husband won't let me speak to my kids....

[standtallnow]

NC here. We live overseas

Separated from husband for 5 years. He abandoned a 4 and 2 old and had no contact, no maintenance. He came back into their lives 5 months ago. I generously let my children spend weekends with them (no overnight stay because his living condition is not ideal/ bachelor pad, no kitchen).

I've been trying my best to give him as much access as possible. There are days when he brings them back 11.30 pm at night and not answer the phone when suppposed to back at 9 pm. He ignores my phonecalls and is disrespectful to me when with the kids.

This week he said things that turned the kids against me, and my blood pressure went dangerously high. SInce they were going to spend the day at their dads I said they can spend the whole week and he can take them to school because I was feeling faint, my head was pounding, my blood pressure was close to 190.

I dropped their stuff at his place the next day and no one answered the door, then I took myself to hospital.

Well,since saturday and now its 6 days and he won't let me speak to my kids. He won't answer the phone, stopped reading my messages, he knows I have high blood pressure. It is like he is doing this to send me over the edge and hope I drop dead. The reason I sent the kids to him is because I have no family here, its just me and 2 kids, and I really was afraid in the middle of the night something happen to me and I have to call an ambulance and the kids have no one to look after them. ( My mum died young of a stroke)

So what would you do in this situation ? We are going to divorce and he wants joint custody !

I am so heartbroken I can't speak to my kids. When the kids are with me they call him all the time and they can speak several times a day. But no, different rules for him.

What would you do ? Anyone have experience of getting sole custody (even if it is England? ) I do not know what poision he says to the kids about me. I never stopped him from seeing his kids. Now he is stopping me. and I am sick and trying to recover these few days after being put on medication.

What would you do ? ( apart from seeing a lawyer which I will next week). I know the boys have been going to school because the school is telling me they arrive.

But this is like a chess game . I need strategy on dealing with this narcissist.

what would you do ?

What do you expect him to say when they're threatening self harm?

Sorry you are going through this but worth investigating whether this is a possible parental alienation situation, which is recognised in the UK. I am not sure about where you are, ask your solicitor.

they are shouting profanities about me down the phone to him . Sorry if I did not express it well

OP - have you got absolutely no support where you are?

It feels like the situation is escalating, your kids are clearly very distressed and their father is winding them up and you are, understandably, reacting a bit rashly rather than taking a step back.

I agree with a PP that it would have been better not to send the text because your ex is controlling the communication dynamic. Do you have a friend who could come and be with you and help you calm the situation down?

For the longer term, do you have to stay in Singapore? Could you move closer to family or other sources of support? It feels like a sensible aunt, uncle, grandparent or even a trusted family friend would be useful right now to talk the children down from their panicked state. They must feel awful inside to be talking to you like that even if they can’t put it into words.

If there’s no-one on hand right now, you will need to take a deep breath and retrieve the situation yourself. Remember the reason your children feel able to talk to you like that is because they feel very safe with you and know that your love for them is unconditional. In a very painful way, it’s a testament to the strength of your relationship with them.

You children are saying they will hurt themselves if he doesn't come to get them?

Something is very, very wrong with this whole thread. Nothing makes sense at all in the terms that OP is framing herself, as a much wronged mother whose ex has 'taken' (actually OP gave them) his children whom he has been seeing regularly every weekend for several months, and has somehow turned them against their mother in 5 days to the point that they are threatening self-harm if they are not returned immediately to their father?

OP needs professional help, and the children need a professional, welfare-based third-party intervention.

@Haffiana I agree that there's something has gone very very wrong and the op needs help and support.

OP needs professional help, and the children need a professional, welfare-based third-party intervention.

Yes.

I don't think this thread is helping you, OP. Please seek professional advice!

Are you for real OP? This man abandoned his kids for 5 years!!!! And when he reappeared it seems you bent over backwards to accommodate him. Why on earth did you do that???

He doesn’t have a valid reason. He’s doing it because he can. It is likely he will perceive illness as weakness so use it to grind you down more.
You know your children are ok as they’re attending school.
Look at options that have been suggested. Can you call the police to do a welfare check?
Can you leave a message for your husband saying you are much better now, you’d like the children returned tomorrow? ( or day that suits you)
Make a list of things you want the solicitor to do. Questions you want to ask. Writing it all in advance saves time.
Knowing which country you’re in might help as many MNs have experience of custody issues in different countries.
Stay as calm as you can, speak firmly but politely to your stbxh and make him think you’re open to discussion ( even if you aren’t) until you’ve seen a solicitor. Good luck.

The kids are having counselling. They have calmed down now.

You have to consider the emotional turmoil for them to have their father back after 5 years of absence. Yes, I let him back in their lives too soon. That was my poor my judgement. And to learn that the kids had read his private messages to his girlfriend of 4 years how they loved each other, and were going to meet up in the evenings after he saw them. That destroyed them because they only told me that recently. The girlfriend dumped him soon after and the boys are doing everything to cling onto their dad. I want them to have a relationship with their father but never did I assume that he would teach the kids to say that the kids had abandoned him. The kids say "we" abandoned him.

Thank you for the positive words of support,

and for the other comments, I will appreciate your time to make your point blank direct perspective ( at times harsh, but welcome because all views are eye openers and to be considered) and will take away something positive from that as well.

I won't write anymore .

Agree with this