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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

husband won't let me speak to my kids....

136 replies

standtallnow · 22/09/2022 10:34

NC here. We live overseas

Separated from husband for 5 years. He abandoned a 4 and 2 old and had no contact, no maintenance. He came back into their lives 5 months ago. I generously let my children spend weekends with them (no overnight stay because his living condition is not ideal/ bachelor pad, no kitchen).

I've been trying my best to give him as much access as possible. There are days when he brings them back 11.30 pm at night and not answer the phone when suppposed to back at 9 pm. He ignores my phonecalls and is disrespectful to me when with the kids.

This week he said things that turned the kids against me, and my blood pressure went dangerously high. SInce they were going to spend the day at their dads I said they can spend the whole week and he can take them to school because I was feeling faint, my head was pounding, my blood pressure was close to 190.

I dropped their stuff at his place the next day and no one answered the door, then I took myself to hospital.

Well,since saturday and now its 6 days and he won't let me speak to my kids. He won't answer the phone, stopped reading my messages, he knows I have high blood pressure. It is like he is doing this to send me over the edge and hope I drop dead. The reason I sent the kids to him is because I have no family here, its just me and 2 kids, and I really was afraid in the middle of the night something happen to me and I have to call an ambulance and the kids have no one to look after them. ( My mum died young of a stroke)

So what would you do in this situation ? We are going to divorce and he wants joint custody !

I am so heartbroken I can't speak to my kids. When the kids are with me they call him all the time and they can speak several times a day. But no, different rules for him.

What would you do ? Anyone have experience of getting sole custody (even if it is England? ) I do not know what poision he says to the kids about me. I never stopped him from seeing his kids. Now he is stopping me. and I am sick and trying to recover these few days after being put on medication.

What would you do ? ( apart from seeing a lawyer which I will next week). I know the boys have been going to school because the school is telling me they arrive.

But this is like a chess game . I need strategy on dealing with this narcissist.

what would you do ?

OP posts:
Original poster
standtallnow · 23/09/2022 11:56

they are right now telling me to die. These are not my children anymore. They said they want to kill me right now.

OP posts:
Tsort · 23/09/2022 12:06

Your 9 year old and your 7 year old just told you that they want to kill you? Really?

FartSock5000 · 23/09/2022 12:14

DO NOT give him any further access. Get a Lawyer NOW and get your custody cemented.

If you can, take the kids to a therapist so there is a documented reason to deny him access.

Stop protecting them from the truth. Tell them he left and correct them when they spew his lies back at you. Fight your corner, OP, because trying to be nice and doing the right thing means he now has a good chance of winning custody from you!

Original poster
standtallnow · 23/09/2022 12:27

They have always known the truth that the dad left them. I never hid it. Now they are saying dad is showing them pictures of me attacking him with a fork .WTF.
Yes, my kids say they want to kill me.

OP posts:
Original poster
standtallnow · 23/09/2022 12:33

I have never attacked him. Him meanwhile attacked me and threw me on the bed while he was holding a baby in one arm.

I am so stupid for leaving them with him. The father hates me with a vengence.
because he blames me for his girlfriend dumping him. He had a girlfriend and abandoned the kids.

Off to the lawyers next week. And taking the kids to see therapist.

OP posts:
LoekMa · 23/09/2022 12:58

The kids should see a therapist.

And you all should respect their wishes, for whatever is best for them.

Something about your posts scream HPD to me tbh , hope Im wrong, but I actually feel they might be better off with their father. He seems kind enough and took care of them, didnt abuse them etc.

Original poster
standtallnow · 23/09/2022 13:18

How did I abuse my kids ?

They were doing fine until the father came back into their lives. I let them see their father, encouraged the relationship. Remember the father disappeared for 5 years. How did I abuse them ? Of course he is going to kind nice happy dad let them do whatever they want to win favour with them. The abuse is abandoning his children for 5 years ! and then telling the kids that they abandoned him.

OP posts:
Original poster
standtallnow · 23/09/2022 13:21

And the kids have been having therapy since he came back. and said that they are afraid he will leave again. And that is why they are angry, but they can be angry at me but not him in case he leaves.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 23/09/2022 13:31

I don't understand why you gave him him much access in the first place. Any father is not better than none. You know he is a narcissistic pos, why did you so readily let him back into your kids life? Why have you let him spend so much time with them?

There's good and bad to the current situation. At least he cannot claim you have been keeping the children from him. Especially if you have note of messages from when he had them. However, the court would see you have been ok with him having custody so its not like you can claim he has always been a danger to them. Which means...he'll probably get joint custody (unless there are other factors at play).

It's just messy op. Your poor boundaries have caused these issues. If you'd told him to sling his hook or taken hin to court when he tried to reappear after been gone so long, chances are he would have only got limited visitation rights.

