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Original poster

husband won't let me speak to my kids....

136 replies

standtallnow · 22/09/2022 10:34

NC here. We live overseas

Separated from husband for 5 years. He abandoned a 4 and 2 old and had no contact, no maintenance. He came back into their lives 5 months ago. I generously let my children spend weekends with them (no overnight stay because his living condition is not ideal/ bachelor pad, no kitchen).

I've been trying my best to give him as much access as possible. There are days when he brings them back 11.30 pm at night and not answer the phone when suppposed to back at 9 pm. He ignores my phonecalls and is disrespectful to me when with the kids.

This week he said things that turned the kids against me, and my blood pressure went dangerously high. SInce they were going to spend the day at their dads I said they can spend the whole week and he can take them to school because I was feeling faint, my head was pounding, my blood pressure was close to 190.

I dropped their stuff at his place the next day and no one answered the door, then I took myself to hospital.

Well,since saturday and now its 6 days and he won't let me speak to my kids. He won't answer the phone, stopped reading my messages, he knows I have high blood pressure. It is like he is doing this to send me over the edge and hope I drop dead. The reason I sent the kids to him is because I have no family here, its just me and 2 kids, and I really was afraid in the middle of the night something happen to me and I have to call an ambulance and the kids have no one to look after them. ( My mum died young of a stroke)

So what would you do in this situation ? We are going to divorce and he wants joint custody !

I am so heartbroken I can't speak to my kids. When the kids are with me they call him all the time and they can speak several times a day. But no, different rules for him.

What would you do ? Anyone have experience of getting sole custody (even if it is England? ) I do not know what poision he says to the kids about me. I never stopped him from seeing his kids. Now he is stopping me. and I am sick and trying to recover these few days after being put on medication.

What would you do ? ( apart from seeing a lawyer which I will next week). I know the boys have been going to school because the school is telling me they arrive.

But this is like a chess game . I need strategy on dealing with this narcissist.

what would you do ?

OP posts:
Hollyhocksarenotmessy · 22/09/2022 10:38

See the lawyer. Go to court to get agreed times for both of you. Make sure you raise parental alienation.

In the meantime, go collect your kids from school.

hulahoopqueen · 22/09/2022 10:42

What country are you living in?
And yes, I would collect the children early from school, and call the school and inform them of why this is the case, and that their father is no longer to be permitted to collect the children.

moofolk · 22/09/2022 10:42

Go to school during the day and get them.

hardboiledeggs · 22/09/2022 10:46

Get to a lawyer asap. Pick the kids up from school and have a chat with them. I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

titchy · 22/09/2022 10:47

That was a really silly move to let him have them for a week. You can no longer use the argument that his accommodation isn't safe because you sent them there for a week. You have also highlighted to him that your health is so precarious that you do not feel able to keep your kids safe all the time. I hope the lawyer is good because you've played into his hands. Sorry, realise this isn't a supportive post but I think you need to be realistic.

Quizzed · 22/09/2022 10:51

Go and speak to a solicitor ASAP. I would as above go and collect the children from school and wouldn't be allowing him to have the kids until you have spoken to a solicitor.

Original poster
standtallnow · 22/09/2022 10:53

I know...but I really felt ill and my BP going high is caused by him turning the kids agains me and the kids saying nasty things to me...and making me ill

OP posts:
Original poster
standtallnow · 22/09/2022 10:57

How can he give a good reason for not allowing me to speak to my kids for 6 days ?

I will have to go to school early and take the kids out early from school to avoid a confrontation.

OP posts:
Pumpkinsnearlyready · 22/09/2022 10:57

Ask the police for a welfare check now. Have you any paperwork to say they live with you? School letters /hospital appointment letters? Can you prove you are main carer? Do you get benefits with their names on? Ring school - has he been taking them?

Original poster
standtallnow · 22/09/2022 10:57

How can someone be so cruel ?

OP posts:
Original poster
standtallnow · 22/09/2022 11:00

Yes, I should get all documentation to show that the children live with me in case he calls the police on me.

School has been keeping me informed that they did go to school.

