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Original poster

Husband has had an affair

418 replies

Pippa49 · 16/09/2022 11:12

Three weeks ago I found out from my 16 year old daughter that my husband of 20 years has been having an affair for the past two years with someone he met through work. He claims it to have been an emotional rather than physical relationship but has deleted all messages between them. They were speaking on whatsapp/text/phone daily, he was sending her flowers monthly and other expensive gifts with intimate and emotionally charged messages. I have found some of the receipts for the gifts but he is still being very secretive and claims not to have met her out of work and yet I have seen bookings for restaurants (which he claims to have cancelled)......I am all over the place and wondered if anyone has been through similar and has any guidance.

OP posts:
OneFootintheRave · 16/09/2022 14:36

I'm so sorry OP.

Why on earth do you think you might be overreacting though?

I was so glad when you said you were a lawyer and not dependent on him.

Flopisfatteningbingforchristmas · 16/09/2022 14:38

Pippa49 · 16/09/2022 13:44

She is only a year younger than me but far more glamorous and clearly no conscience given she knew she would inflict pain on my children one of whom was going through major surgery at the time. She was apparently escapism, exciting, but it was all "unreal". I am am still in the upset and emotionally fragile phase though have said some pretty horrid things about him and her to him.

Not sure I should call her as someone suggested though I do know damn well that she would lose her job if her employer found out - as a rep she is not allowed to have affairs with clients.....and she has done it now at least twice. He also had her on findmyiphone according to my daughter - presumably tracking where she was and whether she was with her other half....oh and I forgot to say that he even asked me to review her contract for a new job during the two years....I am a lawyer....

I am not sure revenge would be a good idea!

Its his conscience you need to concern yourself with . Even his kids knew he was shagging someone else and he put them in the position of knowing and having to decide to tell you or not.

warofthemonstertrucks · 16/09/2022 14:38

Find my iPhone is an app-she would have to have given him her Apple ID (or he got it from her phone settings if he's creepy), and he then enters it in to the app and she has to give consent for him to follow her (or he could do it if he got hold of her phone). you can then see where the persons phone is in real time. I use it with my daughter (with her consent) who is 15, because we went though a phase of her lying about where she was and then she unfortunately came to harm. My daughters use it for me so they can see how far from home I am and thus calculate what time dinner is likely to be on the table.
How much time do we think he spent monitoring her movements on it like an obsessive school boy? That alone is weird and deeply unattractive.

ItsRainingPens · 16/09/2022 14:41

You don't need proof, nor do you need to listen to his pathetic excuses. File for divorce and get him out of your life

ittakes2 · 16/09/2022 14:45

I am sorry this really sucks - its not fair you have to deal with all this when you have done nothing and I am sorry therefore to add to your burden; you say you are limping on for your daughter - but she's told you knowing full well the possible outcome of you breaking up - she didn't tell you expecting you to stay together. You also need to be aware you are her role model - if you put up with shit then you are teaching her its OK to do so. I am sorry this sucks as you have done nothing wrong and yet you are the one having to stay strong for everyone while hurting the most.

glitterfarts · 16/09/2022 14:50

Show your daughter how to deal with a cheat. Get angry. Kick him out.
He's said, by his own hand, he gives her "all his love, always". Not you, his wife.

Where are your flowers, your Tiffany jewelery? Lost?

Save yourself years of torment or mental torture and bite the bullet and be done with him.

He's lied to you repeatedly. Cheated mentally, emotionally, financially, almost certainly physically.

He LOVES her.

He was still in contact until you found out.

consortiar · 16/09/2022 14:53

Why has he needed an emotional affair for two years? What kind of crutch is this person offering in support that he hasn't been able to open up with you? Why does he have to send her flowers and gifts with deeply romantic messages when you are sat at home with fuck all. How has he managed to go behind your back for two years and not feel an ounce of guilt / end it until the point at which you found out. Men are like are after one thing and there's no way he would still be sniffing around if he wasn't also getting his end away.

He's acted disgustingly and you deserve so so much better than this. You will never be able to trust him again if he has managed to keep this from you for so long he will do it again.

whatwasIgoingtosay · 16/09/2022 14:53

Time to find your inner anger, OP. Get furious with the cheating bastard.

Koyto · 16/09/2022 14:54

Even now he's showing you how weak he is, he loves another woman and doesn't have the guts to do the right thing, move out and move on?. He's making you clear up the mess he's made. Ick

PixelatedLunchbox · 16/09/2022 14:55

@Pippa49 I say this with kindness: Please do not allow yourself to go down the road of blaming the OW. _
_
Your cheating bag of shit husband is the one who is responsible to you, who took the vows to you, and he is not the victim of this woman. _
_
He is an adult, he is married to you, and HE has done you wrong. He made conscious decisions over two YEARS to lie and cheat. _
_
Google Chump Lady. You may continue to limp along, but you will never be able to trust him again. The fact that he did or didn't have sex with her is largely irrelevant when two years of lying and deceit shows you who he is.

