32 weeks and in a nightmare

[Helpset]

I think DP has cheated and the trust has gone. I feel ill. I don’t want the baby, I wouldn’t mind if they stayed inside but I don’t want to meet them or know them. I called an adoption agency today and they said usually have to wait 6 weeks before an adoption takes place. I don’t want this. I don’t want to have to see them at all. I feel so distraught. Midwife is aware and said all options are available but I should take my time thinking about it. I’m certain about it already and don’t know how to get through the next few weeks. I feel like I’m living a nightmare

@Chailatteplease did you stay together? I had a chat with DP earlier and he said he felt I had pushed him away as I had been so awful in pregnancy. Just feel so shit all round really.

How dare he blame you, no wonder you are overwhelmed with everything, you are feeling trapped and like a wounded animal are thinking of any means of escape to avoid pain.

For him to do this to you in your first pregnancy is unforgivable, he sounds very immature and selfish.
Why not just put all thoughts of decisions to one side just for a day or two for you to gain strength and just get some well needed support on here, we are not here to argue with you, the decision is totally yours and yes we should respect that.

I hope you can manage to get some rest.
Take care

No we didn’t, thankfully as he was abusive. But at the time I was devastated and vulnerable. I’m happily married to a wonderful man now, I hope that gives you some hope for your future. There are many, many stories on here just like mine.

his lack of understanding and support speaks volumes OP. You may well have “been awful” at times. As I said earlier, hormones can wreak havoc on a persons mental health. But he’s dealt with that by cheating, instead of communicating and offering support.
btw I’m assuming he’s telling the truth here, he could be making it up to justify his cheating. Many do that. Only you’ll know the truth, my point was, however you’ve behaved whilst carrying his child, does not justify his cheating.

I’m scared I won’t be enough. I want to love them so much. I just don’t think I can. Fuck me I am such a mess. And 35! Hardly a kid. Should know better.

Sorry you are going through this. I chose to have my baby adopted rather than aborted as I was 16 when I got pregnant. My Dr contacted social services who had to move quickly as I had concealed the pregnancy until I was 7 months gone. It went to panel and I was able to have a say between two families. My baby was looked after in hospital till she was three days old when her parents collected her from hospital. She is 18 now and I've never regretted my decision. I was able to send and receive letters through the post box system once a year.
I can't advise you on what to do but I just wanted to share my story as I'm not sure if its helpful or not to hear from someone who has been through it.

My DH cheated whilst I was pregnant and although I didn’t find out until afterwards I remember the feeling of wanting to run away from my family so I could disassociate from everything and somehow escape the pain.

The best advice I was given was don’t make any big decisions for at least 6 months. I know that feels like forever but you need time to come to terms with your pain and feelings and you won’t be thinking straight right now. That’s not to say you might not make the same decision but it’s one you can’t undo so give it time.

And it’s NOT your fault he cheated. It’s a horribly common thing for a man to cheat in pregnancy and more often than not it’s due to his feeling overwhelmed at the responsibility of a baby not anything you did. He’s just saying that to make himself feel less of a twat.

Feel free to DM me if you need to talk. I felt like I wanted to die for a while back then but life is good again now and yours will be too.

He’s blaming you because you have to be a total bastard to cheat on your pregnant partner. That is when he should be at his most protective of you. So he doesn’t want to admit he’s a total bastard. But it’s completely on him, OP, not you. Don’t tolerate any narrative which suggests otherwise.

Focus on getting the support you need right now. You’re feeling utterly awful and need support to make the right decision. Keep posting here for support also.

Hi OP

I dont have any advice about the adoption but I would just like to share with you my journey

I was in an abusive relationship when i was pregnant with my son. Because of that, i didnt want him. At all. Because of previous losses I couldnt bring myself to terminate though.

I spent my entire pregnancy dreading the baby. I didnt want it and I didnt love it and I knew for a fact life would be so much harder when they were here. And it was.

I honestly, didnt love my son until he was a year old. I looked after him, did what I needed to do. But I didnt love him and I resented my life and him. I found it all so hard. And I'll never forget when that fog fell down. It was his 1st birthday, we were in a hostel after fleeing the DV and the fog literally fell down infront of my eyes. I finally saw him for the amazing little baby he was.

Hes nearly 6 now and not a day goes by where I'm not grateful that hes in my life. He is truly an amazing loving caring little boy and I dont know how I got so lucky

I think you have pre natal depression and i think you need some help to work through it, I didnt even know pre natal depression existed until my son was a few years old and it makes me sad myself and no one else was aware of how hard it actually was for me

I hope your okay x

I’m sorry you’re going through this, it sounds terrifying. I haven’t been in your situation but have been pregnant and now have a child and just wanted to say that the way you feel about the baby now while it’s a creepy alien in your stomach doesn’t bear any relationship to how you will feel about it after it’s born. If you want to love it then I think there’s a very good chance that you will. You haven’t met it yet so have nothing to base any sense of love on if you see what I mean.

