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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I was introduced to the wife today

165 replies

Sonygirl23 · 20/09/2022 21:46

Hi all,
I have done something wrong and I need advice.
Unfortunately I cheated on my partner. It was not an affair, just a one night stand with one customer from my work place. The sex was dead, there was no foreplay, no chemistry and frankly I felt more like a porn star than a person.
We didn't even kiss, just fucked.
Since then, I have deleted his number and we have not communicated in any shape or form.
Today he comes into the store with his wife and introduces me to her!
I was so stunned I was actually shaking but he seemed so calm about it.
AIBU to think this is fucked up of him to do?

OP posts:
Ofcourseshecan · 20/09/2022 23:58

PutinIsAWarCriminal · 20/09/2022 23:53

Don't beat yourself up @Sonygirl23. There are a lot of people on this thread who are kicking you when you are quite obviously already down, which is always uncomfortable to read. He isn't worth the panic he probably deliberately put you through. Make sure you are safe and be prepared to confide in someone if he starts to make you feel unsafe. He doesn't have the right to bother you at work. Yes you've crapped on your own door step, but who hasn't made mistakes. The trick is to learn from them. Work out why this happened and try to learn from it. Perhaps take some time out to get your head straight and work out where you are in your relationship.

Good advice.

TabithaTittlemouse · 21/09/2022 00:01

His poor wife!

Banana2079 · 21/09/2022 00:18

Look don’t worry about it what is done has been done just move on with your life never speak to this idiot again -I wouldn’t tell your partner what will be the point? But if you don’t want to be with your partner -finish with him -if you do want to be with him and make a go of things get some counselling for your self-esteem and promise yourself that you would never do this again - and get an STI check x

1994girl · 21/09/2022 00:19

Shame on you girl.

user1499128287 · 21/09/2022 00:20

No, don't tell your partner just to ease your conscience as that's just selfish.
Move on. You're not the first and you won't be the last to have an affair.

IDidntKnowItWasAParty · 21/09/2022 00:22

Good advice from @Moveoverdarlin and @PutinIsAWarCriminal
Good luck OP, learn from your mistakes

MissingNashville · 21/09/2022 00:29

You’re both very fucked up, not just him. Your poor partner and his poor wife. I hope you tell your partner so he gets a choice in whether to stay with you.

Amarette · 21/09/2022 00:32

Get some STI tests done before you put your partner at risk as well as yourself.

SheSaidHummingbird · 21/09/2022 01:36

The world's smallest violin is playing for you.

Marineboy67 · 21/09/2022 01:55

If this man is bold enough to bring his wife in to meet you who knows what he could do next or her for whatever reason. Because of this I would be honest with your partner. Nothing worse than hearing something from someone else.

SardineStitches · 21/09/2022 03:23

As humans we make mistakes.

Love it when cheats use this like... Wasn't a mistake or an error or an accident... You knowingly took your pants off and went for it. But hey it makes cheats feel better when they excuse it as a "mistake".

pinheadlarry · 21/09/2022 03:56

Yes he sounds like a weirdo, are you going to tel your partner ?

ThreeLocusts · 21/09/2022 04:08

Ofcourseshecan · 20/09/2022 23:58

Good advice.

Show quote history

Amen to this.

ThreeLocusts · 21/09/2022 04:13

ThreeLocusts · 21/09/2022 04:08

Amen to this.

Show quote history

I mean, good advice from PutinIsaWarCrimonal and Moveondarlin. An ONS is different from an affair, telling your DP is not necessarily kind. It depends on him. You can tell better than anyone on here what he'd want.

Something slightly ghoulish about the level of judgment here.

OverTheRubicon · 21/09/2022 05:00

Agree about the ghoulishness. Yes, cheating is one (very bad) mistake but it is by no means the only or even worst mistake that people can make.

I've never cheated but like most people have felt temptation, and can see how in some circumstances it can end up happening, especially with relationship troubles / mental health issues / alcohol or other drugs in the mix.
While I'd be gutted if my partner cheated and probably struggle to trust them enough to say, I also think a ONS might be easier to get past than someone who likes about a gambling issue, or is cruel to a child, or is highly controlling or has a horrendous temper. If someone's partner did that, mn might recommend leaving them, but not from such a very very high horse.

Happyher · 21/09/2022 05:16

Strange behaviour from him. Seems to like playing with fire. Ignore him but you may not have seen the last of him. I don’t advocate telling your partner unless this man starts harassing you or if you feel you need to

Bzzz · 21/09/2022 06:11

Tell your partner - he deserves to know what you have done. Its much better coming from you than someone else. Imagine how you would feel if he cheated on you, kept it quiet and then carried on life as normal

bringingdownthehotel · 21/09/2022 06:11

Okay back when I was 17/18/19/20 I was an awful, awful person. I had no morals so I will share a story from my past. I was 19 at the time and with my then boyfriend for a year at that point. I was on a night out without my boyfriend and ended up going home with a guy from his football team. He ended up going down on me all night because in my head that wasn't as bad as sex (looking back I actually think it was worse as it's very intimate someone's face in my vagina for hours on end).

The next week me and my then boyfriend were in line for a nightclub and this guy from his football team who id went home with the week before actually went out of his way to come over and speak to my then boyfriend, even shaking his hand. And I remember thinking then, 'how odd, it's almost like he is getting a thrill out of this'

So it might be the same kind of thing for your man. A sick thrill knowing his wife is in the same room with you and has no idea, it must be a powerful feeling for him.

Noteverybodylives · 21/09/2022 06:11

I think it would be odd if he didn’t introduce you.

It would have been obvious you know each other and him pretending he doesn’t know you is going to make the wife suspicious.

This is more about his wife than you.

Musti · 21/09/2022 06:20

Hi op, he sounds vile. I don’t know if you can get back to normal with your partner if you continue to keep this secret. Is there a problem with your relationship that you sought attention elsewhere?

Crazykatie · 21/09/2022 06:52

We sometimes make mistakes, we are human, but don’t make it worse, forget about it and move on.
Sounds like a very forgettable experience.

BigChesterDraws · 21/09/2022 06:59

Do you were ok with cheating on your boyfriend. You were ok with having sex with a married man. What made you “sweat and shake” was meeting his wife? Your morals couldn’t be any lower.

WaveyHair · 21/09/2022 07:04

I didnt realise he was a community dick until after I slept with him.

But you knew you had a partner. Stop worrying about the guy & 'his wife' and start thinking about your partner who appears to be the innocent party in all of this.

WaveyHair · 21/09/2022 07:05

BigChesterDraws · 21/09/2022 06:59

Do you were ok with cheating on your boyfriend. You were ok with having sex with a married man. What made you “sweat and shake” was meeting his wife? Your morals couldn’t be any lower.

This ... just a race to the bottom isn't it?

girlmom21 · 21/09/2022 07:09

If you're both acting like nothing happened then he's not necessarily playing games. That poor woman, though.