Husband has had an affair

[Pippa49]

Three weeks ago I found out from my 16 year old daughter that my husband of 20 years has been having an affair for the past two years with someone he met through work. He claims it to have been an emotional rather than physical relationship but has deleted all messages between them. They were speaking on whatsapp/text/phone daily, he was sending her flowers monthly and other expensive gifts with intimate and emotionally charged messages. I have found some of the receipts for the gifts but he is still being very secretive and claims not to have met her out of work and yet I have seen bookings for restaurants (which he claims to have cancelled)......I am all over the place and wondered if anyone has been through similar and has any guidance.

Oh god op. What are you doing , your own kids had to tell you? And you’re still pretending to believe it wasn’t physical , and you want revenge on her, what are you teaching your kids?

he’s having a full blown affair, he is to blame. Even your kids know. It’s time to accept it.stay with him if you must, but don’t do this, don’t pretend, don’t make it her fault

If he hasn't slept with her, does that change things for you? Will you forgive and forget? I think it would be very difficult to move past this, there are so many levels of deceit here.

Your children told you because they know it's wrong. Maybe before now they were hoping he'd end it and they didn't want to break up the family, however by telling you they're basically saying you should end it because he has no respect for you or your family unit.

How you respond to this will shape how your children respond in their own future relationships. I simply couldn't teach my children that this level of infidelity could be swept under the rug just because he didn't sleep with her, which he definitely has done, because why wouldn't he? He's clearly in love with her.

OP, it’s hardly surprising, but you’re clearly still in denial mode and obsessing and hand-wringing over trivial details like find-my-iPhone…

Your husband has spent (at least) 2 years lying to you and your family. He has spent 1,000’s of points of family money. Just think about that for a minute - years of deception and him fantasising about someone else and wanting to be elsewhere. Likely the only reason he isn’t with OW now is because it sounds like she’s playing him (and possibly others).

This isn’t a ONS / foolish mistake - irregardless of whether it was physical or not. Come on though, what man would spend that sort of time and money on an ‘emotional connection’- unless he is utterly vile / utterly deluded, in which case you have more to worry about.. Either way he’s clearly still lying because why not? Why admit more when he doesn’t have to? He doesn’t care if you’re falling apart - why would he? He’s not had to think of your feelings for years already.

You really should consider kicking him out - at least for a trial separation as you’ll never be able to think clearly with him around.

What he has done is unforgivable.

OP What's worrying me is that you seem so deeply unsure of your own feelings and opinions. Have you always been like this? Or would you say that you have become so?

Op I’d add her relationship history is irrelevant. Really stop focusing on her and some mythical silver bullet that you know full well you can never get as an excuse to pretend it’s not real.

please think of your children, they knew, deep down you must have too. You have the evidence. Take sone time, make a decision, think of your children and what you’re teaching rhem but deal with this with no pretence.

How can you all be so sure he is shagging her? He is adamant there was nothing physical. How will I ever know. And this is the horrible limbo world I am in at the moment, with a constant feeling of anxiety and physical pain.

It really doesn't matter @Pippa49 After the message with the necklace, he's shown you what he thinks of you. What a total bastard.

So sorry your are going through this op. I’m not sure if anyone else has said but the integrity your dd showed is commendable. You should be really proud of the daughter you raised.

Jesus.

Please leave this utter bastard and take every thing you can.

Get revenge on them both. Disgusting fuckers.
So sorry he has done this to you and your daughters. They sound like they've got your back. You'll be okay.

It will take time but he doesn't deserve you, you will get through it.

You don’t need evidence for divorce.

It’s time to direct your distress, and that of your unwillingly co-opted children, into positive action which moves your life on, and rescues your children from the awful position your husband has put them in.

Get financial advice quickly. He’s buttering you up to buy time.

Show your dd how no woman should be treated like this by kicking him out. How would you feel if a man did this to your dd? What advice would you give her?

No man spends 2 years buying gifts for a woman he’s not fucking and even if he wasn’t fucking her he’s spent the last 2 years in an emotional relationship with someone else, he’s obviously still lying about what was going on, why would you want to stay with him?

Absolutely this.

Do something constructive as it will help you feel more positive.

A good start would be taking all his clothes and other belongings and throwing them out of the window into the garden.

I can tell you it is very satisfying.

You don't need to have his stuff cluttering up the place. Or his psychological abuse in your life. Get rid of him, life is better without a lying, cheating husband. Much, much better.

Give him a chance OP. But if you don’t believe what he is saying now then weigh up how a break up could work out

Oh can we all please stop pandering to the OP's 'hope' that it was only emotional?! Even though (in my world) emotional can be far more of a betrayal - let's be realistic.

OP - you have several pages of responses here, and 99% of us believe they are shagging because they are ADULTS WHO HAVE BEEN IN A RELATIONSHIP FOR AT LEAST TWO YEARS.

They are adults who apparently celebrate 'anniversaries'. If they are not having any kind of physical relationship - what does the date signify? The first coffee?

I am desperately sorry that this has happened to you, but you have more silver bullets than most MNers who come on here saying their partner has been cheating. You have a gun cabinet full of them. The fact that he is following the script and is currently at page 2. Denial/minimisation should only add to your conviction to be honest.

You sound quite desperate to believe it can all somehow be ok, but unless you show resilience now - your marriage can never be ok. You accept his lies and bullshit and you will have a lifetime of this because it's tantamount to giving him permission to cheat. He will have NO respect for you ever and you will be on constand high alert for the next affiar. I'm sorry if this is harsh but it's the plain truth.

If you need to dig deep for strength, please think of your DD and the behaviour you model to her now.

I wish you the best of luck

This comment might hurt, so sorry. Just consider he may have taken 2 weeks to finish it with her because he may have been in negotiations to leave you for her. She may have said no and so here he is still with you. Been there got the tshirt, if he cant /wont cough up the evidence then I wouldnt lay alot of faith on what he says.

Be open to all of his bs. Take care.

The fact he’s been sending the OW gifts, thousands of £s worth, and leaving his youngest DD with the burden of having to tell her mother this …

I absolutely would not give this c**t a chance.

Dishonest and disrespectful of you and your relationship. I could never trust him again. I don't care if they've done anything physical or not.

Destroy Him

How dare he?
How dare he hurt you?
How dare he spend money on her?
How dare he leave your daughter in the position where she had to tell you he was unfaithful?
How dare he minimise and lie to you about what he has done?
How dare he give his time and attention to her, for two years (or more)?

OP, it's not going to go right. Even if you suck it up and plod on, in all your pain, year after year, while he sees her or someone else and stays with you to protect his financial position. Meanwhile he plots how to get away leaving you with next to nothing.

Get a lawyer.

Oh OP, what a bastard. Poor you (and your poor daughter too, to be the one to find out, struggle with this knowledge for 6 whole months, and finally tell you )

I advise you to find a counsellor or therapist ASAP, some helpful info here www.mind.org.uk/information-support/drugs-and-treatments/talking-therapy-and-counselling/how-to-find-a-therapist/

Can you ask him to hand over his phone, laptop etc and move out for a bit to give you some space to process everything? It's a horrible shock and you need time and space without him.

Also see www.chumplady.com

I also know chocolate, expensive perfume, flowers to her when she was abroad to celebrate their "anniversary" were sent......

That's awful, when he already has a wife, you, which is the only person he should be having anniversaries with. 😡

'There are 3 of you in this marriage'
One is being wooed, romanced, yearned for, cared for and cared about, with time, money and attention being spent on them. Then there is the other one being treated like a really good live in housekeeper and au pair.
Throw the dirty cheating scumbag out.

Regardless of whether you want to believe he had a physical affair (he did) do you really want to be with someone who treats his daughter that way? This poor child found out and he knew, he knew and continued the relationship. He let his own daughter deal with the pain, guilt and worry she must have experienced and didn't give a damn. That should make you livid and would be enough for me.This is a man who's only priority is himself, no-one else.

If you let this one go there will be another infidelity. And another. If he hasn’t shagged her he definitely wanted to.

End it now. Don’t put yourself through more months and years of suspicion and dread.

She is 50% to blame at least, especially as she's in a relationship herself, and has done it before (plus she's not supposed to in her role.)