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Original poster

husband won't let me speak to my kids....

136 replies

standtallnow · 22/09/2022 10:34

NC here. We live overseas

Separated from husband for 5 years. He abandoned a 4 and 2 old and had no contact, no maintenance. He came back into their lives 5 months ago. I generously let my children spend weekends with them (no overnight stay because his living condition is not ideal/ bachelor pad, no kitchen).

I've been trying my best to give him as much access as possible. There are days when he brings them back 11.30 pm at night and not answer the phone when suppposed to back at 9 pm. He ignores my phonecalls and is disrespectful to me when with the kids.

This week he said things that turned the kids against me, and my blood pressure went dangerously high. SInce they were going to spend the day at their dads I said they can spend the whole week and he can take them to school because I was feeling faint, my head was pounding, my blood pressure was close to 190.

I dropped their stuff at his place the next day and no one answered the door, then I took myself to hospital.

Well,since saturday and now its 6 days and he won't let me speak to my kids. He won't answer the phone, stopped reading my messages, he knows I have high blood pressure. It is like he is doing this to send me over the edge and hope I drop dead. The reason I sent the kids to him is because I have no family here, its just me and 2 kids, and I really was afraid in the middle of the night something happen to me and I have to call an ambulance and the kids have no one to look after them. ( My mum died young of a stroke)

So what would you do in this situation ? We are going to divorce and he wants joint custody !

I am so heartbroken I can't speak to my kids. When the kids are with me they call him all the time and they can speak several times a day. But no, different rules for him.

What would you do ? Anyone have experience of getting sole custody (even if it is England? ) I do not know what poision he says to the kids about me. I never stopped him from seeing his kids. Now he is stopping me. and I am sick and trying to recover these few days after being put on medication.

What would you do ? ( apart from seeing a lawyer which I will next week). I know the boys have been going to school because the school is telling me they arrive.

But this is like a chess game . I need strategy on dealing with this narcissist.

what would you do ?

OP posts:
sweetpeapea · 22/09/2022 11:29

I'm also not understanding the HBP made you hand your dc over to your dh. My dad had dangerously HBP but it's treatable? If something happened in the middle of the night you get hospital to call NOK.

I think the mentality around your ex has to change or else you'll land yourself in very hot water. You may already have done this.
As PP have said, collect your dc and get a solicitor involved today
That's the advice you need to follow to see where you now stand after the judgement calls you've already made.

VimFuego101 · 22/09/2022 11:30

standtallnow · 22/09/2022 11:18

Kids are 8 and 9.

I am stupid for sending the kids to his place, but what is his reason for not letting me speak to them ? What valid reason ?

There's no point asking this on a forum. You know there is no valid reason, but that doesn't change the situation you're in. Go and pick your kids up from school and seek legal advice.

TealSapphire · 22/09/2022 11:31

Are you in Aus? Generally speaking courts will stick to the status quo when deciding custody (well you have to go to mediation first and if that fails then court).

Since you have always had majority care then joint custody is unlikely. I hope you're feeling better. I'd go get the kids asap.

Reach out to the school for help supporting the children through this, and seek counselling for yourself too. You're dealing with a nasty piece of work here.

scrufffy · 22/09/2022 11:32

What's the law re access and child arrangement orders where you live?

Original poster
standtallnow · 22/09/2022 11:35

I have everything texted and emailed as to when to bring them back to me, and that I needed to see a doctor . I only managed to see one yesterday and get meds. He and the school have it in writing that he is only responsible for looking after them this week, that I am not abandoning my kids becauase I know he will say that. I also got a medical cert to prove that my blood pressure was high. I sent emails to my kids school account telling them that I tried to call them many times, that I miss them and can't wait till they come home.

If I contact the police then they will go round to his place where the kids are and that will cause more drama, and he will use that against me "Mummy getting the police to arrest me ".

I will go to school and pick them up earlier than release time when no one is there. I am on day 2 of meds and feel much better.

OP posts:
Original poster
standtallnow · 22/09/2022 11:36

In Asia. Follow UK common law

OP posts:
Original poster
standtallnow · 22/09/2022 11:38

I have sent my children emails telling them I miss them, I am much better now, and I will see them home SOON. ( will get them earlier tomorrow)

Thanks for your support and especially about documentation to prove they have always lived with me.

OP posts:
scrufffy · 22/09/2022 11:41

standtallnow · 22/09/2022 11:36

In Asia. Follow UK common law

I'm sorry but you really need legal advice specific to the jurisdiction you're in and much of the advice you may get here may not be relevant.

