Relationship ended for no reason

[ChasingRainbows123]

Met a guy on OLD, dating for 8 months & everything going well.
We both suspended our profiles.
Messaged most days & saw each other most weekends.
He lives 40 mins away & he works away Mon - Fri & I have two young kids.
Previous weekend he offered to cook a meal for us at his house.
It was lovely, a great evening.
Messaged the following week as normal.
Didn't see him at the weekend as he had to work on the Saturday & my kids were with me.
Messaging ok & on the Sunday we arranged that he would come up to mine the following weekend. All arranged.
About 3 hours later he sends a message on facebook messenger where we chatted for no reason which said
"I'm done with this. A big part of my life will dissappear. I will survive"
That meant me obviously.
I read it & he had unfriended me & blocked me so I couldnt reply.
I tried to ring him as this was so out of character for him.
Worried that something was wrong I drove to his house.
I knocked on the door & stood on doorstep & asked if he was ok & he said yes he was going to bed as up at 4.30am for work.
I asked him why he blocked & unfriended me & he yelled & shouted at me waving his hands & said no I didn't I have been talking to my sister.
I said again is everything alright are you ok?
He shouted again just go or I'll ring the police & he started to put 9 into his phone so I came away.
I never heard from the police. But you dont block & unfriend someone your dating for no reason. Then threaten to ring police for no reason when someone checks up on you.
Is this narcissist behaviour or mental health issues.
I can't get it out of my head that I did something wrong to cause all of this.

OP: I am very disappointed to see your update. If I was your friend IRL, I’d be having a very stern word. What were you thinking?!?

This man is a text book narcissist OP, he has a personality disorder, he’s not well in the head. Trying to “figure him out” will only cause distress, you are internalising his madness thinking it’s your fault, it’s not. He’s going to try hoovering (then discard) for the rest of his life. Make yourself a favour: block him and stop falling hook, line and sinker for this crap.

All of this except the first line is self created, self defeating drama.

S.T.O.P. telling yourself all the stories about what you should have done differently. You made a mistake and have accepted that. What's next? What's tomorrow? What's next week?

Your life isn't about him or your choices about him. What do you want your life to be about? Focussing on all the things you've done that you feel you should have done differently? Will it make you happy to live like that?

At least you know now. I left my lunatic abusive x twice, I even had another child with him, that's how disastrously self-sabotaging I was, but when I left the second time, I did not look back, I had no empathy for his 'plight', I felt no regret, I wasn't conflicted, I didn't doubt my decision.

So, from that perspective, it was not a total waste of time having gone back for more. Ok, it was a waste of time. But the first time i left I felt conflicted, obligated, guilty, all of the classics. I'd been trained to view everything through his eyes.

I hope you're ok @AlwaysGinPlease always put your self first. Your life is not a sacrifice to his convenience or his comfort zone. P u t - y o u r s e l f - f i r s t

Yes I'm disappointed in myself too. I should never of had anything to do with him. Even tough I only met him twice for a couple of drinks at pub half way between us both & messages. Nothing else. But I believed him when he said he regretted what happened & wanted to put things right. I learnt the hard way only for him to do same thing again

@xPeaceX wrong tag 😊 not meant to be me

I have been in a similar situation but managed to get out...and I'm staying out. I couldn't put my finger on what their problem was. Then I read all about 'covert narcissists' on YouTube and all the behaviour matched. It has been a revelation to me, and helped me enormously to move on and know that these people can fool the best of us...for a long time.

I wasn't going mad, these people suck you in, then discard and their patterns will never change. It could be interesting reading for you...although I'm not putting anyone in a box here. Just that when you feel so confused and vulnerable it does help to get some sort of understanding somehow.

Ignore this post if you want, just trying to help by introducing another slant on it all. All the best.

oops, sorry for tagging the wrong poster.

I think to begin with, labelling somebody a covert narcissist helps you understand or believe that this mess and these awful feelings aren't your fault. It's a stage in the process, then, later you can examine why you weren't turned off by the manipulations and martyred victimhood et cetera

If you have to end things before they are forced to step ''up'' and meet you half way, then they're not going to be able for that. because what seems effortless to some people, reciprocal support and consideration, feels like exhausting effort to them. If you take this type of man back, it's doomed. Being a decent person who cares about meeting other people half way, and more than half way for a loved one is just not their factory settings. So even if they can pretend for a while, it's not who they are. Even if they pretend, they will resent you if an issue crops up. After all the effort they wasted being sometimes remembering to consider you, and you're still not happy?!

