32 weeks and in a nightmare

[Helpset]

I think DP has cheated and the trust has gone. I feel ill. I don’t want the baby, I wouldn’t mind if they stayed inside but I don’t want to meet them or know them. I called an adoption agency today and they said usually have to wait 6 weeks before an adoption takes place. I don’t want this. I don’t want to have to see them at all. I feel so distraught. Midwife is aware and said all options are available but I should take my time thinking about it. I’m certain about it already and don’t know how to get through the next few weeks. I feel like I’m living a nightmare

So sorry your DH did this op and how your feeling, hormones won't help either but it isn't the baby's fault. Take some time to think and possibly speak to a professional to get some help xx

@icallitaday i have told the midwife everything. They don’t take me seriously I don’t think. She said that when I hold it I could very well feel differently. I just know that I won’t. I want to rewind.

Totally understandable and you don't want to be left holding a baby I honestly get it. You need to speak to someone other then the midwife and get unbiased help x

Why do you think he has cheated?

Lots and lots of messages from colleague. I just need to accept that side to things.

I think you need to discuss your mental health with your midwife ( I mean this in a kind way) suddenly not wanting to have your baby in your life because a partner cheated is quite a decision.

@Acreativeusername i considered a termination many times so it’s not a completely new thing. I am sure of my decision and yet it seems nobody will help me or direct me where to contact. The midwife said I need to give it time but I want it sorted now, to know that it will be taken away immediately. I can’t stand the thought of having to be a mum for even a minute. My life feels like it is over.

I haven’t got out of bed all day I just can’t cope with this anymore I feel like I am living in hell

Try not to panic OP. He may well have cheated, but I am sure you will do what is best when the time comes, whether that is adoption or looking after your child.

Do you have a friend or family member to discuss this with and be at the birth?

Screw your cheating DP. You and your baby have a separate relationship. They're not a baby that long, they're going to grow up to be an awesome person, it will be you missing out on that, don't let your DP get between you and your child. I completely understand wanting to go back in time and escape the situation or pretend this pregnancy never happened but I think you need to start planning your future life with your child and how it could look. I can't imagine you'll hand your baby over and your life carry on without that having a huge impact on you for the rest of your life. Can you get as much support as you can now, do you have friends and family around? Pregnancy is a hard and vulnerable time and you're feeling alone understandably. You can do this OP, being a mum is hard but amazing and you don't need a DP to be able to be an amazing mum.

Midwife would surely have done an SS referral OP? I work in this area and babies are taken into care from birth especially as the child will be at risk in this situation. A Safeguarding referral should at least have been done due to the way you feel about the baby. Totally understandable that you are struggling and your MH is struggling. So sorry you are in this situation.

Can you contact your midwife and ask if a referral has been done?

Is it possible that you may feel differently after the birth and SS can put a plan in place. You need to speak to them and ask them about options. Fostering if you decide you want involvement afterwards leading to adoption if you want to go down that route or a mother and baby unit possibly?

You have options. The 6 week rule is to give you time to consent to adoption or change your mind.
You have to give birth, the baby can’t stay in for ever but you do not have to hold or see the baby if you don’t want to.
You can ask for the baby to be placed with foster carers. You can stay in hospital probably a few days instead of going home within hours and see and hold your baby if you want.
You feelings are understandable, and as pp have said try to speak to someone who is not too involved. Your GP practice might have a counsellor or a nurse you could talk to.
Sorry you’ve got all this to deal with.

A safeguarding referral for considering putting a baby up for adoption? Is that true?

Safeguarding referral due to mothers MH.

@Enjoysomerum i do have fleeting moments of thinking of them of a person or adult and I feel a smidgen of care but then it goes away as it’s all too much. I can’t cope with it all, I won’t be a good mum, I don’t want to do it and it feels like nobody is taking me seriously. Even online I feel like there’s no information about it all for me to access to sort anything out.

@AmblingIntoAutumn yes they have done a referral but I’m still being told that i shouldn’t be hasty. I just want a plan in place.

A safeguarding referral for MH is very unlikely to result in removal at birth - that happens only in extreme cases.

@Maytodecember i feel so guilty sending them to foster care I just wanted it to go to its proper home and that be that. I am not at all maternal towards it and I feel so guilty and distraught.

If your partner hadn’t cheated would you have wanted to keep the baby?

Are you in the UK? If so then call childrens social care, they are the ones to help you either work through how you feel or support you to make a plan for your child. In the UK if a mother relinquishes care of their baby then they don't have to wait 6 weeks although it rarely happens as things change when parents have the right support in place. If it does happen then social care go to court for an order to allow the baby to be placed either with potential adopters (fostering to adopt) or foster carers or family members.

It might be worth looking at the adoption board as there are discussions on there about this topic. Also you need to consider whether your 'DP' will give consent to have the child adopted, assuming he is the biological father.

But why has it changed how you feel about the baby? None of this is anything to do with the baby. Your relationship with your partner and your relationship with the baby are two separate things.

Sorry you are feeling so overwhelmed with this.

Before you make any plan have you considered whether you can even put your baby up for adoption without your DP’s consent/involvement ?

What if he wants to raise his baby?

I know you are already 32 weeks but I would look for a good counsellor asap so you can talk things through for yourself.
Then you can in parallel look at the different options once you’ve given birth. Such as what @Maytodecember said.

I don’t know how I would feel if he hadn’t cheated. I already went back and forth about termination before all this weeks and weeks ago.

I think what dp has done has just pushed me over the edge. I just don’t want this life. I honestly would do anything to rewind the clock.

I want to picture the baby as an adult and I do feel better but I can’t look after a baby in this state. I’m a total mess.