Husband has had an affair

[Pippa49]

Three weeks ago I found out from my 16 year old daughter that my husband of 20 years has been having an affair for the past two years with someone he met through work. He claims it to have been an emotional rather than physical relationship but has deleted all messages between them. They were speaking on whatsapp/text/phone daily, he was sending her flowers monthly and other expensive gifts with intimate and emotionally charged messages. I have found some of the receipts for the gifts but he is still being very secretive and claims not to have met her out of work and yet I have seen bookings for restaurants (which he claims to have cancelled)......I am all over the place and wondered if anyone has been through similar and has any guidance.

I could never forgive him putting your daughter in that position.
Two years is a long long affair, I don't believe it wasn't physical.

Endless lies. Dump him now and save yourself the pain of listening to more lies and excuses for his awful behaviour.

I get the urge to need to find and understand all the details of what has happened behind your back. Part of you may even be hoping to find something that excuses it and allows things to go back to how they were before (evidence that it was never physical perhaps).

The thing is, it's done. Whether it was sex, phone sex, declarings of love, emotional intimacy etc those were all meant to be just for you and he shared them with someone else in a deliberate manner over a long period of time. The exact flavour of the betrayal makes no difference to his trustworthiness or how hurt you are. Searching is a defense mechanism on your part but you'd be better off focusing on what you'd like this next chapter to look like and getting that going. Digging through his yucky affair will send you mad

What an absolute bastard he is. Your poor daughter, finding out all that and being worried about telling you.

But now she has told you and you need to take action. He's behaved so badly that I can't see how you could ever forget, never mind forgive.

If my partner put my daughter in that position he'd be out the door for that alone!
Find your anger OP, he's taken you and your kids for complete mugs, he's lied, he's cheated. Are you really ok with that?
You hold all the cards here, find your anger, show your daughter how not to be treated in a relationship and kick him out!
Utter bastard he is

I couldn't forgive OP. So sorry for you and for your Daughter finding out about the affair. He is an absolute sh*t to put you through all the hurt and pain. The ow will probably move on to someone else considering she has cheated before. You have to think of yourself and your children. Many years ago the same thing happened to a friend of mine with her DH. He was having an affair with one of their friend's. Their Daughter found out by e-mails. She divorced him and is happy. He didn't stay with the ow but the lies affected his relationship with his children, more so with the Daughter who found out and 10 years on they have a relationship but it is fractured.
I have read alot of affairs recently and it is heartbreaking. I hope you are taking care of yourself and your children.

OP when you and him got together, did you wait 2 years before having sex?

He will only admit to things that you have proof of. It's human nature.

I agree with everyone else. You need to ask him to move out so you can have some space to think about what you want to do now. Right now he's having his cake and eating it. He's had his affair, may still be having it, he's got you at home still, with every hope that you'll forgive him and all carry on life as before. He needs to know what this has done to you.

My ex said similar - he felt sorry for the OW and didn't know how to end it, so when I found out it gave him the push to finish the affair. What a load of shite.
I also understand your need to find out all the sordid details, I felt I needed to do the same and I think I lost my mind for a little while.
I'm feeling angry on your behalf OP. Don't be fooled by more lies, you and your children deserve so much more.

Personally I wouldn’t need any more evidence to end it. Physical or not.

You'll need an STD test if your husband has been physically intimate with OW. Best to assume he has, and get tested, so as not to further risk your health.
Thinking practically about this may help you cut through any denial; and talking to DH about the need for it might prompt him to be honest. Big love to you, OP.

It’s interesting that so many of us find an emotional relationship far more destroying than a physical one.

So, he was spending thousands of pounds on this woman (and it would definitely amount to that sort of money, and of course he didn't cancel all the restaurant bookings) and messaging her daily and professing love, talking on the phone all the time, celebrating their 'anniversary'?

They have definitely had sex. Of course they have. He would absolutely not spend two years of his life going out for romantic dinners and sending flowers for 'anniversaries' and buying expensive presents for her if they only ever saw each other at work and never touched each other.

But even if they hadn't, this man has spent two years lavishing all his time and money and love on someone else while you got nothing. He can afford to buy flowers and chocolates and perfume and Tiffany jewellery and expensive dinners, but he actively chose not to buy them for you. If my partner was sending romantic gifts and love-struck messages and celebrating an 'anniversary' with another woman I wouldn't actually care if they'd had sex or not, because I would be absolutely devastated that he could possibly ever do something so hurtful and humiliating to me. It's the most appalling, callous betrayal. The only way I could keep my dignity intact would be to leave him and, frankly, rinse him for every penny he's got in the divorce. Personally, I would hate myself if I stayed with someone who had done that to me, and I would hate the message I was sending to my daughters by staying when they know full well how you've been treated.

Something similar happened to me with my DH a few years ago. He half told me in the end rather than me finding out but he then said it was completely over for me to later discover he was still pining after her. To this day I am still not sure whether his claim of it being an emotional relationship only was true. I would act very differently now but at the time I struggled to work out if he'd really done anything wrong if they hadn't had sex and was it my fault for not being a good enough wife. I didn't feel I had the right to question him too much so we kind of trundled along. It has come up a lot over the years and while I would say our relationship has recovered, it will never be what it once was. The complete trust is gone and my believing he was my hero is no longer. That being said i think it gave him the scare to realise it was me he wanted to be with and she was just a silly fantasy that would never have worked. We have a good relationship now with a beautiful baby but he's had his chance, if he ever made another 'mistake' he and I know that would be it. My advice would be you have every right to know everything about their relationship and you should demand to see anything you want to see. Sometimes it's not as easy as just walking away like everyone seems to think it is.

