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Original poster

husband won't let me speak to my kids....

136 replies

standtallnow · 22/09/2022 10:34

NC here. We live overseas

Separated from husband for 5 years. He abandoned a 4 and 2 old and had no contact, no maintenance. He came back into their lives 5 months ago. I generously let my children spend weekends with them (no overnight stay because his living condition is not ideal/ bachelor pad, no kitchen).

I've been trying my best to give him as much access as possible. There are days when he brings them back 11.30 pm at night and not answer the phone when suppposed to back at 9 pm. He ignores my phonecalls and is disrespectful to me when with the kids.

This week he said things that turned the kids against me, and my blood pressure went dangerously high. SInce they were going to spend the day at their dads I said they can spend the whole week and he can take them to school because I was feeling faint, my head was pounding, my blood pressure was close to 190.

I dropped their stuff at his place the next day and no one answered the door, then I took myself to hospital.

Well,since saturday and now its 6 days and he won't let me speak to my kids. He won't answer the phone, stopped reading my messages, he knows I have high blood pressure. It is like he is doing this to send me over the edge and hope I drop dead. The reason I sent the kids to him is because I have no family here, its just me and 2 kids, and I really was afraid in the middle of the night something happen to me and I have to call an ambulance and the kids have no one to look after them. ( My mum died young of a stroke)

So what would you do in this situation ? We are going to divorce and he wants joint custody !

I am so heartbroken I can't speak to my kids. When the kids are with me they call him all the time and they can speak several times a day. But no, different rules for him.

What would you do ? Anyone have experience of getting sole custody (even if it is England? ) I do not know what poision he says to the kids about me. I never stopped him from seeing his kids. Now he is stopping me. and I am sick and trying to recover these few days after being put on medication.

What would you do ? ( apart from seeing a lawyer which I will next week). I know the boys have been going to school because the school is telling me they arrive.

But this is like a chess game . I need strategy on dealing with this narcissist.

what would you do ?

OP posts:
IndianSummer78 · 22/09/2022 12:27

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

TabithaTittlemouse · 22/09/2022 12:31

I did not want to be taken seriously ill in the middle of the night, and if I needed hospitalisation, who would take care of the kids

You’ve said a few times that you are worried that you would be rushed to hospital in the night.
Did that happen?

scrufffy · 22/09/2022 12:32

@America12 if she was that sick she would've gone to hospital immediately.

Original poster
standtallnow · 22/09/2022 12:34

Mariposita,

Yes, you are saying everything that I am feeling now. I was strong, then I got weak when I tried to play nice because I wanted my children to have relationship with their father. It has been a build up of stress over several months. It is the things the father does, many that I have not listed.

Hindsight is a perfect science.

OP posts:
scrufffy · 22/09/2022 12:36

standtallnow · 22/09/2022 12:19

Because he spends 12 hours with them a day and then brings them home. SO I took a chance to let them stay overnight. Because of covid there was no one willing to look after my kids when I am feeling extremely unwell.

Have you never felt so ill that you cannot function?

I am disabled. I have multiple conditions. I've frequently felt so unwell I've been unable to function and on one occasion my kids had to go to foster care for 3/4 weeks and I had to go into a care home for respite following an operation.

IndianSummer78 · 22/09/2022 12:36

Oh so you've reported my post because you didn't like my advice that a children's home if you were hospitalised was a better option and don't want to admit your mistake. Good luck with your case OP, I think you're going to need it

scrufffy · 22/09/2022 12:37

IndianSummer78 · 22/09/2022 12:36

Oh so you've reported my post because you didn't like my advice that a children's home if you were hospitalised was a better option and don't want to admit your mistake. Good luck with your case OP, I think you're going to need it

I think your deletion was unfair.

I had a shitty ex and it wasn't sensible to expect him to mind our joint children. He wouldn't have done an adequate job - so they went to foster care whilst I was in respite.

TeenyQueen · 22/09/2022 12:39

Sorry you're in this position. Firstly I agree completely with PPs that you need to seek proper legal advice. In the meantime keep all communication in written form so text rather than call so you have written evidence e.g. ' I am very concerned that you have not allowed me to speak to the children on the phone even after I requested it. Please confirm a time I can call them today etc.'

If I were you I would allow unsupervised contact for now until this was sorted our formally, in court if necessary. Maje sure that any arrangement leaves you as the resident parent.

Finally you urgently need to sort out emergency childcare in case you're unwell, are there no neighbours or friends who could help you? Find a reliable childminder if no one else is available. If you'd been taken to the hospital the paramedics would probably have called the police/social worker to arrange emergency care or they would contact your ex to collect your DC.

Original poster
standtallnow · 22/09/2022 12:39

I did go to hospital, and was told my BP was very high.Then I had wait to get appointment to specialist.
I didn't hand over my kids to their father lightly without thought. No, I didn't have to go to hospital in the middle of the night but I knew something was wrong with my body and I was not feeling well . That is why I told them to stay at their father's. I did not expect him not to let me speak to them.

OP posts:
Original poster
standtallnow · 22/09/2022 12:45

Indiansummer78

As I said, I don't live in the UK. I live in a country where it was only a few months ago when chlldren had covid, they were hospitalized alone away from parents and some were strapped to beds ! My children would be traumatized if they went into care so being with their father was a better option if I had to suddenly go to hospital. And the father switches off his phone at 9 pm.

OP posts:
Original poster
standtallnow · 22/09/2022 12:47

I will do all the things suggested to arrange back up child care, see a solicitor, pick them up from school early tomorrow. I never expected him to not let me speak to my children.

