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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Relationship ended for no reason

253 replies

ChasingRainbows123 · 21/09/2022 10:02

Met a guy on OLD, dating for 8 months & everything going well.
We both suspended our profiles.
Messaged most days & saw each other most weekends.
He lives 40 mins away & he works away Mon - Fri & I have two young kids.
Previous weekend he offered to cook a meal for us at his house.
It was lovely, a great evening.
Messaged the following week as normal.
Didn't see him at the weekend as he had to work on the Saturday & my kids were with me.
Messaging ok & on the Sunday we arranged that he would come up to mine the following weekend. All arranged.
About 3 hours later he sends a message on facebook messenger where we chatted for no reason which said
"I'm done with this. A big part of my life will dissappear. I will survive"
That meant me obviously.
I read it & he had unfriended me & blocked me so I couldnt reply.
I tried to ring him as this was so out of character for him.
Worried that something was wrong I drove to his house.
I knocked on the door & stood on doorstep & asked if he was ok & he said yes he was going to bed as up at 4.30am for work.
I asked him why he blocked & unfriended me & he yelled & shouted at me waving his hands & said no I didn't I have been talking to my sister.
I said again is everything alright are you ok?
He shouted again just go or I'll ring the police & he started to put 9 into his phone so I came away.
I never heard from the police. But you dont block & unfriend someone your dating for no reason. Then threaten to ring police for no reason when someone checks up on you.
Is this narcissist behaviour or mental health issues.
I can't get it out of my head that I did something wrong to cause all of this.

OP posts:
SunriseMoon · 30/10/2022 06:26

This happened to me OP. It doesn't need to be a long or committed relationship to hurt you deeply.

There's a book called Psychopath Free by Jackson Mackenzie that really, really helped me understand what had happened. I urge you to read it. It's not you.

SunriseMoon · 30/10/2022 06:38

Healing from the experience took a long time for me. Be patient with yourself. I was often so hard on myself for not being over it yet.

Crimsonripple · 30/10/2022 06:41

You need to delete this thread and move on. Talking and rehashing it isn't helping. It was two months ago and you're still trying to seek answers no one can answer. You've had a lucky escape so push it away and focus on life. I think you're too hung up on a very short relationship.

Jewel7 · 30/10/2022 08:34

This is a horrible way to end things. Face to face would have been better. He has behaved disrespectfully to you. He sounds unhinged. I would have wanted to check on him too. Bizarre. I would block him and move on.

Original poster
ChasingRainbows123 · 30/10/2022 10:29

Yes you are right I have never been in this situation before with someone like this.
Thats what makes me think I was the problem for him to do this.
I was doing so well so don't know why I felt like this yesterday.
I split with my kids dad after 14 years 3 years & didnt feel like this cause it ended with closure.
This narcissist has messed with my head over the few months we were together with his behaviour. Its obviously how they work.

OP posts:
Brigante9 · 30/10/2022 11:00

ChasingRainbows123 · 21/09/2022 14:18

I could see right through front door window before he opened door & saw him get off settee & come to door & the door was was wide open to see no one in there.
Never seen him fly off the handle like that.
Except when we had been out for a drink & I was driving & dropped him off & he had a few drinks.
He asked me to go in for a coffee but I said no I had work in morning & he slammed car door & told me to f..k off.
I put it down to having a lot to drink.

More red flags than a Kim Jong-un parade! You’re well rid.

Original poster
ChasingRainbows123 · 30/10/2022 11:19

You have made me laugh with your comment Brigante9.
Thankyou

OP posts:
Original poster
ChasingRainbows123 · 01/11/2022 10:43

Thankyou all for your advice & support. It is much appreciated.
Starting to realise I am not the problem here. The only thing I did wrong was get involved with him.
I have had a lucky escape.
He has done enough damage in 8 months.

Yes you are all right the man has some serious issues going on with him.
Pity help the next victim he entangles.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChasingRainbows123 · 26/11/2022 22:44

Am I losing my mind.
Been doing so well focusing on keeping busy, with work, my kids & house & going out for long walks for exercise.
Never thought about him as had realised he was not good for me & there was something not right with the man.
Today I feel crushed & low & emotional about what happened.
After all this time of doing so well & not giving him a thought.
Was feeling happy & enjoying life.
Is this narcissist behaviour or trauma bonding or is it because I got no closure & he lost his head for no reason that day.

OP posts:
thelobsterquadrille · 27/11/2022 00:29

OP, in the kindest way, I think you need to speak to a therapist about all this.

RagzRebooted · 27/11/2022 00:45

Stop giving it headspace. Find something else to do with your weekends while your DCs are away.

RiverSkater · 27/11/2022 01:01

You did nothing wrong, he had behaved very badly. no decent person ends a relationship like this.

His own daughter doesn't speak to him - she was still a child when that started so tells you everything you need to know.

Please be kinder to yourself.

WGO · 27/11/2022 01:28

I had very similar from OLD but at 7 months.

The gaming book teaches men to dump you at whatever cost around the 6 month mark else they will get drawn into a real relationship when they don't actually want one yet.

