My ex is stopping money for his now 'independent' autistic son.

[placemats]

Bit of a mix here, but I know that if it was posted on AIBU, I would get roasted.

So my ex is now stopping payment for my autistic son because he's 21 and of an age of independence. The reality is he still needs me to cook a hot meal for him, get him to appointments and travel hundreds of miles to see his partner.

He's got a one off child payment which amounts to £2,500 now he's 21 because of a child savings we set up when he was born - obviously it was a post university account but our son didn't go to university. He lives with me, I support him day to day. The household has an income of no more than £10,000 a year, but I do own the house. Ex has a household income that is above £100,000 a year.

I just feel this is unjust and he should pay until our son is fully living an independent life. Am I being unreasonable to request that he keep the not very substantial monthly contribution on? I find it most egregious given the cost of living crisis.

Why are you not answering straight questions?

The EHCP won’t necessarily remain until 25, or 26 in some cases, the LA could cease to maintain before then. Although you/DS could appeal the decision.

Happy to help isn’t the same as taking your place for decades so you can leave

You are responsible, you do need to get it together rather than leave them to it

Yes.

Yes.

They don't want to rock the boat.

We are family and we do take care of each other. Not just popping in twice a month to check everything's okay
This is where your thread is confusing @placemats
Your OP was clear that you feel you have reached your limit of caring.

Hi

i think you need to focus more on your sons future and support and less on whether your ex should pay . I get why you feel you’ve been left to deal with everything, but focus on accessing other support.

if he is still ECHP has anything been said about transition from children to adults support ?

Has anyone linked you to any organisations and support such as National Autistic Society or local carers centre .

Google carers and support for your local area, there will be a voluntary sector group and they can give you advice and support .

Social care assessments are not based on diagnosis but on need . So the assessment will look at his needs . Not the diagnosis .

These links should help explain the process :
www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/social-care/social-care-england/assessments-and-care-plans

www.carersuk.org/help-and-advice/practical-support/getting-care-and-support/needs-assessment

Also check out the main websites for these organisations

www.carersuk.org

www.autism.org.uk

If your son was assessed as needing SEN support at school and had an ECHP, there should be a plan to transition to support as an adult which can also look at heIping him become more independent, supported housing etc .

contact.org.uk/help-for-families/information-advice-services/social-care/moving-into-adult-services/

Here is a helpline you can contact re transition

www.autism.org.uk/what-we-do/help-and-support/transition-support-service

I really would focus on looking at what support your son can get and not your ex. In some ways if he keeps paying its keeping things as they are and that isn’t what your son needs , or you. If he can get support and live somewhere with help, that frees you up in retirement and you can still all be in his life .

His sisters might be happy to help. But what happens if they or their partners become disabled?

When you say your household income is 10k a year surely you mean your own income

Your son will be entitled to various benefits and/or UC if he is not working.

Has he had a care act assessment and have you asked for this, if not why not?

What questions do you want me to answer?

Feel free to DM me.

I'm not going to DM you. That's creepy.

So your advice is to stay calm and carry on. Oh and when I die, pass on the care to my daughters and their partners, who by the way love their brother and are happy to help. They are are also happy to fund care for me if I ever need it. We are family and we do take care of each other. Not just popping in twice a month to check everything's okay.

That not my advice @placemats . My advice is to get your DS an urgent SC assessment in the first instance (and time is of the essence), be totally honest on how his ASD is affecting his life and independence on his worse days. Then get the outcome of the assessment written to his EHCP detailing the independence skills he needs support with. Then look at a college which offers that or get him into supported living asap.

You’re doing him no favours relying on family. Their circumstances might change or they may not cope in the future.

I expect DS’s 3 sibs will look in more than twice a month! He’ll be a part of their life but living separately as an adult and his care needs won’t be on them.

It's valid until then. I feel I'm attending a PIP assessment on behalf of my son.
I'm sorry if you feel under interrogation but it's just some of your answers are unclear.
No EHCP can be described"valid" till he's 25.
You haven't said what his current educational provision is and that eoukd br helpful because they will be instrumental in planning for you ds's future

Could you perhaps tell us a little of your sons support needs ?

I get £6,000 per year income. I'm including other benefits on top of this. I've used up all my savings. The extra £4000 comes from his dad.

