Can someone help me with a tricky friendship issue?

[JockTamsonsBairns]

I've got a difficult friendship issue going on, and I really need some advice as to how to handle it. I'll try to keep it concise, but also try not to drip feed.

About a year ago, I met a woman through a shared interest, and we got on really well from the outset. Let's call her Pauline.
Pauline and I spent a bit of time together initially, and she shared her back history with me quite early on. About 8 years ago, one of Pauline's children died as a result of a RTA and, a year later, her DH committed suicide.
Obviously, this is absolutely hideous for her, and I offered emotional and practical support as far as I was able to.

Over the next few months, our friendship grew, and I was visiting her at her home a couple of times a week (she lives a 40 minute drive from me).
At one point during this time, a mutual friend contacted me and gently and tactfully warned me about Pauline, saying that she was manipulative and that I should tread carefully. I discarded this advice, as I hadn't seen any hint of this myself.

It's relevant to mention that Pauline is a wheelchair user, and I was taking her into town for her shopping and general errands. I was also taking her dog out for regular walks as she wasn't able to do this herself.

Fast forward to about 6 months ago, and the dynamic started to change. Pauline started to phone me throughout the day/evening, asking me to come over to hers more frequently, saying she was lonely/needed some shopping/taken to the hairdressers etc.
I've explained to her quite a few times now that I can't spare any more time than I already do - I work full time (shift work), I have 3 DCs, and I barely have any time to myself.

Over the past month, the situation has worsened. Pauline texts/rings me daily, saying she needs me to take her into town, or that the dog needs taken to the vet, or that she has a hair appointment.

I genuinely can't commit to this. I don't have time to make hair appointments for myself, and my shift pattern means I don't spend enough time with my own children. I haven't seen my own friends for months.

Two weeks ago, things came to a head.
Pauline sent me a message saying that she wanted me to commit to two days a week where I'd be able to take her out. I replied to her, saying that I get two days off a week, and that I need to do my own stuff - just general household things, and spending time with my family.

That night, at 1am, I got a reply from Pauline, saying that if I can't even commit to at least a day a week, then she might as well not be here, and that she has enough medication in her cupboard to end it all.

I replied to that message, just saying that I felt that it wasn't fair to put that on to me, and I advised her to contact her Community Psychiatric Nurse, who she is known to.

Pauline continues to contact me almost daily. I generally wait a day or two, then reply that I'm really busy these days and can't commit to anything.

I'm not sure if I should be more direct with her. I'm mindful that her life has been pretty shit over the past few years, and I don't want to cause her any further hurt. I don't want to ghost her, but my viewpoint isn't getting through to her.

I received a message from her an hour ago - "Hi, I haven't heard from you and I need a catch up. You said you would contact me but again, you didn't. Please reply asap x"

I don't know what to do. I don't want to hurt her, but I need to extricate myself from this.

Sorry, this is really long.

I think I'd agree you might have to cut contact altogether with her. Unfortunately to these people everything is about themselves and their own needs, you are just a commodity. She's not interested in your life or personal stresses. Her main interest is in herself and her own needs and in how she can get you giving all of your time to her. These people tend to thrive on having everyone else rallying around them. As you're now aware you are not her first 'friend', the others backed off too because of her endless demands and it really is endless. There's really no compromise with them. I wouldn't give her a long explanation either because it will give her something to question and interrogate. Keep it short and sweet and don't be drawn into the whys or what fors, make it final.

You wouldn't believe some of the things I saw. My friend would repeatedly give people her bank card and PIN number then when money got taken she'd revel in all the drama of us all rallying around her and the police giving her loads of attention but In the end the need for constant attention was insatiable and no human could possibly give her the amount of attention she craved.

People emptied her bank account several times and every time you helped her get a new card, she'd do it again under the guise she'd made a terrible mistake but would never do it again. She did it another 3 times. Eventually I could see there was a pattern with her doing more and more extreme and dangerous things to get any sort of attention she could. The demands for attention if anything only got worse and worse until I put a stop to it for my own sake.

Once she gave her bank card to a local gangster and he took all her money and started intimidating her to stop her going to the police. Of course she ran to me distraught that she'd made a terrible mistake again. It was me who confronted him and made it clear he wouldn't need to worry about her going to the police because I'd do it myself if he ever went near her again. She promised me she had never spoken to him since. Lo and behold after getting me unwanted attention from the local thugs, who did I catch knocking on his door offering him her bank card again and asking him to go to the cash point because she didn't feel well and didn't want to go out??

I never really thought at the time why I had allowed myself to be drawn into all the drama and attention but it's not something I'd allow to happen again. I'm even prepared to drop contact again if our recent blip does become a backwards step to the bad old days. In my case it was grounded in mental illness but it started exactly the same way with endless demands for every second of my time and attention to the point she was sucking me dry.

Let us know how it goes when you make your decision. You may find you need to talk again as the chances are she won't make it easy for you to walk away. Most likely there will be some huge drama engineered to that you can't leave her yet be Aude she's got no one else to help her etc..