They go from woman to woman pulling of 6 month stints. Yes they like you and the 6 can run into 7 or 8 months but they have to let you go

Do they care about you...NO!! Only about themselves. He would already have your replacement lined up from OLD

WGO · 27/11/2022 01:30

Meant to add...dating men with teen girls is always a problem. Whether they meet you or not they will feeldad belongs to mum

Original poster
ChasingRainbows123 · 27/11/2022 06:42

I have been doing well for weeks.
Kept busy & doing different things so never gave him a thought.
I had realised he wasn't worth headspace & he was a dishonest & nasty man after the way he went on with me.
Not seeing his daughter all that time is red flags enough.
Today was a totally different feeling after all this time of doing well & forgetting him.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChasingRainbows123 · 27/11/2022 06:45

WGO · 27/11/2022 01:28

I had very similar from OLD but at 7 months.

The gaming book teaches men to dump you at whatever cost around the 6 month mark else they will get drawn into a real relationship when they don't actually want one yet.

They go from woman to woman pulling of 6 month stints. Yes they like you and the 6 can run into 7 or 8 months but they have to let you go

Do they care about you...NO!! Only about themselves. He would already have your replacement lined up from OLD

Thankyou for that reply.
Thats interesting to read.
Much appreciated.
I was used by him. I have seen that.
I deserve better & so does his daughter.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChasingRainbows123 · 27/11/2022 06:48

WGO · 27/11/2022 01:30

Meant to add...dating men with teen girls is always a problem. Whether they meet you or not they will feeldad belongs to mum

I never met his daughter.
She has had nothing to do with him for over two years.
No contact, cards or anything.

OP posts:
WGO · 29/11/2022 18:36

I never met his daughter too. We had organised a meal for us to meet - no show.

Daughter started sabotaging our dates...she would have a random emergency coinciding with dates and call him away.

When it was her weekend at dad and I was due over she would say she is going home if I was due.

Never met the child ever!!!

The son on the other hand was very nice.

Dad got upsetting his daughter with me "apparently".

If a man has girls and you are not being introduced for x y z....he isn't serious

DatingDinosaur · 29/11/2022 18:58

“Is this narcissist behaviour or mental health issues.
I can't get it out of my head that I did something wrong to cause all of this.”

Neither. It’s just cowardly behaviour by someone who doesn’t have the balls or emotional maturity to end a relationship properly. You did nothing wrong.

TBH, the fact that he yelled at you quite aggressively is more disturbing and maybe, down the line, you’ll realise you’ve dodged a bullet. That’s how he handles confrontation and disagreement.

“Is this narcissist behaviour or trauma bonding or is it because I got no closure & he lost his head for no reason that day.”

Sorry you’re still feeling low about this but, why are you so fixated on narcissist behaviour? It’s not a box to tick “dated a narcissist”.

Unless his behaviour was awful during your 8 months together, it’s not trauma bonding either. It is, as you say, because you didn’t get proper closure on the end of a relationship you thought was going okay.

Original poster
ChasingRainbows123 · 29/11/2022 20:42

WGO · 29/11/2022 18:36

I never met his daughter too. We had organised a meal for us to meet - no show.

Daughter started sabotaging our dates...she would have a random emergency coinciding with dates and call him away.

When it was her weekend at dad and I was due over she would say she is going home if I was due.

Never met the child ever!!!

The son on the other hand was very nice.

Dad got upsetting his daughter with me "apparently".

If a man has girls and you are not being introduced for x y z....he isn't serious

I never met the daughter cause she lives 4 hours away & has had no contact with her father for 2 year.
No phone calls, messages or cards.
He blames the ex wife. I don't have her side of story so don't know if its the ex wife or him to blame for him not seeing his daughter.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChasingRainbows123 · 29/11/2022 20:46

DatingDinosaur · 29/11/2022 18:58

“Is this narcissist behaviour or mental health issues.
I can't get it out of my head that I did something wrong to cause all of this.”

Neither. It’s just cowardly behaviour by someone who doesn’t have the balls or emotional maturity to end a relationship properly. You did nothing wrong.

TBH, the fact that he yelled at you quite aggressively is more disturbing and maybe, down the line, you’ll realise you’ve dodged a bullet. That’s how he handles confrontation and disagreement.

“Is this narcissist behaviour or trauma bonding or is it because I got no closure & he lost his head for no reason that day.”

Sorry you’re still feeling low about this but, why are you so fixated on narcissist behaviour? It’s not a box to tick “dated a narcissist”.

Unless his behaviour was awful during your 8 months together, it’s not trauma bonding either. It is, as you say, because you didn’t get proper closure on the end of a relationship you thought was going okay.

Not fixated on narcissistic behaviour & not trying to tick a box dated a narcissist.
Thankyou for your opinion

OP posts:
Original poster
ChasingRainbows123 · 29/11/2022 20:56

Only he knows the reason why he did what he did to me that day.
Maybe another woman the way he just got rid of me like that & blocked me & no explanation.
I will never know

OP posts:
twinmum2022 · 29/11/2022 20:58

In the nicest way OP, I think you're obsessing over this and starting to read too much into just a crappy guy.

I would maybe look into getting some therapy to help you through it?

Sakura7 · 29/11/2022 21:14

I don't want to come across as mean OP, but you are obsessing about this. It has been more than two months since it happened and it was a fairly short relationship.

You seem absolutely determined to blame yourself even though you've been told time and time again that it wasn't your fault.

Please do get therapy, I think it will help you enormously. You're going round and round in circles and you need some help processing this.

Quitelikeit · 29/11/2022 21:55

Op

you need to move on kindly

you seem very fixated on this man and it’s not emotionally healthy to focus on someone the way you are

given that it was a short relationship and the amount of time that has passed

if you keep looking back then you will stay stuck in the past