32 weeks and in a nightmare

[Helpset]

I think DP has cheated and the trust has gone. I feel ill. I don’t want the baby, I wouldn’t mind if they stayed inside but I don’t want to meet them or know them. I called an adoption agency today and they said usually have to wait 6 weeks before an adoption takes place. I don’t want this. I don’t want to have to see them at all. I feel so distraught. Midwife is aware and said all options are available but I should take my time thinking about it. I’m certain about it already and don’t know how to get through the next few weeks. I feel like I’m living a nightmare

My dd and her partner split up before she realised she was pregnant and they alreay had one dc together. Ex dp really wanted her to place child for adoption and as she was not working and had moved back to live with me she did investigate the possibility. As you have found OP there is very little information available to women considering placing a child for adoption. She contacted Social Services directly and had a few appointments with 2 Social Workers to discuss the procedure firstly, her feelings and expectations on another occasion and a third appointment to discuss her decision when she had had time to process the information. It was at the final meeting when the Social Worker asked her when she would prefer them to take the baby - either immediately after birth without her seeing the child or if she wanted to see her baby first, that she realised that she didn't want anyone to take her baby.
She did find the Social Services team very helpful, compassionate and non-judgemental. They gave her the necessary information for her to make the right decision for her. OP I hope you find similar help and support to make the right choice for you.

Private adoption isn’t an option in the UK.

The reason people are responding the way they are isn’t because they’re unsupportive of the way OP is obviously suffering, but because they know from their own experience that OP is (understandably) catastrophising right now and may well feel differently once the baby is born, however impossible that feels to OP right now.

@elociN5 i know it’s not it’s fault and that’s why I feel so guilty and so sure I am making the right decision. I do worry that it could have traits of DP and that has made me feel really weird about it all too. I feel like my head is constantly spinning snd I know that that in itself is not right for a baby, they deserve so much better. I am unrecognisable to the woman I once was. I will never judge anyone again in my life after this.

SS will contact the baby’s father to ask if he wants to parent. Please be aware that if you decide to go ahead he will be allowed to show he can partner the baby befor any adoption plans are made.

SS will also try to keep the baby within the wider biological family if at all possible. They will explore if any of your relatives or the father’s can raise your child.

Only if SS assess that both the father and any family members are not suitable (or if they do not want to parent the child) only then will the process of making your child available for adoption start. During the waiting time they would be in foster care.

I am telling you this just so you understand how events will unfurl.

i would also see your GP and midwife to ascertain if you are suffering from pre-natal depression that is making you feel so overwhelmed.

@Readinstead I wish SS were heavily involved as I would feel taken seriously. I know it wouldn’t be an easy road to adopt but I don’t think anything could be worse than what I am feeling now. I honestly have never been so low by a really long way.

But they don’t know. They know what it was like for them, but they don’t actually know what it’s like for OP. She’s not them, her reality is not theirs, and her feelings are not theirs.

Despite what worked out for anyone else, adoption may very well be the best option for OP as well as the baby. She’s a grown woman that needs to be listened to and respected, not dismissed and told she doesn’t really know what she’s talking about. Pressuring a woman into raising a child she has repeatedly stated she doesn’t want is a recipe for disaster.

@Helpset Please don’t think you have to explain or justify yourself to anyone here. You don’t. What worked for someone else worked for them, it doesn’t mean it would work for you. You’re the one that is best placed to decide how to go forward here. You may want to contact SS directly yourself.

My mum died when l was 28 weeks pregnant. I was just a real mess, overwhelming anxiety, depression. I lost all interest in my coming baby. It was a time of shock, grief and disbelief. Not unlike how you feel.

l loved my dd from the minute she was born. You may feel different. Pregnancy hormones can influence things. I know l felt l couldn’t cope at all.

Im adopted btw. It didn’t break down, l loved my adoptive family and was fine.

This is all very concerning.
OP says she thinks her DP has cheated. She does not know, and she has not said if they are still together or not (well, she's not said ex-DP). So I'm concerned that OP is having an acute perinatal MH episode where the reality of her relationship could be quite different. If this is the case, OP, I hope you can get past this with the right help.
If that is not the case, then OP could be accurate in her assessment of her relationship and she knows she will not manage. This is so sad. It is also sad that professionals are not taking her as seriously as they could. But how brave is OP saying she knows motherhood is not for her, and to want to have the baby adopted? Hugely, in my eyes.
Why are PPs telling OP to woman up and get on with it? How damaging could this be to her and to the baby? Just because some women are happy as parents does not mean OP would be, at this time. Maybe it's just not her time right now.

You don't know the love won't come as the baby is not here yet. We never know how we will feel we can only guess.
I didn't want to write about this but for the lack of better reference....I felt a little detached when pregnant with my first son. I have never been maternal and although the baby was planned and wanted I doubted myself as a mother (it later transpired I was autistic but that's another matter). I was not feeling much but hoped it's be there once he is born. I was also not getting on with my husband, was in my early 20 just a year or so out of uni, loved my work and wanted to carry on doing things I loved. And then I lost him to stillbirth at 34 weeks. It's not the same as giving them up as I suppose at least you know they are alive and can probably get updates, but the love does come, albeit sometimes too late.
It will be 20 years in December and I am still in no less pain, and I have had other children since.
I also know someone who did exactly what you are planning to do because their husband left.

She is not you. Your experience is not hers. She knows herself better than anyone here, and is best placed to make the judgement for herself. Adoption may very well be the right thing for her and the baby, and if that is what OP wants to pursue then she needs to be listened to and respected.

