Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Who usually pays on a date

156 replies

Namechange85 · 19/09/2022 13:29

Just wondering really.....

Been out this weekend for food and drinks Saturday and Sunday with a man I've been casually seeing for a few weeks.

With regards the drinks we went in rounds which I think is fair enough. He paid for the food but when leaving the restaurant handed me the receipt which I took as his way of letting me know how much I owed. When I got home I sent him the money for the couple of meals we'd had.

I've been out of the dating game a very, very long time as had been married 21 years. I have no issue with paying my way, but watching First Dates last night made me realise that men usually pay on a date. And if I'm being really honest I would have been very impressed if he had done and not handed me the receipt!

OP posts:
StarlightLady · 19/09/2022 17:56

Just wondering what people think should happen on lesbian dates then?

SouperNoodle · 19/09/2022 17:59

I have always offered to pay half but 99% of first dates I've been on, the man has paid.
If we go on for drinks, I pay for them.

When I started dating my now husband, he paid for everything in the first few months despite my protests.

MadMadMadamMim · 19/09/2022 18:06

Whilst I don't mind paying half on dates, I would find it crass for him to pay the bill whilst I was in the loo and then hand me the receipt in passive aggressive fashion. It just makes him look like a tight dick with little social graces, to be honest.

I'd not bother seeing him again.

icclemunchy · 19/09/2022 18:07

As a general rule I'd expect who ever invited to pay for a first date but have no issue with splitting.

After that it depends, but usually a mixture of going half/you pay this time I'll pay next and you get drinks, I'll get food

gogohmm · 19/09/2022 18:09

50/50 or take turns at least in early stages. Now we live together dp normally pays because he earns far more

InThatCaseCanIHaveARaise · 19/09/2022 18:13

I would expect to either take it in turns or split the bill with first dates. Though if he’d paid while I was in the loo and handed me a receipt without saying anything I’d be wondering why he’d given me the receipt tbh.

GotYouJerry · 19/09/2022 18:21

The receipt thing is bloody awful and just weird. I would dump him just for that.

Aprilx · 19/09/2022 18:40

If it were online dating, I would expect to split from the start. In normal dating, if he did the asking, I would kind of expect him to pay first time, I’d be put off if he didn’t. I would pay the second time and thereafter would make sure things are even, probably alternating rather than splitting.

Him handing you the bill is pretty awful, but then maybe he thinks you disappearing when the bill is ready is a bit off too.

Justcallmebebes · 19/09/2022 18:46

I would offer to pay half, but on a first date expect him to refuse and to pay. Wouldn't see him again if he didn't. Thereinafter I'd expect to pay my share but not on a first date as that's setting a precedent for any relationship going forwards.

If he's too mean or too broke to buy you a meal, move on

timeofillusion · 19/09/2022 18:57

StarlightLady · 19/09/2022 17:56

Just wondering what people think should happen on lesbian dates then?

Whoever looks most butch has to pay! If they're both really girly then they refuse to pay and sneak out via the toilet window.

JenJones5 · 19/09/2022 18:57

GotYouJerry · 19/09/2022 18:21

The receipt thing is bloody awful and just weird. I would dump him just for that.

It seems like a reasonable way to deal with someone who not only doesn’t suggest sharing the bill but also repeatedly disappears to the toilet when it’s time to pay.

I do wonder if the women here who are happy to assume traditional sex-based roles in dates are also fine when management at work take a similarly sexist approach.

Comedycook · 19/09/2022 18:59

Yes I agree. On a first date I'd always offer to pay half. If I didn't want to see him again, I'd insist. If I did like him and he offered to pay the whole thing, I'd graciously accept. If he accepted my offer and split the bill, I wouldn't see him again. Once the first date is out of the way, I'd prefer to take it turns rather than splitting.

JenJones5 · 19/09/2022 19:04

Comedycook · 19/09/2022 18:59

Yes I agree. On a first date I'd always offer to pay half. If I didn't want to see him again, I'd insist. If I did like him and he offered to pay the whole thing, I'd graciously accept. If he accepted my offer and split the bill, I wouldn't see him again. Once the first date is out of the way, I'd prefer to take it turns rather than splitting.

Why would you not see him again if he accepted an offer to split?

I am genuinely surprised at women still thinking that relationships should be set out as so unequal from the start.

Comedycook · 19/09/2022 19:07

Because I'm traditional. I expect a man to be a man.

JenJones5 · 19/09/2022 19:12

Comedycook · 19/09/2022 19:07

Because I'm traditional. I expect a man to be a man.

And does this acceptance of traditional roles extend to you being willing to do all the housework and cooking, or do you become a bit more modern there?

Comedycook · 19/09/2022 19:14

But anyway if a man did want to split the bill, I'd probably just pay the whole thing instead. I prefer self assured confident men and in the ops case, his behaviour was weasely... handing the receipt to her is really passive aggressive and cowardly.

LaaDeeDaaa · 19/09/2022 19:14

He's probably posting elsewhere saying

'twice now when it's time to pay the bill she's buggered off'

and being advised to pay the bill bit invoice his date so she doesn't get away with it.

Comedycook · 19/09/2022 19:15

@JenJones5 I'm a sahm of school age DC...and I do all the cleaning and cooking. I'm fine with it.

EllietheElephanti · 19/09/2022 19:19

You say he paid while you were in the toilet but you've also m see it clear you expect a man to pay so maybe he picked up on this vibe from you.

tbh I think if I were a man I'd offer to pay on the first date but I find it a bit entitled if she didn't offer.

JenJones5 · 19/09/2022 19:21

Comedycook · 19/09/2022 19:15

@JenJones5 I'm a sahm of school age DC...and I do all the cleaning and cooking. I'm fine with it.

Fair enough. It’s not something I’d be comfortable with.

NotaCoolMum · 19/09/2022 19:30

7amByTheSeaPlease · 19/09/2022 13:49

I'm traditional and I find it hideously unattractive when a man won't even treat a woman to a meal and a few drinks. Shoot me 🤷🏼‍♀️

Absolutely agree with you @7amByTheSeaPlease! Nothing wrong with a little old fashioned chivalry! X

Original poster
Namechange85 · 19/09/2022 19:35

So I've just had a message from him asking why I sent him money as it was his treat....! Then why give me the receipt!

OP posts:
pompei8309 · 19/09/2022 19:40

If he can’t pay for a plate of food for you , can you trust him to look after you for the rest of your life ? I’ve been with my DH 17 years, I have never paid in a restaurant when dining together. Is not the money but the principle

JenJones5 · 19/09/2022 19:42

pompei8309 · 19/09/2022 19:40

If he can’t pay for a plate of food for you , can you trust him to look after you for the rest of your life ? I’ve been with my DH 17 years, I have never paid in a restaurant when dining together. Is not the money but the principle

What principle is that then?

Unicorn717 · 19/09/2022 19:43

pompei8309 · 19/09/2022 19:40

If he can’t pay for a plate of food for you , can you trust him to look after you for the rest of your life ? I’ve been with my DH 17 years, I have never paid in a restaurant when dining together. Is not the money but the principle

What principle? Surely you should be equal and it's not just him 100% "looking after you" and paying for everything.

Swipe left for the next trending thread