32 weeks and in a nightmare

[Helpset]

I think DP has cheated and the trust has gone. I feel ill. I don’t want the baby, I wouldn’t mind if they stayed inside but I don’t want to meet them or know them. I called an adoption agency today and they said usually have to wait 6 weeks before an adoption takes place. I don’t want this. I don’t want to have to see them at all. I feel so distraught. Midwife is aware and said all options are available but I should take my time thinking about it. I’m certain about it already and don’t know how to get through the next few weeks. I feel like I’m living a nightmare

You are in shock op and understanderbly so, he has behaved very badly towards you and his unborn child.

He should have been protecting you and your mental health.

I also understand you want action, right here and right now, whilst you are angry but you are pregnant and have no choice but to hold on, wait for the birth and then act. I think your anger will lessen as you approach the birth, it may not but you may come round to feeling differently about the baby when it is born.

I will tell you that having a child in most cases is one of lifes most amazing experiences and you may find something inate takes over, a protectivness and love that you cannot reject. You may experience this and your health team are giving you the space for feelings to change.

I'm sure they understand totally why you are feeling anger, dissapointment and disloyalty from the father. Please look after yourself, you must be in turmoil, but it's not the end of the world, a child does not stop you from living, it will be the one person who you may love above all others.

You can self refer to Children’s services now. But I think what might help in the meantime is getting some counselling?

So sorry you are going through this. Try and seek some help someone neutral you can speak with to work out your feelings. Was your DP the one forcing you to keep the baby?

@PineOrange I desperately hoped the love would develop. I really did. But it hasn’t I feel less if anything rather than more. I am totally empty.

I genuinely don’t think a moment will happen where I see it and I suddenly change my feelings. If I knew that would happen I would hold on but honestly, I can’t envisage it at all. I just see it as a transaction of birth for them to be out of my life. I know I’m an awful messed up person. I have given up trying to be good.

@PineOrange you say it won’t restrict me from living but I will probably be on my own and surely that will be limiting. I just see total misery ahead and not being able to cope. I am a failure.

Just to clarify that a child will not be removed at birth due to a mothers MH.

I was referring to this situation where the mother WANTS the child removed at birth and is struggling with MH so a plan would need to put in place before birth to safeguard the child.

If you don’t feel the midwife has fully conveyed your situation OP, please contact SS yourself. They are there to help and can advise.

Does your partner want the baby? I would think he would be the automatic carer to look after the baby if you are unable to.

Firstly, and please don't take this the wrong way, you probably need some medication like antidepressants and a referral to the perinatal mental health team for some support to get you into a good place to make a decision. I'm absolutely not surprised you feel like you do but pregnancy hormones a the stress of the situation can impact on thought processes and how you feel. Please do get some help.

Contact your local social services as a social worker will need to be appointed for the child to help make decisions and ensure everything is in place you do go ahead with adoption. They will also be able to inform you about things like if the dad puts himself forward saying he wants to care for the child. Things are a little more complicated with him knowing you are pregnant.

I hope things go well for you

@AmblingIntoAutumn i don’t know if I expressed it well because on the outside life looks fine and I feel embarrassed showing the full extent of my distress. I just want things sorted out I know so many people would do such a better job and so much more deserving of it. I am not good for this baby and that’s a fact.

Those asking whether DP wants the baby I don’t know I have said I feel this way and he hasn’t responded about it at all and says it’s up to me. That just made me feel worse as it’s obvious he wouldn’t be around if I kept it and we split. I feel like I am in a nightmare.

Goodness, none of us feel qualified to care for a child. You've been dealt a nasty blow and it is going to take time to get back on your feet. I have seen lots of people referred to the perinatal mh team and you wouldn't know looking at most of them x

If you want to be the parent go for it! But please do get support to get you in a good place emotionally.

Hi @Helpset

Do you have parents/friends who wouldn't mind looking after the baby for the first month or so whilst you get yourself sorteed?

@AdoraLovesCake no there nobody. I just want it deal with immediately. I know the love won’t come.

I'm sorry you are in such distress.
The baby has to come out (this would be true even if you could choose to terminate) but after that how you go forward is 100% up to you. No one will force you to look after it, or even hold it if you don't want to. The 6 week waiting period is there to protect you because women can and do sometimes change their minds about adoption. But if its right for you then of course you can choose it.

Obviously your having a hard time with your partner. But babies are not disposable you can't just decide to not have them one day because their dad is a POS Trust my kids dad is useless so I know that its not rainbows and sunshine but you made a life and now you have to take responsibility woman up and care for that life. Because that baby loves you and that love is one that can't be broken. Your baby won't cheat your baby is going to be going through it with you one step at a time and you will both learn together. It is not the life you planned for but its the life you have now and you can't just throw that life in to a system because of one shitty man. Remember you are raising this baby. Get rid of the shit. Be around friends and family have a nice mummy massage/ antenatal classes and do some bonding activities with your bump. I know your scared but you are not alone that tiny little human is with you and needs you.

Think about ur future how wide your possibilities are together a fresh start just you and them. You can't go backwards but you can step forward in to a new life full of possibilities. But regardless of what you do you will forever be responsible for this life even if you had them adopted there would not be a day in ur life u wouldn't think about them.

OP it is completely your choice whether you go through the adoption process or not, but please don’t think your baby will be taken at birth and handed straight to their adoptive family. It doesn’t work that way.