“Pauline, I am not your employee. I will not respond to repeated demands for my time or resources anymore. I tried to be your friend but you have no interests in me as a person or respecting any of the boundaries I have attempted to make. You need to learn the difference between a professional career and a friend. I’m no longer available for either position.”

I'd agree 'Pauline' isn't a psycho. It sounds like she's struggled for a very long time indeed, probably going back before her son and husband died, and she has through her difficulties ended up very self - centred and unaware that she is sucking others dry. Unfortunately she's not self-aware enough to see that there is a -reason- everyone steps back from her and then do something about it. If she's had professional help and is still following the same pattern she may be unwilling or unable to change. It's very hard when you are dependent but you cannot just expect another person to become your unpaid permanent carer.

Pauline's had it too hard for too long, but that doesn't mean you have to sacrifice your life. You can't, anyway. Your children need you more - and you are entitled to spend your time as you wish, not as she wishes.

We each only have defined and finite emotional resources, time, energy and headspace each hour, each day and each week.

Be aware of your personal capacity, conserve it for for your own functioning and fulfilment and decide who and what are your priorities and then how and when you will allocate your emotional resources.

Every time you prioritise Pauline and give to her - you take (or deny) emotional resources and time from you DCs, your friends, your parent, your career and yourself.

Also she actually needs resources and skills that you don’t have - eg MH support, social care support. You would be doing her a favour to signpost her to appropriate services where people are trained and skilled to help her.

That’s a very spooky story about the loft! so bizarre, it has to be true.

OP, you sound like a kind, intelligent and sensitive person. I think you deserve a better ‘friend’
xxx

I had a Paul - an elderly man who knows my brother - who was very demanding of my time, wanting to come round to get help with something that would "just take ten minutes" and still be there an hour later. He was clearly very lonely, but he just didn't seem capable of understanding that as a working single mother, I didn't have huge amounts of spare time to devote to him.

Then he had the opportunity to me a good turn and he chose not to. I was already halfway to heartily sick of the constant imposition and this caused any remaining scales to fall from my eyes. I lost my temper and told him what I thought of him and then ignored all attempts to reel me back in. Life's a lot less stressful with no Paul to accommodate.

You need to harden your heart. The Pauls/Paulines of this world aren't interested in you other than for what you can do for them. If you committed to two days a week, she'd want three - she dresses it up as asking for what she needs in terms of help when in fact she's simply increased the minimum amount of help she can legitimately feel you owe her.

I'd tell her straight that you're stepping back because she's added emotional blackmail to outrageous demands on your time, physical presence and attention and you have simply had enough of it.

Somethong I always say when I, or any of my friends, are doubting themselves is this: stand back and look at the evidence.

Yes, the cold, impartial evidence.
For a start, the friend gave you a heads up that Pauline should be avoided. Secondly, none of her family want anything to do with her. Why would everyone come to the same conclusion? Thirdly, your own internal radar is telling you that something is wrong. These three aspects of this situation should be enough to convince you that you are under no obligation to be controlled by this woman.

Once someone starts using emotional blackmail, things cross over into a different realm. Once manipulation starts, friendship ends. Once someone starts trying to control you, you can be sure they don't care about you.

You can care about someone, pity them, forgive them, love them even, but you don't have to tolerate their abuse. Once somebody priorities their needs over your liberty and rights to your own life, they are creating a kind of master/slave dynamic. You are well within your rights to withdraw from that kind of a set-up.

I am so sorry for you. You were a wonderful, kind friend and she has taken your friendship and ruined it. She is a stupid person and probably quite mentally ill to be doing this. But it is not your problem to solve.

Personally, I would say you cannot engage with her and you wish her well. If she threatens anything tell her to ring the Samaritans.

You have been kindness itself and she has treated you badly.

"I feel awful for her, I can't change that, but I don't have the ability/time/resources to make her life better"

You feel awful because you are a kind person.

Focus on the second part and keep it as your 'mantra' - 'I don't have the ability/time/resources to make her life better"

Then go and make your own life better - you deserve it.

I knew someone like this. I lasted 4 months before I bailed.

Be aware that the thing with her son and husband MAY be a lie for attention. She sounds very similar to my person who suffers from a personality disorder involving lies.

And if her tragedies are real and deep (assuming so) it may well explain her behaviour (trauma) but it doesn’t excuse it.

Even more reason to sign post her to professional emotional / psychiatric help.

You're a kind and generous person, OP. I feel for you, because yes Pauline is unhappy and needs help, but you cannot meet all her needs, and you could die trying. It sounds as if she has a bottomless pit of sadness and need.

If you (or any other PP?) know of any agencies or charities that could help, you could pass those on to her - or pass her name on to them if she will allow that. Also, any groups or other contacts were she could make friends through eg shared interests? And would AgeUK (if she's old) or one of the disability charities be able to send someone to assess her needs and give her some help? Or your local council social services?