@Bluetrews25 I think the concerning factor is that the OP has decided she doesn't want the baby after her DP has cheated. If she didn't want the baby from the get go or just decided she didn't want the baby I think the responses would be different. I think what the OP needs to realise is this is not going away and the baby will always be there. There is no escaping this BUT there is a way to deal with it. With support of the relevant health professionals. People take different approaches and although I may seem harsh the OP needs to understand the reality of her decisions we can't just outrun our responsibilities or hand them over to someone else because they are not the way we first viewed things. She will have to live with the consequences of her child coming to find out who she is one day and if my child came knocking and I told them I didn't want them because my partner had cheated I don't know how that would effect them or me later on. Like I said children aren't just disposable and someone can't just come along with a big eraser and change the things we set in motion sometimes it is about accepting there are things you cannot change and learning to grow from them and making the best of the decisions. I feel talking about adoption is dangerous to a woman who is clearly in shock.

She’s stated her antipathy towards the pregnancy predates the cheating. It’s not in fact something that’s come out the blue. I doubt she’s unaware as to what she’s asking, someone can have exactly the same information as you and come to a different conclusion. It doesn’t mean she’s ignorant. She’s a grown woman who has come here upset because she’s not being listened to and respected, yet she’s being met with the same.

She will have to live with the consequences whatever she does. It may be that it’s better for her, and the child, to live with the consequences of adoption than it is for them to live with the consequences of the alternative. It’s not true at all that adoption is the worst outcome for everyone. It can be the absolute best.

Adoption exists for a reason. She certainly can decide that she doesn’t want to and can’t be a mother, whether it meets with your approval or not.

Stop feeling guilty. You can't help how you feel. You sound very frightened and that is understandable. Speak to GP/surgery nurse/midwife, explain that at this time you feel absolutely adamant that you do not want to keep baby and ask them to make arrangements for post birth of the baby & remember that you are in control and can change your mind at any time. Many loving & struggling mothers have given their baby up for adoption sometimes it is the best thing. Nursing and holding the baby after birth is your choice ,it may help you decide 100% that you want your baby to go to a family longing for a child or it might make you want to keep the little one. You are strong and are actually trying to protect your baby in advance of the birth. Give yourself a break from over thinking ..... your feelings are completely normal for so many pregnant women & you have voiced them and that shows you are strong .

OP are Social Services refusing to get involved? If so, please persist in contacting them directly and if necessary make a formal complaint. Do not let them fob you off, you need their help and support. Midwives and Social Workers obviously have very different roles and in your situation you need to get social services involved as soon as possible.
From your posts it seems to me that you feel powerless and that no one is listening to you or respecting that as an adult you have a right to make a decision for yourself even if such a decision does not follow the social norms. Contact Social Services and make them listen to you - as an adult you have to stand up for yourself and be persistant. If they do their job well (as fortunately they did for my dd) you will be supported in your decision and if necessary counselled both before and after your child's birth.

@Helpset i think you need a very serious discussion and some counselling around your options. Whilst adoption may be the route you choose and it does sound as if you was very unsure of wanting the baby, I think you need support in making this choice and the emotions that come with it- and there will be emotions no matter what decision you make or the reason for it.

wishing you all the best.

I have thought about it loads and I even think I’m just too lazy and too selfish to do right by a baby. Let alone all the other emotions. Cannot believe I even feel this way, would never have anticipated it at all. Thank you for pointing me in the direction of SS I will get in contact tomorrow.

@elociN5 i am so sorry for your loss. You sound incredibly strong.

I really think this is unhelpful. Please stop trying to reason or belittle the way OP is feeling.

When you are depressed, it feels horrendous. The love of a baby is not magic bullet to fix that every time. Please listen to the OP, stop telling her why she’s wrong, because that’s utterly unhelpful.

OP, right now it’s important that you look after yourself. It’s completely up to you what you do regarding adoption etc. Try not to pressure yourself with thoughts that nobody is listening to you. Many of them will think they can fix this by waving the baby in your face but ultimately nobody can stop you from putting this baby up for adoption and if that’s what you want to do when the time comes, then that is what you will do. Don’t panic that nobody is listening now, they will at decision time.

But in the meantime, rest and try to recover from this shock and the impact it’s had on your mental health. You’ve done nothing wrong and don’t deserve to feel like this but you can and will feel better with help and care.

please find a good midwife and GP.

Op. Don't panic.

Speak to social services tomorrow and ask your midwife to refer you for mental health support.

You may change your mind with support.

You may not.

No one can force you to hold your child after birth or take them home with you. Your child will be cared for if you can't care for them.

Work with the professionals so that they, and you, know that any decision you make is based on informed judgement not extreme distress.

Tonight take a deep breath and try to distract yourself by watching crap TV, listening to music or something else you enjoy.

Thank you everyone for being so nice. I was a bit scared to post but didn’t know where else to turn at this point. It’s been an awful day.

I had crippling antenatal depression. I didn’t want the baby but mainly, I didn’t want to live.

People constantly minimised my feelings (like so many posters here) and it was utterly, utterly unhelpful. I felt somehow even more inconsequential than I already did. I felt even more out of touch with how every else seemed to feel. I felt so completely unheard that my world, which I’d already shrunk out of self preservation, became just me. I froze everyone out. And planned my own death.

Everyone telling me that I would feel better when I met the baby, that I’d feel a rush of love when the baby came, that it would all work out ok, that I’d be fine, just made me feel worse.

This is something that the OP needs to figure out on her own, not to be told she’s wrong, needs to try harder or that everything be fine with a fucking mummy massage and some tummy rubs.

OP, you're really brave to have said all of this out loud.

I hope you find a decision that is the right one for you. Do you have any family support or friends that you can reach out to?

@Herejustforthisone how did you get out of it? Did you manage it? Life feels so horrendous it’s hard to articulate.

@Badger1970 my family think I should be positive and have offered money to pay for things etc but they are missing the point. Friends I’ve only admitted to one about adoption. I am embarrassed it’s come to this.