husband won't let me speak to my kids....

[standtallnow]

NC here. We live overseas

Separated from husband for 5 years. He abandoned a 4 and 2 old and had no contact, no maintenance. He came back into their lives 5 months ago. I generously let my children spend weekends with them (no overnight stay because his living condition is not ideal/ bachelor pad, no kitchen).

I've been trying my best to give him as much access as possible. There are days when he brings them back 11.30 pm at night and not answer the phone when suppposed to back at 9 pm. He ignores my phonecalls and is disrespectful to me when with the kids.

This week he said things that turned the kids against me, and my blood pressure went dangerously high. SInce they were going to spend the day at their dads I said they can spend the whole week and he can take them to school because I was feeling faint, my head was pounding, my blood pressure was close to 190.

I dropped their stuff at his place the next day and no one answered the door, then I took myself to hospital.

Well,since saturday and now its 6 days and he won't let me speak to my kids. He won't answer the phone, stopped reading my messages, he knows I have high blood pressure. It is like he is doing this to send me over the edge and hope I drop dead. The reason I sent the kids to him is because I have no family here, its just me and 2 kids, and I really was afraid in the middle of the night something happen to me and I have to call an ambulance and the kids have no one to look after them. ( My mum died young of a stroke)

So what would you do in this situation ? We are going to divorce and he wants joint custody !

I am so heartbroken I can't speak to my kids. When the kids are with me they call him all the time and they can speak several times a day. But no, different rules for him.

What would you do ? Anyone have experience of getting sole custody (even if it is England? ) I do not know what poision he says to the kids about me. I never stopped him from seeing his kids. Now he is stopping me. and I am sick and trying to recover these few days after being put on medication.

What would you do ? ( apart from seeing a lawyer which I will next week). I know the boys have been going to school because the school is telling me they arrive.

But this is like a chess game . I need strategy on dealing with this narcissist.

what would you do ?

I hope you manage to deprogram your dc op and get them back tomorrow. This definitely sounds like parental alienation. Also keep a record of the correspondence to your dc to prove you in no way abandoned them.

I hope you manage to collect your children from school... hopefully their father still sends them in knowing he won't be picking them up himself.
Hopefully you'll feel much better soon and can come to a suitable arrangement where child visitation can be agreed and stuck to by all involved.
I think in a lot of cases children do see dad as fun and mum as the rule maker so don't take that to heart, by the sound of it you've done a good job raising and supporting your DC alone for the past 5 years.
Wishing you well.

Singapore?

You are doing the right thing. Speak to them later, then collect from school early before he does. Next time (if there is a next time), establish in advance what time you will talk to them and time and place for collecting again.

Well get a lawyer and move back home without him knowing about it.

I sympathize but you're coming across in a strange way, as if you got dizzy, so handed your kids to their dad for a week, just like that. It just sounds strange, flaky and inconsistent which are all red flags. I'm on your side, I'm just saying you need to start communicating your message differently as at the moment it's not doing you any favours.

I completely get you op. I'm a single parent with health issues, You we're trying to be a mother and do what you believed at the time, to be the best thing for your kids. I get your reasoning 100% and I'm here if you need to talk. Feel free to pm me.
Otherwise best of luck and please try to ignore the virtue signallers on this thread. Some of them just like to pick apart OPs & fault find.

Abandoned?! I think you’ll find that’s what the father did when he fucked off for months with no contact, not an ill mother placing the children with their father whilst she gets medical help 🙄

Fabulous blood pressure medicine you have bringing it down that quickly in 2 days, My bp is way higher and it took months to stabilize. I think you need some help with your own mental health distress too.Please dont think I am being awful but you cannot live with the fear that everytime you are off colour you might be heading for hospital or worse,that is no way to live for you personally.

Good question!

Hi OP sorry you're having to restate the basics so often.

OP it seems to me that you're much too forgiving of your kids' father. Fucking off for five years and then starting a campaign to turn the kids against you is absolutely vile behaviour. His going NC this week was cruel and manipulative.

So no, him saying that you 'can speak to them' at a set time tomorrow can't be taken as an indication that he's seen the error of his ways. It sounds like more power game to me.

