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Original poster

DIL stepping back from us

310 replies

redkitesatnight · 16/09/2022 12:24

Hi, not posted before but read mumsnet for years. After some advice please. I have 3 sons - 1 engaged and two single. This is about my son who is engaged. We have always liked his fiance, she can be a bit OTT sometimes and dramatic but my son loves her very much and we have always welcomed her, and she has always played an active role in the family. However since the strat of this yr she has taken a noticeable step back in the family. Less keen to be involved in family things. When visiting she is 'working from home' on weekday visits and sits up in room 'working'. She has twice criticised one of my sons to me when they have upset their brother (my son who is her fiance), when I just leave my sons to it and don't see harm in it. It stems from when my eldest split from his wife who she was close to. It got messy but I stood by my son, as any mother would. My DIL is still close to his ex and I think she is influenced by her. I'm worried what will happen if they have children/will she end up making my son distant from his family? WHat can we do to help matters.

OP posts:
NorthYorkQueen · 16/09/2022 15:05

I work from home. I absolutely cannot just pop and have chats with family when I’m not on calls. When I’m not on calls I’m actually doing the work I need to be doing that’s no doubt been discussed on the ‘calls’! I actually am shut away all day working from home. It is what it says ‘working’.

LimpBiskit · 16/09/2022 15:10

I wouldn't worry about building a relationship with her. She'll be leaving your son and your toxic family pretty soon I think.

Guiltycat · 16/09/2022 15:13

Fuck me, you sound like a nightmare MIL. She’s done well to put up with you so far.

Blindly supporting your sons doesn’t make you a good mother, in fact it makes you a rather bad one. She can spot a mile off exactly what kind of ex-mil you’d be thanks to how you’ve treated your eldest’s ex. She has probably decided building a relationship with you isn’t worth it as you’ll turn on her in a heartbeat.

If they have dc you will probably moan that her parents get to see them more and fail to see what part you played in that.

Halli2020 · 16/09/2022 15:14

I have stepped back from my parents in law but mainly because they can be very offensive and have caused problems so I'd rather not deal with them. Also, maybe she is dealing with other things, maybe she is depressed or suffers with her mental health. Just a thought.

Thatboymum · 16/09/2022 15:24

In the same sense that I couldn’t just have you show up to the office and have a short chat with you I also can’t just come down and say hello while I’m at home working whether I’m on a call or not my work monitor my every system move(banking) so I guess you would perceive me as rude but I’m not, I feel so uncomfortable when people come into my home when I’m upstairs during work hours, I think there’s probs more to the story if she’s being distant tho and if she is supporting the ex wife then that’s fine too.

KassandraOfSparta · 16/09/2022 15:36

redkitesatnight · 16/09/2022 12:37

@arethereanyleftatall my other sons do proper jobs out of the house. only she and my middle son can do this 'working from home'. SHe finds it easy enough to stop working if she has to go to an appointment my son tells me.

You are on the wind up, aren;t you? Or a reverse.

because you "don't understand" her job, probably because you've never bothered to ask, you don't think it's a proper job.

SuperCamp · 16/09/2022 15:39

You can still love your sons unconditionally and be there for them while recognising that they have behaved badly / cheated / not been a good partner from their wives’ pov.

You have no right to decide who your DIL should prioritise or be loyal to, if she is supporting her distraught friend…. Who might still be faaaamly if your Ds had behaved better as a husband.

Start showing some respect for your DIL’s work, stop acting like some sort of tribal dictator.

thing47 · 16/09/2022 15:39

Yes, OP is one of those people who doesn't really grasp the concept of working from home, I think. It's surprisingly common irl. The fact that she thinks it's 'rude' for DIL not to stop work and come and say hello is a giveaway.

I've been working from home for a decade but you would rarely hear me on a call because I'm not in sales and the vast majority of client contact is done via email as it's in the interests of both parties to have things in writing. So I might be writing, or reading (research) or even just sitting thinking! But I am at work, I'm not free to just stop and go and make small talk.