Original poster
standtallnow · 22/09/2022 11:41

I thought I would be nice and let him have kind of unlimited access to the kids Sometimes he sees them 3 times a week...Just can't believe he would do this to me. He knows I had high Blood pressure all of a sudden and yet he stops me from speaking to my kids. It is like he wants to die.

Thank you for your support, and also the bollocking. Trust me, I regret doing this but at least I know, this is how nasty he is prepared to be.

OP posts:
scrufffy · 22/09/2022 11:42

But you gave them to him for a week and the week isn't up yet?

Haffiana · 22/09/2022 11:44

standtallnow · 22/09/2022 11:38

I have sent my children emails telling them I miss them, I am much better now, and I will see them home SOON. ( will get them earlier tomorrow)

Thanks for your support and especially about documentation to prove they have always lived with me.

Is this a joke? Are you expecting us to be glad you sent your abandoned children an email?

Why haven't you gone to the school to get them and bring them home?

Original poster
standtallnow · 22/09/2022 11:55

I did not abandon them for goodness sake.

I had blood pressure that was dangerously high. There is NO ONE to take care of them. I did not want to be taken seriously ill in the middle of the night, and if I needed hospitalisation, who would take care of the kids. IT is the father who abandoned them for 5 years, suddenly decides to come back into their lives like his disappearance never happened.

I had to let them stay at their dad's not expecting that he would not let me speak to them.

I sent my kids emails in case they are wondering why I did not phone them.

OP posts:
scrufffy · 22/09/2022 11:55

But you didn't have to let them stay at their dad's?

Original poster
standtallnow · 22/09/2022 11:57

I didn't go to the school yet because I only got to see a specialist YESTERDAY. And I was feeling physically unwell. I was afraid of collapsing at home etc. so I thought it better tthey spent the time at their dad's. I discovered my mother's body when she collapsed of a stroke. SO I was thinking since I am sick I can't take care of the kids, it is better they be at their dad's. They were spending the day with him anyway from morning to night.

OP posts:
Original poster
standtallnow · 22/09/2022 12:01

They had no where else to stay.

No one will take them.
I live in Asia where covid is still a serious issue. Where kids get carted off to quarantine camp if they test positive or close contact. So one will risk taking your child. All children wear facemask to school, have Antigen tests daily.

And I didn't want to risk being ill in the middle of the night, then what happens to my kids, because the father always switches off the phone when he sleeps.
We have different colour codes that restrict our movement with covid. So only there father could take them otherwise they would have sent to some children's home if I was hospitalized. I live in a. place where if your child has covid and is hospitalized, you cannot be with them.

OP posts:
Original poster
standtallnow · 22/09/2022 12:09

It is EVENING here. I will pick them up tomorrow early from school.. Sorry I did not explain that.

I know he will try to twist that I am abandoning but I had written to the father that it is not me abandoning them, and I had informed that the school that the father is only looking after them for a week, and then the kids will be back at home.

OP posts:
Original poster
standtallnow · 22/09/2022 12:12

I sent them with the father because no one will look after your child due to covid in case of close contact and being sent to quarantine camp . I am not joking.

OP posts:
scrufffy · 22/09/2022 12:14

And that's why you need specific legal advice.

Why did you send them to stay with him when you didn't think he was suitable to have them overnight?

America12 · 22/09/2022 12:18

scrufffy · 22/09/2022 12:14

And that's why you need specific legal advice.

Why did you send them to stay with him when you didn't think he was suitable to have them overnight?

She's explained several times , she was ill and had no one else.

Original poster
standtallnow · 22/09/2022 12:19

Because he spends 12 hours with them a day and then brings them home. SO I took a chance to let them stay overnight. Because of covid there was no one willing to look after my kids when I am feeling extremely unwell.

Have you never felt so ill that you cannot function?

OP posts:
IndianSummer78 · 22/09/2022 12:19

You need a change of mindset. You're trying to play nicely with someone who doesn't know how to do that. Stop bending over backwards to facilitate contact. A bit late now but you should have let him take you to court for contact in the first place.

what is his reason for not letting me speak to them ? What valid reason?

He can parent in whatever way he chooses (as long as it doesn't amount to abuse or neglect) during his contact time with them.

There is NO ONE to take care of them. I did not want to be taken seriously ill in the middle of the night, and if I needed hospitalisation, who would take care of the kids.

There was YOU to take care of them, if you became unable to do that the hospital would have sorted it out. You solved a "maybe" type of disaster by creating a "definite" disaster, giving them to your ex to look after when he didn't currently need to and negating your argument that his accommodation is unsafe by choosing to send them to stay there.

