Can someone help me with a tricky friendship issue?

[JockTamsonsBairns]

I've got a difficult friendship issue going on, and I really need some advice as to how to handle it. I'll try to keep it concise, but also try not to drip feed.

About a year ago, I met a woman through a shared interest, and we got on really well from the outset. Let's call her Pauline.
Pauline and I spent a bit of time together initially, and she shared her back history with me quite early on. About 8 years ago, one of Pauline's children died as a result of a RTA and, a year later, her DH committed suicide.
Obviously, this is absolutely hideous for her, and I offered emotional and practical support as far as I was able to.

Over the next few months, our friendship grew, and I was visiting her at her home a couple of times a week (she lives a 40 minute drive from me).
At one point during this time, a mutual friend contacted me and gently and tactfully warned me about Pauline, saying that she was manipulative and that I should tread carefully. I discarded this advice, as I hadn't seen any hint of this myself.

It's relevant to mention that Pauline is a wheelchair user, and I was taking her into town for her shopping and general errands. I was also taking her dog out for regular walks as she wasn't able to do this herself.

Fast forward to about 6 months ago, and the dynamic started to change. Pauline started to phone me throughout the day/evening, asking me to come over to hers more frequently, saying she was lonely/needed some shopping/taken to the hairdressers etc.
I've explained to her quite a few times now that I can't spare any more time than I already do - I work full time (shift work), I have 3 DCs, and I barely have any time to myself.

Over the past month, the situation has worsened. Pauline texts/rings me daily, saying she needs me to take her into town, or that the dog needs taken to the vet, or that she has a hair appointment.

I genuinely can't commit to this. I don't have time to make hair appointments for myself, and my shift pattern means I don't spend enough time with my own children. I haven't seen my own friends for months.

Two weeks ago, things came to a head.
Pauline sent me a message saying that she wanted me to commit to two days a week where I'd be able to take her out. I replied to her, saying that I get two days off a week, and that I need to do my own stuff - just general household things, and spending time with my family.

That night, at 1am, I got a reply from Pauline, saying that if I can't even commit to at least a day a week, then she might as well not be here, and that she has enough medication in her cupboard to end it all.

I replied to that message, just saying that I felt that it wasn't fair to put that on to me, and I advised her to contact her Community Psychiatric Nurse, who she is known to.

Pauline continues to contact me almost daily. I generally wait a day or two, then reply that I'm really busy these days and can't commit to anything.

I'm not sure if I should be more direct with her. I'm mindful that her life has been pretty shit over the past few years, and I don't want to cause her any further hurt. I don't want to ghost her, but my viewpoint isn't getting through to her.

I received a message from her an hour ago - "Hi, I haven't heard from you and I need a catch up. You said you would contact me but again, you didn't. Please reply asap x"

I don't know what to do. I don't want to hurt her, but I need to extricate myself from this.

Sorry, this is really long.

This actually made me laugh.
Thank you. I know I need to be more direct. I'm just feeling a little scared that I seem to be the only person she has.
She's told me she has 5 siblings, none of whom are in contact with her. And she has no friends.
So many red flags 🤦‍♀️

I’ve known a Pauline many years ago and my experience was the minute I put boundaries in place ( which was me going to visit family and ignoring her calls and texts ) they get fed up very quickly and move onto someone else . You’re not a friend in her eyes just a commodity they only care about what they can get out of you.

Who was doing all the things you've been (hairdressers, shopping, dog walking etc) before she involved you? She was managing somehow. I know you had good intentions, but in most friendships, especially very new ones, there is nothing like this degree of dependency, perhaps in the case of sudden illness or bereavement things step up, but this is not the case here.

She is not a friend because friends do not exploit each other. You have been exploited. There's not need to ghost her, send a final text saying that you are unable to accede to her unreasonable demands, wish her all the best, BLOCK. She coped before she met you and will cope afterwards.

You have only known her for a year. You don't really know her. She sounds very draining and manipulative. You need to protect yourself immediately by cutting all ties with her. Her disability is irrelevant. Sorry to be blunt but for all you know, she might be the reason her husband took his own life and not the loss of their son.

Threatening to kill herself because you won't do as she demands is pure wickedness.

She'll attach herself to someone else eventually. And when she does, you might end up being the one offering warnings.

You need to cut her off, people like this only get worse, there is no half way house with them

Message back saying your circumstances have changed and you are no longer able to assist, you are very sorry, and you wish her well, and block.

You're right, she's not a friend in my usual interpretation of the term.
I don't actually know who was supporting her prior to my meeting her a year ago.
I do know she was quite involved in the church, and there were some volunteers taking her into town - but that seemed to dry up pretty sharp after I arrived on the scene.

She clearly has some severe mental health issues, but I'm just not equipped to support her through them.

You are spending so much emotional energy trying to protect her feelings. I can guarantee that she does not care about yours. She is using you and doesn't want to let her free carer go. That's all there is to it. She doesn't care about you. I'm sorry.

