Can someone help me with a tricky friendship issue?

[JockTamsonsBairns]

I've got a difficult friendship issue going on, and I really need some advice as to how to handle it. I'll try to keep it concise, but also try not to drip feed.

About a year ago, I met a woman through a shared interest, and we got on really well from the outset. Let's call her Pauline.
Pauline and I spent a bit of time together initially, and she shared her back history with me quite early on. About 8 years ago, one of Pauline's children died as a result of a RTA and, a year later, her DH committed suicide.
Obviously, this is absolutely hideous for her, and I offered emotional and practical support as far as I was able to.

Over the next few months, our friendship grew, and I was visiting her at her home a couple of times a week (she lives a 40 minute drive from me).
At one point during this time, a mutual friend contacted me and gently and tactfully warned me about Pauline, saying that she was manipulative and that I should tread carefully. I discarded this advice, as I hadn't seen any hint of this myself.

It's relevant to mention that Pauline is a wheelchair user, and I was taking her into town for her shopping and general errands. I was also taking her dog out for regular walks as she wasn't able to do this herself.

Fast forward to about 6 months ago, and the dynamic started to change. Pauline started to phone me throughout the day/evening, asking me to come over to hers more frequently, saying she was lonely/needed some shopping/taken to the hairdressers etc.
I've explained to her quite a few times now that I can't spare any more time than I already do - I work full time (shift work), I have 3 DCs, and I barely have any time to myself.

Over the past month, the situation has worsened. Pauline texts/rings me daily, saying she needs me to take her into town, or that the dog needs taken to the vet, or that she has a hair appointment.

I genuinely can't commit to this. I don't have time to make hair appointments for myself, and my shift pattern means I don't spend enough time with my own children. I haven't seen my own friends for months.

Two weeks ago, things came to a head.
Pauline sent me a message saying that she wanted me to commit to two days a week where I'd be able to take her out. I replied to her, saying that I get two days off a week, and that I need to do my own stuff - just general household things, and spending time with my family.

That night, at 1am, I got a reply from Pauline, saying that if I can't even commit to at least a day a week, then she might as well not be here, and that she has enough medication in her cupboard to end it all.

I replied to that message, just saying that I felt that it wasn't fair to put that on to me, and I advised her to contact her Community Psychiatric Nurse, who she is known to.

Pauline continues to contact me almost daily. I generally wait a day or two, then reply that I'm really busy these days and can't commit to anything.

I'm not sure if I should be more direct with her. I'm mindful that her life has been pretty shit over the past few years, and I don't want to cause her any further hurt. I don't want to ghost her, but my viewpoint isn't getting through to her.

I received a message from her an hour ago - "Hi, I haven't heard from you and I need a catch up. You said you would contact me but again, you didn't. Please reply asap x"

I don't know what to do. I don't want to hurt her, but I need to extricate myself from this.

Sorry, this is really long.

Well that's because it is insane!

I have little to add beyond the replies before mine, only that this friendship is utterly one sided and as has been noted - you're a friend, not a carer!

Time to end it.

Oh OP, I really feel for you. I would feel so panicky and overwhelmed under this much pressure. I wanted to add another voice saying that you are absolutely okay (and right) to detach from this situation, that she isn't your responsibility, and that you sound like a really lovely person.

I can only think that the reality is most likely that there have probably been many "you"s before you - an ongoing stream of people she's befriended, and then overwhelmed, who have had to step away. I'm not saying that to make you feel bad about backing off but to say that she'll have been through it before and she will again, because what she needs is just not something that most people can (or should) offer. You've given her what help you can offer (and more than you could reasonably have been expected to!) but it's okay to back away now. You can't give her the help she needs, and it isn't worth dragging yourself under for, because it simply won't ever be enough. She needs professionals - carers, most likely psychological support, and people trained to help her. This is no longer a healthy two-way friendship, it's one sided and worryingly dependent on her part. Spend time with those you love and know that you are absolutely doing the right thing here

This seems very strange. She’s not your responsibility and the fact she tried to emotionally blackmail you by threatening with milking herself is abusive

Totally off point @GobbolinoTheWitchesCat but I loved that book as a child and when my neighbours got a black kitten with a white paw I bought it for their little boy - mum said he loved it too 🐈

Pauline is a psycho.

Block Pauline, send all messages to her community nurse/GP/ requesting that a professional deals with Pauline.

Absolutely no further contact. This will not be Pauline's first time. You will not offend her.

It sounds from your posts that this lady has behaviours associated with conditions like EUPD. She is being very unfair to you, but if it is that she probably is someone who finds it really hard to work out relationships and boundaries rather than is trying to be actually nasty to you. Detaching gently makes sense, perhaps you could ask the church to get back in contact with her as a team of volunteers can share this load and be more boundaried rather than it all falling on one person and being so Intense.

That's because it is insane. Under what circumstances would a genuine friend insist that you commit to seeing them - let alone twice a week! This is not a friendship, she sees you as a carer and obligated to her demands. It's beyond insane.

You sound like a lovely person who just wanted to help, and she sounds like she saw you coming.

You've had loads of good advice as to how to remove yourself from the situation, put yourself and your family first, rip off the plaster, send the message then stop replying to her and enjoy the peace that will return to your heart and your life. Good luck, I know it's not easy x

Go full detach here. No half way house as she is highly manipulative and demanding.

You work full time, have 3 kids and an elderly parent to juggle - you must be at the end of your rope already.