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 16/09/2022 15:45

I agree with pp. my DH spends most of his day on calls. I don't but my job requires me to be at my desk and concentrate. Any kind of disruption and I could make a mistake or forget something. Also my teams says I'm 'away' after a few minutes so I would be asked what I'm doing. Why would you pop round when people are working

Bluetrews25 · 16/09/2022 15:45

How can OP have been here for years and not picked up (like I have) how not to be a MIL no DIL would want?
Note to OP - it is possible to remain on good terms with both sides of a couple who have split up. (provided the split had nothing to do with you)

milveycrohn · 16/09/2022 15:54

I really hate this.. " my other sons do proper jobs out of the house".
Totally patronising.
When both my DS were working from home, I was very careful not to pop round, etc. They both work very hard, and just could not spare time away from their computer.

economicervix · 16/09/2022 15:55

It’s unhealthy to be so obsessed with people. Cultivate your own interests and hobbies outside of your kids lives. Try getting a ‘job’.

Livelovebehappy · 16/09/2022 15:55

I think this post is clearly made up. I really can’t believe some of the stuff I’m reading from OP. It’s very goady…..

10HailMarys · 16/09/2022 16:03

redkitesatnight · 16/09/2022 12:37

@arethereanyleftatall my other sons do proper jobs out of the house. only she and my middle son can do this 'working from home'. SHe finds it easy enough to stop working if she has to go to an appointment my son tells me.

If you were my MIL, you were talking about me and my job in the way you're talking about your DIL and the work she does, I would have stepped a lot bloody further back from you than your DIL has.

unicormb · 16/09/2022 16:09

I've drawn back from mine over the last few years because they literally offer me nothing but idle chitchat, and I cannot live my life talking about what Cousin Doris found in Aldi last week when they refuse to acknowledge any of the struggles and issues in our lives, preferring to just gloss over them with a breezy comment before going back onto the subject of Doris. They don't actually give a fuck, so they get politeness, nothing more.

LakieLady · 16/09/2022 16:10

redkitesatnight · 16/09/2022 12:37

@arethereanyleftatall my other sons do proper jobs out of the house. only she and my middle son can do this 'working from home'. SHe finds it easy enough to stop working if she has to go to an appointment my son tells me.

That's really fucking rude.

Loads of people do "proper jobs" at home. My late DP did the payroll for a police force from home, I've successfully represented people at benefit appeals from home, my friend is a probate solicitor and does most of her work from home - all "proper jobs".

If that's your attitude to her job, which is presumably paying a good chunk of their mortgage, bills and other living expenses, I'm not surprised she's distancing herself from you.

You sound really judgmental.

CanofCant · 16/09/2022 16:12

So your son cheated on his wife, I assume by supporting him unequivocally you probably treated her quite coldy and didn't acknowledge her pain. Now your other son's fiancé has taken note of this and decided not to prioritise a relationship with you as you clearly see your son's partners as interchangeable/disposable.

diddl · 16/09/2022 16:14

SHe finds it easy enough to stop working if she has to go to an appointment my son tells me.

Well yes-her appointments are probably important.

You are not!

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 16/09/2022 16:17

You sound like a nightmare MIL.

When she is working she is working. Not 'working' so she can 'pop out to say hi'.

Would you pop into her office to expect her to do this?

Leave the poor girl alone.

She has a job I do not understand

Well, maybe try to understand it then.

LakieLady · 16/09/2022 16:19

redkitesatnight · 16/09/2022 12:54

no kids no

No kids yet.

Your DIL may one day be the mother of your grandchildren. It's in your interests to cultivate a good relationship with her.

itwasntmetho · 16/09/2022 16:23

I wouldn't shit on my friend by sticking by the piece of scum that cheated on her and his misogynistic mother either.
I'd back away and be wary the mother.

Quweenie · 16/09/2022 16:26

This sounds toxic AF.

evilharpy · 16/09/2022 16:26

I work from home. I've been on a call for only maybe half an hour out of the day and have spent most of the rest of the day with my head down reading, digesting, researching and writing a report that will be read by the Board of a FTSE100 company. Bit disappointed to realise I don't have a proper job :(

And no, if anyone had popped round I wouldn't have been taking time out to chat either. I'd be incredibly pissed off.

GreySeat · 16/09/2022 16:34

Oh, I like how you assume when she’s not on the phone she’s not working. I hate to tell you that women do more than secretarial work these days 😂 To match your proper mans jobs for proper men your DH and sons have. You’re brilliant, tell me more.

Rewis · 16/09/2022 16:34

Has it affected your relationship with your son? Does he still visit like usual? Does he call Llike usual? Is she OK with the two of you communicating? Do you have a reason to believe she will stop you from visiting their kids?

If not, leave her be. She might not be looking to be part of a family. She might be happy to be just an in-law. It sucks if your family culture is different but you can't force it.