Husband has had an affair

[Pippa49]

Three weeks ago I found out from my 16 year old daughter that my husband of 20 years has been having an affair for the past two years with someone he met through work. He claims it to have been an emotional rather than physical relationship but has deleted all messages between them. They were speaking on whatsapp/text/phone daily, he was sending her flowers monthly and other expensive gifts with intimate and emotionally charged messages. I have found some of the receipts for the gifts but he is still being very secretive and claims not to have met her out of work and yet I have seen bookings for restaurants (which he claims to have cancelled)......I am all over the place and wondered if anyone has been through similar and has any guidance.

Ok, the OW is clearly an adulterous bitch but forget about her for now.

Ok, you are clearly trying to think the best in your husband (God knows why) but forget about that for now.

Your DD. Your 16 year old daughter. She has kept this secret for 6 months, probably to protect you. Focus on that if nothing else. She needs your support. Can you imagine how churned up she has been feeling for 6 whole months? That poor, poor girl.

I know a woman who lives just up the road very glamorous. She's got two fellas on the hook. They've bought her expensive gifts, holidays landscaped her garden she alternates between them. There's no sex they're just middle aged fools who'd do anything for her.

I would ask your husbands to leave the house for at least a week so you can have some thinking space.

I'm so sorry. And your poor children, living with the knowledge he was cheating and then having to tell you.

It's just wrong; of course I'd want to know how far it went, but everything you know so far is enough to leave him over.

4 things to do now, to give yourself time to think:
1. Withdraw and move at least half the joint money into accounts that you control.
2. See a lawyer now,before he does. Knowledge is power.
3. Individual counseling for you. This will help you make decisions and regain control (No joint counseling until you are stronger and know what you want to do.)
4. Remember your kids are watching you to see how you handle his infidelity. What he's done will affect their future relationships. If it was your daughter being cheated on, what would you tell her? Would you really tell her he says it's not physical, so o try to work it out?

Of course not. You love her. You'd want to protect her and help her leave a relationship with a cheater.

Love yourself just as much. Your children have tried so hard to protect you. Protect yourself and them now. Demonstrate strength and self-respect. Be pro-active and show them you won't put up with his behavior, that no one should have to put up with that. You may not feel strong at all, so fake it until you make it. You will get stronger.

I know this, because like your daughter, I watched it happen to my mother. She showed me that you can make yourself stronger; that no one treats you that way and gets away with it. She wasn't always fierce, but she used her anger and learned to be.

Wishing you find that strength too! ❤️

I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

i agree with all the excellent advice from others about steps you should take.

i just wanted to say I was your DD many years ago -
I found out about my dad’s affair aged 17 and kept it quiet until I couldn’t and had to tell my mum. It’s a
traumatic memory that I haven’t uncovered for a long time.

they stayed together but not happily
and he continued to see OW. loved her even. i think he’d have left my mum eventually but he died before he could. I digress. but to help you help your DD- my mum asked me to forgive him when she did. i tried to. she also askede
never to tell me younger sister and to this day I haven’t. But it left me with a lasting distrust of men sadly and it all sort of got “brushed under the carpet”. My advice would be let your DD know
you are ok (even though you aren’t) so she doesn’t have to worry about you and don’t shove it all away in a cupboard as that didn’t help me one bit.

sending you love, strength and fellow mama support to be Brave through difficult times to come X

@MuggedByTheSleepThief great post.

"I know a woman who lives just up the road very glamorous. She's got two fellas on the hook. They've bought her expensive gifts, holidays landscaped her garden she alternates between them. There's no sex they're just middle aged fools who'd do anything for her."

Pmsl, are you a bloke? How on earth would you know there is no sex? 😂

My friend stayed with her cheat of a husband for a long time, after many affairs, be ause she was not leaving him and all they'd built for some other woman to enjoy - her words.

Then she said she'd left him. Why now I asked, and she said because her daughter had caught him this time.

She said it was too important to her to teach her daughter how to stand up for herself and not accept disrespect; so she left him purely on that basis.

Her daughter thanked her so much for it and she discovered that even though she didn't know her dad was cheating all the other times, she'd always wished her mom would leave. She said her mom went from being preoccupied with trying to please him all the time, to being so unhappy when he was around; but always happy when he was away.

Hi OP,

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I just want to start by saying I have been a long time lurker but this is my first post - posting because I feel so strongly about how important it is to say this:

Please please please do not underestimate how this has and will effect your daughter. I was in her position at the age of 14, read some messages on my dad's phone when I borrowed it to send a text. I was afraid to say anything as I was scared I wouldn't be believed, it all came out about 6 months later and it was very messy.

In the initial few weeks I was my mum's support system as she was too proud to tell any of her friends or family, and she leaned on me heavily. It was a massive burden to place on the shoulders of a teenager. My parents eventually got counselling and worked through it and their marriage is admirably much better and stronger for it, but like a poster above it was all swept under the rug and never mentioned again. No support or acknowledgement for me or what I went through. It completely messed me up and almost 20 years later I still feel the effects of it. I pushed everyone away, developed anxiety and depression and had trouble connecting with people. It wasn't until I had counselling a few years ago that I really began to deal with it, I had totally minimised what a horrendous thing it was to go through at such a young age.

