DIL stepping back from us

[redkitesatnight]

Hi, not posted before but read mumsnet for years. After some advice please. I have 3 sons - 1 engaged and two single. This is about my son who is engaged. We have always liked his fiance, she can be a bit OTT sometimes and dramatic but my son loves her very much and we have always welcomed her, and she has always played an active role in the family. However since the strat of this yr she has taken a noticeable step back in the family. Less keen to be involved in family things. When visiting she is 'working from home' on weekday visits and sits up in room 'working'. She has twice criticised one of my sons to me when they have upset their brother (my son who is her fiance), when I just leave my sons to it and don't see harm in it. It stems from when my eldest split from his wife who she was close to. It got messy but I stood by my son, as any mother would. My DIL is still close to his ex and I think she is influenced by her. I'm worried what will happen if they have children/will she end up making my son distant from his family? WHat can we do to help matters.

What was the reason for your eldest son splitting with his wife? If he was at fault but you've sided with him anyway, then I can get a good idea why this fiancee doesn't want a close relationship with you

That's ridiculous. Just because a Mother doesn't ci.plety disown her child in these circumstances doesn't mean she agrees with what they have done!

well you got my back up right there when you said about your other sons doing 'proper' jobs which seem to me that you see them better as WFH.

I WFH and do a proper job both outside and inside the home.

When I WFH I can quite easily spend all day on my laptop, working and then I have enough time to be able to make an appointment. Because I've barely had time for breakfast, cups of tea etc

Hmm. That really depends.

This She has twice criticised one of my sons to me when they have upset their brother (my son who is her fiance), when I just leave my sons to it and don't see harm in it. from the OP needs more explanation.

It may piss her off that you do not believe something she and everyone else knows/believes to be true? It may make her find it hard to trust you as if her partner treated her badly, you would side with him too. You have made it clear blood is thicker than water, I think she is wise to keep her distance.

I suspect she’s hacked off with how disrespectful you are of her working from home and your apparent inability to understand it’s still a “proper job”.

I also suspect she’s now witnessed how quickly you turn in someone who becomes an “outsider”, and it’s given her a view into the future.

Good luck to her.

Jeez OP I would be taking a huge step back from you too with your attitude. You sound delightful 🙄

That's ridiculous. Just because a Mother doesn't completely disown her child in these circumstances doesn't mean she agrees with what they have done!

But this mother hasn't just not 'completely disowned' her son.

She has called the ex a liar.

Blindly believed that her son has done nothing wrong at all.

Demanded that her DIL not prioritise being friends with the ex anymore, and wants her instead to side with her eldest son as 'family is more important than friends'.

Hardly shocking that DIL has decided that OP is not the type of 'family' that would be worth making an effort for.

Only read page 1 but can’t read any more as OP’s post are excruciating! Am assuming they are a troll, as how else can anyone possibly assume someone wfh can take constant breaks, or aren’t working if they aren’t on the phone? I spend much of my time wfh reviewing legal contracts, and a break in concentration could mean a mistake that costs my company a fortune! And when I have an appointment, yes I can arrange my work around it to an extent, by,
you know, using annual leave or catching up later…

She has twice criticised one of my sons to me when they have upset their brother (my son who is her fiance), when I just leave my sons to it and don't see harm in it.

This bit, I think, is especially telling.

The OP doesn’t ‘see the harm’ in her sons treating each other like shit. (Or treating their wives/partners poorly either). Indeed, she is upset at anyone challenging them on this.

But this son’s fiancée (and I’m going to guess the son to whom she’s engaged) thinks this isn’t ok. It’s a good thing that she’s going to speak up for and side with her fiancé.

I’m going to guess that the OP’s idea of her wonderful family with her perfect sons who are so close is entirely in her mind. No wonder the DIL is distancing herself from this shite.

Your DIL is actually facilitating your relationship with your son by travelling down on Thursday, even though this means she has to spend her Friday working away from her home/office, in an unfamiliar and less than optimal work setting. YABVU!

I suspect she sees his brothers treating her fiancé poorly, and their mother pretending it’s all just fine.

It’s probably not simply that she’s worried about her MIL dropping her like a hot potato, but also the lack of support her fiancé gets from his family too.

She sounds like the sort of woman who will hear nothing bad about her sons, but also sits there looking at really shitty, bullying behaviour and dismisses it as ‘just a bit of sibling rivalry’. Bless them.

In short, exactly the sort of MIL you don’t want to be close to. And don’t want to be a huge influence on any children you might have either.

You are belittling her job, which is bizarre really because it must be a good one because you can’t even understand what it is!

