He wants to move in and blend our families.

[torndawn]

The thought fills me with dread.

Me and my DP have been together 18 months. I adore him and love having him around.

His children all live with him, however they are teenagers (16/17/19) so he'll often spends 2/3 night here and when my 2DC 2 nights of the week are with there dad I stay with him.

My home is able to house us all, and he's been saying for months and months we should all live together. This has recently ramped up with him understandably worrying about the cost of living.

The thought fills me with dread. My children (8 and 10) are obvs much younger than his and we live very harmoniously. I'm so worried about rocking the boat. His house on the other hand always feels so chaotic, nothing bad just normal teenager stuff, rooms a total disgrace, eating all the food, always shouts of "where's my charger, who's took my straighteners, dad will you tell DS/DB he's done thiiiisss or that, I need money, I need a lift" bathroom always full of clothes on the floor, teenagers in pyjamas all day"

They are all lovely children and he runs a tight ship despite all the above. They are mostly respectful and polite. It is of note though that the 17yr old boy is autistic and that comes with obvs difficulties (mainly personal hygiene, excessive eating, mess, in the house 24/7 as no friends to socialise with, constant requests to play/draw/watch TV with him) he's a kind gentle soul though.

The thought of x4 more washing, constant noise, food not being there as expected, all that mess, no alone time. (I work from home so when my DC are at school I thrive off the silence).

We had a deep chat last night about it all which ended with me in tears as I find the prospect overwhelming. We've just walked my dog and he said "Dawn that's the second time you've got upset at the prospect of us living together, and your only reason is you don't want to live with my children, if this is the case then it really is a non starter and I can't see a future".

The thought of loosing him breaks my heart.

It's shit, I know we can set ground rules etc but the risk and loss if it doesn't work out is huge.

I don't know what I'm asking really, feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Don’t let him push you into this; put your children and yourself first. If he loves you he will stay; if he doesn’t stay with you it means he just wanted you as it was convenient for him

Well OP 11 pages of people basically saying the same thing.
Just of interest do both own or rent? If you won and he rents I’d be even more wary, especially if he wanted to be named on the house. Just wondered that’s all.

I also think your own children will resent you when they’re older. I personally couldn’t live with that, knowing I put my kids in that situation which affected their happiness.

Also why would his kids want to blend? I have 2 old teens and my DPs kids are younger. They like their own space and def wouldn’t want to share their house with younger kids. Has he asked his kids? Does he even care or think about what’s best for them?

The only person this makes sense for is him. He saves money and pushes what little housekeeping he does on to you. He seems to see you as Snow White with a chequebook.

I'm not sure why you are even considering something which you say fills you with dread but it's time to make it clear this is not happening as it doesn't work for you or your children. If that's a dealbreaker for him you're well rid of him.

If he really loves you, he'll wait (as my Mum used to say)

Op won’t be back

he and his teens will move in

op will name change and start threads in the step parenting forum about the utter shit show that is now hers and her childrens’ home life

the children will start their own threads on chat forums in a decade about the shitty time they had as a result of their mother moving in 4 adults they hardly knew in to their family home

Your first words:

The thought fills me with dread

So don't do it!

Yes I think this is exactly what will happen here.

I wouldn't even say you are testing any waters.

It'd be a flat no from me.

Never mind all the family dynamics involved, you need to make your financial solvency a priority.

The only person this makes sense for is him. He saves money and pushes what little housekeeping he does on to you. He seems to see you as Snow White with a chequebook.

This. Don't do it OP. The emotional blackmail and threats are all kinds of wrong. It will be a pile of extra work for you and none for him. It's infatuation and he's using that.

Can you clarify, OP?

DS17 stays with his Mum 5 nights a fortnight. Why don't DC16 and DC19 go too? What happened there?

Or do the children each have a different mother? Which would make DP's pattern very clear. When did his last relationship end?

Listen to your gut. There’s absolutely no reason to rush. His kids - or at least two of them - will have flown the nest soon enough. That’s the time to think about moving in together.

Omg this is me but the other way round 😩

If he thinks this relationship has a future then he can wait for a couple of years until his kids are adults!

Additionally, has he spoken about how things would work financially if they all moved in with you?

BINGO!
Ccklodger alert!
That is shockingly manipulative behaviour.
18 months -omg NO!

Do you actually know what his finances are like?
so basically if you don’t make his life easier and cheaper, he’ll break up with you?

This is it basically, he is a love bomber not a soul mate.

I’d say no, definitely not. One it’s very early days and two teenagers are fairly difficult to live with added to that one has additional needs which I know first hand is incredibly hard. Your children are young and I think this would be too much for them to deal with.

sorry but after 18mths he must be think he is on to a winner with you having a large house. He sees you as his way of sorting out his chaotic life, a larger house, saving money in the process. Sadly it is not the first time you see this on MN, a bloke pushing to blend families at pace which involves him moving into his partners large house and saving a fortune and expecting her to pick up the slack. Your not happy about it. Him stating you can continue in a relationship because you refuse to let him and his kids move in is a threat and would be enough for me to say fair enough. Protect your own DC and your home. Your not rocking the boat to say no

His next move will be silence and then " I cant live without you, heres a ring "🙄

Nooooooooooo!

OMG the more you post the more I worry for your poor DC. You are not seeing the red flags, we are so in love, with the cost of living it would be better for him as i dont have money worries, I mean you need to give yourself a shake, your not a teenager, you are and adult with a home and your own DC. you have a bloked who has love bombed you and now threatening to end it if you dont let him and his kids move in. I hope you wake up and realise how manipulative this man is,

Are you suggesting you put the wants of a man who you have known only 18 months above the best interests of your own children.

So he wants....

you to subsidise his living arrangements
you to put up with his children/adults in your own space
you to do what he wants even when its clear you don't want to do it

and your children end up with

a noisier more chaotic household
adults who do not know them and it appears do not care about them
less money available for their needs as you are subsidising him and his offspring
Resentment of you and your choice to put them behind everyone else

Your duty is to your children, not to him

Wouldn't be surprised.

@SudocremOnEverything is probably right, he knows financially moving in with her will be an excellent move and his rental could well be unstable.

The poster who mentioned it could be very messy to try and break up with a man and his SEN child and get him out of her home.

The cheek of him saying you don't want to spend time with his kids and he spends as little time as he can.

The OP has clearly got MUG tattooed on her forehead and doesn't he know it.

I feel so sorry for her children.

I really hope their father is decent and can step up.

I can so imagine them wanting to get the hell away from her and the mess that she will have created.

So sad.

feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Because he put you there!

You're really not though.

It's simple.

You see each other a lot as it is.

Why disrupt your kids?

If it's his way or no way then no way is the only answer.

Be careful Op-he's going to try all sorts to keep you & move in.

He's not worth it.

I was in exactly yours position twenty years ago. I felt terrible saying no at the time but I decided to listen to my gut instinct. After years of living in a terrible relationship I knew deep down I had to live my life how I wanted to and not to please other people. Looking back now it was the best decision I ever made. We married thirteen years into the relationship and moved in together then. His kids had left home by that time anyway. To be honest I rarely see his kids. He has a good relationship with them obviously. His relationship with my kids is fantastic.

How do you mean, are you trying to persuade your partner to let you and your kids move in?