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Original poster

How bad would it be to move the children away from their father?

137 replies

Wanda616 · 14/09/2022 07:48

I think I want to leave my husband but I can't afford to stay living here. I would like to move back to my home town and family but it is several hundred miles away. He is a lazy husband, but a decent dad. Kids are 6 & 8 so it would be a massive upheaval for them.

OP posts:
Gazelda · 14/09/2022 07:52

It certainly wouldn't be ideal. And probably not in the best interest of the DC.
Have you double checked what income you would have if you became a single parent? Benefits, reduce council tax, child support etc.?
I'm not saying it would be easy, but it would surely be the preferred set up.

Original poster
Wanda616 · 14/09/2022 08:00

It's not just money. I have no support here other than my husband and if I left him, it's safe to assume he would withdraw the support and goodwill he provides now. So it's a choice of me being miserable or the kids being miserable. Looks like I'm stuck.

OP posts:
Definitelymabel · 14/09/2022 08:01

It would be an incredibly selfish move on your part. The kids would hate you for it. Chances are he would apply for either a prohibited steps order or full custody, which he would likely get seeing as the kids are established, settled and happy where they are right now.

Wouldloveanother · 14/09/2022 08:03

Very selfish.
You’ll have to find a cheaper local property.

Whinge · 14/09/2022 08:05

It's really unfair on your children. You wouldn't just be moving them away from their father, but also their school, friends, activities, house and everything familiar to them.

Original poster
Wanda616 · 14/09/2022 08:07

Wouldloveanother · 14/09/2022 08:03

Very selfish.
You’ll have to find a cheaper local property.

The cheapest 2 bed within a 10 mile radius is £1000 a month. I can't afford that.

OP posts:
ClocksGoingBackwards · 14/09/2022 08:08

It would be very selfish and incredibly unfair on them. They are very young still and by far their most important relationships are with you and their Dad. You can’t just put an end to one of those relationships without their being consequences.

I’m an adult that has never really forgiven my mum for doing the same to me.

Original poster
Wanda616 · 14/09/2022 08:09

Whinge · 14/09/2022 08:05

It's really unfair on your children. You wouldn't just be moving them away from their father, but also their school, friends, activities, house and everything familiar to them.

If I moved to anywhere I could afford it would mean leaving this area completely. My outgoings would skyrocket because my husband wouldn't help with school runs and sick days and my commuting times would increase massively. I don't want to ruin my children's lives but it is a fucking long slog living in this house until they reach adulthood.

OP posts:
ZeroFuchsGiven · 14/09/2022 08:09

How would you feel if your DH moved your kids several hundred miles away? That is your answer.

Original poster
Wanda616 · 14/09/2022 08:10

ZeroFuchsGiven · 14/09/2022 08:09

How would you feel if your DH moved your kids several hundred miles away? That is your answer.

Ha! As if he would bother his arse. He can't get them out to school in the morning without me prepping everything never mind the other end of the country. He'd hand them back the second one needed to see a gp.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wanda616 · 14/09/2022 08:11

He literally noticed that the child's glasses needed cleaned and said give them to mummy. I said he could clean them just as well, and he simply sat on his lazy arse until I did it anyway.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 14/09/2022 08:11

Have a look at what financial support you'd be entitled to as a single parent. If might be more affordable to stay in the area than you think.

RobinWoodPrinceofLeaves · 14/09/2022 08:13

It’s probably the same answer if your husband left you and moved 100s of miles away with the kids.

If you are intent on leaving, have you thought about just you leaving to be with your parents, leaving the kids and husband where they are. You’ll miss the kids but it’s less upheaval for everyone else.

or ask your parents to move close to you.

Snugglemonkey · 14/09/2022 08:14

You need to stay close enough to their dad, school, friends etc. I am Irish, living in Scotland. I thought really hard about having children, because I was aware that it meant not ever going home to live as I had thought I would. Even if we split, I could not take my children away from their lives and their daddy. I appreciate that the lack of support is difficult, but you need to act in the best interests of the children.

User354354 · 14/09/2022 08:16

Wanda616 · 14/09/2022 08:11

He literally noticed that the child's glasses needed cleaned and said give them to mummy. I said he could clean them just as well, and he simply sat on his lazy arse until I did it anyway.