OP posts:
titchy · 22/09/2022 11:07

standtallnow · 22/09/2022 10:53

I know...but I really felt ill and my BP going high is caused by him turning the kids agains me and the kids saying nasty things to me...and making me ill

Seriously you're going to be parenting them with him for the next 20 odd years - he's going to be like this that whole time. If your BP is so poorly managed that every little bit of stress, regardless of cause, means you can't look after your kids, then you need urgent medical treatment, or they live with him.

Snoken · 22/09/2022 11:12

I know you said he left you and the kids, but is he an unfit dad now? You sound quite run-down and fragile, maybe having every other week will be good for all of you, including the kids? It's not great that he won't let you speak to them, but let him have this week, then speak to the kids to see how it has been and make a plan from that. It doesn't sound like you are in a very stable place mentally, so work on that first by getting yourself some respite.

Original poster
standtallnow · 22/09/2022 11:13

It is not every little bit of stress that sets me off.

I have been a single mum for 5 years and managed to work, look after kids., send them to fee paying schools.

Since the father's return to their lives, everything has gone upside down inside out and he was turning the kids against me to the point I felt really ill.

I shouldn't have sent them but I was ill. Can I not be ill? But how can he stop me from speaking to my kids ? How can he stop the kids from speaking to me .

OP posts:
TabithaTittlemouse · 22/09/2022 11:13

I get that you were unwell but did his place suddenly become more child friendly?

What did you do to address how your children spoke to you other than sending them to their dads?

How old are the dc?

Pumpkinsnearlyready · 22/09/2022 11:14

Op I get it. I was anorexic when exh made it his mission to punish me for daring to leave him. Never ask him for a favour - which looking after his own dc is seen to be. Keep to your prior arrangement only. Invest in a babysitter if necessary.. Seek medical advice about your health. My GP actually quoted I had ptsd but was reluctant to push for an official diagnosis while court was still ongoing..
Keep a meticulous diary when your dc come back. Ring the police for advice. And speak to a solicitor today. Do not assume he will bring them back unless pushed to.

Original poster
standtallnow · 22/09/2022 11:15

Mentally I am fine. I am stable.

He previously had argued for his kids to stay over, and I had said NO because he himself at an earlier stage had said it was unsuitable.

OP posts:
Original poster
standtallnow · 22/09/2022 11:16

I was afraid if I was suddenly ill in the middle of the night and needed to go to hospital, who would look after my kids. I don't have any family to help. only elderly family members hence I made this stupid decision.

OP posts:
Original poster
standtallnow · 22/09/2022 11:17

The children were spending the day at their dads any way and I said they might as well spend a few days there because I was feeling very unwell.

OP posts:
Original poster
standtallnow · 22/09/2022 11:18

Kids are 8 and 9.

I am stupid for sending the kids to his place, but what is his reason for not letting me speak to them ? What valid reason ?

OP posts:
PinkButtercups · 22/09/2022 11:19

I'd be going to the school right now to collect them and tell them he is no longer allowed contact with them so he can't collect/drop off.

I'd also not let him have contact, at all.

Jellycatspyjamas · 22/09/2022 11:20

And yes, I would collect the children early from school, and call the school and inform them of why this is the case, and that their father is no longer to be permitted to collect the children.
Assuming the father has parental rights the school cannot refuse to pass the children to him without a court order.

You sent them to him for the week, is there any indication he won’t return them to you after that timescale?

picklemewalnuts · 22/09/2022 11:20

Unfortunately that can be spun as child abandonment, by a malicious partner.

Talk to school, see how they are. Make sure school know you love them and want them back, and understand the history. Ask the school counsellor to talk to the DC and find out what they have been told about you.
You may be able to simply pick them up and bring them home.

TurtleCavalryIsSeriousShit · 22/09/2022 11:23

I get why you are upset, but why haven't fetched the children from their school yet? Why haven't you contacted the police? What country do you live in?

Summergirl5 · 22/09/2022 11:26

Pick them up early from school ,job done .
get on some blood pressure medication,then this won’t happen again