He wants to move in and blend our families.

[torndawn]

The thought fills me with dread.

Me and my DP have been together 18 months. I adore him and love having him around.

His children all live with him, however they are teenagers (16/17/19) so he'll often spends 2/3 night here and when my 2DC 2 nights of the week are with there dad I stay with him.

My home is able to house us all, and he's been saying for months and months we should all live together. This has recently ramped up with him understandably worrying about the cost of living.

The thought fills me with dread. My children (8 and 10) are obvs much younger than his and we live very harmoniously. I'm so worried about rocking the boat. His house on the other hand always feels so chaotic, nothing bad just normal teenager stuff, rooms a total disgrace, eating all the food, always shouts of "where's my charger, who's took my straighteners, dad will you tell DS/DB he's done thiiiisss or that, I need money, I need a lift" bathroom always full of clothes on the floor, teenagers in pyjamas all day"

They are all lovely children and he runs a tight ship despite all the above. They are mostly respectful and polite. It is of note though that the 17yr old boy is autistic and that comes with obvs difficulties (mainly personal hygiene, excessive eating, mess, in the house 24/7 as no friends to socialise with, constant requests to play/draw/watch TV with him) he's a kind gentle soul though.

The thought of x4 more washing, constant noise, food not being there as expected, all that mess, no alone time. (I work from home so when my DC are at school I thrive off the silence).

We had a deep chat last night about it all which ended with me in tears as I find the prospect overwhelming. We've just walked my dog and he said "Dawn that's the second time you've got upset at the prospect of us living together, and your only reason is you don't want to live with my children, if this is the case then it really is a non starter and I can't see a future".

The thought of loosing him breaks my heart.

It's shit, I know we can set ground rules etc but the risk and loss if it doesn't work out is huge.

I don't know what I'm asking really, feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

I don't think you are being unreasonable - his kids are quite old and likely to be leaving home soon. Quite frankly I think if he loved you enough he would wait for this and then suggest living together. The fact he is giving you an ultimatum is a red flag for me - ie that he wants help with his kids or to save money by being a cock lodger living at your house.

I am sorry I suspect this man is being lovely and exactly who you want him to be so he can persuade you to share your house. And he'll change when he gets what he wants.

I can't see the bit where your kids benefit at all?

I can see how he benefits, and his kids, and even you if you are very lonely...but not your children.

I honestly cannot imagine asking if I could move my adult child and almost adult teens into someone else's home. It's cringingly embarrassing. In OP's shoes, I'd be suggesting that DP focus on his parenting until his kids are fully fledged and off into the world. Then revisit. Exception for a young adult with additional support needs, ofc. Even so, that's a serious conversation, not emotional blackmail and an ultimatum.

sorry if i missed it, but what is he moving from OP if he moved in with you?

will he give up a rented house?
a mortgaged house? is he going to sell to move in with you?

what's the financial status?

I asked the same, @mscampbell but OP hasn't returned to the thread

Just no. Put yourself and your own children first.

If it was one teenager it might be a go-er, but 3??? Its just too many people.

His children are nearly adults now. And still he’s framing you having reservations about him moving 4 people into your house as if it’s the only way to be together. After knowing each other for 18 months.

You aren’t being selfish or terrible. You have reservations because you know the red flags are flying.

It really is not uncommon for divorced men to view their new relationship as a ways of recovering what they lost in the divorce. They seek out a woman with a house, a job, her life sorted and want her to house them (and their kids).

Your instincts (now you’re feeling more rational than you were through the new relationship brain chemical soup) are telling you that this is not right for your children or you. The way he’s responded (all or nothing) is a further red flag. Why is he being so
pushy so early in a relationship?

I agree with the others who’ve said that weekends won’t actually rest anything. It too exceptional. And it remains your house and them visiting. Things will change entirely when it’s ‘their home’. 4 additional people added to your household of 3 will shift the balance of everything - and you and your children are the minority.

Trust your instincts here. Him moving in is not the right thing for you.

4 additional people added to your household of 3 will shift the balance of everything - and you and your children are the minority.

That's a really good point, they would take over completely

Dont do it. It may be a genuine deal breaker for him but it comes across to me like he might be w bit manipulative, he is pressuring you to do things you dont want to do. Having 5 kids in one house all with very different needs is a valid reason but he is saying 'you dont want to live with my kids' which isnt the case, it's the number. Meal times, logistics etc. Everythinf will be harder and if its chaotic when you're there without your kids of course it will feel worse if your kids are there as well. Surely you can just live separately for a few more years and make plans to move in in 5 years when they are able to move out?