Over 2 years and £1000? That's not a drunken one night stand but a full blown affair! His denial of any sex with OW is his way of trying to minimise what he's done to your marriage.
Get an std test, get your financial ducks in a row, and make an appointment with a solicitor to see what your options are before telling him how you wish to proceed with the rest of your life.

Please don't torture yourself any further. Just don't. There is no way back from this. You may desperately want there to be but there isn't. You are just prolonging the agony. Don't do it to yourself. Your pride is and will be in the future hugely important to you, so don't grill him or beg him or go forensically looking for more evidence. Gather together all your strength and start to distance yourself from it all. Don't try to patch things up for the sake of the children. It doesn't work. I'm so sorry it's happened to you but it has. You can and will get through this.

I would ask your husband to leave the house and give you space to grieve and time to look after yourself and your family. What your husband has done is cruel and you are in shock and you need time to process your thoughts away from him. He will absolutely minimise his behaviour and swear on his children's lives that he has done nothing wrong but this is utter bullshit (talking from experience here). If you want to get some power back then, yes, tell her employer as you are in the position to do so and without this information, her employer will be unaware that her behaviour is unacceptable in her professional capacity. Good luck OP

OP you mentioned you are a lawyer. If you are practising and on the SRA register I would very strongly advise you not to do anything revengeful in terms of the other woman however appealing that might be. The SRA have some weird views about what their scope/remit is for investigating behaviour of solicitors and the unpredictability of that means you would not want you to bring on your own head consequences for yourself as a result of your husbands bit of fluff on the side. That would be really galling for you. If you want to let rip, let it be at your (hopefully soon to be ex) husband. xxx

So sorry you are going through this. Your head must be a mess right now. And your poor DD too.

He only finished the affair when he was found out. thatis, if he has actually finished it, which I very much doubt right now. Remember this. He isn't sorry for risking hurting you. He is sorry he has been caught. His tears are only for himself.

But you need to be prepared. He has already started 'the script' if you are unaware it goes something like this.

On being found out and confronted with evidence he will confess only to the absolute minimum. This generally will be only confessing to the stuff he knows you know.
He will look as though hes remorseful, he'll say how stupid he was, he'll try and minimise any feeling for the OW to you, he will cry, he will beg, he will tell you he loves you more than anything. He will likely swear on a childs life too at this point.

But there is far far more to it than what he will initially confess to, and you have to be prepared for stuff to start drip feeding out.

The next stage will still be denial, but he will admit to the other little bits you discover. This will continue until you have discovered so much he cannot deny the whole full blown affair.

Once this is done, he will start to blame you. He will rewrite history. make it your fault he strayed. He wasn't happy (news to you, I bet), you didn't understand him, this may well turn into him saying he never wanted to marry you in the first place. He will justify his affair any way he can, making himself the victim.

There may then be an anger stage. How dare you be upset when it was all your fault in the first place. He might add more tears and may even threaten to kill himself.

OP, you know deep down he has had a physical affair. No man sends gifts and love notes like that to someone they are not sleeping with. But the main thing is that he has looked you in the eye everyday that that affair has been going on. What kind of person can do that? You will never be able to trust a word he says again. Never be able to not worry where he is, who he is with.

There is lots more to come out if you choose to look. If he genuinely was not having a physical affair, he would be able to show you messages between them, bank statements, anything to reassure you. If he does not go all out making sure you have access to this stuff then you have your answer anyway.

Personally to me it wouldn't make a difference if he had slept with her or not, he'd be out the door.Immediately. Based even on just one of those messages you have shown. But I think like you, I'd still want to know.

You dont need a silver bullet - what he has done that you already know of is enough of a betrayal.
As if he needed you to find out for him to call it off?! Ridiculous excuse

Also - show your dc how they should be treated and treat people in relationships and where the boundaries lie. Obviously they can assert their own, but they are much more likely to have healthy boundaries if they have seen them enforced by their dear mum

He's a liar. Don't doubt yourself. Don't let him gaslight you. He's a liar.

TWO YEARS!

And your daughter is the one that caught him, the poor girl.

Tell him to go. Show your daughter how a strong woman responds to being cheated on and treated poorly by a man.

OP your husband has a girlfriend. That is all you need to focus on.

I’d be buying myself a Tiffany necklace with his money.
Id kick him out and take a hot guy out and take pictures and send them to them both by “accident”.
Id also divorce him.
But Id be finding ways to enjoy taunting him (I’m a bit petty though and I absolutely hate liars).

I don’t understand people’s obsession with ‘proving’ things.

it matters not what, where, when, why or how.

The fact is he betrayed your trust. He lied. He misled.

how does that make you feel?
how does knowing he happily and glibly spent family money, emotions, time and thought on another woman?

how do you feel knowing your children know and had to present this evidence to you? What are you teaching them by staying after discovering this and making excuses for him and his decisions and actions.

I call bullshit on the ‘im glad you found out…’ etc. he’s saying what he thinks you want to hear to get out of trouble. He’s not being open or honest with you.

I wouldn’t be staying with someone who betrayed yours and your children’s trust so easily.

why would you?

Also - all the crying eyc he’s going to be doing is because he misses her.
He loves her OP.
Time to love yourself- buy a big FUCK OFF Tiffany necklace .

Why aren't you getting angry, if my Dh husband had put our kids through that I would be so mad at him. Emotional affair or shagging, doesn't matter, he has betrayed your whole family but especially your poor daughter and that is unforgivable . Find your anger OP and show your children what standards and expectations they should have as they enter the world of adulthood.

How long did you both wait until you had sex as a couple? Was it years?

I genuinely do not know a single person who would have a 'friendship' that includes all of the things you've discovered. Every single thing bears the hallmarks of not only an affair, but one where they were very much in love. And when you are very much in love, sex occurs.

I do not know a single person apart from deeply religious folk who would have a relationship that was chaste for that amount of time.