He wants to move in and blend our families.

[torndawn]

The thought fills me with dread.

Me and my DP have been together 18 months. I adore him and love having him around.

His children all live with him, however they are teenagers (16/17/19) so he'll often spends 2/3 night here and when my 2DC 2 nights of the week are with there dad I stay with him.

My home is able to house us all, and he's been saying for months and months we should all live together. This has recently ramped up with him understandably worrying about the cost of living.

The thought fills me with dread. My children (8 and 10) are obvs much younger than his and we live very harmoniously. I'm so worried about rocking the boat. His house on the other hand always feels so chaotic, nothing bad just normal teenager stuff, rooms a total disgrace, eating all the food, always shouts of "where's my charger, who's took my straighteners, dad will you tell DS/DB he's done thiiiisss or that, I need money, I need a lift" bathroom always full of clothes on the floor, teenagers in pyjamas all day"

They are all lovely children and he runs a tight ship despite all the above. They are mostly respectful and polite. It is of note though that the 17yr old boy is autistic and that comes with obvs difficulties (mainly personal hygiene, excessive eating, mess, in the house 24/7 as no friends to socialise with, constant requests to play/draw/watch TV with him) he's a kind gentle soul though.

The thought of x4 more washing, constant noise, food not being there as expected, all that mess, no alone time. (I work from home so when my DC are at school I thrive off the silence).

We had a deep chat last night about it all which ended with me in tears as I find the prospect overwhelming. We've just walked my dog and he said "Dawn that's the second time you've got upset at the prospect of us living together, and your only reason is you don't want to live with my children, if this is the case then it really is a non starter and I can't see a future".

The thought of loosing him breaks my heart.

It's shit, I know we can set ground rules etc but the risk and loss if it doesn't work out is huge.

I don't know what I'm asking really, feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Red flags. Sorry don’t do it.

Why are you trying to force someone to let you move in with them?

Please don't move him in if you feel this way! It'll be disaster! I think you need to be really honest and say you really enjoy the relationship but are not ready for him to move in end the discussion for now. I don't see any point in discussions and.going round in circles- if he ends.it then he isn't right for you.

If he thinks it’s a non starter because he can’t move himself and his three children into your house, then it’s a non starter anyway. You have the rest of your lives ahead of you and his children could all be living independently within a decade. If this is a solid and lasting relationship, there’s no reason it couldn’t wait as long as it needed to.

He’ll be a cock lodger in no time. He wants to move in cos you have the space and if you don’t have to worry about bills, well nor will he… when his kids are with you, who pays for them? Does he earn as much as you?

Go with your gut. You’ll split up anyway if you don’t.

i’d be pretty pissed off if someone wanted to move in with me because they were worried about the cost of living!

It's not fair to pressure you and you need to put your own DC first.

However, there's nothing at all wrong with him deciding not living together would be a dealbreaker for him. If that's the type of relationship he wants that's fair enough. If he's not willing to compromise on that then it's understandable him wanting to end it

DO NOT MOVE HIM IN.

Blending families is hard hard work. You both need to be totally on board with it. This isn’t a popular view but it is rarely in the best interests of the children and you have to be prepared to mitigate this.

No way would I blend families with him. He’s no fool is he? You would be though if you agreed to this. Good luck, keep strong.

Apart from everything else has he given any thought to his child who is on the spectrum and problems this move could cause him.

Too many 🚩.
No is a good enough answer.

This with bells on.

He is being manipulative! Trying to suggest unless he moves in things will end, implying you have a problem with his children, etc.! Take it from me, once he is in there it will be SO much more difficult (if possible at all) to get him out again, reclaim your space, have space to think and assess what’s right for you, etc. Once he lives there, if it you realise it doesn’t work for you you’ll then be ‘making him and his kids homeless’. You could spend years trying to claw back your life and sanity.

LISTEN TO YOUR GUT AND INSTINCTS SCREAMING AT YOU TO SAY NO, ABSOLUTELY NOT

Surely no man is worth forcing this arrangement on your kids?

It's too often the case that the adults do as they want & the kids just have to put up with it.

Haha so spot on. There’s a type.

Sorry but he is totally unreasonable- I have been with my partner several years and we live separately and it would be a big adjustment for my kids to have him living with us full time which I don’t want to push on them, 18 months is nothing and I can’t see any reason to live together other than him being selfish

No, not in a million years.
Even if you were enthusiastic about the idea, I'd advise against it. That your gut is telling you it's wrong is something you should listen to.

He's an ass for threatening you. And I can't help but wonder if it's just a way to cocklodge AND get free child/teen care.

Oh no no no. NOPE!

You have every right to want to maintain your own space and peaceful environment for your own kids.

if his reasoning is financial and he’s putting pressure on you then those are two gigantic red flags and you should not agree to his plan (which only seems to benefit him).

I hope you are reading these op. It does sound very much as if he love bombed you.

Your children will hate it.
You lose your WFH space and income.
You will become a resentful SLAVE to his chidlren.

Great response. All completely reasonable. Be clear that it's not how you feel about his teenagers, but the whole, wider situation.

God yes, he's started with the 'you obviously hate my kids' bullshit already, imagine how much worse that will be everytime OP objects to anything his DC do once they move in <shudders>

Honestly OP go and read some of the threads on the step parenting board on here, the support one in particular, you will recognise instantly what's starting to happen here and get a good idea of what your future will look like if you let them all move in.

So his bring in a relationship with you depends on you letting him and his 3 teenage kids move into your home in less than 2 years.

Thats basically what he's saying ... This relationship doesn't have a future (or I will finish it) if you don't let me and my kids move into your home.

Even from purely just the aspect of your kids, and their home & lives, his behaviour is selfish and avaristic.

He doesn't sound like he wants to be with a woman for her, rather for what she can do for him/hoevshd can improve his life, solve his problems, make life easier for him etc He doesn't care that it's potentially at her and her kids expense, think about that.

He’s on to a win win.Sex on tap. Live in a bigger house and save money. Free housewife, to cook and clean after him and all the kids.
If he’s short on money he’s got the security of having the OP bail him out and subsidise him.
And what if he refuses to leave if it doesn’t go well?