DIL stepping back from us

[redkitesatnight]

Hi, not posted before but read mumsnet for years. After some advice please. I have 3 sons - 1 engaged and two single. This is about my son who is engaged. We have always liked his fiance, she can be a bit OTT sometimes and dramatic but my son loves her very much and we have always welcomed her, and she has always played an active role in the family. However since the strat of this yr she has taken a noticeable step back in the family. Less keen to be involved in family things. When visiting she is 'working from home' on weekday visits and sits up in room 'working'. She has twice criticised one of my sons to me when they have upset their brother (my son who is her fiance), when I just leave my sons to it and don't see harm in it. It stems from when my eldest split from his wife who she was close to. It got messy but I stood by my son, as any mother would. My DIL is still close to his ex and I think she is influenced by her. I'm worried what will happen if they have children/will she end up making my son distant from his family? WHat can we do to help matters.

Oh do FTFO OP. Your contempt for people who work from home is obvious by the way you refer to your other sons as having “proper” jobs. As someone who is self employed and worked from home even before Covid I’ve had this attitude from others to put up with and it’s infuriating.
you sound like you expect them to stop work and chat with other you when they come to stay despite it being a working day.
From what you’ve said I’d take a step back from you too, a very large one.

Ooooh. No way. I literally cannot believe what I'm seeing.

Why on earth should your cheating fiend of a son be more important to her than the friend he betrayed? You sound like the type of bitchy matriarch who expects family to close ranks and shun whoever you deem to be out of favour, regardless of who the villain is.

Now I've RTFT, I would advise your son's girlfriend to run, because fuck having you as a mother in law, quite frankly!

Wow, I work from home, I didn’t realise I didn’t have a proper job anymore - it’s exactly the same one I used go to the office for, I certainly don’t have time for visitors in the day, I’m not on calls either all day but I am busy working, if I have an appointment, I tell my boss and I can go, like I would if was in the office, not sure he would appreciate me popping off to entertain the in-laws because they decided to pop by, and I wouldn’t ask, I’d be telling you it’s not a convenient time. Although my in-laws think I just sit at a desk all day tapping computer keys so I get where you’re coming from, the fact that I’m part of a team that put multi million dollar contracts together which requires concentration seems to pass them by too.

How often do you see them ?
Feels like perhaps it is too frequent for your DIL and she's politely opting out of some of the visits.

😂I'd be hiding in the bedroom from you too OP!

This is a good reason for her to pull away from you. Your attitude is extremely disrespectful about working from home and their jobs. Working in an office doesn't mean a job is more meaningful or important. You can't just take breaks to say hi. You sit from 9-5:30 as if you are in an office and produce your work.

Good God your DIL is sensible

and good for her to be loyal to her sister in law after her husband was caught cheating

my SIL caught her DH cheating with a colleague and also prostitutes but my MIL won’t believe that of her “sweet boy”. But yeah, I am supporting my SIL too in this scenario

Blimey - you're a nightmare!

You disrespect her job.
It's not a proper job like your son's/husbands manual work (how patronising).
What do you do for a living @redkitesatnight ?
You want to dictate where her allegiance should be.
You say you automatically side with your son and your ex-dil (her friend) is a liar.

You've given a clear message that DiL's are disposable, not to be believed no matter what, that you don't respect their work and then ask AIBU and what you can do to improve the situation!! Unreal.

What do you think you need to do? It's pretty bloody obvious to me!

This is reductive and stupid. Of course family shouldn’t unilaterally come before friends, that’s the kind of nonsense they come out with in eastenders. it sounds like your son did cheat and she felt closer to his ex wife so has very understandably taken her side. Do you actually think she should distance herself from her because she isn’t “family” anymore?

Just look at the way you talk about her, it’s quite nasty and I cant belive that you dont give off these vibes in RL

she can be a bit OTT sometimes and dramatic

My DIL is still close to his ex and I think she is influenced by her.
I’m sure she’s able to make choices and judgements for herself, but influenced to do what exactly? Tear your family apart? All it sounds like is that she's stuck up for her partner when his brother's upset him.

I'm worried what will happen if they have children/will she end up making my son distant from his family?
You’re already casting her as the evil DIL who’s going to steal your son away. You're upset with her for a future that hasn't happened.