I still have a lot of anger and resentment towards my parents over it and how they handled it. While I understand their marriage was in crisis and they were busy trying to pick up the pieces, I was totally abandoned. It has shaped who I am today, and not in a positive way.

Whether you decide to leave your husband or stay with him and work through it, please get some real life support from the adults around you, avoid burdening your daughter with things that are beyond her years, check in with her and listen to her and offer to arrange some professional support through counselling if she would like it. Her entire world has been turned upside down at such a formative stage of her life. She needs you and needs to be protected from the fallout of your husband's selfish decisions.

Everything you wrote is already more than enough reason to leave him.
Why does it even matter whether or not he has been sleeping with her? He's been showering her with gifts and sending her intimate messages. What kind of husband does that to another woman?

If I were in your shoes, I would also be furious at the emotional upset that he's caused for DD. Having to harbour the secret for 6 months in fear of what may happen to her parent's marriage. That must have been awful for her.

He's not the man you married. He's betrayed you emotionally, possibly physically. You will never be able to trust him again. Do you really want to spend your life constantly worried every time he goes to work? Or every time he takes a phone call or sends a text. Because that's what will most likely happen if you stay with him.

And for the sake of your kids, show them that you're strong enough to walk away, and teach them that if they ever find themselves disrespected like this, they can walk away too.

Oh op, like so many of us I have been there. They always say that it wasn't physical as that seems to be more important to them, but emotional affairs seem to hurt women more. Either way, he has been physical with her, of course he has. You need to leave him, don't let your daughters see that this is acceptable behaviour, it will change their relationships going forward forever. Also, I would definitely tell their work what she has done. My husband had an affair with a colleague well below his rank (army) and the dressing down they got really made me feel better.

I'd ask him to leave, I would not trust him and I would not believe it was only emotional. X

I’m glad you de-lurked, what a hideous experience. The lies and the selfishness affect so many people, clearly for many years. Sorry for your experience.

Choco similar happened to my lovely best friend at school. Age 17 her perfect middle class family imploded when she accidentally uncovered her fathers young girlfriend and use of prostitutes (god fearing self important rotary club type man). Don’t think my friend ever really got over it. She was never the same.

SO SO sorry! Wrong thread. Have reported myself! 😯

I suggest you go to www.survivinginfidelity.com

A very helpful resource for those who have been betrayed through infidelity.

You'll get advice on retrieving deleted messages..andvall that tech stuff.

It wasn't an emotional affair. Don't believe that.

If he insists it is, tell him you'll set up a polygraph...but. honestly... what difference would it make? Is it just to know the truth? Would sex be a dealbreaker?

If you'd stay anyway, what's the point? Also...your daughter telling you about it would ..if it was me...be the final straw. I just wouldn't want my daughter to think she should accept that treatment from a man in the future and honestly.. I'd feel like I'd lose her respect if I stayed.

How would I ever be able to tell her to leave a cheater if I didn't.

It doesn't mean you have to hate each other...your kids are fairly grown up and coparenting and child support, won't be a long term thing.

You're a professional intelligent woman....and aren't financially stuck.

Hope you managed to get some rest last night op. You'll need some energy for this. I think someone else mentioned therapy just for you and that is a really good idea to help you process your thoughts and next steps.

Another good idea is to ask him to move out for a short period. This speaks volumes in your strength, the gravity of what he has done and will give you some space to breathe without him constantly trying to gloss over and move on. (Wriggle
out of it.)

I unfortunately do believe he has slept with this woman. However, I think sex for a man is less emotional and more ... what's the word... not sure but essentially just the act of sex. The emotional aspect, for me, the messages, the length of time, his calls, gifts and time invested in thinking about this woman would hurt me so so much more.

Your DD will need some therapy to be honest. This could impact her for the rest of her life and her relationships if not handled well.

Sleeping fitfully, constant anxiety and visceral pain. Waiting for the anger. At the moment have small outbursts but get told I’ve been told everything. He had no answer to my question about ending it - would he still be messaging her if I hadn’t found out. Also they will still be together at work from time to time - she’s a rep. It’s such a mess. But I’m starting with a trip to my go - neee to get myself back on track first for the sake of me and my DD. Also need to get the checks necessary given I suspect a physical relationship happened too. It’s humiliating but OW seems to sleep around…..

'At the moment have small outbursts but get told I’ve been told everything'

He doesn't give a shit about your feelings OP. You're clearly just expected to get over it, put it behind you and carry on making his life nice and comfortable. Fuck that.

Good idea to arrange those health checks. Such a horrible position for you to be in but got to be done

If you're a lawyer, you're clearly capable of critical thinking, and seeing through abject bullshit. Start applying those skills now, because you're massively under reacting. Flowers? Gifts? Love notes? 'Find my fucking phone' so he can monitor her when she's with her husband? He's obsessed and in your shoes I couldn't and wouldn't live with the humiliation and degradation for even a second longer.

OW seems to sleep around?

So does your DH.

What's he doing to prove to you it's over?
I'm guessing he hasn't suggested looking for a new job?

He has actually talked about that but it would be to a place not far from where she lives and would still be in her territory work wise