Anyway, cant be helped now. But you would be wise to do the freedom program moving forwards. For your kids sake. Or incase you decide to date again in future.

As for them being at his...I'd be invited to call the police and say I hadn't heard from my kids in 6 days. That their dad was a bully when you were with him and that you are worried for their saftey.

Gazelda · 23/09/2022 13:36

It's so alarming that he's managed to turn them in 5 months after 5 years of abandonment.

OP, are you able to access family therapy for you and the DC? It might be helpful to re-establish the family roles and for you each to understand the others needs.

LoekMa · 23/09/2022 13:42

standtallnow · 23/09/2022 13:18

How did I abuse my kids ?

They were doing fine until the father came back into their lives. I let them see their father, encouraged the relationship. Remember the father disappeared for 5 years. How did I abuse them ? Of course he is going to kind nice happy dad let them do whatever they want to win favour with them. The abuse is abandoning his children for 5 years ! and then telling the kids that they abandoned him.

How did I abuse my kids ?

the very fact that I NOWHERE in No way shape or form mention you abusing your kids and seeing that THIS is what you respond with, underscores my HPD suspicion.

I really hope those kids get help.

SadSuzie · 23/09/2022 13:46

Gosh why does everyone have to have some sort of condition when clearly she’s not coping currently!?

Original poster
standtallnow · 23/09/2022 13:55

The kids are talking to him on the speaker phone.

I had told his dad by text that they cannot spend the weekend with them.

The kids ask when can you come. He replies " Your mother won't allow me to come EVER" . I interjected, and said "I never said EVER"

This is how he manipulates, poisons

OP posts:
Original poster
standtallnow · 23/09/2022 13:57

I had written in a text " they will be spending the weekend at home since they have been tired from the commute."

and he tells the kids " your mother won't let me come EVER "

OP posts:
Gazelda · 23/09/2022 13:58

As hard as it may be, let them have a private conversation with their father.

You'd expect the same courtesy, although I realise that's a moot point as he doesn't allow you to communicate with them while they're with him.

But show them and him how good parenting looks.

Original poster
standtallnow · 23/09/2022 13:59

LoekMa,

Sorry, I am stressed at the moment and typing with screaming meltdowns in the background. I am sorry I did not read it properly. He didn't physically abuse them, he is so nice and kind and manipulatating them now I discover, but this is the mental fall out.

OP posts:
Original poster
standtallnow · 23/09/2022 14:01

for the past 5 months, they have been spending weekends days with the dad and they come home fine. But after spending 7 days at his place (where I am not allowed to talk to them) my kids now want to run away, shouting profanities at me while he is on the speaker phone and he just lets them.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 23/09/2022 14:03

I understand you’re very upset now. It must be unbearable to hear your dcs saying this. It will pass. I think you should explain to the therapist what happened in an adult way. Ie what a poster explained upthread. The one, where you’re told to be calm and giving him a chance and that you realise now you misjudged the situation, should have collected them sooner but you were keeping up your end of the agreement etc.

scrufffy · 23/09/2022 14:16

You should let them have a private conversation with him. You shouldn't have it on speaker phone.

scrufffy · 23/09/2022 14:20

standtallnow · 23/09/2022 13:57

I had written in a text " they will be spending the weekend at home since they have been tired from the commute."

and he tells the kids " your mother won't let me come EVER "

Why did you send that text? That was never going to do anything but escalate the whole thing. You shouldn't have communicated with him at all.

And you shouldn't now until you've seen a solicitor or whatever the equivalent is in your jurisdiction.

Original poster
standtallnow · 23/09/2022 14:45

I sent the text so that he doesn't say I cut communication with him.

OP posts:
Original poster
standtallnow · 23/09/2022 14:47

The kids put the phone on speakerphone and have been talking to them in their room . They shout profanities at me down the phone and he just lets them do it and doesn't tell them to stop. They say they will hurt themselves if he doesn't come to get them and he doesn;t say anything.

OP posts:
Original poster
standtallnow · 23/09/2022 14:47

to tell them not to do that

OP posts:
scrufffy · 23/09/2022 14:48

I don't understand why you'd antagonise him by sending that. And why in 5 years you haven't got divorced, and why you haven't sorted things officially for him to see the kids in 5 months.

scrufffy · 23/09/2022 14:49

standtallnow · 23/09/2022 14:47

The kids put the phone on speakerphone and have been talking to them in their room . They shout profanities at me down the phone and he just lets them do it and doesn't tell them to stop. They say they will hurt themselves if he doesn't come to get them and he doesn;t say anything.

If they're ringing their father from your house in their room how are they shouting profanities at you down the phone ?