@ChasingRainbows123 I read a really good quote though other day that said “when it stops hurting and your heart is whole again, don’t you dare give your healed heart back to the one who broke it” I thought that was such great advice. Although a little too late now for you with this particular situation, try and learn from this going forward.

How very true that is. Exactly the way he behaved.

Yes a little too late now.
Your right though.
I had stopped hurting & had got over him & it was nearly 10 months since I had seen him when we got back in touch again. Only for him to do the same thing to me again now

We live and we learn. 🍷🥰

Your right yes we do.
In this case I have learnt the hard way with him.
I healed & moved on from the hurt he caused the first time only for him to come back & do it a second time. I wasn't as involved with him this time. So a little easier. It still hurts what he did though.
It's very true he will always be like that. It's all an act & he hides behind a mask. Then when the mask drops.. His true self appears

That is exactly what I returned to the thread to say: the mask has slipped.... as it will do with these types eventually. before that it's an act. They can act as if they care and keep it up for quite a while [when they're getting the attention they need], till something more interesting comes along].

When you've lost their attention the mask comes off.

After all that on Friday with the goodbye I'm blocking you. Which he never did. Don't know why he was going to cause I had done nothing. Never heard from him all weekend. Monday morning he messages. Morning how are you. As if everything was OK. Then he says I'll make plans to meet up with you at weekend but can't commit to anything. I didn't reply. Then away he went off on one at me again. How dare you, How dare you. Goodbye. I'm blocking you. I honestly don't know what goes on in that man's head. But these mind games with him are heavy going. I didn't reply. Waited a while & if he messaged again I was going to block him straight away. I never heard from him anymore & I blocked him last night. Now I'm feeling like a weight has been lifted & relief but also a bit down & tearful. Not sure if that's cause he's messed with my head with mind games

Sorry he has messed with your head again but I'm glad you have blocked him. He is toxic.

Thankyou. He's a toxic & dangerous man.
These mind games from people like him are cruel & nasty.
I don't know what his game is.
All this goodbye. I'm going to block you then he doesn't block me. Then messages again as if nothing happened. Trying to be nice. Only for him to say the same again later in conversation. Goodbye I'm going to block you. Then doesn't.
I really don't understand that.
He would get the biggest shock when he realised I had blocked him.
Struggling a little today. But that's because of his mind games messing my head.

Thanks to everyone for your advice & support.
To anyone going through the same. Once they hurt & mess with your head a first.
Do not let them back a second time when they say they have changed. Its a mask with them which drops eventually & their true colours appear. These people are dangerous & toxic & only think of themselves & don't care who they hurt.

"Mixed messages are not for me. All of this drama is a turn off. Goodbye and good luck 👍🏻"

No mixed messages here.
The guy is blocked.
Should of listened to you all & done it a long time ago.
The only way is start the healing from him & his mind games again & move forward. To be honest it feels like a huge toxic weight has been lifted. It's like I feel free from his drama

Just wait 6 months without a single engagement with this guy. Once the “dark cloud of toxicity” is completely lifted from you (make sure he’s blocked on every single app) you’ll start feeling so much lighter and better. Expect every once in a while “hoovers” once he stops hearing from you as the loss of control over you will wound him. Once this guy stops living “rent free” inside your brain you’ll have healed from narcissistic abuse. (I’m talking from personal experience, getting rid of my ex narc was like quitting smoking!).

Thankyou. That advice means a lot.
Sounds like you have been through the same.
First day after blocking him I felt down & lost. Think it was just the emotions all over.
Feeling a lot lighter as the days go past. It's like a weight has lifted. A free feeling.
Hard to explain.
I healed from him the first time & moved on.
I only wish I had blocked him sooner when he came back second time.

Sounds to me like he's ha a psychotic break.

Either that or he's still married/hiding you from someone.

Sorry just read your updates...ah so he does this as a pattern. Just a standard, extra crazy abusive nutter then.

That'll be why lots of other people in his life went no contact obviously. Glad you've blocked. Hopefully he won't try to get in touch in other ways.