@DisneyMillie i thought last night that I would relocate to family asap but no idea if that’s really a good idea or not. It feels knee jerk and we are not that close but I can’t possibly stay here or in this area, we were only here for DPs work, no other connections. Whether I go ahead with adoption or not I can’t stay but it’s a big decision to move so far back around family which would be 2 hours. Is this a silly decision in the midst of all this

@AlwaysChangingNames123 thank you. I’m so worried that will happen. Worried I will feel nothing and then how will I cope, I will just wish everyday that I had given them away. Also worry they might be similar to DP too and even thinking about him at the moment really makes me feel sick. I can’t imagine a small version of him I have to take care of. I am numb to everything.

Continue with your adoption plans, but be prepared for falling in love with your baby. If you don't, then adoption and fostering won't be so bad. No matter what course you take you have to accept the clock will never turn back. Make plans to go it alone. Explore whether a family member with be a foster carer or an adopter

I don’t think I would want family members to be involved though I can see I may not have a choice. They will probably not do it anyway. My parents wouldn’t and my only brother has his own kids they are too busy.

OP, why do you need to make a decision now? I know you want it sorted but it may be a better idea to simply wait and see how you feel once baby is born. If you still feel the same after the birth, then you can explore fostering and adoption. Those options will still be open to you then.

You've clearly had a terrible shock and are traumatised. Not the best time to be making such life-changing decisions...

@PinotPony because I nearly terminated earlier on and now this has happened I just don’t feel a thing. No exaggeration if something happened I think I would be numb just like I am now. I can’t explain it but except for a fleeting love around 12 weeks I’ve had nothing since. Absolutely nothing. And I’ve tried really hard :( there must be something wrong with me I know it’s not normal but it’s the truth. Everyday is so horrendous I’ve not even got out of bed. So unlike me.

@PinotPony I think it's normal to not feel anything for your baby, especially when you're having a difficult pregnancy. Normal in the sense that it happens to lots and lots of women. I spent my pregnancies vomiting and hopelessly miserable due to hg, I struggled to get through the day and a baby felt like a theoretical future thing. I told midwives exactly how I felt and they said "it's hard isn't it" and carried on with the consultation each time. I guess they see miserable pregnant women all the time. I don't think you should take how you feel in pregnancy as definitely how you will feel when you have given birth. Some people find pregnancy a head fuck and physically/ mentally awful and you're going through so much with a lot of uncertainty to deal with on top. One step at a time, you've got this.

@Enjoysomerum im just so sad. I keep crying. I can’t even get out of bed. I just don’t want any of this at all. It’s all my fault I know that but how can I have a child alone. And I would be. I would be living with this thing that I feel nothing for and it’s not fair on them either. So many people would do such a better job than me. I wish I could disappear.

@Helpset oh I wish I could give you a hug. I'm so sorry you're going through this and feel so sad. Can you try not to think about the future with the baby and everything for a bit and try to focus on you. You're at a really vulnerable time and sound like you could be suffering from antenatal depression. This is probably the time in your life you most need support and it doesn't sound like you have enough support at all. Can you reach out to people to come and listen to you and make you a cup of tea. I would for any woman I knew in this situation. Even if it's been years can you reach out to the decent friends/ family you have? You might be surprised at who will rally round to get you through this given a chance.

I’m not coping today I am so sad. I feel like I can’t cope at all. I am stuck in bed and crying and I don’t know what to do or who to call

Hi OP. I’m here if you want to talk. Xx

Can you call your parents, you need to speak to someone.

The samaritans will listen, sometimes just voicing something can ease the pressure, they do not judge and are there for people when they are at their lowest.

You feel like you are hitting rock bottom, stay in bed, rest, put on some crap TV and ride some of the crap through, if you can try to call the GP.

This is not the end of the world, you will get through this, one step at a time, you will become stronger, for now just try to rest.

Sendings you hugs.

Please don’t feel like you need to make any decisions now. You don’t even need to make a decision right at birth either. I promise you, you have options and there are people who can help with all of them.

Sorry you're feeling so awful. If you can, call your GP and tell them honestly how you're feeling, you'll likely get a same day appointment and they can go through your options for support. Everything must feel really overwhelming right now, but try to take things a day (or even an hour) at a time and take smalls steps to help you get though this

If you haven't already, please call your gp and tell them you are in crisis. Please call now before the weekend starts.

As well as this you could try one of the mh helplines, or the Samaritans or yes talk on here. Right now though it's OK to be sad, to stay in bed and you don't need to worry about the future or make decisions about it now . I know you want to but honestly, they'll keep.