I had to let them stay at their dad's not expecting that he would not let me speak to them

No, you didn't have to. You should have expected it, because he doesn't let them speak to you other times he's had contact time with them.

I know you're panicking right now because you're dealing with a nasty person. But you're totally playing into his hands over and over. When he failed to bring them back at the agreed time you should never have let them go to stay with him again voluntarily. Every little thing he pushes for and which you let go and are seen to accept, for the sake of keeping the peace, just encourages him to push for more and more. He doesn't want peace, he wants drama. He doesn't want the kids, he wants to upset you, the kids are just a way to do that.

You say you're mentally stable but you need to work on that image because right now you're not sounding stable, you're sounding panicked and irrational. You keep mentioning your health so to an outsider it immediately looks like the panic is caused by your health. People without experience of abusive relationships won't look beyond that.

Parental alienation is a thing. But if you go to court and say "my blood pressure went dangerously high because the kids said nasty things to me, I was worried I couldn't look after them so I sent them to my ex" you're maybe going to lose custody. Kids say nasty things all the time. People have health problems which might worsen. That's life.

You've admitted to not feeling able to keep them safe, which was a mistake because it was an irrational feeling, they were safe and if the situation had changed it could have been dealt with at that time. It sounds like you sent them away to stop them saying nasty things as a way of managing your health problems. You need to learn to deal with all this situation without letting your panicking show because it makes you look unstable, which is probably his plan to make out you're an unfit mother.

scrufffy · 22/09/2022 12:25

@America12 but she only went to the doc yesterday?

America12 · 22/09/2022 12:25

scrufffy · 22/09/2022 12:25

@America12 but she only went to the doc yesterday?

She only got an appointment yesterday. She felt ill before that.

Mariposista · 22/09/2022 12:27

IndianSummer78 · 22/09/2022 12:19

You need a change of mindset. You're trying to play nicely with someone who doesn't know how to do that. Stop bending over backwards to facilitate contact. A bit late now but you should have let him take you to court for contact in the first place.

what is his reason for not letting me speak to them ? What valid reason?

He can parent in whatever way he chooses (as long as it doesn't amount to abuse or neglect) during his contact time with them.

There is NO ONE to take care of them. I did not want to be taken seriously ill in the middle of the night, and if I needed hospitalisation, who would take care of the kids.

There was YOU to take care of them, if you became unable to do that the hospital would have sorted it out. You solved a "maybe" type of disaster by creating a "definite" disaster, giving them to your ex to look after when he didn't currently need to and negating your argument that his accommodation is unsafe by choosing to send them to stay there.

I had to let them stay at their dad's not expecting that he would not let me speak to them

No, you didn't have to. You should have expected it, because he doesn't let them speak to you other times he's had contact time with them.

I know you're panicking right now because you're dealing with a nasty person. But you're totally playing into his hands over and over. When he failed to bring them back at the agreed time you should never have let them go to stay with him again voluntarily. Every little thing he pushes for and which you let go and are seen to accept, for the sake of keeping the peace, just encourages him to push for more and more. He doesn't want peace, he wants drama. He doesn't want the kids, he wants to upset you, the kids are just a way to do that.

You say you're mentally stable but you need to work on that image because right now you're not sounding stable, you're sounding panicked and irrational. You keep mentioning your health so to an outsider it immediately looks like the panic is caused by your health. People without experience of abusive relationships won't look beyond that.

Parental alienation is a thing. But if you go to court and say "my blood pressure went dangerously high because the kids said nasty things to me, I was worried I couldn't look after them so I sent them to my ex" you're maybe going to lose custody. Kids say nasty things all the time. People have health problems which might worsen. That's life.

You've admitted to not feeling able to keep them safe, which was a mistake because it was an irrational feeling, they were safe and if the situation had changed it could have been dealt with at that time. It sounds like you sent them away to stop them saying nasty things as a way of managing your health problems. You need to learn to deal with all this situation without letting your panicking show because it makes you look unstable, which is probably his plan to make out you're an unfit mother.

Absolutely this. You have a lot of common sense.
What would you have done if you had got sick prior to DH coming back into their lives?

Original poster
standtallnow · 22/09/2022 12:27

I will pick up the kids from school tomorrow (it is night here ) and bring them home now that I am feeling much better.
I will see a solicitor for legal advice. I don't have any family to help.
This is what a narcissistic ex does, runs you down to the ground. I know he can accuse me of abandonment of "6 days" when he abandoned the children for 5 years. I live in a country where no one will look after your child due to covid restrictions and they get sent to quarantine camp locked up for several days. I kid you not. That is why they ended up with their dad. We still live within covid bubbles in a way.

OP posts: