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Original poster

DIL stepping back from us

310 replies

redkitesatnight · 16/09/2022 12:24

Hi, not posted before but read mumsnet for years. After some advice please. I have 3 sons - 1 engaged and two single. This is about my son who is engaged. We have always liked his fiance, she can be a bit OTT sometimes and dramatic but my son loves her very much and we have always welcomed her, and she has always played an active role in the family. However since the strat of this yr she has taken a noticeable step back in the family. Less keen to be involved in family things. When visiting she is 'working from home' on weekday visits and sits up in room 'working'. She has twice criticised one of my sons to me when they have upset their brother (my son who is her fiance), when I just leave my sons to it and don't see harm in it. It stems from when my eldest split from his wife who she was close to. It got messy but I stood by my son, as any mother would. My DIL is still close to his ex and I think she is influenced by her. I'm worried what will happen if they have children/will she end up making my son distant from his family? WHat can we do to help matters.

OP posts:
namechangedembarrassing · 16/09/2022 13:55

Parents who never believe their child has done wrong and take their side no matter what. Ugh you don’t realise but you make sh*ts out of your kids who think they can get away with anything! I had a friend who would tel the teacher off if her kid got detention because “he said he didn’t do it” he had, without a doubt, thrown pens around the room and drawn all over the desks with another lad.
honestly I’m very very close to my family but if my brother cheated on his wife you better believe we would all be giving him unholy hell and she would be reassured that under no circumstances should she feel pushed out of the family and we still love her and are there for them.
Yes we would still love him but tbh I don’t think I’d support him if he’d treated someone that badly

Coyoacan · 16/09/2022 13:55

Family should come before friends. My eldest is her family. His ex isnt anymore

But you've made it very clear that daughters-in-law are not family.

luckylavender · 16/09/2022 13:56

redkitesatnight · 16/09/2022 12:37

@arethereanyleftatall my other sons do proper jobs out of the house. only she and my middle son can do this 'working from home'. SHe finds it easy enough to stop working if she has to go to an appointment my son tells me.

Proper jobs out of the house. Stop this now. You are being so disrespectful. Perhaps you are the problem.

luckylavender · 16/09/2022 13:56

redkitesatnight · 16/09/2022 12:38

I don't believe he was. Isn't it in a mother's nature to believe their children?

It's naive

magma32 · 16/09/2022 13:56

The fact you seem to only have sons probably explains why you’re lacking in understanding that women also do work.

Minimalme · 16/09/2022 13:57

You know what op, I bet your son's fiancé has seen how you binned your DiL as soon as your eldest son told you what you wanted to believe and know knows you are a person of no loyalty or integrity.

I think you've already blown it.

luckylavender · 16/09/2022 13:58

redkitesatnight · 16/09/2022 12:51

I couldn't fall out with my sons for weeks no matter what happened. I want them to know they always have me. Surely people understand that whatevery happened between my son and his ex its none of my business and shouldn't be any of hers, she's invilved herself and I think thats caused nastiness.

But you've made it your business by taking his side

Quveas · 16/09/2022 13:58

Chattycathydoll · 16/09/2022 12:26

She might just be working.

It might not be helped by you saying she is ‘working’. When I wfh I couldn’t entertain guests because… I’m working.

This^^
I'd be very annoyed if you came across as calling me a liar. When I am working from home there are no inverted commas around working, and I would consdier it really rude to be calling around / visiting when someone is working. Would you drop in to her office if she was in the workplace? No, you wouldn't (I hope not anyway). So it is utterly unreasonable to expect her to stop working to entertain visitors. Perhaps your lack of consideration for her is obvious, and she is annoyed at it?

She is sticking up for her husband to be. That is fine and a good thing. Perhaps you should stop interfering in your ADULT children's lives, being so judgemental, and so narcissistic in your approach, and she might like you better. And perhaps your eldest son was in the wrong - responsible parents either don't take sides, or they take reasoned positions - sticking up for your eldest because he is your son is not good reason at all. If he is in the wrong, even partly, then he is.

Honestly, in her shoes I would be thinking that a job as far away from you as possible would be a great idea. You obviously despise her because she doesn't worship you and your demands, and if you continue to be that controlling MIL them you either lose both of them, or you will be the cause of their break up.

luckylavender · 16/09/2022 14:00

redkitesatnight · 16/09/2022 12:58

Family should come before friends. My eldest is her family. His ex isnt anymore.

That's actually very silly

LuckySantangelo35 · 16/09/2022 14:01

@redkitesatnight

not all of my family come before all my friends

I’m not one of those faaaaaaamily is everything types

and you do realise that working from home doesn’t make a job not a ‘proper’ one

Scout2016 · 16/09/2022 14:02

Maybe she's getting the sense that you only care about her while she is with your son. Because you've been clear her friend, your ex dil, isn't anyone to you anymore. If she has children with your son and they split up then she's going to know that she's instantly relegated in your values and that won't help with you seeing the grandchildren.

I don't see what's wrong with her standing up for her partner. You might try to be seen to sit on the fence about everything but no reason she should.

And you were bloody rude about her job on here, so I expect that comes across in person too. I really like my in laws but I would be pissed off to have to work from theirs just because my OH didn't want to travel on Fridays. That's not your fault I know but it might not improve visits. How often do they come? I'd be inclined to tell my OH to visit on his own rather than have to work elsewhere, so at least your DIL comes with him.

WeepingSomnambulist · 16/09/2022 14:04

You sound like a bloody nightmare and a really fuxking nasty, patronising woman who has no clue about the real, working world.

Imagine actually calling someone rude because they dont come down for a chat during working hours. She isn't out laying brick so she doesn't have a proper job?

Pull your head out of your arse and stop being so awful about her. She has a proper job. She has to be at work, whether that's in her office or at home of at your home of they're visiting feel the Friday for a weekend stay.

You do just sound awful.

And no btw, we dont all side with our sons no matter what. So dont hide behind that excuse with your cheater son.

Magicpaintbrush · 16/09/2022 14:06

I 'work from home' OP - as in actually WORKING. If anybody was as patronising and dismissive about my job as you have been about your DIL's simply because it's one she can do from home than I would never forget it and it would be a cold day in hell before I'd want to be around them quite frankly. She is probably picking up on your belittling attitude to her work and the fact that you think she can just drop everything to come and dance attendance on you and is rightly pissed off and irritated - I know I would be. It's RUDE. If you don't understand what she does then why on earth don't you show some actual interest and ask her about it??? It might go a long way if you show some interest instead of being so dismissive. Would her job seem like a 'proper' job to you if she travelled miles to an office every day to do exactly the same thing as she can do from her laptop at home???

Also, where your other son and his potential cheating is concerned, I think you have blinkers on there. You can still show love and support to your son without actually condoning any appalling behaviour on his part. But it doesn't sound like that's what you've done. I'd lose respect for you for that if I was your DIL - a lot of respect. She sees that you have washed your hands of your other DIL and assumes, rightly, that you would do the same to her no matter whether she had been badly treated by your son or not. It's hard to be close to somebody if you know they are capable of ditching you just like that.

WarmChocolateFudgeCake · 16/09/2022 14:08

Just because you can't hear her in a call doesn't mean she can just leave her desk and go and socialise because you decided to visit in the middle of the day. Why do people do this? If you worked in an office and your mil was out the front desk you couldn't just up and leave for an hour (unless you want to work the time back). Stop writing "working from home" in your posts as though she isnt working because she isn't sat in an office ffs!!

Of course your dil will stick up for her husband when he's falling out with his brothers, she's married to him! I assume your other son was cheating, if she was close to the wife of course she isn't going to get along with your other son now. You as his mother will obviously take his side, but there's probably a good reason she sided with the ex wife.

To be honest having read a handful of your posts and feel annoyed for your dil, you must be a nightmare to actually deal with.

Ponderingwindow · 16/09/2022 14:09

Very little of my job is calls.
my work requires intense mental focus.
I can miss work for an important appointment just like anyone else.
I can’t just wander about the house and ignore my work just because I happen to work from home.

if you have this kind of attitude towards your DIL’s career, you can definitely expect to see very little of both her and your son in the future.

Neilsfavouritechilli · 16/09/2022 14:11

@heldheldinadream has it!!

PatientlyWaiting21 · 16/09/2022 14:12

It would piss me off if family or friends came to the house whilst I’m working. It’s not being rude she’s working, I hate being interrupted!

PatientlyWaiting21 · 16/09/2022 14:14

redkitesatnight · 16/09/2022 12:37

@arethereanyleftatall my other sons do proper jobs out of the house. only she and my middle son can do this 'working from home'. SHe finds it easy enough to stop working if she has to go to an appointment my son tells me.

What’s a proper job? What do you think working from home is?! You sound totally unreasonable and if this is your attitude I’m not surprised she’s backing off.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 16/09/2022 14:14

‘I have three sons, two are single , one is engaged’ :no, not really. You have three sons, one is single, one is engaged and one is divorced.

It just goes on from there.

1984Yes · 16/09/2022 14:15

It sounds like you've done something - which you didn't understand to be offensive - but she does.

And she has withdrawn for that reason.

Maybe

Maybe not.

She could be a fruit loop for all we know and you're the sane one. We just don't know without anymore evidence to go.

MessyBunPersonified · 16/09/2022 14:16

redkitesatnight · 16/09/2022 12:58

Family should come before friends. My eldest is her family. His ex isnt anymore.

Your ex DIL was also your family at the time your son cheated on her.

Either DILs are family or not you can't change your mind to suit yourself.

Boysnme · 16/09/2022 14:18

redkitesatnight · 16/09/2022 12:58

Family should come before friends. My eldest is her family. His ex isnt anymore.

I have friends that are way more important to me than even some of my close family. You are wrong to think she should priorities your son over his ex, her friend.

SmallPrawnEnergy · 16/09/2022 14:19

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 16/09/2022 14:14

‘I have three sons, two are single , one is engaged’ :no, not really. You have three sons, one is single, one is engaged and one is divorced.

It just goes on from there.

As it any wonder they’re “single” … sounds like her DIL is the first one to willingly get herself entrenched with a nightmare family … poor thing.

Adventurine · 16/09/2022 14:24

You say you stood by your son, as any mother would.... but was your son at fault for any of the marriage breakdown? Did he have an affair? Was he abusive or controlling? Not just from what he's told you or what you want to believe- from what you KNOW.

Because if that's the case, the pull back you feel may be DIL not knowing how to redefine her relationship with a woman who supports the man who hurt her friend. I remember this being the case when I was with my ex. His mum supported her son even when she knew he had treated his wife like shit, slept with someone else and gaslighted her for a year, drove her to question her sanity etc. I just didn't want to talk to her and didn't know how to classify my relationship with her, because I knew that no matter what, her sons could do no wrong and I would always be the evil partner or ex partner.
(And I was. My ex attacked a woman and I'm the scumbag because I left and didn't support him)

Is this maybe the case for her?

idonotmind · 16/09/2022 14:24

'working from home'

😂

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