You've already been giving far more than anyone could reasonably expect. But that is why people like Pauline will target you. And I do feel for Pauline, but she has to find a better way of meeting her needs.

Incidentally, I once had a friendship slightly like this. She wasn't disabled but was incredibly needy and demanding. Luckily she got very nasty when I tried gently to step back a bit. Luckily, because though she did me some bad turns, that made it very easy for me to cut off contact!

If you committed to two days a week, she'd want three

Yes, exactly this.

Which OP has already done. Here endeth the responsibilities.

So many lovely posts over the past couple of days, which have been so helpful to read. I can't tell you how much I appreciate these words.
It's nice to hear that pp have described me as being 'lovely' and 'kind' - I do feel those attributes, and I try to be thoughtful towards anyone I meet, even regardless of their history or reputation.

That said, I'm definitely guilty of giving too much of myself, and I know I need to work on that. It's going to involve undoing a lifetime of unhealthy conditioning though, and I'm not going to resolve it on this thread.
My emotionally abusive mother said to me this afternoon, "oh, you'll attach yourself to any waif and stray to make yourself feel good".
She's half wrong and half right. I do have a tendency to try to reach out to people who are hurting, but I don't think my motivation is "feeling good"? More like I feel a lot of hurt myself, and I want to step in and try to cushion others from feeling hurt?

Sorry, I'm not very articulate, and I'm probably not describing this very well. Also, I acknowledge that my own past is something for another thread (not that I'm going to make one!).

To get back to the Pauline situation, I got a couple of messages from her on Tuesday, then another couple yesterday - just asking when I was planning on coming over, as we "needed a catch up". I didn't respond, not actually deliberately - but I've been doing a mixture of double shifts and night shifts over the past week, and it was my son's birthday yesterday.
Anyway, I got a message from her at 4pm-ish this afternoon, very short and straight - "Getting worried now. Message me and let me know you're ok".

So, I've bit the bullet and replied. I know it's not perfect or hardcore but, like I said, I can't bring myself to be dismissive or cold, or whatever. This is the best I could do....

Hi Pauline
Everything is absolutely fine, no need for you to worry. I'm loving my new job, but it's incredibly emotionally demanding - notwithstanding the night shifts which are playing havoc with my body clock.
I know that you are desperately keen for me to visit, and that you are feeling let down at the moment.
I've taken some time to think about things over the past couple of weeks, and I've come to the conclusion that I'm not able or equipped to meet your needs, or to be the person that you need or want me to be.
Trying to juggle full-time shift work with family commitments isn't easy, but I now need to prioritise my children and my own emotional wellbeing.
I've realised that taking on too many roles has left me spreading myself too thin, so I need to sort that.

Hope you're ok,
(Jock)

I know it's not as direct as most pp have advised, but I'm hoping it's enough that she gets the message?

Just to confirm, I can verify the account of her husband's suicide. It was local news at the time.
I don't know any of the circumstances surrounding her son's death - she's never volunteered any information other than the very basic information, and I haven't wanted to ask.

OP I think your message is perfect, and from the heart. Well done.

I totally get the comments from your mum. My parents used to tease me about being drawn to "wounded ducks" (?!?). Yet they deeply ingrained in me the desperate need to rescue wounded ducks!

Mad hey. Congratulations on making that move. I know that to say it goes against the grain is an understatement. Hopefully this sort of boundary drawing will get easier with practice. X

That’s a great message - well done to you.

I suspect she will either huff and puff or keep silent - both tactics to punish you or engage you further.

Or the other classic is “an emergency” - expect a “health scare” or “urgent issue” - don’t rise to it - sign post her to professional services.

I am not surprised that you have an emotionally abusive mother - people pleasing, rescuing and/or co-dependency is a common reaction. But it’s not healthy and is an avoidance of looking at your own inner pain which if you don’t do will erode you from the inside out.

Now Pauline is sorted. What are you going to do about that emotionally abusive mother ? How are your boundaries and are you emotionally protecting yourself?

Oh my god, my parents did exactly this. I grew up being encouraged to consider that there are 'wounded ducks', and that we should create a society where those very ducks are included and supported.
Baffled as to why my mother got so angsty when I befriended an actual real life wounded duck 🙄

Oh god, stop being so perspective 🙈😂

@DFOD you have hit so many nails on the head in that one post it's unreal

I've just reread my message to her, and noticed that I hadn't made it clear that I don't intend on seeing her again.
A 'normal' person would pick up on the tone, but I've probably left a door open. I'll wait and see what she replies with, and ramp up my next message.

I realise that this is a real time example of how my boundaries and assertiveness are off.

That is a good message.

Well spotted.

But don’t worry you will get the opportunity to be clearer - I doubt you will have to wait very long…..

Just have a short sharp sentence ready to bat back - on repeat.

If she asks you to do x or claims emergency y - just say something like.

No I am not able to help with that.

Don’t worry about being blunt - she is and I suspect many others have been blunt with her in the past.