Friendships are reciprocal, mutual, kind, respectful, fulfilling and fun.

Choose better friends.

Choose to use your freed up time and headspace on yourself and your DCs - for fun, rest and relaxation.

Send a firm sharp note to end completely. You are not the first or the last. Expect her to kick up a storm - weather it briefly - if it escalates contact her MH team.

Feel proud for doing your best - but more so for getting out and giving your DCs their Mum back.

I seem to be the only person she has.
She's told me she has 5 siblings, none of whom are in contact with her. And she has no friends.

Well, I can't think why!

She's conned you. She will be getting DLA presumably for a carer to take her shopping but she's just getting you to do it. No bloody wonder she's never out the hairdressers!

Regardless, she's not your responsibility. You've known her for a very short time and she doesn't even treat you nicely.

Concentrate on your own busy life and children.

She’s not your responsibility but I think it’s a bit harsh to say she’s manipulative and calculating etc. she’s clearly very unwell and can’t cope. hopefully health services will help her to sort out a carer / social contact etc.

Let's face it OP, this is not a "tricky friendship issue" because it's not a friendship issue. I can't help thinking of Lou and Andy in Little Britain!

I posted earlier saying I moved house and changed telephone number to escape this sort of "friend" - I just want to clarify: I didn't move house just because of her (that would have been something of an overreaction!) ... I just realised when moving house that there was no need to let her know my new address, or to respond to all the messages she kept leaving (this was back in the blissful days of landlines and answering machines). It's funny how I had to harden myself against the compulsion to "look after" her despite not even enjoying her company!

Good luck!

Jesus op thats awful. You need to be firm say your work hours changed you wont be able to commit to x days. I find you get none of your own stuff done

She is not a psycho ffs

She is disabled (not “disabled” like many people claim to be), traumatised, lonely and possibly unwell.

She’s not in the relatively luxurious position of looking for a friend, she needs carers and a family. OP, if you want to be a true “friend” you can offer some specific care in a strictly boundaried time/way - expecting little in return - otherwise you can step away. A typical give and take friendship where you chat about your lives and holidays and hobbies won’t apply here.

This woman has had a lot of tragedy in her life, but she is not your responsibility.

I had a similar situation in which a friend's husband died suddenly, then her oldest daughter died by suicide. We all rallied around her, offering her emotional support, helping out physically and financially, for a year or so after the tragedies. She then began to depend on some of the friendship group, for ongoing financial

Yes you can only do so much. I find if you oblige once.. the list starts

You are actually right here. The only sort of message she will understand.

That mutual friend that warned you, have you spoken to her since?

Has this woman really lost her daughter and DH!
?

Manipulative leech

I don't think she sees you as a friend. She sees you as unpaid help.

That should make it easier to extricate yourself.

Yes it's unfortunate (her life) but she's crossed the line and taken it to a level that is both unmanageable and not within the friends remit.

SHE has placed you in a difficult situation.

You can continue but maintain your boundaries or walk away.

I would ghost her personally.

I’d be honest.

this friendship is not working for me and hasn’t been for some time. I have my own family, friends, career and life.you have been treating me as your carer and have threatened and coerced me into doing things I am not comfortable with. The friendship had run its course.

that’s it. Any threats to commit suicide phone the police and ask them to do a welfare check and block her.

you owe your children to be there

This!!!

Then block and get on with enjoying your life.

OP,

You have received great advice here.

I found @pictish's particularly entertaining and on the money😁.

You were never a friend but a target.

You allowed vanity sway your better judgement, ahead of a mutual friend giving you a great heads up.

No family or other friends?
They have long since been burned and run.

Irrespective of her undoubtedly awful tragedies, I suspect she was always demanding and high maintenance.

Send a version of one of the excellent messages and block.

You were never her friend, you were merely useful in your naivety.

Learn from this.

I had exactly the same situation with my next door neighbour. Son died in a RTA - husband died shortly after we moved in.

We were initially very supportive and tried to help. However she’d call me 8 times a day - or if we did a job for her - she’d continually find fault - just to keep the contact up.

We’ve managed now to not be on her radar. And sadly it was by ignoring phone calls, ignoring notes etc.

Of course we’d help in a desperate situation, but there is a difference between that and being used. It’s not your job, and you have your own family to support.

Threatening to harm herself is absolutely not on and unfair. I’d report it to adult social care/the police.

Good advice from PP's. I also noted that you said that "one of her children" died in a RTA. So she presumably has others?

Where are they in all this? Why is she so dependent on you? That alone would be a red flag to me.

I had this with a lady I met through work

im a total people pleaser and she knew this

im a trained hairdresser on the side and it started with a haircut once a month

it ended with her demanding to know my shifts,if I went to see my in laws or adult children,if I wanted to nip out anywhere-do anything in my own life-she’d just pop round for me to do stuff for her and she’d give me hell if I wasn’t in

i was at work one day,and she came in to see me,but I was upstairs-and didn’t see her
she went merry hell with me for lying-but I was at work!

another time,my shift got cancelled at 10am and she went in at half 12pm,found I wasn’t there and had a go at me as I hadn’t told her-she was ranting that I HAD been free that day and she had a list of stuff for me to do but I hadn’t done it for her as I was meant to be at work

i backed right off when she was rude to my lovely mil-who’d just lost her husband of 50 years and didn’t deserve that

I haven’t seen her since but I have heard she’s latched onto others