She's not belong creepy. There are questions being asked that she doesn't want to answer publicly. That's sensible. She doesn't want to be identified.
Answering then by PM is generous of her, not creepy

People are asking you why do you feel your soon is your ex husbands or your daughters responsibility but yoube already had him 21years so you've done your part?
People are asking why you are against finding your son an assisted living placement?
People are asking what your longterm plans for your son are?
People are asking why you arent answering many of these questions.

What is it you actually want for your family and for your son?

How do you think other disabled adults live? Their parents don’t support them forever.

Your family sounds amazing, OP. I'm really glad for you that you have their support.

In an ideal world, him having a supported living place, but with lots of visits to and from his siblings and you, would be perfect.

I would have been one of the first to say that his siblings shouldn't have to take him in. But it does genuinely seem like they want to. And frankly you sound perilously close to breaking. So if the whole family determinedly fighting for him to get every benefit he's entitled to and a supported place, doesn't work, I'm not going to give you grief for taking up the offer.

Quote
@CharlotteRose90
you wanting to swan off and leave him with his sister is just as bad as his dad leaving him
End quote

This is an appalling thing to say to a mum who is burnt out after caring for her child with autism for 21 years - giving up her career and probably plenty more to do so.
You should apologise to the OP.

Lots of appalling language on this thread with talk of "dumping" and "burdens". We are talking about a person. A person with challenges yes but a much loved family member.

I work at a short breaks service for adults with learning disabilities and many of our clients live fulfilling lives with siblings. These arrangements can be life long until illness or death forces a change or can transition to Shared Lives arrangements (which seems to be like a family foster placement but for an adult) or supported living arrangements.

If someone is living with their sibling their placement can be supported with short breaks (respite) e.g. the client might have a regular short break each fortnight or come once in a while if family go on holiday, and can also be supported through day centres or activities such as farms/garden centres/cafes which offer supported placements.

I think there may be financial support for the household but I'm not sure but OP and her daughter should look into it. (ask social worker)

I agree first step OP is to request a social worker and get them to help you look into housing options including what your son wants and if he wants to live with your daughter (and she is still happy to go ahead) and funding options available. If your son would like day activities, one on one support to engage in activites or supported work then ask for help to get him this.

Also in response to previous suggestions your daughter is not committing to forever. Hopefully the placement will be successful for all but if it stops working for any parties then the other options are back on the table. It might be at some point your son wants the independence of his own place even if it is with support.

giving up her career and probably plenty more to do so.

Is the expectation the daughter should do the same and give up her career and more?

Op this thread is strange and you have an unusual and evasive communication style.

the picture you have painted is -

you ex husband is a high earner who has remarried and has more children.

you are a very low earner.

You have not clarified why you aren’t working full time.

You haven’t clarified what level of independent your son has.

you are very angry and bitter about your ex as you believe he should cover living expenses for your son and he has stopped now that the adult son is 21.

your long term plan is that both your daughters and their partners will live with you and your son and will collectively support your son. This will continue for your sons life. So your daughters are tied to being carers for the next 60 plus years.

your daughters will not have children.

I don’t think that is a great plan for anyone. I assume you daughters are still relatively young and their lives could change. They want to help - of course they do - but this restrictive life sounds awful. You are such a low earner that they will be supporting you and your son. They won’t have their own homes - divorce, pregnancy, job changes could all throw this arrangement up in the air. Their whip adult lives will revolve around you and their brother.

I couldn’t do this to my children. I am sure your ex is horrified - I would be in his shoes.

That's very helpful. Thank you.

To be honest, I want to sell the house and move on. I'm 61 years old. I get Universal Credit, I have carer's allowance, but this is taken from UC as it's deemed income, it give's me an extra £10 per month. I work when I can, but this is also taken from the Universal Credit - so far this year I have earned £470.

@placemats UC is 77/wk, CA is 69(and some pence)/wk so you'll still get 8 UC/wk. You'll also get Carers Premium (163/m) on top of standard element. You shouldn't lose all your earnings either, taper rate is 55%. No work allowance unless you have LCRWA or other children, granted. If you aren't getting Carers Premium, you need to raise this via your journal asap

She probably only works part time to care for her son

I was just going to say this more or less

Very frustrating OP with mixed and contradictory answers which are also vague.

I get the sense this man has been infantilised and prevented from reaching his full capacity and there is a strange view of obligation and expectation yet bitterness about that too.

As I said he needs a care act assessment and I suspect that OP should find a part time job to develop herself a bit more too.