Relationship ended for no reason

[ChasingRainbows123]

Met a guy on OLD, dating for 8 months & everything going well.
We both suspended our profiles.
Messaged most days & saw each other most weekends.
He lives 40 mins away & he works away Mon - Fri & I have two young kids.
Previous weekend he offered to cook a meal for us at his house.
It was lovely, a great evening.
Messaged the following week as normal.
Didn't see him at the weekend as he had to work on the Saturday & my kids were with me.
Messaging ok & on the Sunday we arranged that he would come up to mine the following weekend. All arranged.
About 3 hours later he sends a message on facebook messenger where we chatted for no reason which said
"I'm done with this. A big part of my life will dissappear. I will survive"
That meant me obviously.
I read it & he had unfriended me & blocked me so I couldnt reply.
I tried to ring him as this was so out of character for him.
Worried that something was wrong I drove to his house.
I knocked on the door & stood on doorstep & asked if he was ok & he said yes he was going to bed as up at 4.30am for work.
I asked him why he blocked & unfriended me & he yelled & shouted at me waving his hands & said no I didn't I have been talking to my sister.
I said again is everything alright are you ok?
He shouted again just go or I'll ring the police & he started to put 9 into his phone so I came away.
I never heard from the police. But you dont block & unfriend someone your dating for no reason. Then threaten to ring police for no reason when someone checks up on you.
Is this narcissist behaviour or mental health issues.
I can't get it out of my head that I did something wrong to cause all of this.

Thankyou for your opinions that I need therapy but I was only being kind & replying to the persons who took the time to reply recently

OP you revived the thread after almost a month of no posts, saying the same things again. I'm not saying that to have a go at you, it's just concerning that you're stuck in a loop.

It's not an insult to suggest therapy, I've had it myself. Millions of people have. Right now you need it.

Personally it's very normal for me to take a while to get over things, breakups etc. I don't think that's abnormal or necessarily needing therapy at all.

People expect someone to get over it the same week but it doesn't work like that.

@ChasingRainbows123 You'll have good days and bad days. That's normal. It could've partly been brought to mind by it being around the 2-month 'anniversary' of the breakup.

Get therapy if you like but you're not abnormal to still be getting over a breakup or sometimes thinking about an ex.

I made a thread years ago where I dumped an ex and people on here expected me to have forgotten him immediately. Doesn't work that way.

I get it @ChasingRainbows123 I really do, I am experiencing something very similar as we speak and it's horrible.

If you want to DM for mutual support then I'd be happy to do that 🙂

Believe me I know breakups take time to get over, I was dumped out of the blue from a long term relationship and had my whole world turned upside down.

I'm not saying OP is abnormal but she is stuck, and the kind of questions she keeps asking here would be better channelled through a therapist.

If something can help you deal with your pain, process what's happened and improve your self esteem, then why not do it? Therapy is not a dirty word.

Thanks for all your replies.
There is nothing wrong with having therapy. Its not something I thought about having as was doing ok keeping busy with different things.
The hurt was fading.
Its just every few weeks it hits me for no reason.
The cruel way he ended it & blocked me.
When hours before he was arranging to spend following weekend together.
I know I have dodged a bullet & escaped a strange man
I just got to keep pushing forward.
Things will get better

I'm not saying OP is abnormal but she is stuck, and the kind of questions she keeps asking here would be better channelled through a therapist. If something can help you deal with your pain, process what's happened and improve your self esteem, then why not do it? Therapy is not a dirty word.

I had therapy about my last ex because people convinced me I was wrong to still be angry a few months after I dumped him. Thinking back, I don't think it was necessarily the case.

The round of therapy I had for it was mostly harmless/nice, though.

For me it's about a lot more than trying to stop being angry. I ignored red flags and stayed in a relationship that was unfulfilling, with someone who didn't treat me well.

Therapy helped me understand why I got with my ex in the first place, why I settled for a poor relationship for so long, how the breakup was not my fault, and helped me develop my self esteem.

I had a pretty unstable childhood and therapy helped me see how that led to me choosing the partner I did. I needed to deal with all of that and learn about what a healthy relationship looks like.

If OP did go to therapy she would not be rushed through her feelings. No therapist would suggest that she should be over something painful or confusing after 9 months, ie, not feeling anything. That implies that after 9 months you've not only figured out why it happened but what you've learned from it and processed those feelings and worked your way through them so successfully that you move on with a skip in your step, no looking back.

My past will always be a part of me, but I'm not stick. Asking questions though, thinking about it, ruminating about 'it' and trying to figure out whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy, you were selected,, why you submitted, all of that can take years. And that's not stuck. it's the process.

Going to therapy isn't some switch that unsticks you. The process of acceptance continues throughout and after therapy.

So @ChasingRainbows123 if you can afford it, I'd recommend therapy, but not because you're stuck but so that what you're feeling now will be validated. My therapist listened to me which helped me move forward.

It was to do with my parents but the principle is the same. You can't just decide, right, I've spent too long being hurt time to not be hurt.

9 months is nothing by the way! A therapist will understand that!

@OldFan yeh, I think anger can alert you to a boundary that you need to start holding, in the future, even if you haven't managed in the past.

Anger can be the awakening of a new healthier sense of self.

I don't believe (like many others) that anger is automatically bad.

Nobody wants to be angry for decades but if the anger is caused by a recent event I think it's sensible to tune in to that anger and really allow it. That doesn't mean taking anger out on the wrong people before I'm told ''no anger is bad''.

I mean that recognition that you have inside yourself. eg I was treated badly and it makes me ANGRY

I think the answer to that is ''allow that. Sit with it. Be very kind to yourself. Part of self-compassion is not berating yourself for the emotions you feel.

