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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can someone help me with a tricky friendship issue?

146 replies

JockTamsonsBairns · 18/09/2022 22:48

I've got a difficult friendship issue going on, and I really need some advice as to how to handle it. I'll try to keep it concise, but also try not to drip feed.

About a year ago, I met a woman through a shared interest, and we got on really well from the outset. Let's call her Pauline.
Pauline and I spent a bit of time together initially, and she shared her back history with me quite early on. About 8 years ago, one of Pauline's children died as a result of a RTA and, a year later, her DH committed suicide.
Obviously, this is absolutely hideous for her, and I offered emotional and practical support as far as I was able to.

Over the next few months, our friendship grew, and I was visiting her at her home a couple of times a week (she lives a 40 minute drive from me).
At one point during this time, a mutual friend contacted me and gently and tactfully warned me about Pauline, saying that she was manipulative and that I should tread carefully. I discarded this advice, as I hadn't seen any hint of this myself.

It's relevant to mention that Pauline is a wheelchair user, and I was taking her into town for her shopping and general errands. I was also taking her dog out for regular walks as she wasn't able to do this herself.

Fast forward to about 6 months ago, and the dynamic started to change. Pauline started to phone me throughout the day/evening, asking me to come over to hers more frequently, saying she was lonely/needed some shopping/taken to the hairdressers etc.
I've explained to her quite a few times now that I can't spare any more time than I already do - I work full time (shift work), I have 3 DCs, and I barely have any time to myself.

Over the past month, the situation has worsened. Pauline texts/rings me daily, saying she needs me to take her into town, or that the dog needs taken to the vet, or that she has a hair appointment.

I genuinely can't commit to this. I don't have time to make hair appointments for myself, and my shift pattern means I don't spend enough time with my own children. I haven't seen my own friends for months.

Two weeks ago, things came to a head.
Pauline sent me a message saying that she wanted me to commit to two days a week where I'd be able to take her out. I replied to her, saying that I get two days off a week, and that I need to do my own stuff - just general household things, and spending time with my family.

That night, at 1am, I got a reply from Pauline, saying that if I can't even commit to at least a day a week, then she might as well not be here, and that she has enough medication in her cupboard to end it all.

I replied to that message, just saying that I felt that it wasn't fair to put that on to me, and I advised her to contact her Community Psychiatric Nurse, who she is known to.

Pauline continues to contact me almost daily. I generally wait a day or two, then reply that I'm really busy these days and can't commit to anything.

I'm not sure if I should be more direct with her. I'm mindful that her life has been pretty shit over the past few years, and I don't want to cause her any further hurt. I don't want to ghost her, but my viewpoint isn't getting through to her.

I received a message from her an hour ago - "Hi, I haven't heard from you and I need a catch up. You said you would contact me but again, you didn't. Please reply asap x"

I don't know what to do. I don't want to hurt her, but I need to extricate myself from this.

Sorry, this is really long.

OP posts:
pictish · 18/09/2022 22:54

You know you need to extricate yourself from Pauline.
You’re not qualified or obliged to lend yourself to sorting her out on demand.

I would pull the plaster off, though I know it will be hard. Tell her you’re stepping back and wish her well.

Alcemeg · 18/09/2022 22:54

I'm afraid she's a nutcase. Ive been entangled with similar. I moved away and changed phone number, but cutting off contact is harder with social media. Not sure what to advise except that when she asks you to jump, you somehow have to stop jumping. Good luck OP, these people poison our lives. X

KylieCharlene · 18/09/2022 22:55

You don't owe Pauline a second of your time.
This woman is manipulating you and tbh she sounds dangerous.
Do not reply to any more of her texts and block her. If she tries to contact you in any other way then call the police.
I don't get a good feeling about her at all OP.

redastherose · 18/09/2022 22:55

I think the only thing you can do now is either tell her you can't be friends as she needs more than you have time to give or just massively step back and on,y respond to her messages once every couple of weeks saying you've been busy. She obviously is used to using people if someone went to the trouble of warning you and is manipulative by threatening to harm herself.

Catlover1970 · 18/09/2022 22:59

Just reply and say you value her friendship but you are really busy with work and your family x

Blahburst · 18/09/2022 23:04

If you don’t want to ghost her completely Id text “I’m very busy at the moment and for the foreseeable. I’ll let you know if and when things calm down a bit.”
Please be careful and look after yourself. The emotional blackmail is a massive red flag.

artificialhells · 18/09/2022 23:07

Can you contact your mutual friend and ask if she has any advice/ experience? As it sounds like she has been in a similar situation.

i have been also and my sympathies to you - it is very very hard.