OP posts:
scrufffy · 22/09/2022 12:49

What would you have done if you'd had high BP before he came back into their lives?

IndianSummer78 · 22/09/2022 12:50

They children are being traumatized now by his psychological abuse every time they see him. Better to risk the possibility of trauma of a children's home if you were hospitalised than create the definite of it by sending them to their dad's. You need to think about why you wanted them to have a relationship with their father if he's a narcissist. It's not healthy for them. You, a grown adult, couldn't cope with it. What makes you think he's a suitable carer for your small children? You've facilitated something that's not in their best interests.

LoekMa · 22/09/2022 12:51

standtallnow · 22/09/2022 10:53

I know...but I really felt ill and my BP going high is caused by him turning the kids agains me and the kids saying nasty things to me...and making me ill

You really need to calm down. Yeah he might be telling them BS about you, but working yourself up like this will put you in an early grave.

Telling him he can have the kids all week was a bad idea. I know you have health issues but if you dont see the health issues getting better maybe sole custody for the father is the best option for the kids for now.

Its not about you or him, it where they are safest and you seem to be in a bad place atm

Thingsdogetbetter · 22/09/2022 12:54

You need to stop playing nicely with him because it will never result in an improvement in his behaviour. You need to start being manipulative back and play hardball. You need to twist the narrative to suit you, not him.

Instead of "I was too ill cos he's a meanie and i changed my mind about his accommodation being unsuitable because it suited me etc etc" (which is how you are coming across at the moment).

You need to twist (as long as he doesn't have written confirmation of you saying unsuitable etc):. "Despite regularly returning the children later than agreed times when he had them during the day, I thought we'd made some progress in co-parenting and the dc were more comfortable with him after he abandoned them for 5 years. Therefore I thought this would be a good opportunity for him to step up and show that he had matured and could co-parent with a focus on the children's needs. I thought that it would be destressing for the dc to see me so ill and felt a week with their father might build up their relationship and be beneficial to the dc. However, despite an agreed return date, he refused to allow contact with them, to return the dc or have any contact to discuss the situation. I have been in constant contact with the school so knew a welfare visit was not necessary, but I have concerns about the destress this is causing my dc as I have been their sole carer for the majority of their lives, and do not feel that concern for the dc is his real reasons for not returning them."

Make everything about the dc, not him, not you.

Get your dc back. Refuse all contact until he takes you to count. Have a timeline of all contact with late returns, parental alienation, maintenance paid, etc ready for court. Only communicate through your lawyer. Ask lawyer how to stop him picking up dc from school until court case.

Original poster
standtallnow · 22/09/2022 12:55

Indian summer 78
He treats the kids well is all fun and games with them. But with me, its a different story.

Why did I encourage a relationship with the dad ? Because they both love their dad and are so happy to have a dad, because they missed him so much.

So who am I to stop them seeing their dad? He treats them well when he is with them. But who knew he would stop me from speaking to them>

OP posts:
Original poster
standtallnow · 22/09/2022 12:58

Thingsdogetbetter,

Thank you for your insight. And yes, parents are not super human, they do get sick. but he is a narcissist. He won't teach the kids compassion, instead he will punish me. BY refusing to let me speak to the kids, he is proablby telling the kids that I abandoned them. That is why I sent them emails to let them know I miss them and I did not abandon them.

OP posts:
Original poster
standtallnow · 22/09/2022 13:01

I thought it was better for the father to take care of them instead of me being sick when I couldn't because I felt so dizzy.

OP posts:
knittingaddict · 22/09/2022 13:05

standtallnow · 22/09/2022 11:55

I did not abandon them for goodness sake.

I had blood pressure that was dangerously high. There is NO ONE to take care of them. I did not want to be taken seriously ill in the middle of the night, and if I needed hospitalisation, who would take care of the kids. IT is the father who abandoned them for 5 years, suddenly decides to come back into their lives like his disappearance never happened.

I had to let them stay at their dad's not expecting that he would not let me speak to them.

I sent my kids emails in case they are wondering why I did not phone them.

So what would you have done prior to their dad coming back into their lives? I think it might have been better to do that, but what's done is done. Hopefully your ex will hand them over once the week is up.

QueenKong101 · 22/09/2022 13:05

OP, I am assuming you're in HK.
Sharon Ser and Caroline McNally are renowned family lawyers and will be able to give you good (if expensive) advice.

Original poster
standtallnow · 22/09/2022 13:06

HK? no nearby.

Anyway I know what to do now. Thank you all.

OP posts:
scrufffy · 22/09/2022 13:10

But he hadn't not returned them though? You have them to him for a week and it's not a week yet?

scrufffy · 22/09/2022 13:11

*hasnt

Original poster
standtallnow · 22/09/2022 13:12

I sent him the message that someone said about time and place. He has finally responded and said I can talk to the kids in 4 hours time. I am so relieved. May be realises what he did was not so good.

Thank you all. I will stop posting now and do follow the advice.

OP posts:
Snoken · 22/09/2022 13:12

Given that you say the kids love going to their dads house and they have fun, I would not do anything right now but wait to see if you get them back when the week is up. You have no other support system when it comes to your kids, so you need their dad, even if you don't like him. There will be other times that you will need help with them, and it doesn't sound like he has any problem with helping out and take them.

You really need to work on yourself now, and make sure that nothing he does will get you worked up to such a state that you think you might be seriously unwell and hospitalised. Take medicine, meditate, use your ex as respite, whatever it is that helps you need it. Keep being nice to your kids, they will see through his alienation tactics eventually, but right now he's a fun novelty in their lives.