Just go to the school and get your children back, then settle the rest through lawyers/court. Minimise your contact with ex as he is literally making you ill. And do tell you kids that while dad is fun, he's not great with facts. All the best.

Op, you really are not thinking logically
Agree with pp that you are being far too considerate towards him
Get to school and pick them up. School will know you have the legal right to do this , unless somewhere where women have fewer rights
Get to a lawyer asap and get the equivalent of a Residential Order. Stop procrastinating. It is adding to your stress and weakening your case.

Here is the update.

I didn't manage to speak to the kids.

I went to school much earlier to pick up the kids. School was not happy that it disrupted the routine which is understandable.

I messaged the dad 75 minutes before hand that I was going to do pick up and for him. not to turn up. It takes him 30 min to get there. He doesn't read my messages and turns up at school, no doubt causing more hassle.

Picking up my kids was a terrible experience. They rejected me and broke down and cried tears of unhappiness when they saw me. They rejected their home when they came back. and said that they and me had abandoned their father. Everything twisted. So yes, I have been too nice, too accommodating, too stupid for encouraging my kids to build a relationship with their father and to forgive him. Now they reject me even when back at home.

I am so stupid.

What do you mean you didn’t manage to speak to the kids?
You took the children from school right?

Well at least you’ve got them back. When are they going to see him again?

I didn't manage to speak to the kids on the phone at night.
But I went to pick them up today so they are back with me.

when to see them next ? let's see if he phones. I have to see a solicitor.

When he came back into their lives, I was stupid to give him unlimited access. whereas I was told by many that he really should have supervised access since he had been absent for so long.

As I said, I am the stupid one.

Well I wouldn't have let him back in, let alone have as much access as possible, but that's not helpful to you now.

Are you in a civilised country or one where men rule supreme?

I would call the police if the former, and get a good lawyer asap.

civilized place.

I am keeping him away. He has twisted the kids to be so angry with saying " Dad didn't call us for 5 years because he didn't want to hear your voice so it is your fault"

"You abandoned dad" wtf

This won’t make it any easier for you to hear the insults from the kids. However, the dad abandoned them for 5 years and it cut them deeply. They can’t act out with him because they will be afraid he will leave them again. They can act up with you because you were always there for them and would never leave.
Get legal advice and keep his involvement to a minimum because he will continue to hurt them by playing these games. Look into counselling for the three of you.

You won’t get your head around this. Your Ex has treated those children appallingly and can’t/won’t admit it. He will lie about everything.
You need to be honest with the kids as much as is age appropriate for them but most importantly help them express their feelings and acknowledge those feelings. Acknowledge the hurt and disappointment etc.

You might want to think about Stockholm syndrome. When you were poorly, you passed them to an abusive man. For their protection they had to appease him and believe him to be the better parent. Otherwise they had to accept they were in a dangerous place.

You need to reassure them that they are safe, that you can cope, that you were all fine before Dad came back, and that it's all ok. Tricky, though.

picklemewalnuts,

Yes, you have hit the nail on the head. Stockholm syndrome.
In the past they were so angry with me, but the kids would say we are angry at dad for leaving us but we can't say it in case he leaves again so we have to be angry at you.

The kids will be fine in a week or two. He's lied to them to try to turn them against you.

Just show them kindness as usual and get them back to their normal routine. They know you love them.

Keep taking your BP medicine every day and don't stop until a doctor tells you that you can.
When you have high BP that isn't treated, you have it all the time but can't really tell but when you were stressed it went up even more. That is why they call high BP the silent killer and many times there aren't symptoms until people have a stroke.

I'm glad the kids are back and ok.

You need to spoil them for a bit now.
You all need a bit of TLC and a chance to decompress.

The kids are back but there is a lot of emotional damage, emotional hate. I myself am so shocked to find that young kids can be manipulated to hate me so much.

Yes, the kids are back and I have constant verbal abuse. I hate you, You ruined my fun, you made dad go away, we don't care about you, we didn't want to answer any of your calls, mum's purpose is to spoil my life dad is fun , mum is not ( because mum is working 24/7 paying off the huge debt to finance their lives when dad didn't pay a money), screaming shouting at me non stop, saying they are leaving in the middle of the night. The house they loved now they hate, they say they don't want any memories.

I am trying to spoil them

My children have been royally fucked up mentally now