I would suggest being really clear about your boundaries: ‘I’m sorry, I can’t come round and help anymore. I am taking a break from our friendship so I can concentrate on my other commitments. I wish you all the best.’

She might be upset for a while. She will probably lash out and ask for explanations etc but you have to ignore these unfortunately. You will have to come to terms with the fact that she is going to have a low opinion of you, and that can make you feel terrible too. You have to sever the relationship, and sadly there is no way of doing this without her feeling upset. But it is not your responsibility to manage her emotions.

BloodyCamping · 18/09/2022 23:08

Just text her back ‘things are very hectic my end, I’d like to meet but it’s a struggle to find the time’ and repeat every time.

pictish · 18/09/2022 23:10

Instead of feeling guilty, get mad. How dare she be angry and threaten you for resisting her control?

“Don’t you ‘asap’ me! I’m busy. There, we’ve caught up. Now leave me alone.”

That ought to do.

CakeWarrior · 18/09/2022 23:13

She is manipulative, draining and has no respect for you or your own life. She is the type of person whereby if you give an inch she will take a mile. Personally, I wouldn't send messages saying you are busy and will catch up soon - as you are leaving the door open and will continue to be bombarded by her. I would just block by phone and social media. It sounds harsh but you say you have repeatedly told her about your own family commitments to no avail - so nothing is likely to change her attitude to summoning you x

Adultchildofelderlyparents · 18/09/2022 23:14

Remind her that you are her friend, and not her carer. Explain again that you have a lot of demands on your time with work and family, and that you make as much time alongside that as you can for friendships, but you can't be available all of the time.

Newuname199987 · 18/09/2022 23:15

She wanted you to be available on both your non working days every week? That is so unreasonable and you have your own life to lead. Might be harder but I’d suggest as others have to end contact and don’t leave any doors open at all. Make it clear you no longer have time to see her and wish her well.

pictish · 18/09/2022 23:16

Ok I’m not quite serious (or am I?). I’d be bloody annoyed with Pauline though. I don’t think the sorry sorry I’ll get back to you sorry just so busy sorry approach is going to cut it. She already knows you don’t want to be friends with her any more…but she’s not giving in.

Natty13 · 18/09/2022 23:16

My experience with people like this is that they are all or nothing. You either give them absolutely everything they want (all your time/money/energy) or they dont want to know. There is no middle ground.

I'm sorry to be so blunt and harsh here but if one of your own children were to pass away suddenly like happened to Pauline, would you not regret spending so much of your free time with someone like this? Wouldn't you want to have knows you enjoyed your time being a mum instead of running yourself ragged? I'm not saying that to guilt you, God knows we all wish we had more of ourselves to give to our kids with all the commitments of life, but to make you think. I see it day in day out in my job (healthcare) and wish I could turn the clock back for my patients' families so they could enjoy what they had while they had it.

Ilovelurchers · 18/09/2022 23:16

It's sad as she sounds quite unwell, but the demand that you take her out twice and week, and the suicide threat, are way way too much!

I think be kind yet honest. Say that you are sorry for her troubles and have enjoyed some of the times you spent with her (I am assuming you did, at least early on) but you are finding the friendship too full on, and the suicide threat was too stressful for you to deal with, and so you need to say goodbye and block her now. Then do it.

I think that is as kind and respectful as you can be while not making yourself vulnerable to further exploitation. (And it's not a healthy friendship for her either - she sounds obsessed which is not good for you OR her).

You sound lovely OP. Sorry you are going through this.

figmaofmyimagination · 18/09/2022 23:17

“Pauline, I’m genuinely sorry that things are so tough, but I just can’t be the person you need me to be. I think it’s probably for the best if we leave it there now.”

Original poster
JockTamsonsBairns · 18/09/2022 23:18

Thanks so much to everyone for your replies. You've all said exactly what I've been thinking.
To the pp who asked, our mutual friend is far more direct than I am - she cut contact without as much as a backwards glance.

I keep getting drawn back in, because I know she's going through hell with losing her son, and then her husband. I thought I could support her emotionally as a friend, but I'm not in any way equipped to give her the support she needs.

I should have backed away when I first met her, but she seemed so lovely, and I really felt for her after everything she's been through. I've experienced a fair share of bereavement in my own life, and I genuinely thought I could support her.
But this is way beyond me.