Also...do his kids even want to? They are too old to want to 'blend families' surely

I’m going to guess: renting and has no equity/savings to buy because he traded that to his ex in the divorce in return for keeping his pension. And his lease is coming up for renewal.

yes. I am cynical. But the divorced man finds woman to rebuild his life using her assets and earning power (and take over the drudgery of his parenting while she’s at it) is all too common a tale.

Why else, would anyone be 18 months into a knowing someone and already have asked more than once to move into your house with their 3 kids - and is now getting ultimatum-y about the relationship because they have reservations?

He would have a claim over your own house if he moves in. He doesn't need to be on the deeds. If he can show he has contributed to the household costs and has a child to support with SEN, then this could get messy and legally expensive to sort out. Please think of your children and their best interests. Your house is your best asset for their future. Bringing much older young people into your house, along with a man they have only known for a short period of time is not in their best interests. They may end up really hating you for destroying their childhood, and he will change once he got his way. If this man had your best interests, he would buy a big house with you so everyone gets a bedroom. He wouldn't be planning to mooch off you. He wouldn't give you an ultimatum because he would compromise to make you happy. My way or the highway is never a good starting point for a long lasting happy relationship. You should test him out if he challenges you. Tell him you would only consider moving in together in a bigger property due to concerns about statutory overcrowding, fire risk, house insurance and child welfare etc. A big house which meets the needs of the blended family is what is required, you say. Tell him you couldn't do that without a sizeable financial contribution from him...and watch his run.

Fuckin' hell, missus.
You're considering putting all this on to your kids?
That would be so selfish.

Your 'D' P is just looking for a cheap and easy ride, to get his feet under the table, to get a free babysitter and to get his hole more regularly.

Your poor, poor kids.
Can't believe you're even contemplating this.

You must put your own children first, before this relationship.

Your children are younger. Put yourself in their shoes. Imagine being under 11 years old and having older teenagers move in to your house. I wouldn’t have liked it. And if never put my children into that situation, after being with someone for over a year.Especially one that’s autistic, I don’t mean that in a horrible way but your children will notice this.

Never had a blended family myself but sadly I know plenty of people that have and it didn’t always end well.

Does this man respect you? You’ve already said no in the past and now it seems he’s blackmailing you.

Id say no, my children are too young and wouldn’t want the upheaval. If your partner doesn’t like that, would you really want to be with him anyway? He clearly doesn’t care about your kids if he thinks that.

Im a bloke and I’m afraid I see red flags here.

Surely if you want to be together , having your own space and your son kids space is important?
Your not two single adults with no children. You have 5 between you. He has 3 teenagers. I wouldn’t want someone else’s 3 teenagers move into my home with my two young children.
Ultimately it wouldn’t be fair on anyone, including his own kids.

And what happens if you separate? Where would they all go?

I would also add

Where will your DC sleep?. Where would they put all of their stuff? 7 people living in such close proximity would cause friction and I really don't want/need that and I doubt the DC do either.

There’s no need for feeling torn with this decision. I can’t believe you’re even considering it.
All you need to do is ask yourself do your own children come first for you.
Dont prioritise a man and his kids over your own children.

Oh dear, op 😬
You are ripe for the plucking. He's reeled you in good and proper 🤷🏻‍♀️

Just looking at the ages of the kids... 16yr old and potentially 19yr old have exams this year? Is 19yr old doing a levels etc or working or at Uni? How will a move affect them?

How will a move affect the 17yr old autistic? Autistic kids do not usually do routine change well... Will the rest of the blended household have to bear the brunt of a 17yr old autistic kid in distress because his father wants to save some cash...

From that aspect alone I don't think your DP is considering the impacts on anyone other than himself tbh.

I can't understand what there is to talk about. Him moving in with you would be a horrible, horrible decision. It would be awful for your children. Say NO and mean it.

When he has to spend nights away from me he states that his house doesn't feel like a home

Of course his house doesn't feel like a home, it's messy (does he clean, shop & cook?) and full of 4 people. He needs to invest in his house and ONLY when he is happy with it should you think about moving together.

I imagine you seem perfect to him but I'm not sure it's for the right reasons.

(His DS17 goes to stay with his mum for 5 nights every other week and he basically lives here in that time as the other two are self sufficient)

So quite a lot of the time he doesn't live with his children but he's castigating you for not wanting to live with them.

It's NOT as simple as saying I don't want to live with your children.

I'm not sure why "I don't want to live with your children" should not be enough.

I know you think he loves you and he might very well do but realistically if he is aware of your financial situation he might just have pound signs in his eyes.