Can someone help me with a tricky friendship issue?

[JockTamsonsBairns]

I've got a difficult friendship issue going on, and I really need some advice as to how to handle it. I'll try to keep it concise, but also try not to drip feed.

About a year ago, I met a woman through a shared interest, and we got on really well from the outset. Let's call her Pauline.
Pauline and I spent a bit of time together initially, and she shared her back history with me quite early on. About 8 years ago, one of Pauline's children died as a result of a RTA and, a year later, her DH committed suicide.
Obviously, this is absolutely hideous for her, and I offered emotional and practical support as far as I was able to.

Over the next few months, our friendship grew, and I was visiting her at her home a couple of times a week (she lives a 40 minute drive from me).
At one point during this time, a mutual friend contacted me and gently and tactfully warned me about Pauline, saying that she was manipulative and that I should tread carefully. I discarded this advice, as I hadn't seen any hint of this myself.

It's relevant to mention that Pauline is a wheelchair user, and I was taking her into town for her shopping and general errands. I was also taking her dog out for regular walks as she wasn't able to do this herself.

Fast forward to about 6 months ago, and the dynamic started to change. Pauline started to phone me throughout the day/evening, asking me to come over to hers more frequently, saying she was lonely/needed some shopping/taken to the hairdressers etc.
I've explained to her quite a few times now that I can't spare any more time than I already do - I work full time (shift work), I have 3 DCs, and I barely have any time to myself.

Over the past month, the situation has worsened. Pauline texts/rings me daily, saying she needs me to take her into town, or that the dog needs taken to the vet, or that she has a hair appointment.

I genuinely can't commit to this. I don't have time to make hair appointments for myself, and my shift pattern means I don't spend enough time with my own children. I haven't seen my own friends for months.

Two weeks ago, things came to a head.
Pauline sent me a message saying that she wanted me to commit to two days a week where I'd be able to take her out. I replied to her, saying that I get two days off a week, and that I need to do my own stuff - just general household things, and spending time with my family.

That night, at 1am, I got a reply from Pauline, saying that if I can't even commit to at least a day a week, then she might as well not be here, and that she has enough medication in her cupboard to end it all.

I replied to that message, just saying that I felt that it wasn't fair to put that on to me, and I advised her to contact her Community Psychiatric Nurse, who she is known to.

Pauline continues to contact me almost daily. I generally wait a day or two, then reply that I'm really busy these days and can't commit to anything.

I'm not sure if I should be more direct with her. I'm mindful that her life has been pretty shit over the past few years, and I don't want to cause her any further hurt. I don't want to ghost her, but my viewpoint isn't getting through to her.

I received a message from her an hour ago - "Hi, I haven't heard from you and I need a catch up. You said you would contact me but again, you didn't. Please reply asap x"

I don't know what to do. I don't want to hurt her, but I need to extricate myself from this.

Sorry, this is really long.

@JockTamsonsBairns very thoughtful, kind and tactful. I hope it does the trick without further incident ...but...be prepared. As suggested by @DFOD I suspect a sudden emergency may be in the offing.

@DFOD did remind me of a period back in the summer. It was just as I started my new job. I'd been being quite noncommittal with her about when I could visit - naturally, I was doing an induction week, and hadn't yet received my rota.
I received a WhatsApp message from her on the Sunday (before starting my new job on the Monday morning) saying that she'd been "rushed into hospital" on Friday evening, was admitted to ICU, and had "nearly died".

This was the turning point for me, and the point at which I confirmed to myself that things weren't right.
Ok, I'm not medically trained, but I've been a HCA for many years - and the timeline felt odd to me.

I asked her what she had been diagnosed with, but she claimed she hadn't been told.
She was back home by the Tuesday afternoon - so it seemed unlikely that she'd been through such an acute medical trauma, only to be discharged 72hrs later.
Like I say, I'm not a doctor, so maybe it's possible. I don't want to cast judgement on things I know nothing about - but it did feel a bit off, that she'd had a near-death experience on the weekend I was starting a new job, got discharged very quickly, and she didn't seem remotely curious as to what the diagnosis was.

Well yes.
Your message to her is so diplomatic, I’m quite impressed. With any reasonable person they would undoubtedly read it as the polite brush off it is, retain their dignity and back off. I don’t that will happen with your woman there. She has spent a lot of time cultivating the dynamic you have and in my experience (yep, been there) manipulators and fantasists will up their game in an attempt to hang on to it.
Like DFOD says, be prepared for drama, crisis or general bullshit to ensue, at which point you’re going to have to engage Blunt Mode.

Also, be prepared for her to leave you alone for a while & then contact you again. Sometimes these people think they can just give you a bit of a rest before things get back to normal (in their eyes). Because it's all about them & what they want, & they don't realise that their victim has grown & changed & is not going to put up with it any longer.

Sometimes they find someone else for their purposes & go quiet while they have them; then when they lose the current victim, they may get back in touch with previous ones.

I don't say this to worry you, because if it happens (& it may not) you will probably be in a different place & will find it much easier not to give in & give up your own wishes/life. But keep a print-out of this thread, perhaps, or write down how you feel now, & if she contacts you sometime in the future, read it & that will remind you what it was like, & what it would be like if you went back. It's easy to forget after a while (which is good in one way).

Can you tell I've been there, done that? A few times, in fact.

Your message to her was great, though as you say, you may need to tell her you won't be seeing her again. All the best.

I received a WhatsApp message from her on the Sunday (before starting my new job on the Monday morning) saying that she'd been "rushed into hospital" on Friday evening, was admitted to ICU, and had "nearly died".

Oh that's so familiar. Brings back bad memories of the very close relative.