The baby will be placed with foster parents, possibly foster to adopt if you’re lucky, but adoption is a long process, and the outcomes are often not good for the child and placements can and do break down.

I work in this sector, you need to understand what you are going to face here. I wish you well, but would advise you to speak to your local safeguarding team for how best to move forward if this is the route you wish to go down. Google your local MASH service and give them a call.

I wish you the best.

You are pregnant, yet to see your baby, a baby that will be placed in your arms if you allow, that feeling is different from pregancy, especially when you have a partner who has been less than ideal.

I've known many women, especially with their first, being utterly terrified of their lives ending and changing, and those many women have had men who were equally scared or unsuportive on the lead up to the birth.

In all honesty, I think any woman would say, regardless of how hard and unsuportive the pregancy was, when the child arrived they felt completely different, a love completely different to anything you have felt before.
I'm not saying this to make you make a decision, I'm saying it so you don't make a decision, not just yet.

Please give yourself time, to heal from this shock firstly, self care and allow others to care for you, you deserve sympathy and love from others, he deserves... well I can't say.

Your life is not over, a new chapter is just beggining if you wish, just allow yourself to have that choice.

You sound so depressed op. You can suffer depression prior to the birth. I know, because it happened to me with my second. I felt disconnected and did not even want to hear the heartbeat. I just felt disinterested and stressed with work. I also felt I was letting down my older child by having this baby. I know how odd it all sounds, but that was the way I felt.

Sadly my ILs in particular were very cruel to me when I had my dd2 and I did struggle. My dd2 is now having her own dd2 and I have talked to her about not driving herself so hard to be a perfect mum as I do worry that she may begin to feel like me.

I think that you really need help, support and kindness op. You need time to breathe and although you feel you have made your decision, it is not so clear cut. I wish you well.

If you want to place the baby directly into a home, and you can still fly, come to the US. Both Florida and Utah are mother-friendly, immediate placement states. You can contact an adoption agency, choose the family for your child, have the baby and place immediately. You have 48 hours after birth to change your mind, then placement is permanent. Your medical bills, housing, and transportation are paid by the adoptive parents. You can also request a contract where you get annual photos/reports about the child if you wish.
This might suit you better than turning the baby over to SS to go into foster care and be placed into an adoptive home by committee with no input from you.

I'm utterly shocked that the vast majority of people responding here are not supporting OP in her decision.
OP you're an adult, please ignore those who are basically telling you that you are deluded.
I'm sorry I can't help with practicalities as I'm not in the UK. I gather that you should be calling Social Services and keep insisting to be put through to the right people.
If what others are saying about the state approach in the UK meaning a long foster care period at the start is true, and you dont want that - you maybe should Google private adoption agencies.

When I had my first (planned pregnancy) i had such a rough time I really despised being pregnant. After birth I had no connections or feeling towards them. I still didn’t until 10-12 weeks.

Basically I guess I’m saying your going through something traumatic, it’s proven that you tend to lack a bond with baby due to this. Even if you had to look after them upto 6 weeks you might not get this overwhelming bond I think you are scared you might get.

You are in a really thought situation, give yourself credit for getting through this so far. Write it all down on paper, just to get it out your head.

This is fully your choice. I don’t think it’s fair that you’re not being taken seriously and people are trying to talk you out of it. I’m sorry. Yes you may change your mind, but you also may not. There’s nothing wrong with placing your child for adoption if that is going to be best for you and them.

This may be useful:
www.childline.org.uk/info-advice/friends-relationships-sex/sex-relationships/having-children-adopted/

If you decide to go ahead with it the probability is that the baby would be placed quickly, and could even be placed with the parents from birth.

If you want to talk to an adoption agency this should be able to help you find one in your area:
www.first4adoption.org.uk/find-an-adoption-agency/

best of luck to you OP

OP, your response to this situation is a knee jerk reaction fuelled by hormones.
It's hard to think straight amidst all the pain and upset but you need to remember

1. its not the baby's fault your partner cheated
2. your baby is not the same person as your partner and is not their clone, it's a separate person that has done you no harm and is depending on you to survive.
3. you WILL feel different later even if you have no immediate love for baby when they are born. You will very likely regret it if you give them up but it will be too late.
4. Projecting your negative feelings on to the baby won't do any good
5. The pain of losing your child forever will be worse than a man cheating.

I hope you recover a little emotionally before your child's birth and that the outcome is the best for both of you

In all honesty, I think any woman would say, regardless of how hard and unsuportive the pregancy was, when the child arrived they felt completely different, a love completely different to anything you have felt before.
I'm not saying this to make you make a decision, I'm saying it so you don't make a decision, not just yet.

Wanting to believe this does not in fact make it true. There are women that regret their children, and in worst case scenarios those children are abused. No, I’m not saying OP would be abusive, but it’s better for her and the child to not be forced into a situation that could very easily lead to it.

Women need to be listened to and taken seriously when they say they want to place their child for adoption. Better this than assume they are depressed (and they may be, but that depression may very well be a result of feeling they’re stuck raising a child they don’t want) and will come around to being a mother. Some never do.

While well intentioned, this message won’t help her. It’ll make her feel worse and more alienated as it doesn’t reflect how she’s currently feeling at all.

I very much doubt she wants a ‘mummy massage’ or to bond with her bump.

And she doesn’t actually have to raise the child if she feels she can’t.