32 weeks and in a nightmare

[Helpset]

I think DP has cheated and the trust has gone. I feel ill. I don’t want the baby, I wouldn’t mind if they stayed inside but I don’t want to meet them or know them. I called an adoption agency today and they said usually have to wait 6 weeks before an adoption takes place. I don’t want this. I don’t want to have to see them at all. I feel so distraught. Midwife is aware and said all options are available but I should take my time thinking about it. I’m certain about it already and don’t know how to get through the next few weeks. I feel like I’m living a nightmare

Don't be embarrassed.

It's how you're feeling and it's perfectly valid. Even if people don't understand it, they should respect it.

I hope whatever you decide to do has the best outcome for both of you and that you get some help with your mental state right now as it's painful to read let alone to be feeling it.
My second son has some traits of my first husband that I left when he was one, but they are negligible as were never nurtured by the person from whom they were inherited. He has far more traits from me and all the worst ones and drives me up the wall, as I can see myself in him. He grew up with my second husband and actually if you didn't know they were not related you's think he'd inherited his traits too, only they are acquired in reality.
What I am trying to say is the baby will learn by example nut by genetic memory as they are not a bird ;)

I'm so sorry you are so distressed OP. Another poster up thread has given excellent advice in terms of receiving proper perinatal mental health support and advice. The midwives should refer you for psychological support and psychiatric care. I had an awful awful time with my exP when I was pregnant. I also wanted to hide my distress from everyone but I was picked up by a medic (family member) and referred for psychiatric care throughout the pregnancy and for about 6 months afterwards. I believe that the psychiatrist saved my life and within 6 weeks of treatment I completely turned a corner and managed pregnancy, birth and the first (and subsequent ) years of my child's life as a single parent.

I can remember how desperate I felt and I imagine that you can't see anything or anyway out of your situation at the moment. Please contact your GP if the midwives have not referred you. You need support now. You don't need to make any decisions about the baby today. Let the medics look after you and support you and then when things are a bit calmer you can start to think about the future.

I know it is so so hard to be strong when everything feels so awful. Please get some help. No one can make meaningful decisions when they feel so awful.

Hi OP, I once considered giving a baby up for adoption and I remember that all the people I called about it at various services seemed surprised and quietly judgmental. As if a woman who'd consider doing this must have something wrong with her.

But still it sounded like there is a way, if you insist, to relinquish the baby at birth, even if you can't disown them legally for the first six weeks.

You may have to push through a lot of disapproval, quiet or open, but if you are sure that this is what you want, I'd just keep asking about it, midwife, social services, adoption charities, until someone clocks that you are serious and starts to help. All the best.

You can relinquish a baby at birth in the U.K. but the baby will have to go into immediate (if you choose not see/meet baby) foster care as adoption can’t be finalised until the 6 week cooling off period has gone.

@Helpset dud you once want/look forward to having the baby? Have these strong feelings of not wanting the baby cone after the relationship break up or did you not want it before?

only you can decide what to do but please get help so your decision has been talked through with you by a professional person that knows how to deal with this.

you sound distraught & heartbroken, wishing you the very best.

F

It does feel like that. It will feel like that for a while @Helpset.

I didn’t share my outcome because it isn’t standardised, none of this is. Which is why I do objected to people’s irritating unremarkable platitudes. For me, the pregnancy was a shock and I had no wanted a child. I found nothing anywhere that I could relate to as all the people who had antenatal depression wrote/said “I was so shocked, my pregnancy was planned and the baby was wanted, why was I depressed?” Yady yady yada. None of it spoke to me.

I didn’t go through with my planned attempt in my life, but I hit absolute rock bottom and phoned my doctors in absolute crisis. They sent a midwife round immediately and openly speaking to someone about how I was feeling, exactly how I was feeling, marked a turning point. Getting it out there opened my world just a little bit, until it included two people instead of just me. Me and her. And then I spoke to more people and it grew some more.

I was still so very unhappy but as time went on, it became my new normal. I didn’t look to the future though. I’d given myself permission to only deal with that day, as thinking w out any others in the future sent me into a spin. I didn’t imagine any of it. I didn’t future plan. I didn’t imagine the baby. I connected with other women who were pregnant, albeit slightly against my will. Sharing the experience helped.

In the end I went through with it all, partially because I was better, partially because I felt dirt bound, and partially because the idea of a surgical termination was equally as traumatic. I didn’t have a rush of love, but I didn’t expect it. I’m not a maternal person at all, but I love my kid. That love grew, it wasn’t instant. I was and am a dutiful mother. I am calm with him, because I still think I have a level of detachment that enables me to be. It doesn’t mean I don’t love him, I do. But for me it wasn’t this big natural movie thing with twinkly eyes and smiling faces, it was hard.

Seek support. Talking helps. Seek support from social services. Explore you’re options. You have them. But please, I beg you, don’t isolate yourself and close your world to one.

DM me if you want to talk anymore.

So many typos. Sorry. I was writing with a low battery.

That should have ‘duty bound’, not dirt bound.

This is a side note but I also had a planned section. I wanted control of the birth and I didn’t want to labour. I needed to know when it was happening and how. That helped. But that is just me, that may not be right for you @Helpset.