If she worked in an office would you expect to just be able to go in there and her sit with you? In my job when I’m on the phone is when I am least busy.

I don't believe he was. Isn't it in a mother's nature to believe their children?

Surely this can't be real?

I'm a mother and I don't think it's as simple as 'in a mother's nature' to believe their children. She is friends with the exDIL so I can see why she feels it is her business. That, combined with the awful comments about her 'working' do make me think that you are probably really hard to be around. You probably have made your dismissal of her job being a 'proper' one quite clear and you expect her to adopt the party line view on your son who may have cheated. I think if you want to be closer to her, stop trying to control the situation and start respecting her more.

Your future DIL is probably taking a step back from you cos you are toxic? That's how you come across anyway. Given your lack of insight, my advice would be the lay low. Your DIL already knows you don't see her as true family so best just to keep things polite and civil and keep your opinions to yourself.

Hopefully, the DIL-to-be runs the hell away from this situation, or she might be under the bus next.

It’s becoming apparent why your DIL may want to distance herself.
Please define ‘proper jobs’,?? how bloody condescending. I WFH and it’s definitely a proper job.
As for her having time for appointments why are you so begrudging?
Sounds like jealousy to me.

Ask her !I feel there is more to this story that you are not sharing
And I think the way you say “stood by my son, as any mother would.” Means your son made huge mistakes that you supported . As a mum to a bit and girls I don’t share your view . If my kids act wrong specially in something as big as a wedding then I’m sorry but I will call up in their mistakes

'Family should come before friends'
Loving your family doesn't mean that you have to support them in all their wrong-doing.

Loving someone doesn' t mean that you have to pretend that they have no flaws or that they are always right. You can even pick up on their bad behaviour - and lovingly hold them to account.

'Working from home'
This is really working. You wouldn't expect her to leave her office to come and make tea for you during her working day. She will be doing the same kind of work on her computer at home as she would in that office. She is accountable to her employer for time away from her home desk.

If you are a real MIL you do need to build some better bridges with your inlaws.

You have shown that they will be dropped instantly on the word of your sons. It will be hard for them to trust you or ever to be close in these circumstances.

Doing the best thing for your own children might mean being properly fair and unbiased. Accept that your son's wife might have a point or two. (Clearly your daughter-in-law thinks so; is her judgement so poor?)

Your son's fiance is a person in her own right OP. She has a job, which she sometimes does from home. She has her own opinions, some of which might be different from yours. She has her own relationships, including with your other son's ex.

It's nice that you see her as part of 'the family'. Maybe, if being part of 'the family' comes with expectations around how she should behave and what she should think and what relationships she should and shouldn't prioritise or continue, she isn't interested. It would certainly put me off.

You could start by stopping with the quotation marks around the 'working' and 'working from home'. Sounds like you don't believe she is working. It's disrespectful. If she is wfh, that's what she needs to be doing on a weekday and not taking breaks because relatives have turned up. You wouldn't turn up to her office so you shouldn't be turning up expecting to be entertained during her working week.

This is either a complete wind up or a reverse? On the slim chance it isn’t, sounds like you belittle your DIL job, and defend your cheating son . What job do you do yourself OP?

I feel sorry for your dil and ex dil. They are people in their own right.

In my family by marriage, we had a somewhat dark humoured 'joke' that we weren't the inlaws, we were the outlaws. (Especially me. I didn't come with connections and money. And I would call them out on their shit.)

It's kind of obvious that you have a lot less respect for your middle son, and as a result are disrespectful of their job, and okay with your middle son being hassled by his brothers. That would really grind my gears if that was the man I loved, as well.

You don't get to choose where allegiances for individuals lie. Your son, who is accused of cheating, is no more her family, than his wife. But his wife, who he is accused of cheating on, is very much her friend.

You don't have to 'understand' a job to respect it, and the person doing it. Try doing that. For both your son, and your daughter in law.

She sounds like a strong woman, with a lot of love and loyalty for her man, and with strong principles. Try respecting that, too.

Would you turn up at her place of work and expect her to come and talk to you?

I work from home and my parents know never to visit between 8am and 7pm. If I’m not on calls or zooms I am usually managing emails or writing papers. Sometimes deadlines are horrendous and I can’t stop to make small talk.

I know friends whose parents or in laws can’t seem to understand what it means to work from home. I am very lucky my parents aren’t like them (or you!).

A proper job? 😒And why would she not step away for a necessary appointment. Sounds like maybe she senses your attitude towards her and doesn’t like you. Can’t say I blame her.