Some of what i learned from therapy is that the solutions to various wounds are to stand in your own corner. my interpretation is that what happened to me would make any reasonable person angry and that I insist that that anger is normal. It is normal to feel angry when you're invalidated for decades.

What's helped me to heal from the wounds of not being heard and the wound of being betrayed is to stand even more certainly in my own interpretation of events. I did that. It definitely made things worse with my family but it has helped me.

Only when I had spent 18 months being certain that I was standing in my own corner even if nobody else was did I begin to feel the anger pass.

And even that is a process. I say begin because I mean begin. It hasn't passed yet.

Yep I mean then a couple of years later I became a Christian, so my perspective on it is different now.

Whenever I'm angry I pray this prayer I've gradually developed,

Oh Lord, I repent of my anger towards X, I ask your forgiveness and I forgive them. I pray for their conversion and I ask for everything they want or need, in accordance with your Will, Amen.

It has helped because I have a different relationship to anger and to memories.

You can do this and still honour your boundaries etc.

I might look into therapy.
I split from my partner after 14 years, the father of my two kids 4 years go.
Two months later my mum suddenly died
I took one day at a time & moved forward slowly from that with no therapy.
I had closure.
This breakup with this man is something different. Its the cowards way he did it & no closure.

Arranging to spend time together then 4 hours later blocked.
The man clearly has issues & they seemed to have knocked my self esteem.

That's a lot you went through with your ex and your mum in a short space of time. 💐

With men like this it's impossible to get the closure you're looking for. You have to give yourself your own closure by accepting that he was a shit and that you'll never get an explanation for why he did this. Put it down to him having serious issues and be glad you're out of it.

Do the Byron Katie "The Work" on this question of why he did this, OP. You are focusing on him when you could be dropping the thought of him and turning those ruminations around so you are looking to your own mental health. Google it, it's good!

OP I am sorry you are still struggling with this I can swear to you that you’ll be happy you escaped that weirdo.

if it might help I suggest:

1. Go ahead and get angry. This man threatened to Call The Police on you. That’s some shit! Get mad!
2. Block his ass right back. I mean everything. If he has your social media that can’t be made private go silent. Block his ass right back and keep moving. ALSO delete his number. Take control!
3. Loss and all this relationship stuff is a whole deal. It can take time and sometimes things come back hard. Understand that.
4. For the time times where you feel weak please write a list. I want you to write a list (I’d keep it in notes on my phone) of all the BS I had to deal with. This is the truth and will help lead you back to the healing path.

Being ghosted or dumped or whatever freakin hurts. It’s cuts deeper than even the relationship. It digs up all the insecurities and other muck … even fro our childhoods.

But we aren’t children anymore and we know better, thank goodness. You know damn well you wouldn’t want this man back in your life. You couldn’t trust him! You know damn well it’s the validation you seek, and that can only come from within. He is not worthy and therefore unable to give it to you.

I encourage you to lean into some anger to get strong. But I also encourage you to put this man away and focus on your own self worth. Trust me. His dusty ass will be there for you to no longer give a crap about when you are done building your own value.

promise.

Thankyou.
No I wouldn't want him back & no I couldnt trust him.
He had that all planned to dump me that day & block me.
It was nothing to do with anything I had said or done.
Its obviously the way the man works & treats people.
Hes a dangerous man treating people like that.
In the back of my mind I always thought he had issues of some kind. Some of the things he did or said.
Remember him telling me his sister couldn't get a doctors appointment. So she paid £600 for 1 appointment with a doctor to speak about menopause.
I remember thinking hand on a minute.
Is this guy for real here.
I have had a lucky escape with him.
I need to focus on my self worth.
I know I'm worth more & deserve better.

What's his sisters doctors appointment got to do with it?

When your away from him & out of it.
You see things clearer.
Some of the things he said like the appointment are a load of far fetched rubbish.

Thankyou for those words.
Very good advice

Thankyou.
I'm going to Google that

You're trying to understand the actions of a person who you assume is normal and wired the same way as you, when he clearly isn't. It's like trying to understand why Ted Bundy gained pleasure from killing women. Or why Rose West agreed to offer up young girls to her husband, and then help him rape and kill them. Okay, extreme examples, but my point is that some people just aren't like the rest of us.

My first H, who I was with for 20 years, had a secret life of shagging other women. I tortured myself trying to figure out why, when I had been the perfect wife. He's cheated on every partner since me. I'll never understand it, no matter how much I try. It's clearly who he is, and I'll never be able to resonate with it.

Hold your head high. You have better values then him. You are more stable than him. You treat people with consideration and respect, he doesn't.

You'll never understand his actions, because he's not wired like you.

Sorry to hear of your experience with your first H.
That must of been difficult for you.
Yes you are right.
These people aren't wired up like us.
We will never understand them.
Hope things are better for you after what you went through with that man

For the time times where you feel weak please write a list. I want you to write a list (I’d keep it in notes on my phone) of all the BS I had to deal with.

@ChasingRainbows123 I strongly agree with this suggestion by a PP. Write a list of all the awful things he did, and look at it when you feel sad that he isn't around.

How right you all were.
There was another woman.
Thats why I was blocked that day & told to f..k off when I went to check he was ok.
He wasn't bothered what he had done to me.
I was doing so well. Lots of self care, keeping busy with kids, work, house & Christmas.
Today a woman sends me a message on messenger on Facebook.
I was seeing your guy at weekends when you had your kids & I spent Sundays with him when he told you he was sorting things for him being away with work all week.
He was with me. I knew you were around & was dating him but he has chosen me now. You are worthless.
I didn't reply. I blocked her.
Explains everything really.

How awful of her to message you, well does she think she's won the prize? more fool her if she thinks he's going to change for her. I'd be relieved that I hadn't been the chosen one.

You are worth so much more than this.