising/caring.

And the 16 year-old is self-sufficient? Really?

Why do they not want to stay with their mum?

I’m not sure I would ever want to try and accommodate a 19 year old moving in? If they were a uni student and needed somewhere to come back to that would be fine. But I don't think I would just have another adult move in and give room on top of 4 other children.
His children are all a terrible age to be moving to be honest. His intentions can’t be good.

I’m so sorry OP but I agree with everyone else. I just noticed this in your first post:

“I was guilty of being open to the idea when we first got together“ - so he’s been suggesting this from the very beginning of your relationship? And you didn’t rule it out at first? And he’s already managed to create the expectation that you would be doing all the extra work of having 4 extra people in the house. In that case I think you’re being taken for a doormat and he’s looking for a free ride, housekeeper and skivvy. He sounds lazy, selfish and manipulative. Sorry.

That really isn’t a good idea.

It’s not a decision that the OP’s children should be burdened with.

OP is a capable adult and a parent. She knows what the right thing is to do. Or at least knows what the wrong thing is. No need to involve the children.

Honestly, I reckon he's looking for a housekeeper with benefits. Don't do it.

No, this is an adult decision. Do not even remotely burden pre-teen kids by asking for their input on such a matter.

For goodness sake I wasn't suggesting the children get to decide. So many blended families are on an adult agenda, assuming the children are OK with it when they really aren't. Just getting their honest perspective will support the OP tomake a decision.

I'd be concerned a "trial" would the lead to accidental or stealth permanence. If you then say "no, it doesn't work" , do you see him saying "ok fair enough" or kicking off?

I wouldn't entertain it at all. I have a feeling from what you've said so far that you give an inch, he would take a mile and he only listens to what he wants to hear

I wouldn't even do this, and I would scale back the number of nights he spends at yours. You can date and be in love without him starting to take having free reign of your home for granted. Many lovers don't live together.

He has an agenda.

@NiqueNique completely agree - it’s unfair to involve young kids in the decision - they can’t foresee all the issues an adult can and might even say they think it’s a great idea thinking that’s obviously what mum wants them to say. It’s not a great idea and they would feel like they’re pushed to the margins of their own home with 3 teens lolling about & making mess & noise everywhere. A 10 year old can’t work that out but an adult can.

He’s been pressuring you from the beginning. This is not good. Please don’t do this. He can wait til his teens are grown - it’s really not long

Are your respective children desperate to live with one another? Do they feel the keen absence of their potential step-siblings?

no, of course they don’t, because you have only been dating 18 months. You aren’t anywhere close to becoming a fully integrated family.

Another don't do it OP. x

You like your space and have your own family setup- and that's ok.

Haven’t RTFT, but as you say it fills you with dread it’s NO put your DC first, then yourself.

Most children have a knack for saying what they know their parent wants to hear.

An adult shouldn’t need to hear her children’s perspective on things when she knows full well it’s a bad idea and knows full well that it wouldn’t work for her. OP doesn’t want to do it! She’s filled with dread at the thought and is only hesitant in drawing that line once and for all because she knows it might be a dealbreaker. Never mind whether or not it’s good for her children, which anyone with any sense can see it definitely wouldn’t be.

Children are not support humans or sounding boards for adults’ relationship issues and setting up that kind of dynamic isn’t healthy for them.

I think you need some distance from him for a few days to work out what’s going on and what you really want and be able to think straight without his words clouding your judgement.

You use the words dread and worried in your post - those are words and feeling you have when you don’t have any power in a situation. But you do have power. You can say no, I’ve decided I don’t want you to move in for at least the next 5 years. We can discuss it again when your kids are all grown up. And then there is nothing to dread, except what you might then discover about him and his motivations for being with you. But if it turns out he wasn’t sincere in his feelings for you and is not a good person, how much better to find that out before he’s ruined your and your kids lives.

It might not be a bad idea to show him this thread. You've never said an unkind thing about him or his children. It's obvious how much you love him. Seeing those things, might make him reconsider.
You shouldn't do it - not because you don't love him- not because his children are horrible- but because you're a parent first and foremost. He is a parent too, after all, so if he's a good person will consider and understand.
I can see how lovely it is to be loved up and how he may have felt like he just wants to make everything even more perfect by bringing you all together. And I can understand how he might feel protective of his children and upset that they might be criticised. But it isn't criticism really. They're teenagers, but lovely kids really, that will come out the other side. He is lovely dad who has done a great job. Maybe seeing this thread might make him reconsider what being a kind and loving partner would look like? He sounds like a good man, essentially. And if you don't want to show him, telling him the basics of what been said might work. Hope you can continue as you are!