She has a job I do not understand so maybe not but as I say I think it's rude. She’s not being rude, but that was your immediate thought about her.

only she and my middle son can do this 'working from home'. SHe finds it easy enough to stop working if she has to go to an appointment.
Not only are you belittling her work you are accusing her of not taking it seriously by disappearing whenever she wants to and casting doubt on her motives.

none of my business and shouldn't be any of hers, she's invilved herself and I think thats caused nastiness.
You don’t get to decide whether it’s her business. You’ve already said she is close to this person, she should not have to stop caring about someone because you demand it. And you’ve accused her of causing nastiness. What nastiness? Sticking up for her future husband?

When we went to my pil house a few years ago for a meal, they sat “blood family” at one end of the table (my dh, his sister, her children and my dc’s) and “non-blood family” at the other (me, my bil and my mum).

My mil actually said blood family are down this end!!

It does make me reassess things a little, and realise that despite being married to her son for 20 years with 3x dc I am not really seen as part of the family and it made me also realise that I would be dropped like a stone if anything ever happened with me and dh even if it was his fault!

I can empathise with your dil.

I also disagree with you blindly supporting your ds without knowing the full story and hope you have spoken kindly of his ex or this will make you look very bad.

I think she saw how you threw your ex-DIL under the bus in favour of your darling boy and it's put a bad taste in her mouth.

You'd be wise to just leave her alone.

To be fair, you don't sound particularly nice yourself.

Am assuming this is a total wind up but in-laws (and indeed parents) thinking that when you are working at home you're not really working/don't have a 'proper' job has always been a real bugbear for me as a long-term (very successful) freelancer. My in-laws and parents sometimes 'pop in' during the working day and expect to be hosted and entertained, and won't just leave me alone in their office if I am ever at theirs during the week. And 'not understanding' DIL's job – I've always found THIS rude, frankly - I mean, just ask, show an interest?!

On the family front, I am good friends with my sister-in-law because we both have the same problems with the in-laws we have in common (and our husbands, who are brothers and are both difficult men thanks to the family dynamics) and it's very much a 'solidarity, sister' thing. I would always take her side if she split up with her husband after infidelity/bad behaviour, and vice versa.

But as I said, this can only be a wind-up.

and to add to my message above.....

I know (very well) a mother like you who believes their child's every bit of shit. I witnessed, first hand, on many occasions their kids nasty and vile behaviour, but she was having nothing of it, instead it was "not my precious little angel".

LaLaLa fingers in my ears -it never happened - nice.

you lost me at weekday visits and 'working from home'. You don't take her work seriously, why shouldn't she step back from you?

Stop saying "working"

She is working. Just because you are working from home doesn't mean you're not working. If she interacts with you on the evening, surely that gives you a clue that during the day she is working and can't come and chat to you.

Very well said @Gotmynewshoes 👏👏👏

Sounds like she sees clearly now that you don't see her (or your sons ex) as actual family. So isn't wasting her time on you anymore.

Your son cheated on his wife, you've taken his side and cut off the wife. She's seen that and thought "why bother?"

That's a very unreasonable expectation. Don't visit someone when they are working.

I “work from home”. I start before 9am and it’s totally flat out most of the time (I’m currently have a 15 minute lunch) and people who think it’s some sort of doss make me insanely angry. I run a 30 people department, do client work, manage multi-dollar budgets and do sales work. It’s HARD and no I wouldn’t be popping up and down for little chats with my MIL. I bet you ooze “working from home” vibes at her. Yuck

I “work from home”. I start before 9am and it’s totally flat out most of the time (I’m currently have a 15 minute lunch) and people who think it’s some sort of doss make me insanely angry. I run a 30 people department, do client work, manage multi-dollar budgets and do sales work. It’s HARD and no I wouldn’t be popping up and down for little chats with my MIL. I bet you ooze “working from home” vibes at her. Yuck

You sound like my mum - she thinks because I am not on a call or zoom meeting then I am not busy. She's acting completely normally for a 'work at home' person who needs to concentrate on 'work.'

As for her being friends with your DS's ex - that's not within your control so don't worry about it.

This ^...and 'proper' jobs makes me think that you need to rethink a few things and as per PP, I was also thinking that this must be a reverse

Does your son come down and spend ages with you whilst he is ‘working from home’? Or do you expect this only from your DIL?

I ‘WFH’ and some days I’ve barely got time to eat then back on calls/compiling reports/meeting deadlines.

I might be able to stop for a chat on some days but mostly I have work to do.

and your DIL probably is right to think your son cheated on his ex-wife. She can side with whoever she likes. Being your other sons fiancée doesn’t mean she’s not allowed to prefer people outside of your toxic sounding family.

I'm amazed she visits you much at all. I wouldn’t in her shoes.