That bullshit about "nearly died" was one of my turning points too where I took a step back emotionally and starting the process of no longer being the puppet on the end of the string of her endless need.

Your message is fine and sets the tone for severing ties but just be prepared that you will probably need to reinforce your intentions when she replies. Also be prepared for some manipulation to draw you back in but deal with that as it comes. There's a good chance she isn't going to let go easily and there will be some sort of huge drama or trauma where she desperately needs you to drop everything and be there urgently. You can do this being kind to yourself without being unkind to her. Eventually she will realise any possible manipulation tactics she resorts to are not working and start moving on to the next person. When that happens you might find your own character being assassinated behind your back with stories to other people about how dreadfully you have treated her etc. Just be strong because she may well take a while to move on. In my case I was able to maintain a friendship which is on my own terms now rather than the other person calling all the shots.

As horrible as this sounds, are her past tragedies genuine?

My partner had a work colleague like this, she took her under her wing because she felt sorry for her. She'd apparently had a tragic past and a close family member was terminally ill. They became good friends and it didn't take long for the controlling behavior to start. She wanted to spend more and more time with my partner, my partner felt trapped and started to distance herself from her, this is when the emotional guilt started.

By sheer chance through a friend of a friend, we discovered that this person was a compulsive liar and extremely manipulative. It wasn't the first time she'd done this and everything that she had told people was a lie. It was sickening.

My advice, cut her off because these 'friendships' can become very unhealthy!

Another manipulative tactic is being “nice” - buying you a gift - that you have to come and collect …. or sending you something that you have to respond to.

Be aware of trying to hoover you back by a range of tactics.

With my person, I believe lies were mixed with truth. So while it may be true her husband died, her son could be estranged.

Either way you've made the right call. She sounds exactly like my ex-friend.

I found that my one was telling different people different things depending on what she thought they would believe. But the most difficult part was the engineering of disasters so that you would always be needed and found it impossible to walk away.

Oh, yes, I had that too. Didn't take me long to cotton on to the fact that she never wanted mutual friends alone together, presumably so she wouldn't be sussed.

My counsellor helps me a lot with this.see attached.

after dealing with abusive parents wanting please and never being able - I feel into rescue mode with my friends. It was only when I stepped by I realised that I was gaining nothing from the friendship that it was draining and making me Ill / unable to spend time with those I love or feel enrich.

I often fall into rescue mode and not a coach mode - I don’t want friendship in the rescue mode at all and not really the coach mode either. It’s fine if a friend had a one off blip or on going problems as long as it is not draining me constantly, pushing my boundaries or making me unwell.

i had a friend and for 30 years have been her rescuer ever single time I phone I listen to her drama for an hour. She never ever asked about me. Visits to me where on a whim, arranged and then cancelled sometimes on the same day when I had cancelled stuff. I realised that I can’t impose boundaries as she doesn’t respect them and whenever I did there was a drama eg hospital that was then used to reel me in. Just no. So I told her why and I stepped back I don’t return calls etc my life is a whole load better. These people often drive others away and being an empathetic person you feel for them. If a friend had a serious problem that’s different but they have to get support from themselves and professionals if needed not you.

Oh dear. I had a Pauline. In fact your Pauline could be my Pauline’s identical twin. In my experience, she will try and suck you back in and when she fails to do so she’ll become vengeful and spiteful (watch out if you have mutual friends!) before suddenly detaching herself from you and latching on to the next person kind enough to take pity on her. Don’t worry about upsetting her because you won’t, you might enrage her but she’s already shown you she doesn’t care about you and your life so you can’t hurt her. If she persists after your text, block her and move on. Name change because, years on, my Pauline still gives me the Fear.

I appreciate your feedback re my message. I was worried that it was a bit insipid, and lacking assertiveness.
I feel like I've been conditioned my whole life to consider others' feelings before my own, and I'm finding it difficult to break free from that.
I now realise that's something I definitely need to work on.

I have really backed off with my messages to Pauline over the past 4 months, to the point that I've been really quite vague and non-committal - to the point that I've deliberately taken a few days to reply. Like the coward I am, I was hoping she would read the signs and back off herself - but it's had the opposite effect. If she doesn't hear from me immediately, she's either 'worried', or has an urgent situation.

Now that I've taken the first step, I feel a whole lot braver in keeping with momentum.

Thank you so much. I'm so glad I started this thread, to get some affirmation that I'm not in the wrong.
I feel a bit stupid that I've somehow got to the age of 49, and still not been able to assert my own boundaries - but I know that comes with the territory of never having been taught them, so I'm just starting to learn them now.

I'll be on my guard for what happens next.

“I have since spoken to our mutual friend - but she's not a very empathetic person. She's been very much "see, I told you, didn't I"??”

^Well she's got a point. You chose to believe some random woman you had known for months .

As I said before, her husband's suicide is definitely genuine. At the time, she lived in the next village along from where I now live.
It was really quite gruesome at the time.
I'll spare the details, as it's not appropriate, but I got the story from Google - and it must have been truly awful for her.

As for her son, I don't have any details at all. She gave me signals in the early days that she doesn't want to talk about him, so I've respected that and never asked.

That's a fair point, and one I'm now reflecting on.

I'm so sorry you've been in the thralls of Pauline's sister! It doesn't give me any comfort to know you've been in the same boat though.
Thankfully, we don't have any mutual friends at all - other than the one who initially warned me about her in the very early days.
That's my saving grace, I suppose. Pauline lives a 40 minute drive from me, so our life circumstances are very separate.

It's a good message. Well done.

Just keep strong. You have been clear and kind. Now focus on you.

Great message!