I’ve been through something similar. My baby’s dad didn’t cheat, but he decided he didn’t want to be with me anymore when I was about 6 months pregnant. He said he would support the baby but didn’t want to be with me. I was a mess. An absolute mess. I also for a while, didn’t want the baby. I felt like you. But it passed, I kept her and she’s now 12. Now looking back I know I was in shock, and had depression. It was awful. I hope you do what’s right for you and your baby but I do think you should just take some time to let everything sink in. I felt pretty awful for a month or so, and come the end I did start to get excited about the baby… once she was here I was in love and all was well.

@belle40 how did you ask for a psychiatrist? I asked weeks ago as I was feeling so scared but it totally brushed off by my GP. How did you feel when you had them? Were you alone at birth? I’m so terrified. I can’t think straight.

Where you’re pregnant, you should get fairly immediately mental health support. Phone your GP, the midwife, the maternity unit, anyone until you can get referred for immediate support. I got help the same day.

You need to tell them how bad it is. How bad you’re feeling. I don’t remember the phone call as I was in such a state when I phoned them. Don’t mask and hold back, they need to know how frightened and in need of support you are.

@helpset I was helped along by someone who is a Dr and we looked for consultant psychiatrists at a local private hospital. The Dr (family member) made a call on my behalf but I was seen without GP referral but did have to pay for the appointments. Are you able to look up local private providers in your area or Google perinatal mental health services? If you do not want to pay for private consultation, I would go back to your GP and request a referral. Make them understand how badly you feel at the moment. Alternatively you can look for a clinical psychologist who may also be able to help you, there is a professional body, the British Psychological Society (BPS) who list all qualified registered psychologists. I hope some of this is helpful in pointing you in the right direction.

@Helpset

Just a practical note - if you're married, then the consent of your H will be required in order for your baby to be adopted. If you're not married, your P can still apply for parental responsibility and have a say in the plan to have the baby adopted, or even bring up the baby himself.

I agree with all those asking you to do whatever it takes to get seen by a psychiatrist. Social services may be able to assist there.

Alternatively, you could go to A&E and talk openly and clearly about the catastrophising you are doing, how hard it is for you to function on a daily basis, and how you feel that your life is over. Emphasise that you don't recognise yourself, that you are so different from how you used to be. Show the full extent of your distress.

If you have genuinely been feeling absolutely no bond with the baby and have been considering termination and wishing you could rewind over a long period, don't mention the cheating by your DP or HCPs may latch onto that and dismiss you as someone who is just being flaky or possibly manipulative (trying to force your DP to choose you and the baby over the woman he is cheating with).

Same advice goes for SS when you make contact.

Yes, but that’s the point isn’t it. No one, including OP, knows how she will feel about something that hasn’t happened yet.

Before you make any decision OP, please see your GP for a urgent referral to the Perinatal MH team
It could be that you feel this way because you're suffering from Ante Natal depression
I wish you well and I'll just say never underestimate the power over our bodies hormones have.

OP is better placed to comment on her situation than anyone here is. She’s got a much better idea of herself than a stranger does.

There is a difference between an estimation based on one’s situation and personal insight, and a guess.

Im sorry but I disagree. Giving birth and subsequently becoming a parent is not something that OPs experience of life and her own emotions up to now can give her any insight into, as she’s never experienced it before. She may well feel exactly the same as she does now, which is perfectly valid, but there’s also a strong possibility that she may not.

I suppose we’ll agree to disagree.

Thanks everyone for such helpful replies. I was in a pit of sadness yesterday. I feel awful today but called SS, they said I would need an assessment and this will happen next week but it apparently heavily involved midwives and I can’t make any final decision right now/can’t know any family who might adopt.

I did have a weird dream last night where I hugged dc and they were maybe 6 or 7 and I felt love. It was fleeting and obviously a dream but it was the first thing I thought of when I woke up.

I am so scared of being alone in this, DP has now admitted to an affair with a colleague but our relationship wasn’t perfect before then either. I know a lot of this is wrapped up in how awful he is making me feel. I still have this horrendous desire to run away and start a new life with only me in it.

Gosh please seek referral to a perinatal mental health team. This might be the anxiety & depression talking.
if you are unable to get across how you are feeling accurately, please write it down.

I’ve got a weird anxiety about it being winter soon too, it makes me feel more hopeless and alone. Ridiculous I know. DP won’t tell me if he would be around, I think I’d have to assume he’s not. The thought of it all is so overwhelming. If I go ahead with adoption I will never ever risk doing this again. In turmoil.

You are overwhelmed and frightened, that’s understandable.
keep talking to everyone on here.
X

I’m so sorry you’re going through this OP, it sounds awful.
I wont/can’t tell you what to do. But I will tell you that hormones can wreak absolute havoc on your mental health. I had a hard time in both of my pregnancies with my children’s father and felt regretful about my pregnancies too.
That’s not to say your feelings will change, no one can possibly know that, but it is something to keep in mind.
I wish you the best, whatever the outcome. Please try to be kind to yourself, it will be hard given the way you’re feeling. One day at a time can be helpful.