"I'm supposed to be your friend not your skivvy! I'm busy with my own life sorry but I think I need to take a step back."

If she threatens to top herself, call the police to do a welfare check she'll not do it again.

Yes, it's only been a year, but I've been sucked right in to a situation.
I think the fact that she's disabled and a wheelchair user has drawn me in even further. It's not just the emotional support she needs, but that she needs me to take her out into town.
I've spoken to her about doing an online supermarket shop, but she prefers to go to the store in person. I do understand that, I'm the same.
But I can't be responsible for taking her for her weekly shop, in amongst every other commitment I've got going on.

Send this reply (from your post above almost word for word)

Hi Pauline, I'm sorry but I can't continue to help you. I know you are going through hell with losing your son, and your husband and I thought I could support you emotionally as a friend, but I now realise I'm not in any way equipped to give you the support you need. I wish you well for the future

I've actually started to realise that she doesn't care about my life/commitments at all.
I've been giving the message for the past 4 months that I'm busy, can't commit, got personal stuff going on - but none of that registers with her. She just doesn't hear it.

I'm glad I started this thread. I know that I haven't been direct enough, because I've been wary of her unpredictable mental health.
I'm going to look back through the thread, and take the advice given.

Thank you so much, I like this.
I think I'd want to be a bit more general though, and not mention her son and husband?
She never talks about them to me, so it feels a bit uncomfortable to bring it up in my text.

Given that she is manipulating and emotionally blackmailing you I wouldn't be too sure that she has had a son and husband that have died. I think that story is how she reigns people in then once she has them emotionally invested the emotional black mailing, not to mention the emotional abuse (threats of sucicide) begin. Honestly, I would just block her on all channels because this level of emotional blackmailing/abuse/manipulation is going to get worse.

Oh my goodness, you poor thing! She’s taken complete advantage of you.

To end it fairly but firmly, how about… ”I tried to be your friend, but it seems you need a carer, and I can’t support you in that capacity. I have my own responsibilities in life and work that need my attention, more so now than ever, so would appreciate if you could stop making demands on my time. I’ll notify your support worker and hope they can give you what you need. Take care.”

She’s not your responsibility 💛

I've googled her husband, and found that he did indeed commit suicide. I haven't got any information about her son, she doesn't talk about him and I haven't probed.
When I first met her, she told me that her son was killed in a road accident - but I don't know anything further to that. There are photos around her house of him as a young child, but I don't know anything of the circumstances and I haven't wanted to ask.

How about:

Hi Pauline. To be straight with you, I can’t continue to help you.
Initially I thought I could offer emotional support as a friend but I have since realised that I’m not equipped or available to offer the level of involvement or support that you are looking for. It is for this reason that I am now stepping back. I wish you well for the future. Jock.

Don’t say ‘sorry’. Sorry I can’t help you. Sorry but I’m not able. You’re NOT sorry. You haven’t done anything wrong. Most people don’t exploit, manipulate and threaten their friends. YOU’VE been wronged.
You can be polite and to the point without apologising.

I was in a somewhat similar position to you OP. There is no way but to cut xontact - from experience give them an inch they take 10 miles. I wouldn't go to her again, just sens a message saying you realise she has had a hard time but you need to concentrate tratw on your own family now. If she threatens suicide tell the police for a welfare check, don't respond. You won't get rid until you block her...

This sounds like a perfect response, thank you.
I need to stop feeling like I'm responsible for her. I've got it into my head that she's been abandoned by everyone - which is why I've got myself entangled into this mess.
But I can't keep up with what she needs from me.

Oh god, I needed to hear this.
I think I just need permission to back away, if you see what I mean?
I don't want to hurt her, but I naively got myself tangled into her life - and I haven't known how to get out of it.

She will receive the message badly, I know that. But, she's not stupid, she must know that I've been pulling back from her for months now?
That's the bit I don't really get. I've been giving off detached messages for months now, but she still persists.
If it was me contacting someone, and I got a vague response, I'd back off straightaway.

Pauline please delete my number and contact social services and see what help is available, because I'm
not!

Well she has put a fair amount of time and effort into making you feel obligated. She's not going to relinquish that control easily. She already knows you're trying to shake her off so she's hanging on.

You have been a good friend. Don't feel guilty.

This is spot on. She lives alone and isn't able to work. We are both a similar age, I'm 49 and she's 55 - but she seems to have no concept of what a busy life looks like.
I'm not unusual - I'm just a mum who works full time, with kids, and an elderly parent. I try to make time to meet up with my own friends - but we're all in the same boat, so it's nigh on impossible to find a date that all of us are free.
My job involves shift work, so I'm constantly juggling sleep/housework/kids, as well as trying for some down time.
Pauline asking me to commit to seeing her two days a week feels utterly insane.

Pauline asking me to commit to seeing her two days a week feels utterly insane

Because it is!

I have a very needy friend who sings a bit similar and I had to be very boundaried. We spend a half day together once a month. She can phone in an emergency and also for a quick chat. It is exhausting.