I agree this sounds lazy. But it's not reason to move your kids away.

toooldtodate · 14/09/2022 08:18

He could take you to court to prevent you moving but unless he has the money for the legal fees and the actual interest in keeping his children nearby to be an active parent then I can't imagine he'd actually do it (unless he does it to punish you)

STBEXH and I are separated. I've made it clear once the family home is sold we can't afford to stay here so we will be moving away. But the split was instigated by him so in my mind he knew the consequences and he has to live with them

Original poster
Wanda616 · 14/09/2022 08:21

RobinWoodPrinceofLeaves · 14/09/2022 08:13

It’s probably the same answer if your husband left you and moved 100s of miles away with the kids.

If you are intent on leaving, have you thought about just you leaving to be with your parents, leaving the kids and husband where they are. You’ll miss the kids but it’s less upheaval for everyone else.

or ask your parents to move close to you.

I'm not leaving the children with him. I arrange every activity and appointment - doctor, dentist, optician. I run the family calendar, do homework, pack lunch boxes, meal plan and cook healthy goods, nit comb, make sure uniforms and shoes are clean and fit well, sort play dates, speak to teachers, do every single night waking. He wouldn't know where to begin.

OP posts:
ZeroFuchsGiven · 14/09/2022 08:23

Wanda616 · 14/09/2022 08:21

I'm not leaving the children with him. I arrange every activity and appointment - doctor, dentist, optician. I run the family calendar, do homework, pack lunch boxes, meal plan and cook healthy goods, nit comb, make sure uniforms and shoes are clean and fit well, sort play dates, speak to teachers, do every single night waking. He wouldn't know where to begin.

Show quote history

Stop backtracking, you said in your op he is a decent dad.

Starlightstarbright1 · 14/09/2022 08:23

These comments...

Op should not have to be miserable her whole life.. she cannot afford to stay local.

Children adapt..it might not be ideal but Children suffer from an unhappy mum..

The amout of men that move away but Mums can't. Ut sounds like you are the main carer.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 14/09/2022 08:24

Starlightstarbright1 · 14/09/2022 08:23

These comments...

Op should not have to be miserable her whole life.. she cannot afford to stay local.

Children adapt..it might not be ideal but Children suffer from an unhappy mum..

The amout of men that move away but Mums can't. Ut sounds like you are the main carer.

It does not matter if she is the main carer, taking kids away from a decent father is wrong.

Original poster
Wanda616 · 14/09/2022 08:24

girlmom21 · 14/09/2022 08:11

Have a look at what financial support you'd be entitled to as a single parent. If might be more affordable to stay in the area than you think.

Rent £1000. Council tax £120. Wrap around child care £300 in term time and more in holidays. Utilities at least £250. Commuting and car insurance £150+. Phone £20. The most basic food and toiletries £200. That's £2k a month for a miserable, basic life in a cramped flat. Can't afford it.

OP posts:
MaryJoLisa · 14/09/2022 08:24

When we split, I stayed local so xh could see DC. A year later he moved 200 miles away. He is now responsible for all transport and costs involved in seeing them as I cannot afford to do that from a time or money perspective and he moved, I purposely stayed. Can you get them to and from his eow?

Original poster
Wanda616 · 14/09/2022 08:26

ZeroFuchsGiven · 14/09/2022 08:23

Stop backtracking, you said in your op he is a decent dad.

Show quote history

Yes he's decent. He'll cook if I work late - but not with any veg. It'll be pizza. He'll do school drops and activities, but I leave out uniform, kit and a timetable. He'll take care of them at home, but mostly that means screens. He's decent, for a dad. He'd be a shit mum.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 14/09/2022 08:26

@Wanda616 do you work full time? What do you earn?

GhostFromTheOtherSide · 14/09/2022 08:28

You can’t always judge what kind of father someone will be based on what they’re like in the marriage.

Many men who seem like useless fathers step up and get their act together after a split. And conversely many men who you might think are decent fathers walk away without so much as a backward glance.

Either way, the children have a right to an equal relationship with both you and their father, and it is not up to you to change that.