OP posts:
Azandme · 18/09/2022 23:19

If she threatens suicide again, call the police. They'll do a safety check. This is not fair on you.

Everylittlethingsgonnabealright · 18/09/2022 23:23

She might be upset for a while. She will probably lash out and ask for explanations etc but you have to ignore these unfortunately. You will have to come to terms with the fact that she is going to have a low opinion of you, and that can make you feel terrible too. You have to sever the relationship, and sadly there is no way of doing this without her feeling upset. But it is not your responsibility to manage her emotions.

agree with this by a PP. What IS your responsibility is sitting with your own feelings that will come up when you tell her no - whether it’s guilt, sadness, frustration, relief, joy! Whatever you feel will pass and you will be okay. It just takes a bit of courage to ride that wave until your feelings settle again.

Original poster
JockTamsonsBairns · 18/09/2022 23:24

CakeWarrior · 18/09/2022 23:13

She is manipulative, draining and has no respect for you or your own life. She is the type of person whereby if you give an inch she will take a mile. Personally, I wouldn't send messages saying you are busy and will catch up soon - as you are leaving the door open and will continue to be bombarded by her. I would just block by phone and social media. It sounds harsh but you say you have repeatedly told her about your own family commitments to no avail - so nothing is likely to change her attitude to summoning you x

You are absolutely right. I've given the odd inch here and there, and she has taken miles.
I feel quite overwhelmed with how much she wants from me.

OP posts:
Thepossibility · 18/09/2022 23:26

I'd drop her like a hot potato.
Time spent with her is time away from your children and your friends.

Original poster
JockTamsonsBairns · 18/09/2022 23:28

artificialhells · 18/09/2022 23:07

Can you contact your mutual friend and ask if she has any advice/ experience? As it sounds like she has been in a similar situation.

i have been also and my sympathies to you - it is very very hard.

I would suggest being really clear about your boundaries: ‘I’m sorry, I can’t come round and help anymore. I am taking a break from our friendship so I can concentrate on my other commitments. I wish you all the best.’

She might be upset for a while. She will probably lash out and ask for explanations etc but you have to ignore these unfortunately. You will have to come to terms with the fact that she is going to have a low opinion of you, and that can make you feel terrible too. You have to sever the relationship, and sadly there is no way of doing this without her feeling upset. But it is not your responsibility to manage her emotions.

Thank you, I appreciate that advice.

I have since spoken to our mutual friend - but she's not a very empathetic person. She's been very much "see, I told you, didn't I"??

Yes, she did tell me. But I got myself in too deep too quickly 😔

OP posts:
Original poster
JockTamsonsBairns · 18/09/2022 23:29

Natty13 · 18/09/2022 23:16

My experience with people like this is that they are all or nothing. You either give them absolutely everything they want (all your time/money/energy) or they dont want to know. There is no middle ground.

I'm sorry to be so blunt and harsh here but if one of your own children were to pass away suddenly like happened to Pauline, would you not regret spending so much of your free time with someone like this? Wouldn't you want to have knows you enjoyed your time being a mum instead of running yourself ragged? I'm not saying that to guilt you, God knows we all wish we had more of ourselves to give to our kids with all the commitments of life, but to make you think. I see it day in day out in my job (healthcare) and wish I could turn the clock back for my patients' families so they could enjoy what they had while they had it.

Thank you. I need to hear blunt and harsh.

OP posts:
Disneydatknee88 · 18/09/2022 23:29

I've been in this position. I felt personally responsible when they started threatening suicide and became readily available all times day and night to answer their calls and texts. I slowly phased them out. Became less and less engaged. Left them on read for a little while. Stopped being so readily available and they stopped being so reliant on me. We now talk about once a month but there was a time I was calling them every day to check in.

Ijsbear · 18/09/2022 23:30

Adultchildofelderlyparents · 18/09/2022 23:14

Remind her that you are her friend, and not her carer. Explain again that you have a lot of demands on your time with work and family, and that you make as much time alongside that as you can for friendships, but you can't be available all of the time.

This is absolutely the best advice!

If she insists on more, and theres a high chance she will, then some sot of text like this: " I can only offer the friendship we had when we first met. Since you are looking for something much more full time that I just can't offer I need step back. I wish you the best of luck"

She's obviously had a horrendous time but she needs far far more help ghan you can give, and you really wnt be the 2nd, or even 5th, person who's had to sever ties.