Tell him if he's so "relieved" you found out, he will open the emails and accounts in front of you and restore from backup the phone messages while you watch. Flowers

ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs · 16/09/2022 14:56

I think in your shoes I would feel I had no choice but to show my daughters how not to be treated, and kick him well and truly out.
I would be so so angry at him, especially for putting your children in this position. your daughters came to you with this information, which to me implies that they want you to act on it.
They already know what kind of a man their father is, unfortunately, and they want you to know too. have you talked to your daughters about how they feel?

Angip3 · 16/09/2022 14:57

"The OW had a fling with one of his other colleagues and has a relationship with another man whom she does not live with."

There is no way in hell this is not a sexual relationship.

ThisUserNameIsAvailableOk · 16/09/2022 15:00

The funny thing is he thinks telling you she's having sex with all and sundry means you'll believe she didn't have sex with him (unlikely by the way, it's probably just him she's sleeping with).

Why is he bombarding a woman who is in a relationship with 2 other men with gifts and texts all day long if he's not even getting a shag?

0live · 16/09/2022 15:01

Pippa49 · 16/09/2022 13:27

Presume everyone thinks those messages (above) are enough evidence to make a decision on? I also know chocolate, expensive perfume, flowers to her when she was abroad to celebrate their "anniversary" were sent......

How can they have an anniversary if they are just friends ?

None of my friends have ever sent me messages or gifts like that .

AdoraBell · 16/09/2022 15:03

DD has screen shots of the messages? Fantastic, obviously not good for her but when he denies and minimises what he has done show him the screen shots.

And regarding him sending gifts/flowers/chocolates after your car accident and your DS having major surgery, that is because he thinks he is the only person who mattered. Everyone else is just on the sidelines while the world revolves around him

Angip3 · 16/09/2022 15:04

Why would she give him her details so he can track her? sounds more like hes bought her a phone so that he can track her.. to be tracking her at all hes obsessed... dump him.

Alcemeg · 16/09/2022 15:13

"All my love. Always" is what he promised to you, OP.

Why is he giving that to someone else? Never mind the Tiffany necklace etc!

SuspiciousDuck · 16/09/2022 15:15

Get.Fucking.Rid.

why on earth would you want to stay married to this idiot? He’s relieved? Pathetic.

Bananarama21 · 16/09/2022 15:17

An affair for 2 years is physical they have had sex yout poor dd for having to tell you

Heronwatcher · 16/09/2022 15:20

None of these details matter, I’m not sure what you’re hoping to find? If I saw those messages I think it would be enough, I’d know that he loved her and that things were over. What piece of the puzzle are you hoping to find? I would also absolutely never be able to forgive anyone for putting my daughter in that position.

HelloDaisy · 16/09/2022 15:25

TiddleyWink · 16/09/2022 11:47

Forget the affair for a moment, I couldn’t ever forgive anyone for putting our kids in that situation. Ditch the creepy cliche husband and focus on your poor children and the damage he has done to them. This is your chance to model healthy boundaries to them. You can and will be better without him, you’re worth more.

Definitely this.

arebee · 16/09/2022 15:30

@Pippa49 I understand the lawyer in you needs the evidence for when you try to sit down and speak to him about it. You need every piece of information so you have your arguments ready for him. Do you just want him to admit it and tell the truth? To give you the closure you need to make that call and divorce him?

If so then fair enough, do the research, get the information and fully confront him.

But my advice is that it won't make you feel any better. Because he has lied so much already means you will always be wondering whether anything he told you was the truth and that's the frustrating and horrible part of all of this. You just won't ever know.

Best to just crack on and leave him, so you can start working on your own healing 💕

roopeedoopeedooo · 16/09/2022 15:36

Op, I one my mum was having an affair at age 15 and I can't put into words how damaging it was for me. Do I tell? Don't I tell? The weight of it made me Ill. I know you think you are trying to save this for your daughter as she's the only one at home, but I saw my parents go through a year of absolute SHIT trying to "save" their relationship and was there to experience every single awful moment of them dragging out the pain and heart ache. It was already dead, it had died long before my mum had the affair but neither of them wanted to admit it. They could have spared me and my sister all that heart ache but they didn't. And I'll never forgive them.

Right now you are modelling to your daughter that this is how relationships are. How they should be . Would you be happy with her , in the future, trying to flog a dead donkey of a relationship , tolerating a cheater, for the sake of her child? Show her you are worth more and get rid of the piece of dirt that's been cheating on you for TWO YEARS.

Fab018 · 16/09/2022 15:37

I am so so sorry you're going through this, but please for yours and your kids sake leave him.
What he has done is unforgivable.

Please learn your worth. If you accept this, your kids will think it's ok for a man to treat them this way.

I have been through similar and it takes a long time to get over everything, but you will. Hugs.

Riverlee · 16/09/2022 15:39

If he wanted to end it, he could have done it sooner. He’s only ended it as you’ve found out.

If it were just a friendship, why the need to ‘end it’. That’s shows they were in a relationship.

Those messages and gifts are more then just a friendship. No male friend
has ever showered me with Tiffany jewellery, flowers, sent me romantic messages.

it’s been Two Years! Not a drunken one night stand.

I can understand you’re head is all over the place, but he has cheated on you, mentally definantly and possibly physically. Those gifts and comments are not the comments of someone in an in an unhappy relationship, but someone fully committed. He has prioritised her over you. That’s not on.